Ch 50- Fall On Your Knees
December 24th, 1971
9 AM
"Are ya sure? It's Christmas." Jude spat, nervously twisting the phone cord in her hands as she sniffled. "How am I supposed ta tell them that? Huh? Huh!"
Lyla watched her mother carefully from the doorway of her bedroom where she stood with a bucket of blocks she'd been carrying around the house all day. She'd been babbling quietly to herself until her mother's conversation caught her ear, now she just stood and listened knowing it was important.
"No, no ya come here and ya tell my children that." She demanded, her tone growing more aggressive by the second.
Baby Lyla merely stared now, wondering why her mother was so angry. She wasn't used to it and it shook her to the core. Even so, anyone who'd known Sister Jude rather than Mrs. Howard would've thought she was having a very good day.
"Right?" Jude laughed. "Ya miserable sack of shit! Ya tell my children they won't see their fatah far Christmas, come up here and tell them, I dare ya, tell em. No I don't wanna hear that yar workin' hard. I don't wanna hear that it's because of this or because of that… well MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO!" She screamed, slamming down the phone.
"Waaaaa-ahhhh!" Lyla sobbed. She flinched, her tiny heart beginning to race when her mother slammed the phone suddenly, placing her face in her hand.
"Oh Lyla!" Jude yelled, annoyed by the crying.
"Bwaaaaaa!" Lyla continued to sob. Her mother had never been angry with her before and she didn't know how to feel about it.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry my love." She soothed, going to pick her up and beginning to cry. "Mommy's sorry she just doesn't know what ta do anymore." She confessed, rocking her in her arms.
So far he'd missed three months: Halloween, Thanksgiving, one of the children's birthdays. And now Christmas. How could he miss Christmas?
"Lyla Howard, mommy's lost." Jude confessed, swallowing her tears as she tucked the toddler's hair behind her ears. Jude paused a beat, biting her lip. It hurt to admit it but she had to say it to someone. "She's lost without yar daddy here. She needs him and she can feel he needs her too."
Jude stopped herself, deciding she dare not voice the real fear that hung heavy on her heart. Timothy had brought her here, forgotten and half dead what seemed like a lifetime ago now. Together they'd made a new beginning, one she'd only dreamed of all her life before it. For all that time it'd seemed like a dream, like something that couldn't have even been wished upon her or bestowed upon her by mightiest of miracles. Now Jude worried it was time to pick herself up from the haze and move on from the pieces of the shattered dream once shared with a twin heart.
Jude sniffled, unable to even think of it and buried her face in the crook of her toddler's neck. Calmly, she walked into her room and dropped to her knees, hanging her head low and hugging the child tight. Jude cried, remaining silent as she felt the girl's tiny fingers comb gently through the back of her hair in comfort. She swallowed hard, feeling her heart drop as she moved to speak, but couldn't bring herself to. She couldn't say it, the fear that ate at her. She couldn't voice it to herself or confess it to her God, or even lay it out on her heart. More than anything, she as afraid to look back at all the shattered pieces for fear she'd see nothing but false hope and disillusion staring back at her. Maybe this wonderful life, with this wonderful man had never been anything at all.
"Oh my Lord, I come ta you, Lyla and I on our knees."
…..
9:15 AM
"Don't do it. Oh Timothy don't do it."
Timothy and Mary Eunice sat near silence, facing each other as they waited for the phone to ring. Today marked a second day of waiting and each second that passed without answers made them more nervous than the last. The hotel room was dark, shadows from the clouds that passed quickly overhead as sheets of rain poured outside seemed to reflect on every corner of the room, what light it gave appropriately casting its self on the telephone.
"That phone's not going to ring." Arden remarked dismissively, his tone almost mocking.
"Timothy please!" Mary cried, reaching out to take his hand.
Timothy stared back as he took her hand and squeezed it tight. The pain and terror he felt reflected in his eyes.
"I wish it were that simple Mary."
