~Ahsoka's POV~
Ahsoka Tano inhaled deeply, staring-half in dread- at the exterior door of the prison cell.
She had not seen this man in a year, and she was not convinced she was ready to see him again. Yet she knew she must. This battle between him and her would not be over until she did.
Beside her, Intrepid leaned against the wall, polishing her lightsaber. She was doing her best to keep Ahsoka calm, and the customary action was actually doing just that, but Ahsoka knew she was just as anxious. Lux was down below with the clones; surely, helping to unload the help they had brought Anakin.
Next to her was Anakin Skywalker himself, glaring down the door as if it were the prisoner itself. He would be going in with her, despite her protests.
He was just as overprotective of her as he had been when she was his apprentice, which was slightly provocative.
"I did not even think about it," Anakin mumbled, for the fourth time. "I didn't either, when you said it," Intrepid agreed, pressing down on one monotonous smudge she had found on her otherwise spotless lightsaber.
Ahsoka shook her head. It was all she had been able to think about after she had heard. Starkiller was behind that door. Anakin had not even had time to interrogate him, not while Obi-wan was in trouble and the mission demanded his attention.
But Ahsoka had to see him, if not for herself then for him. After all, he had fallen in love with her.
Ahsoka sucked in a deep breath, steeling herself against the words she knew were coming. "I'm ready," she lied, as thousands of Jedi before her had lied when they spoke these words. Intrepid glanced at her and nodded. "You are," she agreed nonchalantly.
Anakin put a hand on her shoulder. "You're sure?" he asked, less confident than Intrepid. Ahsoka tried to hide the doubt from her face. Anakin smiled dully, letting her know that she had failed.
"I'm ready, master," she took her shoulder away from the hand, frustrated. She should not need comfort, not any longer. She was not a helpless, inexperienced padawan anymore. She was an adult.
She had not wanted his pity or comfort when she was an apprentice, and she did not want it now. Anakin's face registered shock for a moment after she pulled away, but smoothed over quickly. Hurriedly, Ahsoka used the force to open the door and walked in.
The room that Starkiller spent most of his time in was better than the ones the Sith prepared for Jedi, certainly. The room held a single table and chair, where Starkiller sat, his eyes closed in meditation despite the force shackles on his wrists and ankles.
Ahsoka sucked in a deep breath at seeing the large brow and milky, gray skin. He hadn't changed.
"Starkiller," she greeted formally. Golden eyes, piercing and deep, snapped open at the sound of her voice.
Anakin stepped in and closed the ray-shield behind them. Starkiller narrowed his eyes at Anakin, who did likewise to him, and returned to staring at Ahsoka.
She met his gaze emotionlessly, studying him. Inside of her chest her heart was rapidly speeding up, trying in vain to gallop away before Starkiller's eyes could devour her whole.
"Are you alright?" She was shocked at his first question. She blinked, snapped out of her façade of calmness. Anakin, also, blinked several times, bamboozled.
"Um..." Ahsoka was ashamed that she instinctively glanced at Anakin for help. "I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine," she stammered, feeling like an idiot.
Starkiller nodded and crossed his arms. "You've grown," he said softly, looking down. Ahsoka looked down at herself, feeling suddenly very conspicuous. She resisted the urge to fiddle with her dress and pull the small hole above her breasts up higher.
"I see," was the only thing she could think of to say, at last. Starkiller nodded not looking up, and Ahsoka saw his eyes flash with something akin to remorse. She felt teh same emotion nibble at her galloping heart.
This would not be so hard if she had not betrayed him, and if she did not know she betrayed him. She had known she would betray him, that she would hurt him when she had done it, and that was where the shame in her heart came from. The entire two wars, she had been the one to be betrayed, beaten and bruised.
But not that time. That time, she had lied to him, manipulated and used him, and that was why she stood before him. She needed to forgive herself for the crimes she had committed in the name of justice.
