Chapter Fifty Five
Jasper
I got the feeling something was wrong and left Katie to continue the search while I made my way back to Volterra. Bella had been very restive recently but I'd put it down to the outburst she had a couple of days ago when Afton had upset her, I didn't catch what he actually said but the next minute he was flying through the air followed by the furniture from the room which all smashed to pieces with the velocity it hit the stone walls. The fact we were in a room that was mainly used for socializing meant it was full of ornaments and better quality furniture didn't help Bella to feel any better when she regained control of her temper. She was more concerned about a couple of huge crystal vases than Afton who needed time to heal.
I had tried to reassure her that what she was going through was normal but she wasn't convinced,
"Who else destroyed a room and everything in it when they got annoyed without even lifting a finger? And it wasn't the first time, what about the time I lost control and you all looked like you'd been through a mincer?"
She had me there but I did point out that the second loss of control hadn't been as severe.
After this she went very quiet and even when we hunted I got the feeling her mind was elsewhere. I'd explained that animal blood took time to get used to but that she would conquer the residual thirst eventually. I had wanted to give her the opportunity to try carnivore blood again rather than elk or deer but the number of bears and wolves around here was problematical, it was one reason I was so eager to go on the hunting trip with the newborns, if I could catch a wolf and bring it back to Volterra for Bella it might help. I also told her there was no pressure on her to stick to animals other than that she was putting on herself.
Instead, I found myself running back to the citadel more concerned for my mate than I had ever been. I guess I expected to find the place in uproar and Bella busy destroying something or someone but the place was quiet and peaceful and when I asked the guard at the door if he knew where Bella was he just shrugged,
"Haven't seen her Major but most of the others are in the courtyard listening to a lecture by some professor from the university in town. Not my kind of thing but maybe she's there. The rest of the guard are watching a screening of Gladiator, mind you I don't think Maximus Meridius would last a minute with one of us now would he?"
I'd forgotten about the lecture on Da Vinci, he was one of Aro's favourite inventors and artists and I knew the rest of the Volturi council would be there eager to hear what the professor had to say about his designs, most of which they would know more about than he did but sometimes one of these academics came up with a new theory that Aro liked to discuss.
I put my head around the door into the courtyard but there was no sign of Bella among the audience and I knew she wouldn't be watching the movie so I made my way to our suite and the closer I got the faster I went, I could feel her agony hitting me in waves but I had no idea what had happened
When I opened the door I saw her curled up in a ball against the far wall like a small child in distress and I could smell the scent of fresh blood on her, human blood! Joining her I went down on my knees and opened my arms but she shrank away,
"No Jasper, I don't deserve to be comforted, I'm sorry I went behind your back but I thought maybe I could do this and feel better afterward. Instead, I feel wretched, all those poor unsuspecting people, all dead now and no one will ever know what happened to them except us. There were two children in the group Heidi brought back, I didn't know the Volturi preyed on children too. It was horrible, but what is worse is that even though I felt disgusted and I wanted to run I couldn't."
I pulled her close even though she resisted me and spoke to her quietly and reassuringly,
"Bella, it's OK,"
"No it's not, I killed someone and I enjoyed it. I don't want to feel like that ever again. I should never have listened to her but she said she could help me."
"Who did? Who did you speak to Bella?"
She looked up at me, her face a mask of misery,
"I should have listened to you but I didn't want to hear what you said. I wanted someone to tell me I could drink human blood and enjoy it and not feel guilty and when she said it would help me to control my gift more quickly I wanted to believe her."
I could feel my own anger rising, who had told Bella this?
"Who Bella?"
I couldn't imagine Sulpicia or Athenadora telling Bella any such thing but someone had and now she was distraught and I was furious but I wrestled my own anger down, right now it wouldn't be helpful.
"Who did you talk to Bella?"
When she whispered the name against my shoulder I sighed,
"It's not your fault Bella, it's mine. Jane was trying to get her own back on me for what I did to Alec. She told you what you wanted to hear knowing how much it would upset you and I wouldn't mind betting she knew Heidi had some youngsters in her party. She's an evil manipulating bitch Bella, you'd be better off staying well away from that particular female."
It took a long time to calm Bella down but it helped when I pointed out that although she had been upset and angry she hadn't allowed her gift to take over.
"See, you're learning control just like I said you would."
"Am I? Is it just a coincidence that I controlled myself after drinking human blood?"