"Oh but it is: don't fall on your sword for me!"
The phone did not ring and it would not, for neither of them knew the deal that was about to be made.
…
11AM
It had been a long time since Lana had learned that there was a fine line between boldness of spirit and reckless self-endangerment.
"This can't be worse than Briarcliff." She sighed taking a puff of her cigarette.
Umbrella in hand she leaned against her car, staring up at St. Ursula's Home For Lost Children. The place was more intimidating than she could've guessed and she couldn't believe her son had spend the last six years of his life there. After a year of trying she'd done it: she'd found him, and moreover, obtained the court order to pick him up. Lana paced back and forth, her heart picking up pace as she considered what she was about to do.
Having her son back felt right, but she still didn't know if she could stand seeing Thredson in him. Kit had urged her, assured her that it was time, that whoever this boy was, he wasn't just the spawn of Bloodyface, but also the offspring of the fearless reporter.
'I love the you in him.' Came a voice. She stared straight ahead, swallowing her tears, urging the voice to leave her once and for all.
"No don't. Don't say anything." Lana paused the pain of hearing Wendy speak was much too much especially right then.
"You know you have to do it Lana." Oliver spat. Lana jumped, her heart beating out of her chest when Oliver appeared to her. He stood in front of her, a cigarette of his own in hand, seeming to block her way to the entrance of the orphanage. She froze, her pulse rising rapidly as he continued. "We may've both done bad things. But this is how you make it right. This is how it ends." He raised his eyebrow, flashing a grin at her that made chills go up her spine. She couldn't stand that grin.
Lana swallowed hard. She never spoke to it, she knew better than that. For a moment in time she considered Oliver's words as a deterrent. Perhaps, his input was a sign that she should leave things as they were. But then again, he had a point: in some way they had both done the wrong thing before. The boy, Johnny his name was, was his fault but her responsibility, a consequence of his action, her pain, her shame and somehow her reward too. Lana pushed passed both the ghosts that haunted her, straightened her coat and with a teddy bear in hand (one that could never make up for the time lost) jaunted up the steps to the orphanage.
…
11:30 AM
"I've never been so scared in my whole life." Mary confided, gripping the older nun's shoulders.
Mother Claudia had come to town and snuck Mary Eunice out of her hotel early that morning and taken her to breakfast before they'd gone to a quiet church nearby to pray together. Mary Eunice had been through so much in her life. Mother Claudia didn't realize that she (and even Jude) didn't know the half of it, and could not even begin to fathom the depth of Mary's despair. Mary Eunice's story would be something that her son would uncover several years in the future, and its truth would rock them all to the core. Claudia wiped the former nun's tears with her fingers.
"I-if I have to go, it'll drive me crazy." She voiced her deepest fear. "Mother it's going to remind me too much of Briarcliff."
"Oh my child." Claudia smiled, taking Mary's chin in hand. "You are strong. You are so strong and a survivor. Everything you've been through should tell you that."
"I-I know." She sniffled. "You survived possession, you gave birth to a wonderful boy. You've beaten the odds. You're no longer that little nun who cried at the drop of a hat." Mary laughed through her tears. "And best of all, you've maintained your sweetness and your heart what a precious gift is that."
"I don't know what good it's done me."
"Mary Eunice." Claudia took her hands. "It means everything for your survival and your future to stay open and kind. To let God work in you it's the only way to have a future."
"If I have one." She cautioned.
"Mary Eunice McKee. Just remember if Jude can have such a bright future anyone can."
…
Noon
"Ha!" Jude woke from her nap with a start, Lyla sat on top of her giggling a mile a minute, truly oblivious to her mother's pain.
Jude's heart pounded fiercely at the sight of the child, the giggling girl being a shocking departure from where her mind had just been. Jude had had a graphic, lurid sexual dream about Timothy. She missed her husband and longed for him, emotionally and physically, in a way that was becoming too much for her. Having to part in death would've been one thing, but being forced apart in life was an irony too cruel for Jude to accept. She was too in love to be anything but crushed by his absence and found herself deeply worried she couldn't be the mother her children needed. Jude sighed taking her happy toddler in her arms, just grateful she had a piece of him to hold onto in his children. No matter what happened, their very being made the dream Jude had shared with her husband unbreakable.