"I used you," she whispered, unmoving. Starkiller's head snapped up, and in his orange eyes rage grew. "Yes," he ground out. "Yes, you did," Ahsoka inhaled deeply, trying to accept that she-of all people-had used another animate being.
A being who she had known was only afraid, only misunderstood, who needed her help to survive. She had seen the deepest part of Starkiller; he had trusted her enough to see it.
And she had left him.
"I lied to you," she continued. With each confession, her heart skipped another beat, ashamed.
"To my face," Starkiller leaned forward; his eyes were on fire. "I used you," don't look away, she pleaded with herself. Meet his eyes, face what you did, Jedi!
"Ahsoka," Anakin said softly, putting a hand on her shoulder, hesitantly. "You did what you had to do," she jerked her shoulder out of his grasp again.
He did not understand. It was so black and white with her master. The bad guy was the bad guy and the good guys were the good guys.
The bad-guys did not have feelings, nor a family. There was no redemption for them. The good guys did not play into the bad-guys plans, there were no traitors. They were all good.
But Ahsoka knew otherwise, Obi-wan had taught her otherwise by his example.
"I deserted you," she sucked in a deep breath. "Alone, and in disgrace," now he looked ready to murder her. Ahsoka expected it, probably deserved it. She set her ground firmly. She would not allow herself to accept defeat or the fear roiling in her stomach.
"I manipulated you," she continued, wondering how long the list went. "And I fell for it," he was on his feet now, hands clenched on the table as he leaned towards her.
Every muscle in his body was tensed. "I thought you loved me," was that the light, or were there tears in his eyes? I broke his heart, Ahsoka confirmed sadly. I broke his heart for the last time.
Ahsoka sighed; there was one charge left; the ultimate thing that shaped all the ones before. "I betrayed you," she said at last. Starkiller did not move, or take his eyes from hers.
The pure, unrivaled fury and betrayal in them was enough to let him break out of his chains and kill them both, Ahsoka knew that. But she was willing to accept it. Death held no value to her anymore, not as much as forgiveness.
"And," she glanced at Anakin. He was staring at her intently. She could feel Intrepid listening on the other side of the door.
Starkiller was also listening, as if his life was depending on what she had to say. "I'm sorry, Starkiller. I'm so sorry," there. She said it.
She said to him what she had said so many times to him when she was alone.
Apologies did not always make things better however. "Sorry?" Starkiller boomed. "You're sorry?" He demanded. The next second, he was hurtling the table he had been shackled too a mere second before across the room at her.
"Ahsoka!" Ahsoka decided that she was getting very tired of Anakin always protecting her when he grabbed her arm and hurled her out of the way.
The buzzing sound of his ignited lightsaber then woke her out of her dazed stupor. "No!" Ahsoka cried, seeing Anakin, his body tensed in a protective motion Ahsoka had grown to know as well as she knew herself.
At the sound of her voice, Anakin glanced at her. "What?" he demanded. At the approach of the lightsaber, Starkiller had stopped dead in his tracks, but his eyes still remained on Ahsoka, burning with hatred.
"He won't hurt me," I hope. "Let him be, master," she commanded, ignoring who was higher rank in this situation. Anakin's eyes filled with incredulous indignance, but he nodded and put away his lightsaber. At least he still trusted her.
Ahsoka walked up to Starkiller and laid a hand on his shoulder. His chest was heaving, his breath coming out in shallow rasps as his eyes followed her every move. Anakin was watching them intently, his hand poised over his lightsaber and body rigid for a fight.
Intrepid was on the other side of the door, her emerald eyes glaring at Starkiller with a daring challenge. Ahsoka only met his eyes squarely. "I'm sorry," she repeated, stronger than the first time. Starkiller did not look away from her eyes, and she saw his black pupils were shaking with rage.
"I trusted you," he managed to say in between his tightly clenched teeth. "Your mistake," Anakin muttered crossly. You aren't helping! Ahsoka yelled through their bond. Anakin smiled grimly.
