I will not run from bad things I've done
They're things I'll try not to repeat
—The Church of What's Happening Now, Sia
The days since Solona's conversation with Aurelian in the Fade were so busy that it was easy to dismiss it all as an unpleasant dream. She told herself that Aurelian wouldn't be able to find Alistair so easily… especially without her help. She had to stop visiting the Tevinter magister's little gazebo—she couldn't afford to give him what he wanted—but now that she'd seen his true nature, she had no desire to talk to him, anyway.
Aurelian had been using her. For all that he'd supposedly 'helped' her, it wasn't until Alistair's bloodline was revealed that he decided to move the sky and earth to help her. Where was all this effort when she'd wanted to leave before?
Even days later, thinking of her conversation with Aurelian still brought chills to her spine.
"To think, all this time there was another option right under my nose!"
The sunlight streaming through the slats of the gazebo roof was warm and bright, but Solona shivered as she watched Aurelian pacing back and forth beneath it. The magister was rubbing his hands together in delight and muttering to himself.
What have I gotten myself into now? "Uh… Aurelian, what the fuck are you on about?"
He halted and turned to look at her, the light of some maniacal fire burning in his amber eyes. "Blood, darling. His blood." At Solona's alarmed and confused face, he held up his hands. "You needn't worry. I've no plans to kill the man." He stepped toward her, fixing his intense gaze on her. "But you simply must bring Alistair to Tevinter. At once."
Her heart pounded in her chest and her hands went slick with sweat. Stop it, she told herself. It was Aurelian… her friend. Why was she suddenly so terrified? "Why do I need to do that?"
His lips spread into a thin smile she thought was intended to appear patient. The tremor in his voice gave him away, however. "As it turns out, the Calenhad bloodline that rules your backwater little country has a rather fascinating history." Putting his hands in a pedagogical pose behind his back, he went on. "I'm sure you're familiar with the story of your King Calenhad, and his bloody path to glory and power. What you don't know is that it was not the strength of Calenhad's sword arm that propelled him to greatness. Your king learned a great secret, and with it bargained for power from a witch. She took him to where a Great Dragon lay dying and allowed him to drink the beast's blood."
It sounded like bullshit—a fairy tale told to children. But Solona could tell by his expression that he believed it wholeheartedly, and she'd never met anyone in the Fade or out who knew as many forbidden secrets as Aurelian. "No shit? So what does that do?"
He arched an eyebrow. "There is tremendous power in the blood of a Great Dragon. Power that has remained in the Theirin bloodline for centuries. Power that I was worried had died out completely." He took a step toward her, his posture and countenance turned menacing and predatory. "Power that I need to harness—power that I must harness."
He stood a mere foot from her, and he was tall enough that she was in the uncommon position of having to look up to see him. She couldn't think of a single word to say in response to the naked hunger on his face.
At her speechlessness, his gaze turned sly. "Power that will be available to you too, should you succeed in bringing Alistair to Tevinter." She said nothing, and Aurelian went on, placing his hands gently on her shoulders. "Come to Tevinter and I will make you a magister… you'll have lands, riches, influence… power. You'll have a life you could only dream about in Ferelden. I could give you everything."
They'd been over this before, so it shouldn't have tempted her, and if she were a better person, maybe it wouldn't have. But, there was a part of her that yearned for that kind of freedom… maybe even that kind of power. Still… she was not a monster, and Alistair was her friend. "What will happen to him?"
Aurelian's cheek twitched, and she could tell he was annoyed by her question. He took his hands off her shoulders and stepped back, waving them. "He'll come to no great harm!" At Solona's doubtful expression he sighed. "What he'll lack in freedom will be more than made up for in happiness. I will ensure that his days are spent in an in an ideal reality—you know that I could create a world for him where he would want for nothing."
As she stared up at the tall, handsome man in front of her, Solona wondered how she didn't see the truth sooner. Aurelian saw nothing wrong with owning slaves… he viewed anyone who wasn't 'special' like the two of them as being beneath him and worthy of scorn. Why should she be surprised that he wouldn't blink at the idea of using another person as some kind of enthralled blood slave? "But it wouldn't be real."