"Chwistmas mommy." Lyla said.
The older children were greatly distressed by their mother's pain. They had continued to grow confused and started to feel abandoned. Even so, Alex and Emma were in the living room trying to put together a Christmas and carry on without their mother's help, something she felt deeply shamed by. Jude didn't realize that the children only prepared for Christmas for the same reason she'd started drinking several months ago. It was the only way they knew how to carry on in the midst of the most painful disillusionment their young souls had ever faced. The brother and sister could only move on or break down completely, something they knew their mother could not handle. Jude didn't know it, but for a second time in her life someone was trying to hold the world up for her.
"Not quite yet Lyla." Jude was surprised when she found herself giggling a bit.
The child's word reminded her of her responsibility to the kids. Daddy or not and Mary or not, Christmas had to go on somehow. Jude rose to her feet; with strength she didn't have and made her way into the kitchen to bake, deciding that somehow, she'd put on a show for the kids.
…
Noon
Timothy sat alone in the hotel, wondering and praying about what to do. He'd gone out by himself when Claudia had come to collect Mary and wandered about the city for a while.
'I could go home.' He said to himself, wondering what he was doing there heartsick and clueless on what could be his last Christmas Eve as a free man. 'If I'm going to jail what difference would it make anyway?'
But something held him there, chained to a phone that did not ring, eagerly awaiting a call that would determine his fate and that of his family. Family had never been his dream. A wife and children (and Mary… whatever she was) had not been on the agenda but over the last few years, it'd become the only dream he could've ever wanted. Now on this Christmas Eve, the holiest of nights he sat wondering whether it was all about to be taken away.
Timothy swallowed hard, staring back at the phone, feeling a bit as if he were placing his faith on it and the news it would bring. In an instant, he realized it was a lot like becoming Pope. He'd spent all of this time waiting on this person's word, or the approval of a diocese or council. Timothy hadn't known all that time that he'd really been waiting on God not man, and for the love not power.
Without even taking a breath, Timothy got off the bed and dropped to his knees, a sign of surrender that had only been superficial when he'd been a priest. But now he meant to humble himself.
"Oh Lord, do what you feel is just." Suddenly, the phone began to ring.
…
Noon
It'd been many years since Dr. Arden had found himself in a house of worship. He didn't really even know why he was there, except to say he needed the quiet. He went there to think, not to pray but in some way he felt that the reverent tone of the place had affected him. Not to say that he was transformed or ever would be. But for once the weight of the situation, and the fate of others pressed upon him.
"One phone call." He uttered, he knew not to whom.
One phone call was all it would take for Timothy and Mary Eunice to earn their freedom. They'd been anxiously awaiting it for days, wondering why it hadn't come. What they didn't realize was that that one call hinged completely on Dr. Arden, the last man on earth who you'd want to be the keeper of your fate. For everything that Timothy and Mary had done on their own accords, he was the ultimate sinner in the situation because he was their enabler.
Timothy had jumped at their deal with his own power in mind, but Arden held the truth in his hands. He'd lied to the priest and later blackmailed him. Timothy had not gone into the deal knowing that he was making it with a Nazi war criminal nor had he known the grizzly things that he had planned. Timothy had been selfish, irresponsible and for a time immoral but not truly evil. Arden sat in the church pew, weighing the former priest's fate. He truthfully didn't care of Timothy hung for all of this: for wrongdoings at Briarcliff, for polygamy, for everything. But the little boy he loved as his own plagued his conscious. How could he go and leave him fatherless for a third time in his life when he could deliver his father on Christmas night? Still, something in Arden's soul had revenge in mind. He wanted revenge against Timothy and Jude for everything they'd kept from him, for all the opposition to his work and he didn't particularly care what the cost was to their happy little family, the boy he loved included.