Ahsoka opened her mouth to say something out-loud, but before she could say anything, a strong hand had closed around her neck and lifted her up.
Immediately, her oxygen supply was cut off. Ahsoka resisted the urge to wriggle and twist in panic. Instead, she focused on calming down her racing heart and alarmed lungs.
Anakin stepped forward, eyes wide and trained on Ahsoka. Intrepid moved swiftly to grab him by the arm, somehow having made her way in without their notice. "Wait, master," she said.
Ahsoka saw this through the corner of her eyes. She returned to staring at Starkiller, and slowly raised her hands to grip his gently. She could not speak, but her eyes still could do that job, since her throat was otherwise occupied.
Starkiller stared back, and his eyes spoke of everything he had been feeling the day Ahsoka had run out of the wedding room that day on Courascant.
Hatred, betrayal, sorrow, Fury, worthlessness, terror.
Everything has a consequence, she thought sadly, hoping that her guilt and sincerity showed through her own eyes. Due to the fact that she could not move or breathe, Ahsoka stayed in Starkiller' fist, their eyes speaking volumes to each other.
I'm sorry.
Not sorry enough.
I did what I had to do.
You lied to me.
I know. I'm so sorry.
Did you ever love me?
Not like you loved me.
Can you love me?
My answer remains the same. Only if you change.
I will never change.
Then I will never love you.
Let me out…. Come with me, my queen.
My place is here, Starkiller. And my family needs your help to win this war.
You are not meant to be a Jedi.
There is no other life I want to live.
I… I need you. Please, Ahsoka, I need you. A plea. Her heart broke.
No, you need love. I know you will find it, but not with me.
Very well.
Do you forgive me?
Maybe, in time, perhaps.
Can you let me go, then?
Perhaps we can die together…
Let me go.
But…
Put me down. I know you won't hurt me.
You will… will not… Forget me, will you?
We will probably be enemies for the rest of our lives.
You won't forget me?
I never forget an honorable enemy.
Neither do I. Goodbye, Ahsoka. Thank you for coming, my Jedi queen.
Now can you put me down?
Ahsoka gasped as she slumped to her feet. Starkiller looked down at her with eyes that were still golden, but calm. Anakin had drawn his saber, yet Intrepid still kept him back. Ahsoka turned around.
"We're okay."
~Anakin's POV~
"I don't understand, why didn't he kill you?" Anakin demanded, looking at Ahsoka, she was nearly his height by now; the tops of her head-tails came up to his forehead.
She kept her gaze straight ahead, but smiled mysteriously. "We have an understanding," she told him wisely.
Anakin studied her oddly. He had never heard of a merciful Sith before. Nor one that did not take revenge. Though, Anakin partly understood.
"If Padme ever betrayed me like that, I would be heartbroken and livid with rage, but I could never hurt her for it," he thought out-loud.
"Padme would never betray you like I betrayed him," Ahsoka said, tiredly. "She actually loves you," Anakin glanced down at her. "And you did not love him?" He asked softly. Ahsoka stumbled, but quickly recomposed herself. Anakin smiled grimly, he knew her too well.
"A Jedi does not feel love," Ahsoka replied stoically. Anakin rolled his eyes; she still had that attitude, huh? Blast, had she learned anything from him? Not every aspect of the Order was right.
Even the perfect Jedi had disobeyed it. "Right," he drawled skeptically. Suddenly, Ahsoka's comm. link beeped.
"Yes, Cannonball?" Anakin rather liked the name. Then again, he had picked the clone out for her himself. He had been determined to know that she would have someone at her back, even if that someone was a clone. "Sir, we're nearly done re-loading all the supplies," Anakin's eyebrows rose. That was fast.
Then again, Cody had been in charge, and force knew he had Obi-wan talent of organization. Anakin sighed, he had one more day to save his master, and he was not sure how well the plan would work out on his favor. "Copy that Cannonball. Ready the cruiser to break off, time to go on," Ahsoka instructed.
