Chapter Fifty-One
Thanks to ObsessiveFanFictioner15, Lacila, HomestuckWhovianNightFury, Kuroi Kage X, D4rK Sid3, flamingkevin, pussydestroyer69 (you're username had me laughing for about half an hour. i almost died. i hope you're happy), and cheezebuns for reviewing.
= Be John Egbert
You are John Egbert. Which means you're trapped in the horrible twisted maze by someone that you're supposed to be helping. Oh, also you're with an incredibly pretty girl that may or may not have a crush on you.
You're probably more scared of Roxy than you are of these traps.
"Are you alright, John?" Roxy asks. "You're all sweaty."
"I'm just… hot. It's really hot down here." You answer quickly.
It's actually quite the opposite. The underground tunnels of the Misty Mountain Islands are paramount to an icebox, with temperatures cold enough to probably freeze Dave's sickest of hot fires.
"Take off this stupid blazer then." She says as she tugs on your sleeve. "I can't have you passing out on my, Johnny. We're supposed to be getting the G.D. hell out of this maze."
From a hidden speaker, the metallic voice once again makes an appearance.
"Correction, madame. This isn't really a maze. It's actually pretty straight forward." The voice says. "If you just keep following the hallway, you'll find your next challenge."
"We don't have time to do your dumb challenges!" You shout back. You're starting to get fed up with all this rigmarole. "Dirk Strider sent us to talk to you. He said that you've cut off all communication with him and we're supposed to find out why."
"By Jove! Why are you such a bloody liar? Dirk wouldn't waste any of his precious Freedom Fighters on a mission as silly as that."
"We aren't Freedom Fighters!" Roxy explains. "My name is Roxy Lalonde and I'm a friend of Dirk's. We're doing this as a favor to him."
"Roxy Lalonde…" The voice repeats. There's a moment of static then: "I must look at something. Be back in a jiffy!"
Then there's nothing but silence. You look to Roxy, who simply shrugs back.
"Maybe he'll let us out since your mother was a famous Freedom Fighter?" You offer hopefully.
"Maybe." Roxy peers ahead, into the darkness off the tunnels ahead. "Do you think we should keep moving or wait here?"
"He told us to wait, right?"
"Well, he just said that he'd be back… So, I dunno."
You scratch your chin thoughtfully and become annoyed when you find the beginnings of stubble. Beards are no fun, especially when you try to get rid of them. You'll have to shave the next chance you get before things get out of hand again.
"Let's just go a little bit further." You cautiously lead the way forward. "If there's something super deadly ahead, then we'll just come back. Who knows? We might even find the exit."
"That's what I like about you, John. You're so optimistic!"
"Heh, yeah." You're starting to sweat again. "I guess so."
The path ahead is clear, nothing but the same, dimly lit, long, narrow passage that you've seen before. As you walk, you trail a finger over the wall, looking for some hidden door or anything that might lead to a way out.
Roxy scuffs her shoes behind you with her rifle poised at the ready. Under her breath, she hums the tune that you sang earlier to escape the first chamber.
"You know, I always thought that song was really good." She says after a while. "I mean, it's just so catchy and feel-good."
"If any song had to be an inter-dimensional constant, I suppose it would be a Vanessa Carlton one, right?" You chuckle.
"Totes! Haha." Roxy grins. "I completely forgot for a second that you were an alien."
"I'm not an…" You catch yourself. "Hey, I guess from your point of view I sort of am an alien, huh?"
"Yup. You're a regular E.T. Haha." Skipping to your side, she bumps you with her elbow. "So, Mister Alien, you're not gonna probe me, are you?"
"Oh, geez." You pull at the collar of your shirt. "Uh, no? Definitely not. That's totally something that I don't want to do right now."
"HAHA! I go you again! Jesus, you're too easy, John." She slaps your arm hard enough to sting. "You seriously need to lighten up. I mean, it's not like we're trapped underground in a dangerous maze or anything."
