I don't think I have ever spent so long working on a chapter before!

I willed myself to write this slowly because I wanted/needed it to be perfect - so I hope I achieved that!

Here it is, leaving me feeling completely drained but I hope you enjoy it.

In case you miss it, after each line break the point of view of the story shifts.

Reviews for this would be lovely, good bad or indifferent, I love reading them, so thank you all!

Enjoy...


Chapter 51

"You're leaving?"

It was really the audacity of it all that got to Nymphadora Tonks. He was just going to leave and by the looks of the packed bag on his bed, Remus Lupin was going to leave without saying goodbye.

"Yes," Lupin said, looking at Tonks as if she was supposed to be all right with this.

"Were you even going to say goodbye?"

"I thought it would be easier for us if– "

"If the end of that sentence is what I think it is Remus, then you should be very careful with your words," Tonks threatened. "Because I will have no hesitation in hexing you into oblivion."

There was a very long and strained silence as Lupin stared at Tonks. It was so obvious that he truly was just going to leave, and have her find out through other means, like she had tonight through Moody. Suddenly anger filled the pit of her stomach. Was that how little he thought of her now?

"So now you have to leave the country just to get away from me." Tonks said sarcastically. "Surely I'm not that horrible am I?"

"I'm doing this for Dumbledore," he said, and Tonks glared at him, waiting for him to tell the truth. "And I'm doing this to protect you."

"Protect me from what?" Tonks asked, furrowing her brow.

"From me."

Tonks took a step back, fighting the building level of annoyance in her.

"You're being absolutely ridiculous you know that right? Everything about what your saying is completely ridiculous," Tonks said, her voice raising slightly.

"And you've been behaving like an absolute child!" Lupin said defensively, uncharacteristically raising his voice.

His eyes seemed bulge slightly after he'd yelled, as if even he had not expected his own outburst. He turned away from Tonks, running his hands through his hair a little manically.

"That shouldn't bother you. It'll be more evidence to your me being too young theory," Tonks added spitefully.

"Tonks," he said, using his teachery voice now.

It was the voice she used to love, the one that always made her want to giggle at the very thought of him as a teacher, the one she liked to tease him with. But now, well, now it made her angry. It made her want to hit him or hex him, whichever came first. How could he be so stubborn? How could he possibly believe it was the right thing to do? And how on earth could he possibly rationalise the two of them?

"I've told you, it's not just me. It's them. You know as well as I do what these men are– "

"Remus they're not men. They're dangerous, inhumane, cruel and even savage beasts. But– "

"They're men just like I am," Lupin interrupted in a steely tone of voice that echoed hurt and disrespect.

Tonks wanted to rage at him again; she knew if she took a step towards him she really would hit him this time. So she stayed rooted to the spot, seething inside. Was he really that daft? Didn't he understand how amazing he was?

"No they're not Remus," Tonks stated plainly. "You're not like them"

Lupin looked away from her. In the blink of an eye his age seemed to catch up with him. It was as if the light had left his eyes. The playful air about him and the distinctly Remus like spark had completely vanished, lost in the tapestry that hung in the Department of Mysteries. So much of Tonks' life had fallen through that tapestry, in that long graceful fall. She would have given anything to have it back. She would have sacrificed the two of them, to have the old Lupin back, but there was nothing she could do. All she had was the shell of Lupin, and the hope that someday the old Lupin would return.

"I'll think you'll find once a month I am exactly like them Dora. I don't condone was Greyback has the pack doing, but I am one of them. I merely had the opportunities they did not."

His tone was cold, and Tonks knew she'd taken that step too far and insulted him. She also didn't miss the renewed use of her first name. He always failed to understand how the werewolf aspect of him was a tiny portion of something so great and spectacular. She had never, and would never, see him in her mind as a werewolf. He was merely a man with an almost manageable problem. It was the message she had been trying to get through to him ever since he'd started with the whole breaking up nonsense. Tonks took a deep breath and dropped to the bed, trying to think of what to say.


Remus Lupin stood, and watched Tonks drop down onto the bed, knowing, in his own mind, that things weren't going well at all. Why, whenever he tried to do the right thing, did it always come back to bite him? He should have known she would ruin it. That she would find some absurd way to make this harder than it already was. Even as she sat there, gathering herself together Lupin assumed, she still seemed bright and so unlike the many things Lupin could never be. Because he had never been allowed the chance. What he wanted to do was stop talking. He wanted to stop arguing and wrap himself up in her until they couldn't remember their own names or that this beautifully wonderful thing that was once them, now belonged in the past. And of course that it was his fault, if she could forget that, things would be marginally easier.