"Yes, sir," Anakin folded his hands behind his back and shook his head. He was so proud of her. He would regret seeing her go on to more mission without him and his protection, followed only by Intrepid and Lux, not that the two were not perfectly capable. Indeed, Anakin had already thanked Lux for saving Padme's life.
Despite the fact that Ahsoka had been knighted for a year, Anakin still had trouble letting her go. Apparently, she doesn't he thought resentfully as he remembered how she had jerked out of his reach and rejected his help. Pride, what a curse he wished he had not passed on to her.
"Well," Ahsoka looked at him now, her familiar eyes kind. "Off we go. Are you sure you can handle Obi-wan's rescue yourself?" She asked.
Anakin nodded and stopped walking, halting her also in the middle of the cold hall. "Don't worry, Snips," he said. "I've still got ol' Rex to help me out," he pointed out.
Ahsoka smiled sadly and looked away. "Yah," she mumbled. "Ol' Rex. Force, I have missed this place," she said longingly, glancing around at the familiar cruiser in which she had spent most of her padawan years.
Hundreds of thousands of hours spent here, instead of the temple, fighting, training, learning, crying, all with Anakin. He smiled sorrowfully.
"The boys have missed you, too," he agreed. Ahsoka rubbed her arm awkwardly. "This war is worse than the last," she sighed, and suddenly she looked as she had so many times before. A thousand times older. Anakin felt dread form a pit in his stomach. The war was changing her.
"Is something wrong, Ahsoka?" he asked. She looked up at him again and shook her head. "No, master," she retorted emotionlessly. She really must have forgotten whom it was she was talking too.
Anakin tried for lightness. "You realize you don't have to call me master anymore?" he reminded her. That did the trick. Her face brightened. "That's true," she said.
"I wonder if I should go back to calling you Sky-guy," she teased him back. Anakin cocked an eyebrow. "When did you stop?" he inquired. Ahsoka shrugged. "Fair enough, and true," she laughed. Anakin chuckled and looked at her with affection. "Even stars die, Chosen One," he frowned.
"So," Ahsoka picked up on his mood change and shifted on her feet. She had childish gestures yet. "Have you been having fun, being a bachelor knight again, I mean? No Padawan around to cramp your style," she said conversationally.
Anakin was aghast. "Cramp my style? As I recall, you claimed to be perfecting it," he reminded her. "Oh, I did," Ahsoka agreed quickly. "But... I mean…" she rubbed the back of her head-tail.
"Ahsoka," Anakin spoke seriously, and slowly, attracting her attention. Her eyes were swimming with indecision. The truth of what she was saying as beginning to spell itself out for Anakin.
"Did you always think you were a burden to me?" he demanded breathlessly. She could not have thought such a thing, she knew how much he cared about her, didn't she…?
"Well," Ahsoka avoided his gaze. "You never wanted a Padawan. I was sort of forced on you, master. And I was too young, and I was bratty, and inexperienced, and…" She trailed off, instead shrugging.
"And I tried to prove myself worthy to you as best I could. But I thought you'd be excited as soon as I was knighted. After all, you're eligible for the rank of master now, and that's what you've always wanted, hasn't it?" She met his eyes curiously, Anakin's head started to burn with over-thought.
"You thought that the only reason I trained you was to become master? You think you weren't good enough?" The same things he had thought-did think-while he was Obi-wan's apprentice. "Well, I wasn't," Ahsoka said. Anakin could sense her irritation at Anakin repeating everything she was saying.
"Snips…" Anakin trailed off, speechless. How could she think, of all things, something like that? Ahsoka had been more than good enough. She had not been what he had wanted, but what he had needed.
Ahsoka had taught him so much, had molded him into what he was now. She had been the light at the end of many a tunnels for him. She was his pride and joy.
