A/N: I don't own it.
Chapter 54: Don't Fear the Reaper
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...
-"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult
Sage POV
"Emmett." I whispered hoarsely.
Since Jasper and I had stopped walking, Emmett took the opportunity to shrug away from the wall and walk to us, stopping about three feet in front of us and shoving his hands into his pockets.
"What are you doing here, Emmett?" I asked quietly.
Emmett cleared his throat and shrugged a little, rocking back on his heels as Jasper squeezed me a little tighter. Finally, he sighed and looked up at me. "Came to see Dad."
Say what?
Come again?
HUH?
"Huh?"
Wow. I'm smart.
"I came to see Dad." He repeated, his eyes falling again.
"Why?" Jasper asked defensively. "I don't think he needs you rubbing his face in—"
"Jas," I murmured, hugging him briefly. "Let him talk."
Emmett gave me a small smile and nodded to one of the benches at the side of the building. I nodded, and together, we all sat on the bench, me leaning against Jasper's side and facing my brother. It was ironic, sadly. I was always between them, always a buffer, a link. I wondered if I weren't around, if it would've been possible for Emmett and Jasper to actually be friends… if they weren't too busy trying to protect me from each other.
Emmett leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together, and I noticed for the first time how tired and drawn he looked, as though he could've used a good year's worth of sleep.
"I… uh… I started going to Therapy a few months ago." He looked up and off into the distance, as though the admission pained him. "And Anger Management… because I learned a few things about myself that I'm not proud of." He heaved a sigh and looked back at me. "I wanted to protect you. From everything… and somewhere in that, I forgot that you were a person, and not just an extension of me. I started coming to see Dad in August."
My eyes widened at that. "He never mentioned—"
"I asked him not to." He whispered. "I didn't… I didn't want to get your hopes up just yet, but my Psychologist thought it might be a good idea."
"Psychologist?" I asked.
He nodded, his eyes falling again. "After you moved out, I kept going to Carmen. I was pissed and I wanted vindication and she wouldn't give it to me… and she suggested maybe I should talk to a Psychologist, so she made me an appointment with Doctor Kebi Taylor." He leaned back again and chewed his lip for a minute. "She helped me realize a lot of things… and I am so sorry." His voice cracked at the end and I noticed his eyes filling with tears. "I know you think I always chose Rose over you, and I understand why you think that, but I didn't. Not always. I-I wanted you to move in with me so that I could watch out for you, keep you healthy, and she didn't want that. She didn't think it was good for you, but I told her we were a package and she had to deal with it." He nodded at Jasper. "She knew what you needed better than I did, because that's why Jasper moved in too."
I turned to find Jasper looking as shocked as I felt.
"I wanted to just bottle you up and keep you safe on a shelf where you couldn't get hurt, but I know you can't live that way. I get that now. And…" he huffed a breath and licked his lips. "I'm not saying I'm better, or that I won't fuck up, because I will… but Sage, you're my sister. And I love you."
I covered my mouth and sobbed, earning me another squeeze from Jasper before I lunged for Emmett and hugged him fiercely. "Y-you promise?" I hiccupped.
"I promise." He whispered into my hair. "I'm gonna keep working on my Therapy and my Anger Management, and I'm going to work on listening to what you want and need from me. I just don't want to lose you. Us McCarty's have to stick together."
I sobbed again and hugged him tighter, nodding my agreement.
After several long minutes, we broke apart, and Emmett gave me a nervous smile. "You wanna go see Dad with me? Or is it something you'd prefer to do alone?"
I smiled through my tears. "I'd love for you to join us, Emmett."
Emmett gave Jasper and I a moment to talk in private while he waited by the entrance to the prison. It was a good thing, too, because Jasper looked as though he were attempting to swallow a porcupine.
"You think I'm stupid for giving him a chance." I murmured softly, not at all offended.
He shook his head. "No. I just don't want him to cause a back slide if he can't follow through. You're my only concern. If ya'll get along, if having him around is a positive influence, I'm all for it."
