When Sirius recovered leaps and bounds over the next few days – although not quickly enough for them to celebrate the New Year with their friends – Lydia did try to love him. She worked very hard at meaning every kiss, every touch, every moment of their intimacy. But it was of little use, it seemed, because about a week into January, she still did not love him.
He and Peter were off doing something for the Order and Lydia dropped in on Lily and Harry at Godric's Hollow. She needed to talk to Lily.
"Oh, Lydia! Come in, come in. How is Sirius doing? I've not left the house since the raid on St. Mungo's."
Lydia said that he was much improved and waited in the kitchen while Lily put Harry down for a nap.
"James told me about your meltdown," Lily said sympathetically, sitting down at the kitchen table with her friend. "But he survived, right? So you did the right thing."
"Yes," Lydia said, pressing her foot against the sturdy leg of the table. "Yes, he's alive and well and more in love with me than ever, it would seem. He thinks of me as a hero now, as his savior."
Lily nodded and said, "That's a lot of pressure on any person. Have you…. Have your feelings changed at all? I mean, even a little bit?"
"I don't know," Lydia said honestly. "I know I still don't love him, and I mean I've tried everything, Lily. But has there been some small change, some positive sign that someday maybe I could if I keep trying? I really can't tell. And it's so frustrating and terrifying. What if it happens again?"
One of Lily's thin, graceful hands took Lydia's shanking hand and squeezed it slightly.
"But you're trying now, really trying. That has to count for something."
Lydia nodded, letting her foot fall back down to the kitchen floor. She wanted to believe that there was something positive that would come out of trying harder, but if she was being fully honest with herself, she knew that nothing had changed.
"D'you think we should have run?" Lydia asked.
"What do you mean?"
With a sigh, Lydia explained to Lily her conversation about going into hiding with Sirius, and the conversation she'd overheard between Sirius and James while she was getting the pain potion.
"D'you think we should have left the country?"
Lily pursed her lips and got up to make tea. There was a strange almost-silence between the women until Lily finished with the tea and sat down again.
"Do you think it would have been a good idea to run away with a man you don't love?" Lily asked gently. "I mean, really, could you have sustained that? Eventually, he would have wanted to marry you and have children with you, and he would have wanted you to tell him that you loved him. Even if you could do the rest, could you have lied to him?"
Of course she couldn't have lied to him, not about something so important. Lydia shook her head and they drank their tea in silence for a long while.
"I think," Lily said softly, "that this is a wake-up call, Lydia. I'm not saying you should end things here and now. He obviously means a lot to you if you were so upset over things, the way James said you were. Give it some time, and if you still can't love him, you need to leave him. We can start thinking about arrangements if we get closer to that point, but…"
"How long?" Lydia asked, hands shaking, feeling so nervous it was almost making her sick. "How long is too long?"
Lily frowned and thought for a moment, looking down at the table, her green eyes flashing as she tried to puzzle out the right answer. Lydia had seen that look in many a classroom, but she never thought she'd see it applied to her own life in such a way.
"You've been together for a long time now," Lily said softly. "It's only fair to give him a solid chance. What about…by December? Before Christmas. If you know it's not working toward the end of November, you don't want to break up with him after Christmas. That's just cruel."
Lydia wasn't sure if it was really any crueler that way, but she nodded. She essentially had a year. If she couldn't, in giving it her all, manage to fall in love with Sirius within the course of about a year, then she would have to leave him, and tell him the truth, and that would hurt very, very badly. Was that the beginning of love?
Drinking her tea, Lydia was fairly certain that it wasn't. She'd never liked the idea of hurting Sirius. She really didn't like the idea of hurting anyone, but there was something so pure in the way he loved her that made her feel especially guilty at the thought of causing him pain with the truth.
"I really should be going soon," she sighed, rubbing her thumb on the rim of the teacup. "I've got some errands to run at Hogsmeade."
"Does Sirius know you're spending so much time out?"
"I'm not chained to the house, Lily. I'm probably safer out and about than at home all the time, anyway. I doubt they have someone tailing me."
Lily clicked her tongue to make it perfectly clear that she thought the half-joke was tasteless, but she took the empty teacup from her friend and walked her to the door.
"Be careful," she said sternly. "If I didn't have a sleeping baby to stay with I would go with you."
"I'll be fine, Lily," Lydia assured her friend. "I'm sure the Death Eaters are all out looking for our men, anyway, right?"
Another click of Lily's tongue and the two women hugged. Lydia sighed into her friend's beautiful red hair, and waved before Disapparating to Hogsmeade, where she walked down the street to the apothecary.