"Never mind," Ahsoka waved her hand dismissively. "Stupid question. I should probably…" she started to move away, but Anakin caught her by the arm. "You were a blessing, Ahsoka Tano, do you hear me? You were never a burden," he said firmly. Ahsoka, stunned by this abrupt change in atmosphere, blinked at him.
Anakin smiled bitterly, ashamed. "Huh, I promised myself that I would never do that to you, that I would never make you feel like a burden and a mistake, like Obi-wan made me feel, and here I've gone and done it anyways," he mumbled. He shook his head.
"Ahsoka, if you recall, at first, you weren't my padawan. We thought that it was a misunderstanding, remember? Then we went on that mission to Teth and I got to know you…" He smiled at the memory.
"And what I wanted didn't matter. Were not you listening when I told you that it was the will of the force that we met, that you were at my side? I did choose you, because I could have turned you away," he saw the shock at the very suggestion in her eyes.
"But I didn't, because I saw that you could be something… Something so much greater than you were, then Iwas. You were more ready than me, that is for sure. I didn't want a Padawan, but Obi-wan knew I needed one. And he selected well, he may have chose you to get some pay-back, but he chose well," that brought a small smile to her face.
"But… But I was so young," Ahsoka pointed out with a shaking, small voice. She suddenly looked just like the thirteen year old that Anakin had met that day on Christophsis, afraid and uncertain.
"Really? That's the best you got? I was nine when Obi-wan met me, Snips. You are the second youngest to become a Padawan; remember? Second to me, so do not get excited about that. You were more ready than I was. Master Yoda knew you were worthy, and so did I," he replied sincerely. He needed her to understand, to get this point of his.
Ahsoka was still gawking at him, as if none of this had ever occurred to her. Has it ever occurred to you? Qui-gon whispered in his ear. Anakin gulped. "Snips-" his voice cracked.
"You're like a daughter to me. You're one of my best friends. I would give my life for you, no hesitations, no regrets. I thought that by now you'd know that I was more than just fond of you. You did not have to prove anything to me," it would have been nice, though.
"Instead I worked my butt off trying to prove that I was good enough to you. I love you, Ahsoka, I did the second you walked into Jabba's palace with that stupid Hutt scum baby in your hands when I was about to be executed. You make it hard not to," he told her honestly.
Then, embarrassed by the depth of his own feelings of affection and sincerity, he let go of her arm and stepped back.
"I miss you, Ahsoka," he admitted sheepishly. "I really do, but I had to let you go," and he hated that he had been forced too. Letting go was so hard, but he knew that it was vital.
Obi-wan had told him so.
All of a sudden, Ahsoka's eyes filled with tears and she looked away, smiling. "Master…" Before she could finish, she had thrown herself at Anakin, squeezing his neck tightly.
Due to the fact that she was a Jedi and thus unusually strong, the grip on his neck partially choked him, but Anakin could not have cared less. He hugged her back, wrapping two arms around her waist.
Ahsoka buried her face in his neck. "Blast you, Anakin; Iknew you were going to make me cry today!" Ahsoka mumbled angrily. Anakin chuckled and patted her back. Ahsoka sniffled into his neck. "I love you too, you know," she sniffled. Anakin nodded and held her tighter; he needed to hear that right now.
"I do now, anyway," he agreed. Have I ever told Obi-wan this? He wondered suddenly, thinking at the warmth that spread through his heart when Ahsoka said that.
For someone to know that someone else shared their love, that someone else loved them as much as they themselves loved, then all in the universe seemed right. Anakin was hit with sudden victory and strength, he felt as if he could do anything now, because someone besides Padme loved him.
He had earned that much in his lifetime.
But what if his plan didn't work? What if Obi-wan died not knowing how much Anakin loved him? How much Anakin needed him?
All these years, I wanted him to say that he cares about me, that he loves me, and I have not told him myself, he marveled.
How horrible would it be, to die unloved?
