Chapter 51

Untitled

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Help...please...help me...please...

I am on my hands and knees in the darkness...there's nobody here.

Help...

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"PLEASE!"

I...these tears can't stop falling. Now I'm just being...pathetic...I'll just lay here, I hold myself in...hold myself.

I...I...

Feels cold...no fire though...

But the tears have dried out now at least. My eyes are wide open, just so I can actually see, not that I need to. I see on forever and beyond.

I can't move anymore...heh...had a feeling. Just...

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I want to get up. This is like Mercer all over again, I go through the flash backs at a quickened rate, but then I feel...numb...void.

Damn those echoes...they go on...mocking me...making me hear my own dumb voice.

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get...up...

get...up...

These hands...quake in the presence of my phobia...now they don't move. I can't move anything but my own eyes and mouth.

Where I am, I'm either alive or dead...I don't know...I just...want Bryn. I miss Ayisha, but no ones here but me.

Dramatic...I don't want to feel sorry for myself. It piles up...and up until it implodes and you're left as an empty shell.

Why do I fail as a Nord? I am supposed to be fighting yet I run away scared all the damn time simply because Dragons scare me. But I don't want others to die! No! Just no! I hate being Dragonborn! I would have known in time the true meaning of it, but for me it just means being a little whiny bitch who can't do what she was born to do. I am wasting this on petty crying and vomiting. Ugh. Pathetic...useless. Pitable, feeble...fragile...Why couldn't I be been born something less special?

(We all want to be something else, but you know the obstacles that get in your way...)

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I... I should have stayed in Cyrodiil. Stayed on the farm with mother and father tending it away...would have ended up marrying some Imperial boy. Had kids...

(Would life have stayed the same? Dragons attack all the same. Would have extended their reach.)

No one would have died...everyone would...just...

(Yet you fail to see the successes)

Mother and father would still be alive...and happy. I would be happy and now grateful.

(You are blinded by your failures)

Brynjolf would have been fine and happy with the Guild and not stuck with plaintive old me. I have done nothing for him. I owe him too much and now I can never give him that chance. He would have found another woman. And they'd get up to mischief and they'd be able to kill dragons without anyone dying. Another Dragonborn.

(Mercer would have literally got away with murder and the Guild would cease to be. Brynjolf could have been in your position and would died instead. You changed their fate with your being.)

The Gods made a terrible choice. I am...simply a coward and a mess. I try so hard and I still...UGHHHHHHH

(You are braver than you think you are)

And...I only kept alive by following orders.

(And your choices saved the Guild from reckoning, but you know not to take orders that you're unsure of.)

I have no orders...I have nothing...I...I don't know what to do...

(You steal back what was stolen from you.)

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I feel safer here...no noise. No dragons...just me. Where no one can hurt me and I can't hurt anyone.

Maybe I should have gone to the Companions instead...

(Fate would decree a lot more in store. Your choices are your own)

I'm useless.

(Blinded by failure...)

I shouldn't receive praise for doing what was expected of me.

(A lot would have expected you to fail. But you succeeded where they didn't. You cannot see that)

I just want to sleep...

What? I heard footsteps...they're coming closer. I see...someone...in a robe and cloak of garnet, a hood of ruby and gold, long hair the colour of clouds pouring down like a waterfall from the sides of her hood, face hidden in shadow but eyes that were shining like diamonds. A woman made of jewels, but her armor was like it was made of stone, the shoulders in the shape of dragon heads as I saw her with her hands folding behind her back, like a high ranked soldier. She then pulled to hood off, allowing me to see the perculiar circle with a glowing drop diamond as the centerpiece. The remainder of her hair was tied up, revealing her bejewelled ears.

"You fall into the deep sleep Petra and you won't be able to wake up from the Nightmare...sorry about the corny metaphor but that's what you're saying you want and that's what you'll expect." the person called out to me. Her voice was calm but felt...confident and authoritative.

My eyes dropped down and I continued to stare at nothing.