"Honestly, I've got so much other stuff to think about right now that this backwards flirting is really screwing me up." You admit.
"Okay, okay. I can take a hint." Roxy nods sympathetically. "Straight forward flirting it is then."
"Ugh."
The pair of you continue down the corridor and up a set of steps to another large room. This one is circular through and a skylight in the roof opens up to blue sky. Finally, your luck is beginning to turn around.
"Here," You slide a hand around Roxy's waist. "Hold on. I'm going to fly us out of here."
With a wave of your hand, the wind picks you up and floats you and Roxy up through the hole. You've reemerged into a jungle clearing, with the mountain on the center of the island closer than ever.
"Psshh," Roxy snorts and steps away from you. "So much for our next challenge. I've gotten out of t-shirts tighter than that."
"I wouldn't taunt him if I were you, we're still in the-"
You're cut off by a loud whistling sound that vibrates through the air. Looking up, you see a streak of bright red floating among the clouds.
"Shit!" Roxy gasps. "John, we gotta go!"
She grabs you by the arm and begins to tug you towards the forest, seeking shelter in the trees. You run after her, casting glances over your shoulder towards the mysterious, flying, blob of red as it steadily grows closer and closer.
"What is it?" You ask, but Roxy does not answer.
Ducking behind a large clump of jungle foliage, Roxy drags you down by her side. Her grip is like steel on your arm and you notice that she's holding her breath with apprehension. You do the same and simply listen as the whistling sound becomes louder.
Suddenly, with an earth-shattering thud the ground beneath your feet shakes violently. Roxy lets out a little 'eep' and you steady her by gripping her shoulder. Metallic hisses and clangs can be heard in the clearing as something very large moves around.
"John," Roxy hisses as you start to move. "Don't…"
"I'm just going to look." You respond, equally hushed.
Carefully parting a pair of large leaves, you gaze into the clearing. A large, no, enormous humanoid robot is stomping down the grass not twenty yards away. The shiny, steel plates that compose it's body are painted a bright red and it's equally rosy, glowing eyes rove over the ground searching for… something.
You.
After spotting the white spoon symbol on it's breast, you duck down once more.
"CrockerBot?" You whisper to Roxy.
She nods yes and presses a finger to her lips.
You get the message. You should probably shut up now.
The two of you stay huddled together for quite some time as the CrockerBot continues to search the immediate area. More than once, you feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up as it approaches your hiding spot, but it never moves further into the jungle beyond the clearing.
After about five minutes, you're starting to wonder if it'll just leave or if you'll be forced to fight it. A split second before you raise this question to Roxy, a loud bang echoes through the trees. With a speed not usually associated with objects so large, the CrockerBot takes to the air again to investigate the noise.
The whirlwind left in it's wake tousles your hair and parts the canopy enough for you to see the android disappear into the sky again.
"That was a gunshot." Roxy explains, standing up.
"Do you think someone is in trouble?"
"They certainly are now." She shivers at some bad thought. "That CrockerBot is following the noise. Whoever fired that shot is as good as dead."
Stepping back into the clearing you try to catch another glimpse of it.
"What's so bad about them?"
"Really?" Roxy laughs. "John, it's a ten-foot-tall killer robot with machine guns and cannons and steel plating harder than Dirk Strider's stupid head. Trust me when I say this: they are baaaaad news."
"Alright, avoid CrockerBots. Got it." You nod. "Well, we know one thing for certain now. If the Condense has robots on this island, than she's definitely got it out for Dirk's friend. We need to find him, Roxy."
"Look no further!" Calls a new voice. You turn to find a boy about your age striding towards you. "You have no idea how capital it is to see you chaps in one piece."
You recognize his voice as the mystery guy from the maze. Roxy must as well, as she immediately knees the guy right in the gut.
"You don't know how happy I am to see you either, maze boy." She grabs him by the collar and hauls him to his feet. "Who the hell are you?"
