Holy CRAPMONKEYS, people, fifty chapters! Talk about turning into an epic saga! Much love to all my reviewers–Answerthecall, TwipieAppledashRarshy (definitely not the end, there are too many loose threads hanging around and I've gotta get busy tying them), Lunessa Mysteria, KayleeChiara (welcome to my madness!), MaddySan5926, Teddy Bear 007, Bee4ever, Muirgen79 (c'mon, would I unleash pit over my characters? Would I do that? *innocent face*), and a very lovely Guest too. Thanks to ALL OF YOU for all your wonderful support and reviews! This would seriously have stopped around chapter 10 without your reviews. MWAH!
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When the door closed behind the two of them, Optimus found the stretcher's controls and raised the head of the bed so he could sit up, then pulled Alias fully into his lap. She curled up against him with her arms around his waist, and he held her close with such a surge of joy and relief that he felt light-headed with it. "Are you all right?" he asked her, resting his cheek on top of her head and rubbing her back.
She started to nod, but then she shook her head instead and squeezed him harder. Optimus felt her start to tremble and he cupped her cheek in one hand. "Hey. Look at me," he murmured, but even with his urging, it was a long moment before she did so. Those bright green eyes gave him pause, but now that he was expecting them, he had to admit that they were a beautiful color. Besides, it didn't matter what she looked like. This was his Anna. Even if everything in him hadn't immediately recognized her, no one else could've known what she'd told him–he hadn't even told Ratchet about the details of that conversation. "Talk to me."
She was silent for a long time, her trembling continuing unabated, before she finally spoke in the barest of whispers. "We did it–we won. It's supposed to be over now. Why am I still so scared?" she breathed, and the fear in her voice absolutely destroyed him.
He put his forehead against hers and held her tight, stroking her face and wishing he knew what to say to make it better, but words were pitifully inadequate for what she'd just gone through. "Everything you've ever known was just taken from you," he said softly, and he felt humbled by the full weight of the sacrifice she'd made. "I wish I could give it all back."
She closed her eyes again and leaned into him. "No one took anything, Optimus," she whispered. "The Matrix, whatever it did to me, it didn't take. It gave me a choice, and I chose you."
I chose you. Had there ever been any words in the history of the universe more powerful than those?
He rocked her in his arms, feeling like his spark would burst from his chest with the intensity of his emotions. "I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that you never regret it, not for a single instant," he swore. "I once told you that I would do impossible things for you, but you're the one who's done the impossible. I'm going to dedicate my life to making you glad you did."
She closed her eyes and tucked her head beneath his chin as if trying to hide from everything. "I felt it. I felt it when my body died–it was like being ripped in half," she whispered, and he wrapped himself around her as though his arms could shield her from that awful memory.
"Shh, Anna, shh," Optimus said, aching for her. "It's over now. You're safe. You don't have to talk about it now. It's over."
But surprisingly, she kept speaking. "No, I want to tell you. I need to tell you what happened so you can tell me what it means, and I want to do it before I forget."
He never could deny her anything even before this. And now? If she wanted the Earth, he would give it to her. As little as he wanted to remember the desperate fight they'd waged for her life, if she wanted to talk about it, they would talk about it. "Tell me, then."
She reached up and caught one of his hands, lacing their fingers together and holding tight as if for strength. "Optimus, when I died, I didn't come to Alias. I went… I went somewhere else."
He frowned even though she couldn't see the expression. "What do you mean?" he asked gently. "Where did you go?"
She shook her head helplessly. "I don't know. It was… all I could see was light, everywhere this brilliant blue-white light and nothing else–no sound, nothing but light. I actually thought it was such a cliché, the famous go toward the light death scene, just like in the movies–I remember thinking what a stupid way for my life to end. It felt like I was there for a long time before I realized that I wasn't alone–I sensed someone was just behind me, but when I looked, I didn't see anyone. But I still knew someone was there in the light with me, and I knew that they weren't there to hurt me. They were just… just waiting, maybe like a guide? But they didn't send me one way or the other. They just… they were just there," she repeated, sounding frustrated by her inability to properly explain.
Optimus had to make an effort not to react as she struggled to find the right words to describe something indescribable. "What happened then?"