"What is reality anyway? You should know better than anyone that it's a fleeting, amorphous concept. And what is so wonderful about reality that men should choose it over their own happiness?" Solona frowned and was about to argue when Aurelian cut her off. "Let me ask you this, is Alistair happy now, in the real world?"
He wasn't, but Solona wasn't about to tell Aurelian that-there was no way she could do this to Alistair. Even if she wanted to, she could hardly skip the country on a whim. "How am I supposed to get him to Tevinter anyway? Did you forget the fact that we're in the middle of an actual Blight? Who'll be left to fight the darkspawn if I take Alistair?"
"You said Elissa now knows how to Join more Wardens… leave the Blight to her. I'm sure she'd be quite capable enough to handle this whole business on her own."
She shook her head back and forth, annoyed at the feeling in her gut that was pulled toward Aurelian's offer. But nothing had really changed, had it? "I told you, I can't leave. What'll happen to Jowan if I do?"
Aurelian gave her a wide smile. "You needn't leave him behind! I am sure that I can arrange to have your friend brought to Tevinter as well."
Solona's gaze hardened as she stared up at him. He was lying—she was sure of it. It was all too good to be true, wasn't it? Something had been stripped away from Aurelian's mask of polite and caring civility, and she saw him as he was: selfish, power hungry, and uncaring about anyone but himself. Just like Neria.
The sunken feeling in her chest was familiar and awful. She whirled around and took a few steps away, coming to rest with her hands on the gazebo railing. "I… I'm not going to do that. Alistair and Elissa trust me. We're… we're friends, and I'm going to become a Warden." Turning back to face him, she jutted out her chin in defiance. "I won't do this for you."
From another perspective, watching the progression of emotions flicker over Aurelian's features might have been kind of funny—there was confusion, at first, and then a dumbfounded surprise that she doubted he experienced very often. At last he landed on an icy sort of anger. "Very well. You've left me no choice."
He reached for her, but Solona was expecting it and managed to dart to the side and slide out from under his hand just in time.
With a jolt of magic she had escaped the Fade and jerked awake, her frantic breathing filling the darkened tent with sudden noise. She had wondered just what Aurelian had been about to do. She thought herself immune to the tricks of other dreamers, but he'd been about to grab her, and every instinct in her mind had screamed for her to flee.
It had occurred to her that Aurelian might just try to seek Alistair out on his own in the Fade—perhaps there was a way to get to other people's dreams through someone they knew? Perhaps that's what he'd been about to do...
Solona resolved to watch Alistair closely over the next few days to see if his behavior changed at all. She and the others had returned from Soldier's Peak and the entire party was thrust into preparing for their little clandestine mission in the arl's estate. Everyone was preoccupied with work, but as far as she could tell, Alistair's mind was his own—or as much as it could be after getting his heart stomped on by Elissa. He wasn't exactly acting like himself right now, but he seemed rather consumed with his own misery, rather than about to flee to Aurelian's side.
She tried bugging him about learning the litany a few times but he had brushed her off until at last she'd snapped at him that Howe's pet blood mage might take advantage of his failure. That got through to him—later that same day, she saw him reading over the old scroll with the litany. Finally.
Hopefully he wouldn't even need it, if they were lucky.
"About what happened last night…"
Solona looked up from where she was shoving her supplies into her pack—there was an odd note in Elissa's tone that sparked her curiosity. The others were all gathered around, doing the same as her. They were about to set off deeper into the Brecilian forest after their first night of camping in the open-air cave.
Everyone paused to stare at Elissa, who stood in the center of their impromptu circle. She took a deep breath and glanced at Alistair, who avoided returning her gaze at all, and then Zevran, who offered her a tight smile that Solona wasn't quite sure how to read. As Elissa's gaze flitted over the rest of her companions, Solona's brows pulled together in a frown.
Elissa looked disheveled. Her usually perfectly-coiffed hair hung in a ragged braid over her shoulder, and her rumpled clothes were covered with dirt she hadn't bothered to brush off. Whereas the rest of them had washed up this morning in the little trickle of a waterfall at the back of the cave, Elissa must've skipped it, since she still had streaks of dirt on her face and neck. The lack of self-care coupled with the deep circles under Elissa's eyes made Solona uneasy—what was going on with their normally put-together leader?