"J-Jake English." Splutters the boy. He's dressed in a dark green shirt and the shortest pair of shorts you've ever seen. Thin, wiry glasses cover his eyes and a thick, English accent tinges his voice. "I- I'm a member of the Freedom Fighters..."
"And Dirk's contact." You finish. "Was it you that lead the CrockerBot away?"
"Yes!" Jake grins. "A mere diversion to get that old rust bucket's noggin a-twisted. I figured the two could use my help!"
"Oh, yeah? One second you're making us sing and threatening to us into flat stacks. Now you're helping us out." Roxy glares at Jake. "Why the change of heart?"
"I didn't have a bleeding clue who you were." Jake explains. "I've been turning away Imperial forces for months, of all shapes and sizes. You expect me to let in a couple of strangers un-vetted! Not a chance, mates. I got turned around when you told me your name, Roxy Lalonde."
"So you do know who I am?"
"Of course! Every self-respecting enemy of the Condense knew your mother: Rose Lalonde!"
In the distance, you can hear the CrockerBot as it whistles through the air. It must have given up looking for the source of that gunshot and is now scanning the area. Jake hears it too.
"We should get out of the open." He says. "Follow me. I've got somewhere we can talk."
He leads you from the clearing and back into the jungle. You and Roxy follow him through a barely traversable path towards the mountain.
"I've been roughing-it out here ever since I was a young tike." Jake explains as you walk. "Just me and my Grandma against the world, until she passed away that is. You'll be hard-pressed to find your way around out here without me!"
"Good thing you're on our side then." You reply.
Jake's words stir thoughts within your brain. A young adult, living on a secluded island with only their grandparent for company. Green eyes, glasses, a large gun strapped to their hip. Unruly hair that looks like it could house a thousand birds…
Of course. Why not?
"Hey, Jake." You speak up as you near the base of the mountain. "Do you think you could tell me about your grandma?"
"Why sure, er… What's your name?"
"John."
"Lovely to meet you, John." Jake grins again. "My Grandma was the greatest woman I've ever known!"
"What else?"
"Well, she taught me just about everything I know. She could shoot a crisp out of your mouth from fifty meters, she played just about every musical instrument known to man, and although she never outright told me, I bet she was pretty high up in the Freedom Fighters."
As you scramble over a rocky summit, you catch Roxy's eye. She leans in close.
"What? Are you thinking you know this kid's grandma too?"
"I know I know this kid's grandma." You respond. "Let's keep that under our hat for the time being though. One thing at a time, okay?"
"Alright."
Jake leads you into a cave on the slope of the Misty Mountain. Inside, he reveals a hidden doorway in the rocky wall, which in turn leads to yet more narrow passage ways.
"My grandma had these tunnels built all under the island." Jake continues. "Some even go straight under the bay to the city. Imagine that!"
"That's pretty useful." Roxy comments. "Do you ever go over there?"
"Oh, hell no. I've got everything I need…" Jake shoves open yet another set of double doors. "Right here!"
In the heart of the mountain is a veritable stadium-sized cavern, loaded to the brim with neat gadgets and goodies and all sorts of bullshit. A large tower in the center spirals towards the roof and you assume that is where Jake lives.
"Take it all in, chaps." Jake starts towards the tower. "You are the only two souls to take a gander at this place in ages!"
"Why?" You ask. "This place could hold hundreds of rebels, why is it just you?"
"Because like I said, no one knows this place like me. The island is just too dangerous to have a bunch of ripsnorters running around and getting into all sorts of malarkey. You guys know this first-hand!"
"Hey, you're the reason we were in danger in the first place, you big doofus." Roxy snaps. "I haven't heard a full apology yet."
"Oh. I thought I already apologized!"
"Nu uh!"
"Yes!"
"Nope, nope, nope!"
"Well, fine." Jake assents with a frown. "I'm sorry that I didn't trust you."