To her shock, however, when she opened the door a familiar person walked right into her.
"Lydia?"
"Sev!" she said, taking a step back and frowning. "I change apothecaries and I still run into you!"
He quirked an eyebrow with the obvious question of her avoiding him behind it, but he did not voice the question and so Lydia offered no answers. Instead, he said, "I needed some rare ingredients. This is the only apothecary in the country that has them."
"Corrosives," she said darkly. "I know."
His eyes flashed with surprise and they searched her face.
"Sirius is much recovered, as I'm sure you know," she said softly. "No thanks to you."
Severus grabbed her wrist and she felt like she was back at school once more. It wasn't as tight of a grip, but his eyes were wild and full of intent.
"You need to leave him, Lydia."
"You can't tell me what I should do, Severus. Not with the choices you've made. You have no right to tell me what to do."
"Please, Lydia," he said, and she was surprised at how urgent his words were. "You need to leave him. You are not safe where you are."
"The house?" she asked, frowning.
"It's not that," he said, narrowing his eyes in thought. There was something he could not tell her, but Lydia did believe that he was afraid for her. "Please, Lydia. You need to leave him."
"Sev, I have nowhere else to go. It's not safe for me to leave, especially not without really planning. Am I in immediate danger?"
He hesitated.
"I don't know," he said slowly. "Likely…likely not. But you are in danger nonetheless."
Lydia sighed, pulling her wrist form his hand.
"I can't leave."
"I will keep you safe!" Severus pressed, moving a bit closer. "I will find somewhere, some way to keep you safe, Lydia. I promise you that."
She searched his dark eyes and frowned, trying to understand what it was that had him so afraid. She thought back to all the little bits and pieces that he had told her when he warned her about things, or gave her even the slightest inclination about what was going on in his world. Whatever it was that had him afraid, it seemed to have to do specifically with her being with or living with Sirius.
"What has you so scared?" she asked, still searching his face, and she saw a flash of emotion that did look very much like fear. It was gone a moment later, and Severus's eyes turned incredibly cold. He would not answer the question, she knew, and Lydia tried to pull away and back away. He followed her.
"Leave him," Severus said darkly. "Before it's too late."
There was something horrifically ominous.
A year was what she had promised Lily not even a half an hour ago, but if she was really in some kind of danger….
"Can you really promise that I would be safer with whatever you plan?" she demanded.
Severus raised his eyebrows, watching her, surprised and confused. He let go of her wrist, taking a step back.
"Lydia, there are no guarantees, as much as I would like to say…as much as…. He cannot promise you that either."
"No, he can't," she agreed, summoning all her courage. "But I'm fairly certain that he would die for me if he had to." Something flashed across Severus's eyes again.
He would die for Lily, she knew. He would die for You-Know-Who if he was asked to, although how he would feel about it she wasn't sure. Lydia had never asked, but she was fairly certain that Severus was afraid of dying. She had a theory that those who killed often were the most afraid to die. It might have been something someone told her once, something that stuck in her memory and took nest in her mind.
Whatever the reason, she was almost certain that he would have to think very hard before dying for her, and even then she didn't think he would chose to do it. And how safe would she really be if he wasn't willing to die for her?
"I'm sure you have things to do," she said. "Good day."
Lydia pushed past Severus toward the door of the apothecary and he said, "Lydia, please. I'm begging you."
She paused only for a moment, wondering if she could find some way to appease both Lily and Severus in this. But it seemed that in this, as with everything else, Lily and Severus were completely separate. And as hard as it was, if forced to choose Lydia would choose Lily every time, if only because she knew what to expect from Lily and Lily's friends. She knew Lily would never hurt her, intentionally or otherwise.
He said nothing else as she walked into the shop, and Lydia felt a twinge of guilt as she went about her shopping. No doubt he meant what was best for her. She could never believe that Severus would want anything but what was best for her. But things were complicated with the war. Nothing was the way she thought it ought to be. She couldn't afford to play by his rules.
"Six galleons and four sickles, miss."
Lydia paid for her ingredients and walked down the high street for a while.
It was different from when she was in school. She could remember walking these streets with Lily, before either of them had gotten involved with a Marauder and when the most important thing they had to think about was homework and N.E.W.T.s looming on the horizon. Perhaps she should have been able to foresee, even back then, the world she would end up in, but Lydia had cocooned herself into a bit of a mental bubble, stuck her head in the sand.
She went back to Sirius's place, determined to renew her efforts to fall in love with him, even a little bit.
Sirius was pacing the foyer when she came inside and he froze, staring at her when she walked in.