Once she was sure she had all of their attention, Elissa continued. "It was no accident that Darrian was left behind in the arl's dungeon. That was the plan all along."
So that's what happened. She'd overheard Alistair and Elissa talking a little but was so focused on casting her ice spells that she'd tuned them out, and later she had so much else on her mind she had forgotten to ask.
"What do you mean?" Wynne asked.
Elissa rubbed her hand over her hair and closed her eyes for a breath before opening them. "I… exaggerated my ability with poisons in order to get Darrian to trust me so that I could steal the antidote from him after he was rewarded with it. I do not have the skill to replicate another dose of the antidote." Her eyes were darting to and fro as if she couldn't decide which one of them to look at. "The plan was to get him the reward and then steal it out from under his nose."
A gasp came from her right, and Solona wasn't sure if it was from Wynne or Leliana—the Circle mage had her hand over her mouth, while Leliana's lips were drawn into a thin line, and her arms were crossed over her chest.
"I apologize for the deception. I deemed it necessary to ensure the success of the plan."
Sten didn't seem too ruffled by the whole thing either way. "Basara, let us move on. This entire endeavor has been a distraction—"
"How could you leave Darrian in that place, Elissa?" Leliana's voice was sharp and cut through even the qunari's loud rumble.
Elissa seemed to wilt under Leliana's scrutiny until she gave a hard blink and squared her shoulders. "That… was an unfortunate necessity. I couldn't risk leaving him free in the city to pursue us, as I'm sure he would have felt compelled to do."
Solona didn't think the argument was making too much of a dent in the others' opinion, but they seemed still too in shock to react. "That's why you were so bent on dismantling that little fire cell operation, right?" she asked.
Elissa found Solona's gaze and stared, lips parted in brief surprise. "Indeed," she said, nodding at Solona before her face turned grim again. "I realize this decision may not sit well with all of you." Leliana, Wynne and Alistair all stiffened at that, but before any of them could argue, Elissa went on. "That's fine. You are not required to approve of my decisions. You are only required to respect them and follow my orders."
Solona's eyebrows shot up and she looked around to see how Elissa's cool command was received by the others. They seemed too taken aback to respond.
"Lest you forget, we're in the middle of a Blight, and we are Grey Wardens. It is our responsibility… our duty to make the decisions and sacrifices no one else is willing to make." She looked around at each of them in turn, seeming more confident in her argument now. "And that is what I did here. I made the decision to sacrifice one man's freedom." Her throat worked as she seemed to take a hard swallow. "Maybe even his life. I chose to save the life of another man—a man more important to our cause." She grimaced and stared unfocused at something in the middle distance. "It was not a decision I enjoyed making, but I made it because it was necessary, and I will not apologize for that. This is no time for sentimentality. We may be called upon again to make such tough decisions." She paused, seeming to hold her breath for a second. "If any of you have a problem with that, you are free to leave right now."
Feeling her eyes go wide at Elissa's ultimatum, Solona's gaze darted around the other companions to gauge their reaction again. Wynne's face was still furrowed into a frown, but the angry line of her mouth had softened a little. Leliana regarded Elissa out of the corner of her eye, while Sten's expressionless stare almost seemed almost vacant. Alistair was still scowling at the earth with his arms crossed over his chest. Only Zevran's expression seemed perfectly serene.
None of them made any move to leave, but Solona could see that the varying degrees of anger might prove messy.
And for some reason, it bugged her. Who were they to judge? Maybe it wasn't the nicest thing in the world to do… but sometimes when a person was forced into an impossible situation, they had to resort to not-nice means. Was it the right thing to do? Solona had no idea. She was just glad it wasn't her that had to make the decision. She didn't know what the fuck she'd have done if it were up to her—Maker's tits, how long had it taken her to decide to trust these people and become a Warden, anyway?