"There was… oh, it's hard to explain," she groaned, shaking her head a little. "I was given a choice, but I can't tell you who offered it or how I even knew, because there were never any words. I looked one way and saw… well, I don't clearly remember what I saw, but I do remember how it felt. It felt peaceful, and restful, and… and welcoming, like I'd never be alone… it was enticing, and I wanted…" Her voice trailed away, but only for a moment. Then she finally looked up at him again. "And the other way, I sensed pain, and struggle, and uncertainty, and everything the peaceful place wasn't. I didn't even want to look that way, but for some reason I did."
He caressed her fingers with his thumb. "Do you remember what you saw?"
She nodded. "You."
His arm tightened involuntarily around her. "You saw me?" he whispered, awed by what she was describing.
She nodded again, and even though her eyes were still troubled, she actually smiled a little as she reached up and touched his face. "As clearly as I'm seeing you right now, and as soon as I did, the only thing I could think of was how much I love you and how badly I wanted to stay with you. And that fast, I chose–I don't even remember thinking about it. I reached for you and as soon as I did, there was this vast feeling of… oh, I don't know how to describe it, like approval, but deeper. Like whatever I'd chosen would've been all right, but deciding to go back to you made that guide happy." She sighed and took his hand again, then rested her forehead against his shoulder once more. "The next thing I remember is more pain than I've ever felt in my life and fighting to breathe. Was that real, Optimus? Did it really happen, or did I hallucinate all of it because my mind couldn't handle what was happening?"
Optimus gripped the Matrix tighter. "Yes, Anna, I think that was real," he whispered, almost overwhelmed by wonder. "And I think your guide was Primus. He is our light-bringer and life-giver. I think–I believe–he was with you."
"How do you know?" she asked, looking plaintively up at him again. "How do you know?"
He held her striking green gaze. "Because I've been there. You just perfectly described what it's like to become one with the All-Spark." And he could hardly believe that she'd rejected the perfect peace of that heavenly plane to return to him–he had certainly never come back voluntarily. "I know you don't believe in gods, but you just met ours, and I think your eyes changed as a mark of his favor."
She stared at him for a long moment. Then she traced a fingertip along the line of his jaw. "I don't think I'm the one who has his favor, big guy. That all-consuming love I felt when I saw you," she whispered, those bright green eyes holding his, "I don't think it was all mine. If that was Primus, he really wants you to be happy."
Optimus finally returned the Matrix to his chest and felt the warmth of its energy flow through him once more. He remembered his desperate prayer back in the common room and knew that he couldn't have been more decisively answered. "He gave me back my sparkmate," Optimus said, holding her as close as they could get. "Nothing could make me happier than waking up and hearing your voice."
Alias was quiet after that. Optimus stroked her back, her arm, her face, every part of her that he could reach, just reassuring himself that she was real and alive and here with him. When she spoke again some time later, it didn't disturb the mood. "How do you feel about them knocking you out?" she asked, and he hmmed softly.
"I haven't decided yet," he said, considering it for the first time. "I'm not sorry to have missed out on all those hours of worrying about you without being able to do anything but wait, but it isn't a very good precedent to set–if you think the Prime's going to be upset, just sedate him until you're ready to deal with it? No, I can't imagine that leading anywhere I want to go."
She shook her head. "Don't hold it against them too much, if you can. I'm sure they only did it because they were worried about what you'd do if this didn't work. I can't believe they were motivated by some kind of power-grab. You just saw how eager Ironhide was to stop being the acting Prime–I think he would've thrown the Matrix at you if you hadn't taken it back, and Ratchet might've thought he was hiding it, but he was worried as hell and it definitely wasn't all for me. I thought he might actually faint with relief when I woke up."
"Hmm," he mused again. He supposed he couldn't blame them for being afraid of what he'd do if Anna had died–he didn't know what he would've done, and he was just grateful that none of them had been forced to find out. "True. I suppose I could let it slide, just once. But I will make it clear that they are not to do this again. This is the definition of a unique circumstance."
"Yes. Definitely," she agreed fervently. "I love you, Optimus, and I'll do anything for you, but I hope like hell that I never have to do that again."
"You won't, ever," he promised. "Ever."