"You'll be there to catch me." I replied, giving him a small smile.
"Always will be." He agreed, kissing my forehead. "I love you." He grimaced and sighed, "But I can't just drop my guard with him. Not at the drop of a hat."
"I love you too, Jas. And I don't expect you to." I sighed and stood up, brushing off the seat of my jeans before holding out my hand to him. "Come on. We've kept my dad waiting."
Jasper decided to stay in the waiting area and allowed Emmett and I some time together with Dad. When he stepped through the gate and caught sight of us together, I thought his eyes might actually roll out of their sockets.
"Well," he muttered, plopping down across from us. "This is a surprise." He inclined his head toward Emmett and cocked an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't want her to know."
Emmett shrugged, suddenly looking like a scared child. "Doctor Taylor was supportive… and I really wanted to see her."
"Sitting right here." I grumbled.
"Sorry, Baby Girl. Your brother and I have had a lot of conversations about you in recent weeks."
I quirked an eyebrow at Emmett. "How often have you been coming down?"
"Every weekend." He admitted. "Rose told me you guys usually come for the earlier visiting hours, so I was coming to the afternoon hours."
"Wow. How long did it take you to speak civilly?"
Emmett and Dad both grimaced at that. "Emmett's been angry for a very long time, Sage… and he's got a right to his anger. It still baffles me that you're not angry."
I shrugged. "I don't remember anything to be angry over. I never remember you being drunk, just that Emmett said you were. I remember good things."
"Like what?" Emmett asked quietly. "Give me a good memory."
I thought for a moment, leaning on my elbows on the picnic table. "How about my seventh birthday… remember? Dad took us to Disneyland and I was too small for any of the cool rides and I could only ride the Teacups? He rode those all day with me." Emmett nodded, a ghost of a smile forming. "Or the first anniversary of Mom's death? Remember, we took flowers to the cemetery, and then we made tacos and queso and sat and watched old home movies all night while he told us stories about how he and Mom met? That was great. Or my tenth birthday? He rented that bounce house and we had a water balloon fight, and then we drove out to the Bay and had lobster."
Emmett smiled a little. "Yeah, I remember that."
"How about your fourteenth birthday, Em?" I prodded. "Remember? We played laser tag and had an ice cream party. We all ended up spraying the whipped cream all over the place—and then it was all over the linoleum floor—and we slipped and slid all over the place. It took us hours to clean the kitchen." He nodded again. "All those times he told us stories about Mom? So that we'd remember her and know who she was?" I pressed. "How he never let us forget her? Not one year. We always acknowledged her birthday and her passing."
His jaw was set, but he nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I remember." He whispered hoarsely.
"Sage," Dad murmured and I looked at him. "You need to understand that I was drunk for most of that… and I know you were too young to realize it, but Emmett also remembers things differently because he was old enough to understand."
Emmett's face fell and he clasped his hands on the table. "We don't have to talk about that, Dad. That's not what we're here for."
"She needs to hear it eventually." Dad argued.
"She doesn't need to hear it now." Emmett countered. "I've just apologized, I'm trying to make amends… we don't need to do this now."
I was suddenly so proud of him. Before I moved out, Emmett would've never spared my feelings by brushing off Dad's flaws like that, he would've pointed them out one right after the other, brow-beating me into submission.
"Maybe it's something we could discuss with Doctor Cullen? Or Doctor Taylor?" I offered.
"Yeah, maybe." He agreed softly. "Maybe you can remind me of some of the good stuff?"
I grinned at that. "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."
We spent the rest of the hour talking to Dad about things that would need to be taken care of when he passed. Dad had been so surprised when Emmett began visiting, he hadn't even thought to mention the Safe Deposit Box, or anything else.
"Do me a favor and just have me cremated." He grumbled toward the end. "I don't need to be taking up space, and the thought of worms crawling into my ears makes me nauseous."
"Dad, that's gross!" I cried, appalled by the visual.
Emmett, however, was laughing. "I have that same fear."