"Hello," she said happily, kissing his cheek, taking off her scarf. "How was…whatever you were doing?"
"Where were you?" he said, his gray eyes flashing. Lydia frowned slightly, holding up her bag.
"Apothecary," she said. "We were low on quite a few things I needed to stock up the medicine cabinet. And I dropped by to see Lily."
"You shouldn't go out so much," Sirius said, following her to the storage for her potion supplies. "It's not safe. Why don't you keep a list and I'll get your ingredients for you while I'm out?"
"Don't be absurd, Sirius," she said, clicking her tongue. "You won't know what the best ones are. You don't have a rapport with the apothecaries. I get everything at a hefty discount, you know. They're not just going to transfer that to you."
"We don't need the discount," Sirius grumbled. "Look, Lydia, will you just put the beetle eyes down and look at me?"
She did as he asked, frowning at him. He was starting to get frustrated and there was no point making it worse.
"Yes?"
"I don't want you leaving the house except for emergencies and when you're with me."
Lydia blinked up at Sirius's face. He probably meant well, but this was not working wonders for her attempts to fall in love with him.
"Why?"
"Because it's not safe."
"Is there some new threat I wasn't aware of? Because if there is then we can talk about this, but if not I'm going to keep on as I've been, Sirius."
"Please," he said, touching her shoulder gently. "Please, Lydia, just let me keep you as safe as possible."
She tilted her head slightly for a better angle of his face.
"I'm not going to be any safer if I'm stuck in the house, Sirius," she argued, raising her eyebrows at him. "Remember what happened to your last house? What if that happened again with me in it? How would you feel about cooping me up then?"
Sirius took a step back, obviously stunned that she used such an argument against him. She closed her eyes and turned away, trying to think about the way his skin felt against hers, trying to remind herself why she was going with Lily's plan instead of Severus's.
"I love you, Lydia," he whispered. "I don't want to fight with you, especially about your safety. Can we just…agree that we both want what's best for you and talk it out over tea?"
She exhaled and nodded.
"Just let me put this stuff away first," Lydia pressed, opening her eyes and watching his face loosen. He kissed her cheek and left for the kitchen. She could hear the kettle as she finished putting away the last of her purchases, and then she steadied herself before going to the kitchen.
"Here," he said, setting down a cup of tea for her, stirring a bit of sugar into his own. "You know I only say this because I care about you, Lydia."
She watched the tea steam slightly. He was upset, very upset. He'd cooled her tea but not enough. Perhaps the most telling thing was that he hadn't even noticed the steam. Lydia could not bring herself to look up at him.
"I know."
"I know you don't want to lose your freedom, love, but I can't think straight, knowing you're not here when I get back. Is there some sort of compromise we can come to?"
Lydia wanted to say that she couldn't compromise on her freedom to come and go, especially because he had no real hold on her. Except that she knew his hold was that he loved her and she felt she was indebted to him for his taking care of her. And she had worn herself out of disagreeing between Severus and her spat with Sirius when she arrived.
"All right," she sighed, running her finger along the rim of the teacup. He'd yet to notice that it was too hot. "What do you have in mind?"
Sirius set down his own cup and said, "I think we need to keep a calendar of when I'm gone."
"What?"
"I mean, when I'm not here, I need to document when I'll be back by for certain, because it worries me most when I'm here and you're not. I can't be in this house without you."
So that was what this was all about. Not a renewed threat. Not a question of her safety per se. Sirius was incapable of being alone in his house, of knowing she was out somewhere without him. She sighed, biting her lip. She wanted to tell him that that was how she felt when he was gone and she was alone.
But what point would there be, picking another fight? His proposal gave her freedom to leave the house any time he went out. It wasn't the most unfortunate of compromises, and she decided that it was better accept this had have some freedom than to ruin any chance she had of keeping her word to Lily and giving herself a chance to fall in love with him.
"All right," she said, blowing on her tea. "I think that sounds reasonable."
He sighed and then he said, "Oh, Lydia, I'm sorry about your tea." He rubbed his forehead. "I wasn't paying very close attention. Here, let me cool it again."
She put her hand on top of his to stop him from reaching out to take back the cup. He smiled at her weakly.
"Don't worry about it," she told him, only half meaning it. There would be nothing good of complicating things between them. She had to pull her weight.
"All right," he sighed, kissing her hand. "All right."
The sat in silence for about twenty minutes until he kissed her hand again and he said, "I love you, Lydia."
She sipped her tea, a little warm for her tastes still, but it covered her silence nicely.