For a long time, they just held each other in silence. Alias slowly stopped trembling as the minutes passed in silence and he caressed her back, simply soaking in the joy of knowing that they'd won this battle and nothing would separate them again. Then suddenly she looked up at him, smiling with a glint of mischief in her eyes. "What are you thinking about?" he asked, but he was already smiling back because he couldn't help it. If she was happy, he was happy. It didn't matter why.
She traced his lips, feather-light. "I know what we'd do now if we were human, but I don't know what Transformers do. Are you finally going to tell me how sparkmates show affection?"
Optimus chuckled. "Am I not showing you affection right now?"
"You know what I mean," she said, thumping a fist against his shoulder. "I've wanted to know for years now and there's absolutely nothing on Teletraan about it. It's not fair–the internet is full of the human version so I'm sure you had no trouble finding out what we do, and I still have no clue what you do!"
He laughed softly and carefully ignored the veiled question about whether or not he'd researched human sexuality. "Yes, Anna, have no fear. I'm going to satisfy your curiosity," he said, but when she looked up eagerly, he grinned and added, "But only when there is ample time for me to do so properly, not when we're anticipating a knock on the door at any moment."
She scowled at him. "Now you're just being mean."
"Maybe I'm savoring your anticipation," Optimus replied, but she shook her head.
"No, you're savoring being mean," she said, crossing her arms over her chest when he laughed. Then she gave him a sour look. "And when are you going to start calling me Alias?"
He didn't bother letting her go just because she was glaring at him. "I'll call you anything you like when we're in public, but when it's just us, you're my Anna," he told her softly. "You always have been and you always will be."
She glared at him for a moment, then rolled her eyes and hugged him again. "Don't even pretend that you don't say things like that to make it impossible for me to stay angry at you," she grumbled, but she cuddled closer.
Optimus laughed again. He couldn't resist teasing her even though he knew he was probably pushing his luck by doing so. "I will immediately begin compiling a database of things that make it impossible for you to stay angry with me," he said, nodding with his most serious expression. "That sounds like the kind of thing that could be very useful. First entry, refusing to call you by the name you chose."
She hit his shoulder again but couldn't stop herself from snorting. "You are aggravating and completely ridiculous," she accused, but her long-suffering sigh was spoiled by a giggle.
"Second entry, being completely ridiculous," he said solemnly just to make her laugh some more. Then he hummed thoughtfully. "Do you think being aggravating goes with that one, or should it be the third entry on the list?"
Alias shook her head at him. "Someone's archivist roots are showing," she said dryly.
"What can I say, lists make me happy. Data lined up in neat little rows appeals to my OCD side," he admitted cheerfully, and she rolled her eyes.
"You're silly. How come none of your Autobots seem to know that you're this silly?"
He pretended to be offended. "I think you're delusional. Primes are never silly. They're very serious, young lady, very serious indeed." She was trying hard not to laugh now and he thought he could never get enough of seeing that expression on her face. "Fourth entry, being completely serious at all times," he added in his sternest voice, and she lost it. Her laughter warmed him all the way through his spark and he cupped her face in both hands and savored the sight of her happiness. "I love you, my Anna, my amazing, brilliant, incredible, beautiful sparkmate."
"I love you, my Optimus," she murmured, giving up on her pretense of anger and holding him close again, and if any words could rival I chose you, it had to be those. Then she pulled back and asked, "That makes me think of something. You were Orion Pax before you were Optimus Prime. Do you want me to call you that when we're alone, like you call me Anna?"
Optimus considered that for a moment. "You know, I've honestly never thought about it," he said truthfully. Then he finally shook his head. "It's been so long since anyone's called me Orion Pax that I'm not sure I'd even realize you were talking to me if you did, and besides, I've always been Optimus to you. Mostly I don't care what you call me as long as you call me yours."
"Oh, that's a given. Even when you're being completely ridiculous. And aggravating. You're definitely aggravating enough to warrant a separate entry," she added, and he grinned.
Unfortunately, that knock he'd been dreading came before he could tease her any more. "The one impossible thing I don't seem to be able to accomplish for you is having much time alone," he sighed. "I'll work on that, I promise."