And she had decided, she realized—something felt final about that internal proclamation as she stared at Elissa's rigid posture. The kid—and she was just a kid (Is she even twenty?) had come a long way from the bug-eyed and fearful creature Solona had met outside the Tower of Ishaal. When they'd met, Elissa was just a snooty voice and a one-trick pony who could barely defend herself—but even then, the young noblewoman had been unwavering in the face of what she suspected was an impossible-to-win fight. Solona had never seen Elissa balk at doing whatever it took to defeat the Blight, and she'd been steadfast in her devotion to her duty.
Steadfast, but not ruthless—at least, not before this. It had been Elissa who had dismissed the idea that Solona might have to die for changing her mind about becoming a Grey Warden. In fact, Elissa had come through for her before that, too. Yes, Solona had to promise Elissa a favor to save her friend Jowan, but it wasn't like Elissa had been bent on killing him, either. She'd acquiesced to Solona's pleading to convince the insufferable arlessa to let Jowan out of the dungeons and into a more comfortable room in the castle. There had been no advantage in that for Elissa.
She was brusque and often tactless and had a terrible propensity to deny her obvious emotions… but Elissa wasn't a bad person. Solona had plenty of experience with bad people, she realized, the taste in her mouth gone bitter. Bad people who lied sweetly and told her everything she wanted to hear all the while not caring one whit what she really desired or needed. First Neria… then Aurelian…
If she had to choose, she'd take someone who spoke bluntly but meant well, rather than someone who spoke smoothly and meant her ill.
"Well, shit, Princess," Solona said, forcing a note of humor into her tone. "That was one hell of a plan. I'm impressed."
Elissa looked at her like she'd grown a second head at first, but then a smile tugged at her lips. "I… thank you," she said.
The others didn't look nearly as convinced, but no one said anything and it was clear to Solona that they didn't have the heart or guts to stage a mutiny just yet. They would hold their nose and follow her, perhaps griping along the way.
Solona let out the breath she'd been holding when Elissa nodded at last. "Alright. Let's break camp and get moving. I've no idea if we'll need to face Howe's soldiers today."
They had no clear destination, just a general desire to get farther away from the city and any possible pursuit, so they set out in a southeasterly direction, hiking deeper into the woods.
The day was warm and sunny and Solona felt energized by her renewed commitment to the Wardens. Perhaps… perhaps she should even tell Elissa about Aurelian? She could explain how he had helped her when no one else would—how she hadn't understood, at first, that he was so evil. It was tempting, but not enough to overcome the sick feeling of guilt she felt whenever she thought about just how much she'd divulged to Aurelian about not just Alistair, but Elissa as well. Having finally and completely made the decision to become a Warden, Solona found herself reluctant to do anything that might jeopardize her new role.
Besides, wouldn't it be better to just put it all behind her? To at last let go of all that guilt and doubt and just… move on? That idea was far more appealing than having any sort of heart-to-heart confessional with Elissa, and once she made the decision she found her footsteps light and a smile easy to wear, in spite of the black mood of most of her companions.
The little wisp of light flared to life, illuminating the inside of Solona and Leliana's tent. "Home sweet home," Solona said with a grin as she unrolled her bedroll.
Leliana didn't say anything as she smoothed a hand over her own bedroll. She'd seemed preoccupied and troubled all day. Solona figured she knew the cause, but they hadn't really had a moment to discuss it until now. With a sigh, she flopped down and crossed her legs, resting her elbows on her knees. "So let's hear it. What's troubling you?"
The blanket was about as flat and unwrinkled as it could get, but Leliana still smoothed her hand over it, wearing a thoughtful frown. "I guess I'm just confused. I just don't understand what has gotten into Elissa the last few days. First that night in the city… and now this thing with Darrian… it's not like her." She shot a puzzled glance at Solona. "Has she said anything to you? Anything at all that might explain this?"
Solona's eyebrows climbed her forehead—she'd expected an angry diatribe about Elissa's decision, not this obvious concern. But that was Leliana, wasn't it? Always looking for the best in others… always open to the possibility of redemption. It filled her chest with sudden warmth to realize she was traveling with someone so kind-hearted.
To Solona, the answer to Leliana's question was a bit obvious. "Well, she's been keeping this secret about Darrian and the antidote this whole time… I imagine that had to weigh on her quite a bit."