I rolled my eyes, just as the nasally-voiced woman came over the loudspeaker to announce visiting hours were over. "Just as an FYI, I wanna be embalmed and stuffed into a cushy, satin-lined coffin. Fire freaks me out."
I hugged my dad and kissed his cheek before stepping back and watching Emmett give him a brief, only slightly awkward hug.
We met Jasper in the waiting area and, without thinking, I immediately greeted him with a kiss, only catching myself as I rested back on my heels. I immediately cringed and glanced at Emmett out of the corner of my eye. Jasper was tensed, ready for an outburst that never came.
When I had the courage to actually look at my brother, he was standing with his hands in his pockets, his eyes conveniently averted to the ceiling. His eyes darted to us and he shrugged. "It's gonna take some getting used to… but I'm OK."
"Wow. Progress." Jasper snarked.
"Jazz…" I warned.
"It's OK, Sage. I deserved that." Emmett sighed. He held out his hand and I watched as Jasper hesitated for a moment, watching it as though it were a snake preparing to strike, before extending his own hand and shaking Emmett's. "Thanks. For taking care of her."
"She does well for herself. I just remind her when she has trouble remembering."
"Yeah, well…" Emmett shifted to his toes and back again awkwardly. "I hope I'll get to see that."
"Darlin', we should get going. You wanted me to quiz you a few rounds tomorrow, and you can't be asleep all day." He murmured into my hair.
I nodded. "Yeah…" I looked to Emmett again, sad that we had to leave when he and I were actually working. "Do… Do you…" I huffed, flustered by my own ineloquence. "Rose and Amelia are supposed to come for dinner on Wednesday… do you think maybe you could make it? I know you work late and all, but—"
"I'd like that." He grinned, showcasing his dimples. "I'll be there."
I smiled and gave him an awkward hug before waving goodbye and walking hand-in-hand out to the truck with Jasper.
"You OK?" he asked once we were settled in and on the highway.
"Yeah… I'm a little…"
"Surprised? Flummoxed?"
I laughed and nodded, resting my head against his shoulder. "Maybe just a little? What about you?"
He shrugged and kissed my hair. "Just worried. You know me."
"Yeah… but I think if he's making a concerted effort… really trying… then we should give him a chance."
"We?" he asked, slightly perplexed.
"Well, we're in this together, right? That means we should give him a chance."
Jasper grinned and kissed my hair again. "Yeah, we'll give him a chance."
Jasper POV
Emmett really was trying. I had to give him that, because he truly was. He showed up on Wednesday just after Rose and Amelia, having come straight from the garage, and wasted no time in getting to know our apartment and how we were living these days.
He joined Sage in the kitchen to help chop vegetables and I could hear their murmuring, but was content with the fact that Sage seemed calm and was smiling, and so I kept my place on the couch with Amelia in my lap, playing Peek-a-Boo.
"He's asking her if she'll go to Therapy with him tomorrow." Rosalie whispered softly. "It's a really big step. Even I don't know what he talks about there."
I cocked an eyebrow at her. "How come you didn't tell us?"
She shrugged and leaned back against the arm of the sofa. "He didn't want me to. I think he was scared that if he just came right out and said he was in Therapy, before seeing if he could make any progress, it would just push her further away… he's really missed her, you know? After you guys left, I think he was a little lost... and then you admitted her and he felt vindicated for a while, because he thought you weren't taking care of her, but every time I told him how great she's been doing, it just seemed to drive the point home more that he needed help." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Things have been a lot better recently." Her eyes opened and she raised an eyebrow. "You're not buying it?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, I'm just worried."
"You have every right to be."
"I want her healthy and happy. She's been making so much progress. She got into the Master's Program at Columbia."
"So you'll be moving when you graduate?"
"Maybe. Probably." I sighed. "If he's gonna do this, he's gotta be all-in, Rose. No half-assing it. He's got a lot of time to make up for, a lot of hurt to ease."
She nodded thoughtfully. "He knows that."
"I hope so."