Alias stroked her thumbs over his cheeks and nodded. "I understand. That's what I get for falling in love with a Prime. Besides, running the Autobots is a bit more important than cuddling with me."
"I don't think I agree with that," he grumbled, but he finally released her and stood up. He caught her hand before she could step away, though. "Stay with me. I'm going to do everything in my power to head off this stupid war as fast as possible so we can–"
She stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait, did you say war?" she demanded, gaping at him. "That thing you told me was less important than me unlocking my stupid computer was you trying to prevent a freaking war?" Optimus hesitated, trying to think of an answer that would defuse this before it became an argument, but apparently his hesitation was all the confirmation she needed because she covered her face with one hand and groaned. "Optimus, your priorities are insane. And don't put that on your list, either, because this kind of insane isn't charming!"
"Anna, I couldn't tell you," Optimus said, and that was clearly the wrong thing to say because she went from shocked to furious in the space of a second.
"Don't give me that," she said angrily. "You could tell me. You chose not to and that's not the same thing. After you've made such a point about us not keeping secrets from each other, why would you keep something so important from me?"
He sighed. "How do you feel right now, hearing about this?" he asked, and she looked incredulously at him.
"How do you think I feel? I'm furious with that doctor for starting this and I'm pissed off at you for lying to me, and I'm scared because you're talking about a war that's my fault!"
"This is not your fault–not even a little bit your fault–but you just exactly made my point," he told her. When she scowled and tried to pull away from him, he refused to let go of her hand. "No, listen to me, Anna. Ratchet told us all that any additional stress could have killed you. We were all trying to keep you calm. Was I supposed to tell you something that could do nothing but put your life at risk? And I didn't lie to you–dealing with that kind of thing is exactly what the Prime is for, and were our positions reversed, you would've done exactly the same thing. Be honest," he added before she could reply. "Megatron wanted you to lure me into a trap and you defied him to keep me safe, even though it would've saved you. I hate that you did that but I understand it. Now I need you to understand why I did this, even though you hate it."
Alias stared hard at him for a long moment, but Optimus didn't back down, and finally she sighed and relented. "Remember how you said that Ratchet knocking you out was the very definition of a one-time exception? I'm willing to excuse this under the same rule. One time, Optimus. Don't you ever keep something like that from me again."
Much as he wanted to leave it there, he couldn't. "I'll agree to that with one caveat. The only reason I kept this situation from you was because all it could do was make you worry and endanger your life. I'm keeping that exception, Anna. I won't do anything that could harm you, even if that means that there could be things I don't tell you."
Her eyes narrowed, but while she was clearly still angry, he could see her thinking over what he'd said. Her ability to stay rational even when she was angry was one of the many things he loved about her. Then she held up one finger. "You missed one vital word in that, Optimus–direct harm. Direct danger. I don't want your exception to turn into an end-run around you telling me when bad things are happening because you're afraid I'll worry. That situation is over and worry doesn't harm or endanger me anymore. You're the one who wanted no secrets between us and that can't apply to me all the time but only apply to you when it's convenient."
Optimus nodded immediately. "I have no problem with that," he agreed, and when the tension in her shoulders eased, he breathed a silent sigh of relief. Still, he had to make sure she understood one more thing. "This is an enormous change for me, Anna. By definition, the Prime deals with things alone. I've never had a sparkmate before and I am not used to having anyone to lean on like this. It's going to take me some time to adjust. Be patient with me."
Alias raised an eyebrow. "I'll be patient as long as you're really trying, but take this as fair warning that I will kick your ass if you're not. I don't need to know the day-to-day minutiae of every single decision you make, but if you're worried about something big, I want to know about it. You're the Prime and I would never presume to be equal to that, but I can still be there for you. Don't carry burdens by yourself when I'm here to carry them with you. You're not alone anymore," she said, and he couldn't have stopped his smile if his life depended on it.
"Does that mean that you forgive me?" he murmured, loving her so much that it almost hurt.
She chuckled and shook her head. "Of course you're not forgiven–you're on probation."
"Probation?" he echoed, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes. You take care of this situation now and I'll let you make it up to me later. Deal?"
Optimus grinned and pulled her fully into his arms. "Oh, that's definitely a deal."
