CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
I sat on the top of the stairs, my head against the side of the wall. Michonne, Daryl, and I had decided that we'd have a watch and if any of them tried anything to yell, and the other two would be there.

So, it was my turn. It's not like I had slept before my turn anyway. Neither had Daryl. We had just laid there, staring at the ceiling.

"Are you asleep?" I asked, my hands on my stomach.

"No," he answered. One of my hands snaked down to his and we held hands.

I don't know why I was so scared. It wasn't that Raul or Tray or even Morgan were scary. They looked really nice, actually. And Morgan seemed to be a sweet lady and good mother. I passed it off as new people scare me.

Eventually, Michonne came in and told him that it was his turn. He kissed my forehead before he left, grabbing his bow from the door way.

He wasn't gone but two hours before he lazily slouched back in, looking extremely tired.

I stood up, knowing it was my turn for the watch. I grabbed my moccasins and slipped them on, just in case I needed to run, grabbed my gun, and walked to the door.

"Wait," Daryl stopped me outside of the door, whispering.

"What?" I asked, straining to see what his facial expression was in the dark.

"You went out there again."

A burst of pain shot through me and I felt the need to cry. I hated to disappoint him, and I had. Big time. Why couldn't I have just stayed in and let those people knock on the door?

"Yeah," I answered him.

"It wasn't a question."

More hurting of my heart. It was like he had given me a second chance to trust him, and I failed.

"Daryl, I'm-"

"We'll talk about it later," he sighed, setting his bow down in a corner and calling for Bonnet, who jumped from our tub and ran over. He laid down and she jumped on top of him. How long had she been sleeping in the tub?

I left silently, and now here I was, sitting on the steps, trying to stay awake.

I looked down the stairs in the dark and I could barely see one of the mattresses corners from the living room. We had came in, drug down to mattresses from the vacant rooms, and let them sleep on those. We gave them plenty of blankets and pillows, and I'm 99.9% sure that Tray had to sleep on the couch. But, we were already doing a lot and I wasn't about to let them sleep upstairs with us. Not yet. I felt like I morally had to let them stay, but I would put an end to their lives if they posed a threat to any of the three of us.

I heard a footstep behind me, and I turned quickly, all at once turning the safety off on my gun and pulling the little hammer back. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Daryl in the door way.

"I can't sleep," he mumbled/whispered as he sat down beside me, completely ignoring my gun. I quickly turned the safety back on and sat it behind me.

"I couldn't either," I whispered back, hoping we weren't keeping any of our guests awake.

Daryl put his head in his hands, seeming extremely frustrated.

"What am I going to do about those people?" he asked into his hands, sighing loudly. I put my hand on his back, which I realized was bare, and shook my head.

"We can't just send them away. They have three kids, Daryl."

"I wasn't suggesting that," he sat up and my hand fell back in my lap.

"I didn't say you were," I shrugged, my whisper getting even lower.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes.

"I need a cigarette," he nearly growled, wiping his mouth. Anger flared up in me for a second before I calmed myself down.

"No you don't. And besides, I threw them all out," I leaned against the wall again and looked at him sideways.

"You did what?" he asked, turning to look at me too.

"I threw them out," I whispered, looking him in the eye.

"Great," he mumbled, and surprised me by putting his arm around my shoulders and hugging me to him.

"You're not mad?" I asked, looking up at him, my arms went around his torso.

"No. I told you I would quit," he said simply. His hand moved up and down my side and I smiled.

"Good."

Was it bad that almost liked it when he smoked? As much as it annoyed me it somehow made him less perfect, and it comforted me. Knowing that he had his faults as well made me seem more ok with my faults. The smell of his cigarette smoke also comforted me at times. When we were laying in bed and he would light a cigarette, it somehow made me feel even better. But, I was glad he was quitting.

"But you know this means I'm going to drink more, right?" he asked, his mouth by my ear. I laughed, low and breathy, and leaned up to kiss his cheek.

"That's alright with me."

"Now I can have lung and liver failure," he kissed me back, catching my mouth. Just a short, sweet kiss.

"You're funny," I said sarcastically, leaning against him.

More silence, and the occasional sound of someone moving down in the living room and the obvious sound of Michonne pacing in her room. She didn't seem like a pacer to me. But, it was either she was pacing or practicing for a mall walking competition. Option number one seemed like a better fit.

"So, while we're here, let's talk about you going outside, again," he said after a little bit, and I leaned away from him and sighed, his arm dropping from my shoulders.

"I'm sorry, really-"

"You shouldn't have to apologize. I mean, obviously it amounted to some good. You seen that family and they can get some rest now. But, I thought you quit going out there. It's not that you did it, it's that you lied."

I put both hands on the side of his face, making him look at me.