Things did get rough for a while after that first Therapy session with Emmett, there were no two ways about it, and definitely no way around it. It took Sage a while to understand that Emmett wasn't simply trying to smear and muddle her good memories of Randall, but to try to help her understand why he'd been so angry.
Sage didn't remember things like Emmett hiding her in the linen closet when Randall came home drunk, or Emmett pretending to play Hide-n-Seek with her to keep her out of Randall's way when he'd had too much to drink. She didn't remember Emmett learning to braid pigtails or tie bows or coordinate her outfits so that she didn't look like a Dollar Store kid.
Likewise, Emmett didn't remember Randall telling them stories of how Mariah would always put him in his place when he needed it, or how she made him paint Emmett's nursery three times before the shade of blue was just right. He didn't remember Randall cheering him on at all of his PeeWee football games (of course Sage did, especially after she got clunked on the head with the ball one day and begged Randall to not make her go to any more—which he did, they just sat further up the bleachers).
And things weren't always easy. We'd begun having dinner with Rose and Emmett on Mondays, and they still came over on Wednesdays. Some days were better than others, and on the worst days, we had a Buzz Word: Rooster.
None of us ever said the damn word, so it made it easy… and it was necessary. There were a lot of hurt feelings on both sides for a few weeks, a few heated debates, and more than a few screaming matches that only ended when Rose or I called the Buzz Word. That was their signal to retreat and calm down, and they did.
They were both dedicated to it.
I think seeing Sage work her program, make progress, and be healthy was an encouragement for Emmett. They were finally communicating, and they finally both felt as though they were being heard, which was nice.
It probably also helped that Emmett, Rose, and Amelia were all staples in our weekly trips to the prison. We circulated ourselves out throughout the hour, Sage and I, Emmett, Rose, and Mimi; or sometimes Rose and I, so that Sage, Emmett, and Mimi could all have a family moment.
Once things began settling down again, the Buzz Word wasn't needed quite so much.
Things with Emmett and I, however, were moving much more slowly. It wasn't for lack of trying on his part, but more for lack of trying on mine, sadly.
We were both still as protective and defensive of Sage as ever, and obviously, some of his bull-headed attitude had rubbed off on me in the year and a half we'd lived together.
After the New Year, however, he surprised me by asking me to go to one of his counseling sessions with him. I'd been so stunned, I hadn't known what to say, and told him I'd get back to him.
When I told Sage that night, she'd simply asked if I intended to go.
"I don't know." I answered honestly.
"It's OK that you don't." she murmured softly. She was curled into my side, her head on my chest, her fingers dancing along my shoulder. "It's OK if you don't want to go."
I sighed and stroked her hair. "I just don't know what the hell he wants me there for."
She kissed my chest and propped her chin on my shoulder so she could look at me. "Jas, how familiar are you with Al-Anon and other programs?" I shrugged and she gave me a small smile, barely visible in the dark of our bedroom. "You mean all this time I've been talking about working my program, and you've been completely clueless?"
"Not completely." I admitted grudgingly.
Sage sighed and kissed my chin. "It sounds like Em's trying to work steps four through nine with you." I raised an eyebrow and she smirked. "Step Four: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself; Step Five: Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs; Step Six: Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character; Step Seven: Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings; Step Eight: Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all; Step Nine: Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
"I'm not the one he hurt." I protested.
"He hurt you in indirect ways."
I groaned and rolled my eyes. "So, basically, you're telling me I should go."
"No." she murmured, laying her head down again. "I'm telling you to think about it."
"What if I don't go?"
"Then you don't."
"Why are you so laid-back about this?"
"Why are you stressing over it?" she countered.
I shrugged. "I dunno… because it's Emmett, and for as long as I can remember, he's wished I were dead."
"He's never wished you were dead, Jazz. He might've occasionally hoped you'd fall on your ass or get junk-punched, but he's never wished you dead."
I snorted a laugh at that. "Lovely."
"You've wished the same on him, don't deny it." She yawned and I stroked her hair again and kissed her forehead.
"Sleep. I'll figure it out."