"That's just it… we've been planning this whole thing together. Why did she feel the need to keep it secret from me?"
Leliana was frowning down at her hands and blinking, and it made something ache in Solona's chest to see her hurt expression. "Hey, don't take it personally. She probably just thought you'd try to talk her out of it."
"You heard her—it had to be done. I'm not so childish as to throw a temper tantrum when I don't get my way. And Elissa knows I can be discreet." Leliana shook her head, still staring thoughtfully at her hands. "No, she still should have told me. The fact that she didn't… it feels… personal."
There was a rather obvious reason for that, Solona thought, but she was loathe to bring it up. She hated prying, for one thing, and for another… she wasn't really sure she wanted her suspicions confirmed.
But looking at Leliana's troubled expression made something in her gut twist. "I guess… I guess she probably thinks that you'll take Alistair's side in all this."
Leliana's delicately arched eyebrows rose in surprise. "Alistair's side? Why would she think that?"
The air in the tent was insufferably warm. Solona wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. "Well… you have been spending a lot of time with him lately..." She trailed off...
"Yes, but you know why…" Leliana's gaze snapped to Solona's. "Wait a minute… are you saying what I think you're saying? Do you think Elissa…" Her eyes went wide and she blinked several times. "She doesn't think Alistair and I are… Elissa isn't jealous is she?"
The fact that Leliana seemed so shocked at the idea was encouraging, but at the same time, Solona wasn't quite sure how to answer the question… "Well, I mean… maybe? She's made a few comments that could perhaps be interpreted as jealousy."
Leliana's frown deepened with confusion. "And you told her such fear was ridiculous, did you not?"
"Er…" She rubbed the back of her neck and looked away. "No?"
When she turned back to look, Leliana was staring at her with her mouth hanging open. "Why… Solona why didn't you reassure her? Why didn't you tell her that wasn't true?"
Fuck me. She'd really gone and done it now, hadn't she? Why had she even brought up Alistair? Maker, this was not how she'd wanted this conversation to go.
"Because..." Solona hesitated, feeling impossibly trapped. She couldn't think of any way to get out of this besides telling the truth. Her head bent and she stared at her hands in her lap. Picking off an invisible piece of lint, she mumbled under her breath, "I didn't know it wasn't true."
"What?" Leliana's reply bordered on screeching. "You thought… what? I just laid in wait for something to happen between Elissa and Alistair so I could swoop in afterward and steal him away? How could you think that of me?"
Shit. How was it possible for Solona to get into so much trouble by doing absolutely nothing? "Well, when you put it like that it does sound pretty stupid…"
"Stupid? It's… it's nonsensical. This was all your idea!"
"Wait, what?" Solona's head snapped up to look at Leliana. "What was my idea?"
Leliana gave an exasperated sigh. "You know… like we said: you get Elissa and I get Alistair."
That made even less sense and Solona's face must have revealed her confusion. "I… have no idea what the fuck you're talking about."
Leliana blinked. "What do you mean you don't know? We talked about this! Don't you remember? You said the two of them were doomed. I said I wasn't so sure, but we both agreed that if they imploded—your words—then you would handle Elissa and I'd help Alistair. You… you truly don't remember?"
Wait a minute. She vaguely recalled the conversation, but she hadn't been listening all that attentively. She tended to get distracted when Leliana went on and on about the Wardens—her interest in their relationship had made Solona a little uncomfortable. For one, she hated gossip with a passion that came from spending twenty-five years cooped up in a Tower where everyone knew everybody else's business. Secondly, there was a part of her that had wondered at the time if there wasn't something more behind Leliana's obsession with the Wardens' relationship.
Fuck. Solona coughed into her hand. "I… well, yeah, I guess I just… forgot."
"You forgot?" Leliana had gone very still, those bright blue eyes sharpening as they gazed at Solona. "So you haven't been talking to Elissa about all this?"
Truth be told, Solona hadn't been paying much attention to Elissa over the last few days. The Warden had been preoccupied with planning the heist at the arl's party and Solona had been too concerned about watching Alistair to worry about her. But now, after listening to Leliana and thinking about how Elissa had appeared that morning, it occurred to her that she should have been worried.
