Dean walked into the Bunker library expecting to see Sam there, permanently affixed to his computer, as wlways looking for a way to erase the Mark, but the room was empty. He had no idea what time it was, he'd spent the last too many hours in his room, maybe Sam had gone to bed.
No, Dean reconsidered, Sam always said goodnight before he went to bed, even when Dean was hiding in his room. So, he was somewhere else in the Bunker. Maybe the kitchen. Dean headed that way, giving a glance to Sam's computer on the way past.
It was open to a list of the "National Days Of" for today and Dean felt a twist of guilt. They hadn't really celebrated any of these for a very long time. They'd never put much any serious emphasis on it, they celebrated for fun and for laughs and not usually much more, but not celebrating felt like a lot more than just no fun & no laughs.
He looked closer at the list. Maybe something would catch his interest.
World Math - that was Sammy's day if anything was. Maybe he could ask Sam his thoughts on solving for Pi. That would take up the rest of the decade.
Grammar - another Sammy day. He was about the only person Dean knew who could properly use semi colons, the word 'whom', and the plural 'octopi'.
Benjamin Harrison - he'd been a President, right? That was history. Yeah, Sam would know all about that, too.
March Forth & Do Something - this was turning out to be a full-on Sam Winchester day, wasn't it, Dean thought, trying to ignore the lump he suddenly felt in his throat. Dean was in trouble? March forth was Sam's instant and unending reaction.
Courageous Follower - Dean shoved Sam's computer closed at that. He didn't want to read any more 'Days Of', he couldn't take anymore.
"Dean - hey," Sam said, coming into the library. "Dinner's just about ready, I was coming to get you -" He broke off, looking at Dean's hand on his closed computer. He apparently realized what was going on. "I wasn't gonna mention celebrating any of them," he said. "I mean, it's pound cake day, but I haven't gotten over that pound cake we had in Niagara Falls the one time. It was Lent and Dad said it was a perfect cake for Lent because eating it was a penance."
"I had the pie," Dean said. He laughed, then shook his head. "I doubt I'll ever feel like celebrating anything, ever, again."
"We'll figure this out, Dean. We will. Whatever it takes, I'll do it."
"March forth and do something?" Dean asked and when Sam gave him a puzzled look, he gestured to the computer. "It's one of the days, today," he said and shrugged. "I know you'll do everything, Sam. You'll do everything until there's nothing left to do and then you'll do more, but c'mon - we both know we've hit the wall on this."
"So, we've hit a wall," Sam said with force. "Then we do what we always do - knock a hole through the damn wall and keep going. I'm not giving up. I mean - " His attention was suddenly fixed on the floor. "You never gave up on me."
"I think this might be different," Dean picked his way through his answer. He didn't want to belittle all that Sam had ever gone through, but they had to face facts.
"Different how?" Sam asked. "This thing is trying to take control of you and you need to take control back. How is it different than me fighting to take control in Stull?"
"Different because you did take control. Different because I'm just not as strong as you are, Sam. I'm just not."
Sam looked devastated, he started to say something then didn't, he gestured like he was going to say something then still didn't. He sank down into a chair at the table with a sigh.
"It's Toy Soldier Day, today, too. Did you know that?"
"No…" Dean drew the word out, waiting for Sam to explain how that made any difference at all to anything they were talking about right now.
"In Stull, you drove right in and told the devil to move aside. You had nobody and nothing to back you up and you still spit in his face. Stronger than you, Dean? I'd lost the fight the second I said yes, until I saw the toy soldier in the ash tray in the back seat of the car. That's how I took control. I saw that soldier and it reminded me that - that -" He looked around, as though trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say.
"Reminded you of what?" Dean had to ask when Sam didn't finish his thought.
"It reminded me that we always make our own rules; screw what anybody else says." Sam smiled. "I'm just saying, don't give up, Dean. Don't. You never know what one little thing is going to be there just when you need it. All right?"
"Yeah, all right." Dean agreed. "C'mon - dinner must be burning by now."
Sam tossed him the Bitchface but seemed to put a little hurry into getting back to the kitchen. Dean pressed his hand down on Sam's computer.
March forth and do something.
A/N: if you haven't heard, Jared has a "limited edition t-shirt" for sale, "Always Keep Fighting" the proceeds of which will go "to help people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide," things which are very near (unfortunately too near) to my heart. Knowing this site's dislike of You Are Ells, I suggest googling Jared and Always Keep Fighting.