'It would be quite convenient.' He thought. This was his chance, to separate Alex and his true father, just as he'd always sought to from the day the child was born.
But then there was his Mary Eunice. Part of him still took joy in hurting the former monsignor, but he couldn't help feel shame to where he'd brought the innocent young nun. Looking back, he'd fed the evil she'd become, using it to his own advantage without knowing the consequences it would bring, much as Timothy had done with him. The whole thing was too ironic, and the realization that he was ashamed and hurt by the fact that Mary Eunice could end up in prison for years was too much for him to bear.
Dr. Arden, you see had been offered a deal and had much to consider. He and Timothy had gone into this trial as unwitting partners and now he found himself alone, and helpless in a house of worship, pondering the consequences of right and wrong for maybe the second time in his long, pitiful life. It was something entirely foreign to him, he didn't like the way it bent his mind or his heart. More than anything, he hated how it caused him to consider others before himself.
Timothy and Mary knew nothing of the new deal that had been presented to the wanted war criminal. Right now, he had two choices: take his guilty verdict, along with Timothy and Mary and they would all serve time for mismanagement, and various other charges at Briarcliff (Timothy's polygamy charges had been dropped, although he didn't know that yet) … or, if he pled guilty to war crimes, to murder, and to crimes against humanity, something that would put him in prison for the rest of his life, Timothy and Mary could go free.
Arden had never before faced anything that clouded his judgment or his emotional state in this way and wasn't sure what move to make. He looked up at the massive cross before him, realizing that he had a deadline to make and swallowed hard, turning to the back of the church.
'I suppose every man has a time for reckoning, self-appointed or not.' He sighed, getting up and making his way to the confessional.
…
12:15
"Hello." Lana swallowed hard, getting down on her knees. Her voice cracked and she started to shake as the little boy stepped nervously into the light, pushed by the unkind hands of the social worker who'd raised him in her place.
He said nothing in reply but shook with equal measure, looking back at the woman who'd abandoned him long ago. Lana felt tears sting her eyes, her heart flooding with shame when she saw him. She was surprised by his timid nature and everything else she saw in little Johnny Morgan. All this time, she'd expected to see the face that haunted her in her dreams and instead she saw so much of herself staring back and a dash of the Oliver who'd once tried to save her.
The little boy flinched as Lana brought herself to reach up and touch him, gently sweeping the chestnut brown hair out of his eyes. The six-year-old's heart picked up rapidly at her touch. He found himself wanting to run, but at once entranced by her smile and the kindness in his eyes, which were somehow more familiar to him than anything, he'd ever seen. He stared back at her, his body rigid, his heart beating fast in his throat as he took the bear she gave him and hugged it tight.
"My name's Lana." She said calmly. "It's so wonderful to meet you. Did they tell you, you were coming home with me? To start a new life?"
"You're the one." He whispered, causing Lana to jump with disbelief.
'You're the one Lana, the one to tell my story and his.' She heard Oliver's voice echo.
"I-I'm the what?" She asked, thinking she might pass out.
She shivered as Johnny reached out, cupping her cheek in his tiny hand and taking a step closer, looking up into her eyes. She swallowed hard; surprised to find that she wasn't alarmed by his touch, instead she found it familiar, warm and loving like the oldest and best of memories.
Johnny stepped in even closer, pausing a beat as he grabbed both cheeks with his hands. "I've been waiting for you mom."
…...
6:15
Jude's heart hung heavy again after hours in the kitchen with the kids, trying to feign holiday joy. She knew deep inside that something was very wrong, and worse that something had changed. It was a powerful sensation she couldn't shake and she was overwhelmed, but something inside calmed her, telling her that she should feel at peace and at once drawing her to her knees and bringing a prayer out of her heart. She leaned against Timothy's side of the bed, clutching his blanket as if it were a rosary and hoping for an answer.