"And?"
"And for trapping you in that underground."
"Annnnnd?"
"And for… making you sing?"
Roxy laughs.
"That actually wasn't that bad. I was hoping you'd apologize for not apologizing the first chance you got."
"Well, I'm sorry for that too."
You enter the spire in the center of the cavern and, sure enough, find yourself in Jake's home. The bottom floor/entryway is home to many cool-looking weapons, artifacts, art, and miscellaneous boxes of canned goods and magazines.
Jake leads you up a set of spiral stairs to his bedroom.
"This is my room." He explains clinically. Something tells you that he isn't all that happy to have visitors. "This is where the magic happens."
What kind of 'magic' Jake is referring to, you don't know. However, by looking at some of the posters on the wall, all of which are sexy, blue-skinned ladies, the mind can't help but wonder. You sit on a chair awkwardly, careful not to crumple a pile of comic books under your feet.
"So what do you do up here?" You ask, as Jake bustles around the room.
"My duty basic reconnaissance stuff." He's busy rifling through a bunch of drawers. "The Condense has a lot of Navy troops that she uses to prowl the ocean borders. I send Dirk reports on their movements along with whatever supplies I can muster from the island itself."
Well that checks out with Dirk's story. Maybe you actually have been entrusted with a legitimate mission?
"Alright, I've been very forthcoming, but now it's my turn." Jake straights from his drawer, a bundle foil packages in his hands. "Who are you guys and why are you here?"
Roxy, who has taken a seat on the end of Jake's bed, speaks first:
"Well, you already know who I am. Roxy Lalonde, daughter of the great Rose Lalonde and all around swell babe. We were sent here by Dirk."
"Yeah, I got that." Jake opens a foil packet and begins dumping delicious-looking berries into his mouth. You wish he'd offered you and Roxy some, but you aren't about to say anything. "But why would Dirk send you all the way out to this blasted island? He knows I can handle myself just fine, without sending you blundering into my traps."
"Apparently not." You interject. "Dirk says that you haven't been in contact with him for a while."
At this, Jake's eyebrows crease in confusion.
"What? That sounds like poppycock to me. I babble with Dirk all the time. In fact, I was talking to him just before you showed up."
"I call bullshit." Says Roxy, folding her arms. "Dirk wouldn't have sent us here for no reason."
"But I swear, I'm telling the truth." Jake steps to his bed and pulls a laptop from the covers. Sitting down next to Roxy, he flips it open. "See. I was just chatting with him."
Roxy takes the laptop and examines the screen, you move over and read by her shoulder.
It's a pesterlog alright, with Jake talking to someone who is clearly labeled as 'Dirk Strider'. However, as Roxy's eyes scan the page, her mouth draws into a thin line.
"You've been duped, Jakey." She says, beginning to type furiously. "Have you always talked to Dirk through this application?"
"No. He messaged me through there about a week ago. He said it was safer than the usual way." Jake explains. "He told me that the old messaging system was coldcocked!"
"The only thing that's been compromised," Roxy pauses for dramatic effect and presses a final key. "Is your computer systems."
On screen flashes a complex series of code that you barely have time to read, let alone comprehend.
"You've been chatting with Imperial Agents for a over a week, hun." Roxy snaps the laptop shut. "They tricked you."
"Oh bugger all!" Jake cries, pushing himself to his feet. "Dagnabit, I feel so stupid!"
"Don't blame yourself. I could have happened to anyone." You join Jake's side. "Right now, what we got to do is get you off this island and back to Dirk's base."
"I can't leave! My whole livelihood is here, plus," He begins to pace. "I have no earthly idea how much sensitive material I gave those agents, believing they were Dirk. No wonder there are so many CrockerBots buzzing about! They've tracked me right to my front door-"
A loud boom rattles everything in the room, abruptly cutting off Jake mid-tyraid. Stacks of comic books tumble to the floor, a decorative vase, which looks extremely expensive, tumbles from a nightstand to shatter on the floor. You grab onto Jake's arm to steady yourself.