"I know you will." She whispered.
I decided to go to Therapy with him. If you asked me why, I couldn't honestly tell you, except to cite blond hair and sea foam eyes. Somehow, Sage's continued upswing had become dependent (in my mind, at least) on Emmett's continued progress.
So I went.
It definitely didn't go as smooth as I envisioned it. When Sage rattled off all those steps from memory, I assumed I'd be met with an apologetic Emmett.
Ha.
"You're arrogant."
"Wow, so glad we cleared that up." I mumbled.
Emmett shrugged. "When it comes to Sage, you're always arrogant. You know her best. I get it. You understand what goes on in her head, you know what she's thinking, how she's feeling. I get it… but did it ever occur to you that I wanted to know those things too?" I simply stared at him. "She's my sister. I wanted to be there for her."
"Then why weren't you? I was two thousand miles away for three years, then three thousand miles away, then halfway around the world."
"Because you were always there no matter what!"
"Emmett, calm down." Doctor Taylor interjected soothingly. I liked her. She was short, with dark hair and eyes, and she always seemed so calm. I had to assume all Therapists had a calm exterior, otherwise, they'd suck ass at their job.
Emmett took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute. "I tried. I tried to help. I wanted to be there for her and she shut me out. Even when she wasn't throwing it in my face, it was like she was mocking me that you would've done it better… right."
"Please tell me we're not talking about the stuffed horse again."
"It's not about Ziggy, Jasper, it's about Sage! I-I…" he swore under his breath and looked to Doctor Taylor for assistance, but she simply nodded for him to continue. "I was jealous of you, OK?"
I choked and coughed a little at that. "Jealous of me? For what?"
"We went to Galveston, and for months after we got back to Forks, everything she said had something to do with you. You shared her interests, you listened to her problems, you wrote her letters. She was so wrapped up in you. Everything was about you. And then when she finally got used to you being her friend and writing to her, she settled a little bit, but every time I made a wrong move, slighted her in some way, she ran crying to you."
"I'm her best friend, Emmett. It's what girls do."
"Sage isn't just any girl. She ran to you for protection and shelter."
"You weren't hearing her." I argued. "Emmett, do you realize I have over four hundred letters from Sage? Four hundred. I can count on one hand the number of times a letter didn't mention you… but do you know what she repeated over and over again in her letters to me?" he shook his head slightly and I continued. "I wish I could speak so that Emmett would listen. I'm just a little girl to him, and I think I always will be. I don't understand it, but I think he just doesn't like me." His face fell at that. "I know you wanted to protect her. But somewhere in there, you made it seem to her that she wasn't worth listening to. That is why she ran to me. Because she knew, no matter what, I would listen."
The session got easier from there. Emmett really was interested in making amends with me. We talked about why he'd tried so hard to break us up ("I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces if you broke up") and why we'd kept it a secret for so long ("Sage was scared of how you'd react, and of damaging the relationship you were building") and what we both wanted for Sage ("To be healthy and happy").
As we walked out of the Counseling Center, we shook hands.
"You got plans for dinner?" I asked.
We'd learned a lot about each other in that hour… I was ready to really make an effort with him.
Emmett shrugged. "Rose and Amelia are going to some Mommy And Me get together, so I figure I'll just grab something on the way."
I waved him off with a shake of my head. "Come on over. Sage and I were planning on making lasagna."
He looked only slightly uncomfortable, but nodded. "Thanks."
He followed me home and we walked up the steps to the apartment. "You do take good care of her, y'know." He sighed. "I used to hate you for it."
"And now?" I asked as I unlocked the door.
"Not so much." He admitted, though rather grudgingly.
I smirked and opened the door, shaking my head as I went. We froze inside the doorway as our eyes landed on Sage, standing in the middle of the living room, her face white as a sheet, her shoulders slumped, and her phone to her ear.
"Thank you." She whispered and hung up. She stared at us and we stared back, and a moment later, she drew in a shuddering breath and said, "He's gone." Before crumpling to the floor and sobbing.