"Whatever may come." She whispered. "Whatever may come I am ready."
The children were nervous and knew their mother had been praying almost endlessly. They didn't know what to think, or what to pray but they did so silently. The three sat together in the living room working on Christmas crafts, something for mommy, for daddy and of course for Mary Eunice.
It would be a lonely Christmas for the Howard siblings: two of their parents gone, one of them absorbed in sorrow, no grandmother Claudia and no Dr. Arden. The three worked in doubt, little hope left in their hearts, wondering if it all was all for not. They sensed something bigger at work, knowing they didn't and couldn't comprehend the extent of Jude's anguish or even the risks their family faced. All they knew was that their world was in the deepest disarray they could've ever known.
Lyla knew she was confused. Emma ached deep in the pit of her stomach and missed her daddy with every waking thought. She wanted to confess that she missed him so much she hurt, but knew she shouldn't dare say it. And then there was Alex, who despite the love received from his stepmother and sisters, felt so unbearably alone that he was nearly numb. It was too much, even for a little boy who'd been through so much. When his parents had missed his birthday, he'd started considering himself an orphan and had recently come to the realization (given his peculiar birth) that perhaps he should've never existed.
"I love you Alex." Emma whispered, watching tears trickle down her brother's face as he opened the can of glue. "You'll never be alone as long as you have me." She said, causing him to look up slowly.
Emma could sense his feelings and knew, even though she was just five, that she'd feel lost without him. She couldn't put it to words because she was far too tiny, but felt she and her brother had been intended to be a pair.
"I love you sister." He nodded quietly, not looking back at her.
The kids jumped, looking up when they heard something at the door. The three began to shake and huddled together fearing the loud noise. Alex and Emma wanted to scream for Jude, but knew better than to yell out, not wanting to draw attention to whatever might be waiting outside. The children feared that Jenny had come back for them after all these weeks and had revenge in mind. Emma clutched her brother's arm as the door creaked open and a tall, familiar figure stepped in from the cold, brushing the snow off of his shoulders.
"Daddy!" Alex and Emma squealed, running at their father full force with their arms wide open. Lyla followed them, giggling a mile a minute. Timothy dropped to his knees, letting his bag fall off of his shoulder and quickly took his kids in his arms.
"Oh Alex, Emma, Lyla! Oh my children!" Timothy began to cry. He held them tightly and kissed each one of them over and over again as they grabbed ahold of him. He laughed and cried at once. "Oh my precious children. My children." He cried, barely believing he was holding them after the worst three months of his life.
He didn't know who to turn to first, or what to say other than that his three beautiful children were his very heart and the saving grace of his soul.
"Timothy!" Jude gasped, her heart nearly stopping as she stepped into the living room and saw him kneeling there, their children in his arms. He stood at once when he saw her, his eyes sparkling.
She'd heard all the commotion but never could've believed it was really him. She started crying and raised her hands to cover her mouth as it dropped open in shock, realizing that the long wait was over.
"Oh Timothy!" She cried out through her tears, and rushed into his embrace.
"Jude! Oh my Jude!" He eagerly took her in his arms, the children still mostly in his embrace, hugging him so tight he thought they might never let go of one another. Alex as on his back, holding onto him by his neck and the girls clung to his legs. Jude greeted her husband lips first as he managed to take her in his already full embrace. Cupping her cheeks in his hands, he responded in kind, kissing her deeply as he cried.
"Timothy, oh my Timothy ya're here!" She gasped as she sobbed, barely able to believe he was there with them. "Oh are ya really here?" She asked, taking his face in her hands too.
"Yes my love I'm here, I'm really here!" He laughed as he leaned into kiss her again, unable to bear breaking their lip lock.
Timothy sunk into her kiss, unable to believe he'd forgotten just how good it felt, or that in some way, he'd never felt more loved anywhere in the world than in her embrace. Jude couldn't believe it, and kissed him back forcefully, pressing the bounds of their embrace and wanting to ensure that he wasn't just a dream, or worse, an illusion shattered to bits.