"What is that?!" You cry over the rumbling. "Jake?!"
"Prepare yourselves, mates." Jake draws his dual pistols from his belt. "We're going to have to fight our way out!"
"What are you talking about?!" You question is answered when the ceiling above your head collapses in a shower of dust. You push away from Jake and grab Roxy by the arm, tugging her out of harm's way.
Coughing through the dust, you keep a tight grip on Roxy as you search for Jake. As the dust clears, you find him flat against the wall, as well as the enormous CrockerBot peering down into the whole it just created.
"Tally ho!" Jake yells, firing both his pistols in rapid succession.
Metallic pings fill the air as his bullets ricochet harmlessly off the drone's impenetrable head. Roxy twists free from your grasp and raises her rifle, unloading her own barrage of lead into the robot's chest. It remains as unphased as ever and reaches with its massive hand into the room towards Jake, as if to grab him like a ragdoll.
You leap upwards and with an extra gust of wind behind your fist, you punch the CrockerBot as hard as you can directly in its face.
This is a big mistake.
"Shit!" You clutch your hand in agony. "Why did I do thaaaaaaat?!"
Your last word is stretched out into a scream, as the CrockerBot seizes you by the middle and hurls you bodily over it's shoulder.
"John!" You hear Roxy scream as you tumble through darkness.
Holy shit! That robot is really strong! You're flying through the air like a football thrown by… some famous football player. You don't know who. You ever never in to sports.
The CrockerBot must have tracked you all the way through the jungle and burrowed it's way through solid rock to get to you. The Imperial Drones are impressive pieces of work that you can't help but appreciate, even as you spin helplessly through the air.
Eventually you reach the end of the tunnel and spiral out into open air. You're vaguely aware of a large shape blotting out the sun before you slam into the rocky surface of the mountain and begin to roll. Like a slinky on the stairs, you tumble head over heel to slide to a stop against the trunk of some massive tree.
"Let me guess." Kanaya's voice doesn't have the soothing affect you're used to. "You've goofed up yet again?"
"Not yet." You moan, taking a mental inventory of your facilities. "But it's a definite possibility."
The harsh whistling of a CrockerBot fills your ears once more and you look up to find the drone erupt from the mountain whence you came. Landing before you with a mighty thud, the robot drops two squirming forms at its feet.
"Hey, John."
"Hi, Roxy."
With more whistling and thudding, around five more CrockerBots drop from the sky to surround you, Roxy, and Jake. From the jungle, also march a whole platoon of Orderlings, rifles raised and faces firm.
You're closed in by an unmovable wall of red, with only your windy powers for defense. Roxy and Jake scramble to your feet and you join them.
"What's the plan, John?" Jake asks nervously. He is now pistol-less and pale-faced.
"Uh…" You spin slowly on the spot, counting the small army. Before you can answer, Roxy lets out a small gasp and points upwards.
You follow her finger and see the same shape from before, the one you caught a glimpse of as it blocked out the sun. It's a large airship, painted red of course, and floating menacingly high above your head like an evil cloud.
"The Condense." Roxy breathes.
The Orderlings begin to close in.
"Alright, Kanaya." You mutter under your breath. "I think it's safe to say that I've goofed up now."
= Be Meenah Peixes
You are now Meenah Peixes. Although, you haven't gone by that name in a long, long time.
Once, you were a simple troll living on Alternia. As a high-blood, you had all the luxuries a nice, troll lady could ask for, save for…
COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION!
When SGRUB was activated by those idiot trolls, you were not killed like the rest of your friends, family, or enemies. You were miraculously saved at the last second by the arrival of a mysterious and powerful alien being, known as The Lord.
Lord English, to be exact.