"What can be worse than this?" I told her. I mean it was weird enough but not enough to fight back.

She started pacing around me.

"Staying away won't solve any problems. They'll get worse. Your heart is broken and your spirit shattered. It's not hard to see. These can be mended, fixed. With rebuilding strength and baring the bad to find the good." She worded.

I'm...just so tired...

"I don't...I don't know how to bring Brynjolf back. I've never...done this before..." I explained, voice quivering.

"If you know you can, you can. If you think you can't, you can't. Simple." She explained briefly, though my minds all over the place. It hurts too much to think. But I have no idea who this was. I had...a few assumptions.

"Are...are you Sithis?" I questioned, voice soft and unsure. The Dark Brotherhood had uncanny methods.

She laughed at me.

"What? No! Why...never mind, too fragile for your mortal mind. A child of my order met you in Whiterun some time ago...no?"

I looked down at my hand, still wearing that ring that...that Torvan gave me. Wait...

"You're from...the Crusaders of Verity? The one he was..." I sputtered out.

"Yes that's me. Your heart reached out but with no one to reach to, it reached to me instead." She stated, making hand gestures like a business woman.

"So...you're a spirit stuck in the ring?" I wondered.

She chuckled.

"Sort of...let's just say I sealed a portion of my power inside it. Like an Avatar...but you are really speaking to me."

I didn't understand nor did I want to. I'd prefer I'd be left alone.

"So you have some kind of magic that's supposed to make me feel better?" I scolded.

I saw her head shake as she walked off and turned her back to me.

"No...I'm a guide. I have seen a lot in my time. Nothing really surprises me anymore." She complained, strangely.

"I have...Skyrim's best intentions at heart. I've watched the chaos unfold before you. It's a task I'm willing to undertake."

A task? She was...watching?

"Why didn't you just do something then?" I called out.

"I couldn't. Brynjolf was the first one you reached out when it was tough. He's not here and I'm here because we implanted the idea in your head to call us if it when all else had failed."

I...

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don't.

"My real intention is to help you get what you need in order to succeed. You're undermining and not placing value on your skills. So I'm going to ask you two questions. One, what do you need to do?"

I didn't...want to do this. I can't...

"I want...to save Brynjolf and Ayisha...and the world from Alduin." I answered.

The woman nodded.

"Very good. Second question, how are you going to get there?"

I closed my eyes. I don't know! I don't want to... this...

"I am not sure. I'm stuck here. And I have no...no...idea where Brynjolf would be..." I pointed out. I don't know what to do... she stood in front of me with her legs wide and arms crossed.

"Petra, you've helped claim the four main cities as Guild territory. Although Delvin and Vex helped you out but giving you the requests, you've earned the trust back. Which is filled with irony in a field full of flowers of lies. The Guild grew underneath your hidden influence. You cannot see it because you bog yourself down with everything in your life that went wrong. So...how are you going to go about it? You have resources that you brought back. And you should have full access to anywhere." The woman explained. I wondered, had I done enough?

"Don't you know where he is?" I asked.

"No...but you are connected with dozens of people around Skyrim. Speak to your contacts. I would recommend. The battle was lost but the war...the dreaded war still rages out there somewhere."

She spoke, trying to say I was one of the best. But it's not hard to follow orders. Getting there is a bit hard but with Nocturnal you're nearly bound to succeed each and every time.

"You know I would normally try my hardest..but I'm...done...I can't move..."

She squatted down next to me. I could see the outline of her face somewhat. Thin but a bit wide and a somewhat larger than average nose.

"A loss of will to live... It's hard to recuperate from but it takes real guts to get yourself moving again. I'll continue...you have automatically accepted this...as the last straw and the last nail...you feel this is the darkest you've ever been, a world clouded and fogged and you cannot see anything because you don't want to. The pain you feel is something waiting to explode. Don't know how many times I have to hammer the thought in your head Petra..."

I...I...