"Daryl Dixon, I didn't lie. When I said I stopped going out there, I really did stop. I haven't been out there in at least a week. I just woke up with the urge to go out there. It was like... I don't know.." I felt uncomfortable saying what I wanted to and I dropped my hands, along with my gaze, from him.

This time it was him who brought my gaze back, lifting my chin with with his index finger and thumb.

"Like what?" he asked, his voice sounded so serious. It was unusual to the normal Daryl. But I definitely liked it.

"Like..." I took a deep breath, "Like God was telling me to go out there."

He looked at me for a second and I thought 'I don't even know if Daryl believes in God and Jesus and if he believes in anything at all.' I couldn't believe that I hadn't touched base with that subject before!

"So, you think God told you?" he asked, with his free hand he brushed hair out of my face.

"Yeah," I whispered, although we were already whispering. It was like an octave lower.

"That's incredible," and he leaned in and lightly kissed me like he did earlier, then put his arm around and me.

Wow. Two surprises in one night.

"So, you're not mad I went out there?"

"No. Especially if J.C. told you to."

J.C.? Who's that..? Oh, Jesus Christ. I hadn't said Jesus. But, at least I think that means he believes in him, too.

"Good. Because I think it's a miracle we found them. Like they're going to be a big part of our lives," I leaned against him again, shivering even though it was at least 70 degrees.

"I feel like a refuge camp," he added, squeezing me gently. We both chuckled slightly.

"You should go back to bed, honey. You're gonna need your rest for the little meeting tomorrow," I suggested, not realizing I had called him honey until after I said it. It was so.. husband/wife. I smiled at the thought.

"I'm good here. If I go back there I'm just going to be awake and lonely."

"Hey, speaking of lonely, when did you start letting Bonnet sleep in the tub?" I asked, turning to look at him through the slowly rising sun. I wouldn't even say it was rising. It was barely even coming up, the sky was just a lighter gray now.

"Well, I don't normally. But, I don't want to leave her unattended with new people," he shrugged and I stifled a laugh. He had found something to obsess over and protect. I suppose, something to fill the void where his child was supposed to be.

"I doubt they eat dogs, Daryl," I kissed his shoulder and looked up to see him smile.

"You never know. Who know's when the last time they ate."

My heart seemed to stop once again.

"Oh my goodness! We didn't even ask if they were hungry!" I whisper/shouted.

"It's ok. We'll feed them when they wake up," he said softly, playing with my hair.

"Mm.. Ok," I shrugged, biting my lip. I thought about the adorable little boys and worried about the last time they ate. I hadn't gotten that good of look at them, but they didn't look hungry. Just scared.

"Aren't the little boys the cutest?" I asked after a second, as we were moving around so he was leaned against the wall and I was leaned against him, in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I leaned back against him.

"Yeah," and you could hear the longing his voice. I felt so bad that I hadn't delivered his baby like he wanted. I didn't even know that he wanted kids that badly and now that I do I felt terrible. More than terrible. I felt responsible.

"You'll have kids too, Daryl." I kissed one of his hands by my shoulder.

"But, you've already had one miscarriage. What if that means you can't have kids?" he sounded heart broken and I wondered how long he's thought about this.

"That was just one miscarriage. A lot of women have miscarriages and then have wonderful, healthy pregnancies and even healthier babies," I reassured him.

"Yours was a four month miscarriage. It's different."

I sighed and patted his arm, feeling even more frustrated.

"It is different. But, that doesn't mean I can't have kids."

"If you say so-"

"I do." I said firmly, my heart felt like someone was squeezing it and my throat felt constricted.

More silence. The sun was higher now, and I closed my eyes for a second.

A second turned into a dream, a dream turned into me waking up sometime later, in the bed. I sat up and looked around, not seeing anyone. I looked out the window. It was still early.

I stood up and slipped my moccasins on, yawning and running a hand through my hair before I walked out. Daryl and Michonne were sitting on the stairs and I sat in the middle of them.

"They're still asleep," Michonne told me, looking exhausted.

"Did you get any?" I asked, the look on her face said it all.

"None."

"And you?" I asked, turning to Daryl. He shook his head no and I noticed he was now fully dressed.

"How long was I out?"

"Probably two hours. Not long."

I sighed, wishing it was more. I needed a nice, deep sleep.

"So you were on the roof last night?" Michonne asked. I groaned dramatically and laid my head on Daryl's shoulder.

"Yeah," he answered for me, "We've already talked about it."

"Oh," was all Michonne said, giving us a skeptical look.

We heard a creak down stairs, and footsteps.

"Mama?" one of the little boys asked, "Where are we?"

"They're up," Daryl sighed, standing up.

I took a deep breath and stood up too, and all three of us walked down the stairs together.

/

I know how I'm gonna end this story, I just need to know how to get there.. Working out the kinks. Girr. I'll get there!

Next chapter comes Monday! Review!