Apparently you had a greater purpose, other than to be destroyed like the rest of those wrigglers with the coming of SGRUB. You were brought by Lord English to this dimension to the do the one thing you've always wanted to do…
COMPLETELY DOMINEATE THE WORLD!
Well, not the world you originally wanted, but still a world nonetheless. Earth is a poor replacement for Alternia, but you've done with it what you could. With the powers bestowed upon you by your all-powerful lord, you quickly rose to power and have dominated ever since.
Sure, there have been a few uprisings, but you've managed to squash them easily enough. Hell, you've even managed to settle down a little bit, start a family, make some friends, and obliterate some enemies.
With Lord English… doing whatever it is he's doing. You don't really know exactly. Traveling through time, alternate dimensions, dream bubbles? I could really be anything, although you could care less as long as you're left alone to rule.
And that's exactly what you've done.
You are The Condense. You are Her Imperious Condescension.
You are the best around.
Presently, you're lounging in your giant airship, The CrockerCarrier, enjoying some much needed R and R.
The Freedom Fighters have been acting up again lately, crashing some galas in your honor, breaking-up public punishments, even defacing your glorious statue in city hall with gog-dammed silly string!
Honestly. That's just ridiculous.
You'd think after murdering their two most powerful leaders over five years ago would have taught them a lesson. Apparently not.
Anyways, you're lounging on your queenly throne, when there's suddenly a knock on the door.
"Enter." You command lazily.
An Orderling, named Kyle, opens the door and scurries inside. Kyle has been in your service for a long time. He's a pretty nice guy with good ideas and an awesome sense of humor.
You like Kyle.
"Empress." Kyle simultaneously salutes, bows, and does the ceremonial jig required when all peasants approach you. "We've just located the Freedom Fighter's stronghold on the Misty Mountain Island and apprehended its inhabitants. Per your request, of course. One of our CrockerBots caught sight of them entering the mountain and followed."
"Thank you, Kyle. Well done." You smile serenely. "Have them beaten and hung from the stocks in City Square."
"Yes, very good, Empress." Kyle hesitates. "Although, I think you might be a little more interested in these rebels, compared to the usual bunch."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes. We've captured a male, who is the grandson of Jade Harley and a female, who is the daughter of Rose Lalonde."
You blink in surprise. Well, that most certainly is interesting. Both Jade Harley and Rose Lalonde were huge thorns in your side at one point, until you completely crushed them in your queenly grasp, of course.
"Put them in the holding cells for now," You command. "I will decide what to do with them shortly."
You expect Kyle to leave, but he doesn't. He stands there, twisting his fingers for a moment. Eventually, he musters the courage to speak.
"There was a third rebel too, a boy that we couldn't identify." He explains. "We ran his blood through our databases and…"
He trails off.
"And…" You prompt.
"Well, at first we thought it was some kind of mistake, so we ran the test again."
"DNA never lies, Kyle. You know this. What did our database say?"
"It said his name is… uh," Kyle swallows hard. "His name is John Egbert."
You stare at Kyle for a moment. Surely this is some sort of joke.
However, no one laughs and a punch line is never dropped.
You rise from your throne.
"Clear my schedule."
I have a theory that every great villain has a minion named Kyle, who's just, like, the best minion ever. He's just really good at his job and everyone likes him. EVEN YOU.
So under recommendation of my pal, A Dreaming Songbird (fucking name drop, amirite?), I took a Homestuck aspect, land, and quest quiz to figure out what kind of Homestuck hero I could be!
According to the quiz, I am a Mage of Form (form is a fanaspect someone created) and my land is called the Land of Reformation and Laws, which sounds really, really, fucking boring. Anyways, my quest is to protect my land and the consorts from an impending doom! This could be a swarm of monsters, a plague threatening the life of the world, a monstrous storm, whatever! If you've got some time to kill, take the quiz yourself at thepageofhopes' tumblr.
Happy Halloween! If you go trick or treating, be safe, smart, and have a good old, regular blast!
- Mike