How can Jedi achieve ultimate spiritual peace if they never have or feel love? It's not possible. This is the best plausible thing your soul can have. I've given him reasons to believe I cared for him, but I did that to Ahsoka too, and she didn't know. They need to hear it, just like I do.
The thought of Obi-wan, sitting alone in a cell, not knowing that he was loved and absolutely adored by Anakin was unbearable. He inhaled sharply, holding back tears. He would not let Ahsoka see him cry.
She saw anyway.
"Anakin," she let go of him and looked up with concern, her hands still on his shoulders. "Are you alright? Did I choke you?" He chuckled and turned away, absorbing his tears back into his eyes. He could not fail, not before he told Obi-wan the truth.
"No. I'm… It's just… Force, Ahsoka, if I ever let anything happen to him…" she caught on at once and squeezed his arm. "Obi-wan is strong," she told him confidently. Anakin shook his head and straightened up, swiping at his wet eyes without shame.
Ahsoka had never judged him. "He's like my big brother, Ahsoka, my best friend, I look up to him. I… I couldn't bear it if…" Ahsoka squeezed his arm again, quieting his doubts, which had so far refused to quiet.
Her eyes, compassionate and assuring, smiled at him. Anakin wondered what he would do without Ahsoka's permanently full reserves of compassion and selflessness.
What would he have done throughout the Clone War? He would not have survived without her. "We all need him," she agreed.
"But Master, if the death of his own master, raising you, The Clone War, Jabiim, Grievous, Ventress, Darth Maul, Dooku and Sidious couldn't kill him, what makes you think this traitor can?" She asked.
You don't know Bruck.
Anakin shook his head. "It's nothing. I…I just can't lose any of you, Snips. I had a heart attack when I heard about Padme," he told her what he was sure she already knew. Ahsoka grinned and shook her head. "Bounty hunters," she clucked.
"Gotta love them. Padme is fine, I saw her a few weeks ago. And you don't have to worry about me, you know, Intrepid and Lux always take care of me. And I know that's why you chose Cannonball. I know Rex will handle your safety. Padme… Keeps a stash of blasters all over the house and," she raised her white eyebrows.
"She and Nava have become quite the attached team. Obi-wan's girlfriend and your wife get along well," that made him laugh. "So you know about Nava and Obi-wan, do you?" He asked. Ahsoka snorted.
"You cannot keep a secret from the Charlatan Queen," she declared, smugly satisfied with herself. "Intrepid told you, huh?" That made her blush, the blue and white coloration ion her head tails flashed darker.
"Whatever," she answered quickly. "Obi-wan will be fine. He takes care of you and you take care of all of us. Simple as that," she finished. Anakin squeezed her arm.
"Simple as that," he agreed. Ahsoka's eyes clouded with endearing worry. "Are you sure…?" She began. "I said I missed you, not that I couldn't function without you. Get out of here, Knight Tano," he gave her a light push, renewed.
Despite the fact that Mace, Nava and Qui-gon had spoken to him, trying to better his resolve in this subject, only Ahsoka had done it.
He felt confident. He would save Obi-wan, of course. And they would move on, there was still hope for the future, despite all that seemed bleak and horrible now.
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself," and it was as simple as that. Strength returned to Anakin, he could almost feel it tightening his muscles and straightening his spine. He grinned easily.
"Fine, fine," Ahsoka put her hands up in defeat. "I give up. But I want a detailed report when you rescue him. He's my big brother too, you know," Anakin had the nudging suspicion that Obi-wan was everyone's big brother.
"Yes, master," he gave her a respectful bow. Ahsoka giggled like the child she still was in his eyes and bowed back. "Walk back with me, old friend?" She requested. Anakin laughed and nodded. "Always, old friend."
In honor of Ahsoka Tano, who, as we know, left the Jedi Order. A great character, wasted. A great cartoon series, wasted... I knew George Lucas shouldn't have sold Star Wars to Disney. Now what am I supposed to do every Saturday morning?
~Queen Yoda