"Well, I tried," Solona said, trying not to sound defensive, but feeling like a shit-heel. She knew she'd been fucking up over the last few days—the whole thing with Aurelian and Alistair still made her burn with shame at the memory—but she hadn't realized quite how much of a shitty friend she was being. "I swear! But she wasn't interested in saying much."
"And? What did she say? Tell me everything."
In spite of Leliana's scary commanding tone, Solona hesitated, biting her bottom lip. The one time she had bothered to talk to Elissa about anything not related to the arl's party, the young noblewoman had confessed her feelings for Alistair and then swore Solona to secrecy.
It had seemed like no big deal at the time—Solona wasn't about to run around gossiping about the Wardens' love life, deal or no deal—but now, it made things even dicier.
"I… can't." At Leliana's angry scowl she rushed to go on. "Look, I would tell you but… Elissa wouldn't like it. She told me those things in confidence. I… I don't want to betray her trust."
That seemed to placate Leliana a little. She let out a frustrated sigh. "No wonder Elissa's been acting so insane lately. She must feel so alone… so perfectly friendless, the poor dear!"
Solona wasn't so sure. "Hey, look, I could be wrong... I don't know for sure that she thinks that. This is Elissa we're talking about here—she doesn't strike me as the crazy jealous type. Don't… don't leap to conclusions."
Leliana's gaze narrowed as she returned it to Solona's. "Oh, right. I wouldn't want to do that. That is apparently your job."
The guilt from all of her recent foibles was starting to feel overwhelming. Fuck. Shit. Damn. "Shit, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, alright? Look, I'll talk to her—"
Leliana's short red hair swished back and forth from how hard she shook her head. "No. She needs to hear it from me. I'll talk to her." Her face softened and she spoke quietly, almost to herself. "I should've paid more attention. Maybe I can talk some sense into her." Taking a deep breath, she got to her feet and turned to go, before pausing and glancing down at Solona. "You go talk to Alistair and straighten this out. He could probably use a tougher hand right now anyway." Her gaze hardened and she added, "You and I will discuss your assumptions about me later."
The tent flaps closed with a whisper of fabric and then Leliana was gone and Solona was left sitting there gaping. "What the fuck am I supposed to say to him?" she asked, to no one in particular.
She supposed she could just… yell at him a bit. Actually, now that she thought of it, telling the ex-Templar to get his head out of his ass sounded like the perfect activity for her right about now.
Exiting the tent with her heart in her throat, she looked around for the the ex-Templar whose presence in her life had caused her so much trouble. It wasn't fair to take out her frustrations with herself upon him… but you know what? Life was rather spectacularly fucking unfair for her, so what the fuck did she care?
At first, she marched around the campsite looking for him, not having any idea at all what she might say. As the minutes went on, though, it came to her that Leliana was expecting her to not just do something, but also to somehow fix all this.
Just yelling at Alistair might not be the best tactic.
At last she found him. The sun hadn't set yet, and he was a couple hundred feet from camp, hacking at a tree for firewood. He had his shirt off and his naked chest was slick with sweat from working in the hot and humid forest. She supposed it was an impressive sight for someone into that kind of thing. It brought to her mind the time he'd walked back into camp from a bath, naked from the waist up. Poor Elissa had been so hot and bothered she'd knocked over a half-dozen potions at the sight of him, Solona remembered with a chuckle. She and Leliana had giggled behind their hands at that…
Leliana had gazed with some appreciation, too, Solona recalled with a familiar pang of jealousy. But then she was brought up short by the thought-in spite of everything else, she had learned an encouraging fact: Alistair and Leliana were just friends. Her worry that Leliana had fallen for Alistair had been a stupid paranoid invention brought on by not just Elissa's jealousy, but her own. But it wasn't true.
A slow smile spread over her face as the truth of that statement sunk in at last. At least I'll die in a good mood, she thought, as she walked up behind Alistair. No matter how much trouble she was in, that one simple buoyant fact kept her moving forward.
There's nothing going on with Alistair and Leliana.
She cleared her throat. "Hey, Golden Boy, listen up. We need to talk."