"I didn't mean it that way, but they are like that Remus, even outside the full moon and you're not," Tonks muttered in a very small voice that half frightened him, even more so when she finally looked up at him. "You're human Remus. You're smart and wickedly funny and sneaky and kind and just about a million other things that I adore in you. You're not like them, that's what I meant. You're more of a man than any of them could ever hope to be."

Lupin couldn't help but feel flattered, even if it made no difference to his decision or what he was going to do. He knew she didn't say it just to flatter him, she was being honest and serious, and she was never serious. He didn't think Tonks had been serious for more than a day in her whole life. When he thought about it, that was what he liked about her most of the time, and that, among other things was what he would miss. The wisecracks, the laugh that warmed him up from the inside out, and the smile. The smile he seemed to be wiping from her face as the minutes progressed between them. She was still staring at him, her chin tilted up like the fighter he knew she was. For a fleeting second, Lupin hoped to Merlin he'd survive this battle long enough just to walk away in one piece.

"Tonks," Lupin sighed, breaking their stare, as he couldn't bear to look into her sparkling eyes for a second longer. "I think it's just best if we let this go."

"What the hell does that even mean? Let it go?"

"Just that I," Lupin paused, not knowing what he even meant at that point. "I can't do this to you anymore, it's not fair to you."

"Why can't I decide what's fair for me?" Tonks shot at him, her eyes alight with fire again, and her hair growing obscenely red.

"Because it's not up to you, not for this," Lupin said, seeing the holes in his reasoning already.

"Well that sounds fair doesn't it?" Tonks asked, sarcasm leaking from her words. "Are you going to be honest at any point and tell me what this is really about, or are we going to dance around this duty and loyalty thing for the next few hours? Not that I mind, I just want to know so I can get some Butterbeer or something."

Lupin stared at her blankly. He didn't know any other reason. She gave him a twisted smile from her seat on the bed.

"You can stare all you want, but I know what's going on. This is about the same thing as Valentines Day. You're ashamed of me. You don't have to lie Remus, just be honest maybe."

Lupin could feel the shock rippling through his body.

"No," was all he could utter.

How could she possibly think that? Didn't she know what he thought of her? Had she gotten everything completely the wrong way around in her mind?

"It's not about that. It's never been about that and you should know better than that," Lupin said, dropping his voice with his pity.

"You should know better," Tonks uttered in a very angry small voice.

Her voice frightened him again. Once again it was small, but for the first time it sounded controlled and nothing about Tonks was ever controlled.

This was not going well at all.


It was absolutely and completely absurd and Tonks knew it was taking everyone ounce of her strength not to hit him. How could he say things about fairness and knowing better? What in the hell did logic and reason have to do with love? There couldn't be anything less involved than that. Tonks knew that, she assumed everyone in the world did, but somehow, Remus sodding Lupin didn't. How could he rationalize something that had made the two of them stay up until sunrise, just lying in each others arms, or wipe pasta sauce on each others faces for the fun of it, or yell at each other and hate each other in the way the you only could with someone you wanted to be with forever.

"Look Tonks, this is for the best. You know it is, even if you won't admit it," Lupin said.

"Stop talking about me like I'm a child," Tonks spat, almost questioning why she was begging someone to stay with her when he said things like that.

"You do know Tonks," Lupin said, this time he was begging. "You deserve someone– "

"Someone I don't want?" Tonks interrupted, her anger getting her back up on her feet.

"Someone better," Lupin sighed, looking away to avoid her.

Tonks took a few steps towards him.

"But I don't want someone better. I don't care; I'd take you however you came; Centaur, Dragon, Ghost, Vampire, whatever it was. I'd do it Remus, because I love you and I don't care about anything else."

Lupin seemed to stare at her for a lifetime, or perhaps that was because Tonks had laid everything, including her heart, on the table, so the seconds stretched out to lifetimes of torture that decided her fate. No matter what, Tonks didn't think she'd walk out unscathed. She had extended every limb, grasping for him in the dark, and she didn't know if she had grabbed him yet. There seemed to be so much pain and so much anguish in his eyes, that Tonks forgot how mad she was, and got lost with him. She was getting angrier, but only with herself. She knew, however ridiculous his argument was, part of her was seeing the truth in it, and she had to fight hard against that little voice inside her. He looked away for a split second, and when their eyes connected again, she knew this was it.

"But you should, that's what I've been trying to tell you. Dora, don't think about now; think about the future. Think about what would be ahead of you. You would be an outcast, you could never have children in fear of what they may become, and you would lose everything. You would not get the life I know you deserve," Lupin explained, his voice shaking with the effort it took to control it. "Please Dora, please just understand."