"You are what the Gods chose and chose for a reason! Being Dragonborn is not particularly your first choice. We must pinpoint the very heart of your fears. You consider yourself weak...when you are strong, you fear Dragons but you also fear yourself. Remember you are considered a Dragon and you power is great if not greater than the dragons themselves...this was meant...to take down Alduin and his brothers."

I don't deserve any of that. Look at her, getting up and pacing around me again.

"You have already taken down a sum of the giant immortal beasts and proved to them...they hunt you because they fear you! That's what supposed to happen. They attack you because they're so afraid of dying themselves. That they never had to experience it and for those who have since they're coming back to life, they will never forget a Dragonborn..."

I eat their souls. Big deal...

"Let me tell you the story of the First Dragonborn. He had...formidable power born in the era where Dragons ruled Skyrim. He was one of the most powerful as well. Killed the head of the Dragon Priest order."

I heard about that...that's...

"That's why the Cult hates me...my predecessor killed one of their own..." I worded...

She nodded.

"Yes...but at the same time, this Dragonborn was also a Priest and betrayed the group. The Cult sees you as affront...and the same spirit that killed their leader." She explained.

That's technically impossible but I...understood why they truly hated me.

"The Priests built temples and shrines in the name and glory of their dragon masters. The first Priest was a leader of a group of nords that commanded the slaves to tend. He was a politically important figure whom impressed the dragons with his willingness to serve above and beyond the duty, of the Dragon Gods themselves. He was a great tactician and wasn't afraid to kill his own people if they dared to defy the gods in anyway, despite their own tyrannical ruling."

Why hadn't I seen or read any of this? Don't...recall...

"The name was stricken for the records by the nords who took over the first Priests temple. His body was never found, but the Cult...their aim...their purposes. They've waited thousands of years for this moment..."

She seemed so knowledgeable about someone no one actually talks about. I'm aware of the Dragon Priests, IE Krosis, but...this was becoming more complicated.

"So the descendants have been waiting all this time?" I asked.

The woman nodded.

"The scariest part is you do not know who is still part of the Cult. It's really secretive. And they're doing their best to make sure that where they currently are isn't found. Could be anyone. Like Brynjolf's father." She replied.

Should have known. Well, maybe not have known but still...I was still numb, but if I was anyone, I would have been in panic mode. They have eyes and ears everywhere and you can't...you can't tell who's part of it!

"Use your resources to find out, Petra. I promise you that once you're ready, you can take control of yourself and move once more. Do not take too long...but you just need...need to believe Petra. Believe you can and that you will solve it."

I was...beginning to feel again...a type of sadness peaking through the numbness. I swallowed.

"I...just...it's just..."

"I've sent a message out to someone so they can take you home. Either find yourself again Petra...you can do that...or rot in catatonia and feel sorry for yourself. Remember it is your choice."

Choice...choice...my choice.

"Wait...who are you?" I called out as the woman started to walk away.

She smiled, I could see her teeth glistening through.

"I have had many names during my life and have gone through a lot more than you can imagine. So I stick to one that suits me best." She answered.

"You can call me...the Realm-Walker. I will still assist you where you can but in the end, it comes down to what you know you can do and the power to act. Without that power, it's hopeless. Find your spirit again Petra. Investigate...find...choose...act. And you will succeed. I will speak to you again soon..."

Wake Up!


I faded in and out of consciousness as I heard the cluttering of footsteps and thumping hooves. Shadows overcast me. I still couldn't move...but...

I also heard voices...familiar voices.

"Blimey what happened?" I heard a thick accented voice. I know it...I know it...

"I don't know, Karliah just received a message to pick up some cargo near the border. Didn't expect...well...this..." Sounded sharp and feminine. Knew that one too.

I saw trees rush by and I was somewhat bouncing about.

"I didn't see Bryn with her anywhere...hope he's alright..."

That's...Delvin!

"His horse wasn't at the Stables. According to the guys at the Stables the message was attached to her horse. That is one smart horse."

Vex!

I...was somewhat relieved. I'd missed them and the Guild. But...