"I've missed ya so much. I couldn't live without ya." She whispered through their kiss.
Jude felt blessed, almost endowed with a gift and tilted her head as her husband kissed her. Alex rested his chin on his father's shoulder and shut his eyes. The girls sighed, contented as their parents continued to kiss. Somehow all felt right with the world and in that moment, even Alex forgot that his mother was still unaccounted for.
"You have no idea how much I missed you my Jude." Timothy almost shook as he broke their kiss, her face remaining in his hands. He wouldn't let it go and held it there, cradling her cheeks as if they were the most delicate thing in the world. "I've done all of this for you my rare bird. Not just the trial, or our life together. But you've been my always." He admitted. She said nothing, tilting her head perplexed at his apparent omission. "Remember when I asked you to go to Pittsburg? It wasn't to save me, but to save you, to spare you from all the wrong doing all around us because I loved you, head over heels even then as I love you now. And I've always loved you, even before I ever knew it."
She laughed through her tears, looking back in his eyes with all the warmth and love she could muster. His words touched her heart deeply, confirming that everything she'd felt for him for so long had been so much more than a far off hope, and would never be a shattered dream.
"I'm so glad I didn't go ta Pittsburg." She whispered, not wasting another second before beginning to kiss him again.
After a few more minutes of embracing his family, Jude kissed her husband's nose and took the girls to help her start dinner and otherwise get him settled in, leaving father and son alone. Timothy was about to embrace Alex when the boy realized something was missing. Timothy's heart sunk.
"Where's my mommy?' Alex peered anxiously at the door.
He'd been so relieved at his father's return and his sudden realization about his mother's whereabouts made his whole soul sink. He loved his dad, but panic set in at the idea of continued separation from his mother. Before he'd felt alone and now somehow he felt cold, not understanding his subconscious recollections of St. Ursula's and the hellish separation from his mother he'd faced as a toddler.
"Son. Come here." Timothy got on his knees again and pulled Alex into his arms. "She's still in Boston, she's alright." He kissed his son's cheek. "She told me to kiss you, and to hold you in my arms and tell you she loves you more than anything."
Alex looked down, a tear rolling down his cheek. "When she's coming home?" He asked, holding back sobs.
"I to love you more than anything my son."
Timothy held the boy tightly as he looked back at the door. It hurt so much to have to disappoint his son with uncertain news and moreover, he didn't know how he could be free if Mary was not. Her call, you see, had never come.
"Mommy says Merry Christmas and she sent a present for you, but, I do not know when she will be back son."
…
December 25th, 1971 12AM
"Ha!" Mary Eunice cried, sitting up straight, quickly searching her surroundings for the monster that lurked in the depth of her mind. Surly it was real and waiting in the black of the night to snatch her away.
At this point she was half asleep, her dream undistinguishable from reality. Her heart pounded so hard she could hear it thundering in her ears. She tried to catch her breath, her chest tightening and her eyes adjusting slowly as she peered into the darkness. She steadied herself, managing to take a sharp, labored breath as she ran her fingers through her sweat soaked hair. Slowly she realized that the monster in question, a longtime enemy and known vestige of her time spent in Briarcliff, was tucked safely away in her dream and was not lurking in the shadows before her. She took another breath, trying to calm herself from her horrible, reoccurring nightmare, one where a minion of hell reached out with its enormous tentacles to swoop her into the depth of a dark unknown space that sung to her in the most eerily familiar of ways. She feared it with all her might and found it evil, and still something inside, a part that had once been possessed longed to remain in harmony with it.
Mary got out of bed and stumbled in the dark, finding herself on her knees at the edge of the bed.
"When will it all end?" She asked aloud. She looked over at the clock, watching as it struck midnight. How could she be all alone and haunted on Christmas?
Mary closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the bed, jumping when the phone began to ring.
