With those two words, Olivia felt her whole world come to a complete halt. He loved her. She loved him.
But he was married. He had children. He had a world that didn't involve her. They were best friends, but Kathy would always come first – as she should. Olivia couldn't – wouldn't – be responsible for tearing Elliot's family apart.
Yet she loved him.
And that changed everything.
But did that make it okay? Did the end justify the means? In her head, she knew the answer, no, but her heart was screaming, yes.
"Liv?" asked Elliot, his voice sounding far away. "Liv, are you all right?"
The world was spinning around her. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she couldn't breathe. This was the absolute worst timing, but how could she refuse?
"Yeah, Elliot," she managed. "I'm fine."
"I love you," he whispered, stroking her hair.
"I know. But you can't."
"Why?"
"You're married."
It was the same words, over and over, every time. They'd been through this before; it was like a play that they were rehearsing. They both knew all their lines and the other person's too, ready to pick up where their scene partner left off. As the play went on, though, the lines were delivered less convincingly each time.
"It isn't like that," said Elliot. "Kathy and I – we haven't been getting along so well recently, Liv. We decided to take a break from each other."
"But Elliot, did you make that decision because you don't love her anymore? Because I know you do."
"No, Liv. I made that decision because I love you."
The world fell away and a bout of nausea overwhelmed Olivia. "No," she whispered. "I can't. I can't do this."
"Olivia, it's not you, it's just . . . have you ever though that maybe this is the way it's meant to be? You and me, we're destined for each other."
She shook her head. "Divine intervention? Bull. People use it as an excuse to diminish their own accountability."
"Liv." Elliot took her hands in his and looked right into her eyes. "Olivia, I knew the moment I laid eyes on you that you were the one. But you left and I was alone. I couldn't wait forever; I thought you'd never come back. I waited a year but then I realized – Liv, I couldn't do it anymore. I thought of you every single day and I never forgot, but I started going out with other girls. Nothing serious until I met Kathy and – she was special. She reminded me of you. I came to accept that you were never coming back and justifiably so. So I married her. She was amazing, but she wasn't you."
A smile played around the corners of Olivia's lips. "I'm not amazing?"
"No. You're perfect."
"No, El, I'm not."
"You are to me."
Olivia began to cry again. "Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve you, El. My whole life has been a mistake. The only thing I ever did right was Caitlin, and even that was just a mistake. Circumstance gave me my life. It's the only reason I met you. That was the second best thing that ever happened to me. Elliot, I was so scared that I was never going to see you again and it's all my fault and I love you but I can't – can't – can't!"
Elliot opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He couldn't find the words to comfort Olivia and it occurred to him that such words might not even exist. Instead, he put his hand on her shoulder.
She recoiled out of instinct and that set her off again. "I'm sorry, El. Look at me. I'm damaged."
"No, you're not." But the words sounded hollow, even to him.
"I can't even stand to be touched anymore. I know why you want this – you like fixing things that are broken, but this can't be fixed."
"Liv, that's not it. I love you. I've loved you all your life."
"I know, El. And I've loved you, too. But it isn't right."
He reached out and pulled her into his warm embrace. He could feel the tension in her body as he gently rubbed her back.
She rested her head on his shoulder, wetting his shirt with her tears. And she wondered how something that felt so good could be anything but right?