I don't know...

I fell back into unconsciousness, then slowly woke up, seeing blurs but I could make out the brickwork and gushing sounds of water as I lay in my bed in the cistern. More shadows came over me and started talking.

"Shadows! What...what's the meaning of this?"

That soft voice of reason. Karliah...our Guildmaster.

"You sent us to retrieve the cargo as requested boss. We found her there, laying on the ground, bloody. She was just...lying in the middle of bloody road on the way to Cyrodiil..." Delvin explained.

So that's where I ended up.

"No signs of an ambush either. Doesn't sound right." Vex commented.

They moved me.

"Hm...did you see Brynjolf?" Karliah asked them.

Bryn...where are you?

"Nope. I heard she was from Cyrodiil. Maybe she was heading back home?" Delvin suggested.

No..I was betrayed.

"I doubt it Delvin. The girls got something to sort out. If she wasn't with Brynjolf, then he might still be in danger too. Seriously doubt those two would tear themselves apart from one another. Wouldn't be surprised if they're both screwing each other like rabbits."

Subtle Vex. But...she...was right.

About Brynjolf that is...

"I've been hearing stories of increased sightings of Dragons lately. Whether or not that's related is another matter. But my gut tells me that I don't like the looks of this. We'll question her when she wakes up..."


I waited until they left and opened my eyes. I couldn't move still. But...then my head...it started hurting. Brynjolf, I am...so so sorry...I began to weep. What happened to my realm of darkness where I turned numb. I sobbed. No one needed to see how distraught and weak I was. I am...no longer worthy.

Someone must have heard me as I heard shuffling nearby.

"Petra?" Karliah spoke. I knew she wouldn't have gone far. But she was sitting on the other side, as my back was against her. My body moved as I stuttered from whimpering I couldn't force myself around, the pain was too great that it just...filled my whole body with excruciating guilt and sorrow.

"Petra?"

My throat clogged up again, preventing me from speaking properly.

"Petra what's wrong?"

Everything.

"Where's Brynjolf?"

The fire reacted my nerves and my eyes widened at his name. I shot up from where I was...DON'T SAY HIS NAME...

I got up too fast and fell over off the bed, holding my gut. He must have got me...great another scar to my collection.

"Stop...you're going to undo the stitches if you're not careful."

I had to act...like the Realm-Walker said. But...I froze again and just fell to the ground

Pathetic. Just pathetic.

Karliah helped me back on the bed again, as she looked at me sternly. I could barely look at her in the eye. I went back on the bed and curled up, and stopped crying as I held my was the kind of stuff you do as a scared kid, not an adult.

But...nothing was going to happen if I didn't do anything. Just stop being whimpy about it Petra. Come on! Enough was enough!

"I screwed up...I couldn't...I couldn't save him..." I admitted.

Karliah's eyes opened more.

"What? Is...is he dead?"

In a sense yes...but..I'd calmed down considerably, willingly so with what I could do at that stage. I needed...I just...be sensible and honest. No matter how out there it sounded, there was no reason for me to lie. if I had to do anything it was to help progress, not hinder it. It's an agonising struggle, but I know I have to do what I hate to get things done.

"I don't know. He'd...he was possessed and tried to kill me...but...it's much more complicated than a simple possession."

Karliah sat by me and rested my head against her side and rubbed my back. It...was a touch nice...a bit of warmth.

''And Nocturnal didn't protect you both?" She asked me.

I bit the side of my mouth.

"She...may have saved me from dying...but. "

Such words escaped next that I've never expected to say.

"Bryn's situation is dire and I really need your help."

Karliah nodded, then gave me a soft hug, trying to assure me that it was going to be okay.

"Of course. Though like you said, it's complicated. But...just tell me what to do and I'll do as much as I can. The Guild still owes you a lot for what you've done."

Orders...me giving the orders? No...not heard of. But...I've been out of my comfort zone enough to get used to it. So might as well get it over and done with. But I'm home.

Thank Nocturnal I was home.