I know that you will understand this tale of twisted love quite well being the progeny of your father and I. I have strove to treat you as an equal and distance myself from the blood we share in order to be true to this ode of my heart. To you I have given what little love I had left after loving my lord and Minnie. You know that I love your brother Beau but in a more distant way. That has kept me awake many a night with shame.

Only to you Cole was the full mystery of my love given. To you was also shared the moonlight colored hair and his eyes which dance behind mine when they close. I have a confession; Beau isn't your full brother, he is the offspring of your uncle Caleb. That is why he's always been dark to your fairness.

I have known for years of your affair with your sister Belle; and to this I say may you find comfort in one another, love is so rare in this world, why should we be confined by society's whims and forbiddances?

Belle is weak and I have despised her and loved her desperately for the whole of her life. But men flock to her face so like mine used to be and sometimes in candlelight still is. I believe that they are drawn to her warmth and that her weakness is completely compelling to them. Do not misunderstand me; I have great affection for her, in fact she is the only woman I have ever loved besides Minnie and my mother. But it is time to lay down my cards as they say and let you see the full darkness of me which I have striven to hide from all of you.

Your father has always been discreet with his affairs as have I and I'm sure that you were not fully aware of them and I wonder now if my memoir was my last evil act before oblivion.

I hope that in some small measure you saw that I gave everything I had to you children but of course the lion's share was always for you and your father. To Beau: I loved your father Caleb greatly in my own way and we shared deep abiding passion, I thought you should know that before I am gone.

Caleb has watched you grow with great love and has always known that you were his. That is why he took such care with your upbringing and doted on you so. In fact that is why he has lived with us for the past fifteen years. To be near you and in some ways near me. To Belle: I have always loved you as much as I could though I never saw myself in you other than your stunning face. You have much grace and I know that you will marry well and also that you will always be in love chiefly with your brother Cole. I accept this as this is the way of our family and always has been. The men of your father's line are always ones possessing of great charisma and beauty and mystery, even your uncle Cole has depths to him that are nearly awe inspiring.

To Cole for whom this story has been written: When I am gone I wish for you to have your 'aunt' Matilda sing me to my grave with "Amazing Grace". To Matlida: When I said that it was only to Belle and the dead I have given my affections to those of my sex I wish for you to know that in a small way that is a falsehood. You became quite dear to me and when I would hear you sing "La Traviata, the third act" I would become completely undone. Your talent and the contents of your personality have enriched my life of ice.

I ponder as I lay against my soft cotton pillow if there is anything I wish to add. To Caleb: You have been a great comfort to me and have kept me from despair all these years while he was faithless to me. That you have hated me and loved is known to me.

To Cole my brother-law: Though you lived forever in my lord's shadow you have such a soul of grace and depth and with my last breath of strength I wish to impart that I have known for years the worth in you that you could never see.

For Courtland and Eric I have nothing to write because they are dead as I will soon be. Perhaps as my soul disintegrates among the hard brilliant stars I will speak once more with the last of my energy to you and tell you that you have made my life something magnificent when it had such humble beginnings.

I regret nothing that I have done, nor do I regret a single day of loving my husband. Over time his infidelities ceased to hurt me because I knew he never cared for any beyond me; not truly anyway.

To Corrin was given some love but not in the same soul bleeding way as to me. To Emmire: I have grown over time to accept your position in our lives as both kin to my husband and lover and I have come to have some affection for you.

I wish even though I wrote this for you Cole, for this work to be published posthumously. Because I believe though there is no great skill in the manner I have set this down that it will strike a chord with many though they will be loathe to admit it. This is the true tale of all the darkness and passion of an all-consuming love.

I love you my children with all that I am able to. Soon I will be gone from this miserable beautiful planet and be reunited with Eric in the stars; who knows perhaps we will become one star twinkling down upon you.

My hand grows so tight and it pains me but I must end this. With these last words the door opened.

I have set down this encounter with you Cole after you took your leave of me for the readers that shall read this in years to come.

I looked up and saw my son Cole come into the room with his brother Beau. Belle has always been frightened of me so she didn't wish to join them I suppose. Beau is Caleb made anew as is Cole made Eric.

Light and dark and beautiful as both they gathered around me. I closed the book I've been working on for the last eight months and hand it to Cole. "This is the story of the only part of my life that ever mattered," I whispered with the last of my strength.

I looked to Beau "Your father should be here soon," he looked confused by that and I laughed gently with fear at his hate for me.

"But father is dead mother, he died last year," in his voice was concern that I had finally lost my faculties.

"Your uncle Caleb is your true father, I wanted to tell you for years but it felt wrong somehow and it would have pained my lord."

Beau looked wounded but unsurprised "Yes I always suspected such a thing," he murmured in his soft manner that both my sons had gotten from their fathers.

He bowed his night colored head "But Eric has always been so kind to me that I strove to believe it not," he whispered.

I took his elegant hand in mine only withered slightly with time "I have always tried to love you as you deserve Beau, forgive me for my coldness."

At this statement Beau nodded "Yes I know mother that you have, and I know that you love my father."

At my responding nod he gave me a sorrowful smile and glanced to his brother "I have been envious of you for years that you looked so much like your father while I resembled Caleb and Cole," he paused and his hand drifted to his brother's.

You were watching me in that moment with bright interest and I was flattered as I have always been in your abiding interest in me. He turned to his brother and leaned forward and kissed his cheek with tenderness "I know that brother dear," he said softly.

"Mother it is time to give you to the ether and I find I couldn't be sadder," my son Cole said.

No one in our family with the exception of Belle ever believed in God. I nodded and looked to Beau once more "You will not hold any rancor for my coldness?"

He smirked with his lush mouth "No mother, you did the best you could."

"Your sister could not bear to join us I see," I said abruptly. My sons looked pained.

"You have always been so cold with her that she feared that you would have no parting word for her," Cole told me with a look of anger. I knew that he was madly in love with his sister and that part of him hated that I had withheld a great deal of affection from her.

"You will always love and care for her?" this question was to you my son.

Cole nodded "Yes I will though…" he trailed off and in his bright aquamarine gaze was a dread.

"I have known for years," I whispered reaching for his cheek to touch with my aged lips.

He gasped as if in pain "Why did you not put a stop to it?" he sounded grateful and sorrowful.

I shrugged with my delicate shoulder "Because love is all that matters in this world and I would never take from you such comfort," I fell quiet for a moment and listened to the rain that had begun to fall. "What difference does blood make in such a passionate feeling of the heart?"

Cole smiled then and tucked my blankets about my little emaciated form. "You have been the most remarkable mother that any has ever had," he said softly.

Shortly after my sons took their leave I wrote this last exchange down and got up with the lingering bit of strength available to me and opened the window and went back to bed. I listened to the rain that fell like manna from heaven and nodded with justice at the universe. The rain somehow was a right granted to me as I lay dying.

The final vision to my heavy with life eyes was a bolt of lightning that cut through the shadows and burned in my heart of ice. A final touch of fire and then I drew my last breath.

A/N: This is the end. I have given the whole contents of my dark soul to this work. And as some of you have suspected there is much of my life in this tale. This my ode to my love who died alone never feeling true happiness of a lasting nature. He was never once faithful to me but the love he gave me was so very deep and his passion for living was immense. If you wish to rail against the ending go ahead but I am fully satisfied and proud of this tale because I have fully told a tale of my soul.