I wouldn't lie to her,
"No, it's probably not a coincidence. Human blood makes you stronger and that, in turn, gives you more control but it made you feel so bad. Do you really want to go through that for the rest of your life every time you feed?"
She shook her head,
"No."
Then she began to shake and all I could do was to hold her.
We stayed like this for a long time until she finally relaxed in my arms and was able to tell me exactly what Jane had told her.
"And now I'm going to find the little bitch and rip her head off with my bare hands."
"Are you sure you want to do that Bella? Haven't you had enough violence for one day? Let me speak to her."
"No, I have to be able to stand up for myself or she'll be unbearable. I promise I won't use my gift to beat her to a pulp, I'll enjoy using my new strength for that instead."
"Bella, revenge is never as sweet as you think it will be, don't forget it was seeing people killed that made you feel so bad in the first place. Why don't you let me deal with Jane?"
She smiled at me, a genuine smile that lit her face up,
"Thank you, Jasper, for wanting to protect me but don't you see, Jane has got away with bullying and manipulating people all her life because she could. No one is strong enough to stand up to her, she just turns her gift on them and laughs as they suffer, but no more, now she's picked on the wrong person and she can see what it feels like to be the one suffering while someone else enjoys watching her squirm."
I was troubled, Bella was having problems the same as all newborns but she was much harder on herself than most. The first few years we're usually spent in a mindless bloodlust but she was still thinking with the mind of a human and judging herself by human standards which was torture. I wasn't sure keeping her calm and fed was the best thing to do in her case, maybe if she lost control again and stayed that way for a while she could burn off all her self-loathing but then isn't that what she had been doing on the mountain? And I had brought her back from it only to increase her pain. What she really needed to come to terms with was her thirst and having sampled human blood that was a difficult one. I understood her urge to do so again, it was a craving I wrestled with every day of my life. She had to decide on her prey and learn to live with the consequences of that decision and I told her so.
"Bella, you have two choices, you either hunt animals for their blood and learn to live with the constant thirst which I promise you will subside somewhat with time or you decide on a diet of human blood and learn to live with the guilt. I'm not saying you should choose one or the other, you are the only person who can make that decision, you know which you can cope with but I promise you that whichever way you choose I will stand by you and help you through it."
She looked at me, all humor was gone from her face again and nodded,
"I know I can't have it both ways it's just so hard either way."
"Yes, it is. I chose to hunt animals because my gift made it torture to feed on humans but I spent decades hunting humans and I will never forget the euphoria of drinking human blood so you see, it's equally as hard for me. Most vampire's drink human blood from the beginning when they don't even think about it so by the time they become controlled again it's second nature just like getting a burger was for you. I love you and I'll always stand by you but you have to choose and that's more important than chasing after Jane for revenge, that can wait a while"
Bella
He was right and I should have understood that if I needed help Jasper would be the one to give it, totally unbiased. Right now the thirst was the driving force behind my actions, the guilt faded quickly although it was horrendous at the time. Which could I live with? I wasn't sure I even knew right now but I had to or the conflict would tear me apart.
Calming my churning thoughts I asked myself a series of questions,
1. why had I become a vampire? Easy, to be with Jasper, the man I loved.
2. What did I want from my new life? Again easy, to spend it with Jasper and to enjoy all the things being immortal meant.
3. What was most important, peace of mind or confusion? Peace of mind.
And 4. Which decision would offer me that peace of mind and happiness I wanted so much? This was the hard one or at least the answer was a hard one, I could live with the thirst if as Jasper said it would ease off but I couldn't live with the terrible feeling of self-loathing I experienced whenever I killed a human.
"I want to concentrate on animal blood but don't judge me if I slip occasionally."
He smiled tenderly and kissed my forehead,
"Bella, the only person who will ever judge you is you, I'll just pick up the pieces and help you put yourself together again."
He was right again, I knew he would always be there for me however much of a train wreck I made of things.
"We'll start tomorrow, you can come hunt the wolves with me if the newborns haven't found them and then we'll hunt down Jane and have a quiet word with her but please, try not to use your gift, it will show her how much you despise her and that will hurt far more than any physical pain."
"OK, so long as I can kick her juvenile ass around the citadel"
"I think you might have an audience cheering you on if anyone hears about it."
"Do you think Aro will be angry? I mean she is his favorite."
"No, I think he'll feel she got her just desserts. Just because Aro likes Jane doesn't mean he approves of everything she does. Like a child, she needs chastising from time to time."
I smiled, I liked the idea of chastising the adolescent bitch and it wouldn't hurt to free myself of some stress either.