His last words echoed through her ears. She finally did understand and it almost knocked the wind out of her. It was such an un-selfish thing for him to be doing. She couldn't yell at that. She couldn't tell him he was an idiot because of his reasoning, though it was stupid. It was the opposite of the reason for her anger, this was not about him at all, it was about her, just like he'd been saying all along. It was completely un-selfish in every possible way. She nearly needed to grab onto something to steady herself. She dropped onto his bed, what had been theirs moments before, but was now so distinctly not. The ice beneath them, the ice that had been steadily getting thinner as they spoke and argued, had finally broken. There was nothing left to do and nothing she could even say to fix it, she was going to drown in the freezing waters below. She felt her scalp tingle. He was never going to relent and he was always going to leave, she couldn't stop it. She'd lost him, she'd lost him the night in the Ministry, she just hadn't wanted to admit it. She felt her hair grow a few inches without her commanding it to do so, and her entire body seemed to grow cold in a second. The atmosphere within the room had changed so drastically, that it could only be associated with a freeze.


Lupin watched her fall to the bed again, but this time, he knew the fight had left her. Her hair reverted to the mousy brown he'd seen some mornings and it fell limp, surrendering just like Tonks had. She looked so small and so defeated, so different to the Tonks he knew and it was starting to make him hurt. Pain was searing through his chest just at the sight of her. He knew it shouldn't do it, he shouldn't be her source of hurt and comfort, but he couldn't help himself, not when she looked the way she did. Her hair had flicked mousy brown, but the sadness in that was no match to the look on her face. She seemed to shrivel the tiniest bit, as if her body was conceding defeat as well. He assumed this was how he'd looked that night he had finally let everything out to her; it hurt him more to think she was hurting like that. So it was with that thought that he had to do it, he had to help her like she had helped him. He knew he shouldn't have been pulling her up off the bed and he shouldn't have been wrapping his arms around her, finding the niche that felt so comfortable and right. He knew he shouldn't, but he was and Merlin did it feel right.

"No," Tonks mumbled, her voice cracking as she struggled to pull away from him.

It worried Lupin slightly to hear just how different her voice had gotten within the few seconds he hadn't heard it. There wasn't the same amount of feistiness in it. She sounded as if she truly had given up.

"No, you can't do this," Tonks said again, still struggling to pull away.

Lupin didn't know if she meant him leaving or him holding her, but it didn't matter, it applied to both. For the first time, at least since the Department of Mysteries, Lupin didn't listen to his head. He let his heart win, for what seemed like the last time it ever would. He threaded his hands through her mousy brown hair and lifted her chin up, so her face met his. Before he'd even had the chance to think about the consequences, Lupin's lips met hers. He'd expected her to fight him off again, but she almost fell into him. Just like the million times before, Lupin felt his entire world rearrange with her kiss.

Images flashed through his head, each one more detrimental than the last. The Christmas party with her parents, her asleep on the table as he'd played chess, reading to her in the library, holding her in front of the bathroom mirror after Bellatrix had escaped, flying above London together, the bubblegum that had irked him so much, her uniquely wonderful way of infuriating him to the very core but making it better with just a kiss, the night under the same invisibility cloak outside the Department of Mysterious, dancing together, laughing with her during their secret rendezvous at Order gatherings, the disaster that was her cooking and catching her that very first time she had fallen over the troll's leg. Lately, that had all felt like part of another world he was no longer attached to, that was until their lips had touched. It had all come rushing back the second their lips had met, as if there was no more separation between the worlds, and she was the key.

He remembered very vividly their very first kiss. It had been a few floors below where they were now. Often he wondered if back then he'd known what he was getting into when he'd done it. She was this cute little pink-headed thing that he'd taken a liking to, and he had just had to kiss her. She had captivated him; like she was something foreign that he desperately needed to understand. He remembered the feeling he'd had when those lips had first touched his, it was the feeling he had right at the very moment as well. It was almost like some kind a pulse had been running through him. It had matched the novels Lily had made him read, those terrible muggle romance novels, but when he kissed Tonks, everything felt right, just as those books had described.

More than her kiss, he thought about her. Her unwavering kindness and compassion, the way she made him feel things he deemed impossible and the way she brought out a side to him he never understood. Tonks made him feel different, she made him feel alive and she made him love. Her arms slid up his back, so that she was holding him there, preventing his escape. How could she not understand that he didn't want to do this? That in spite of the completely rational argument he'd put forward to convince her, and in essence himself, that the thought of walking out of the room and no longer being part of them, actually made Lupin feel slightly sick. That the thought of her with another man made him want to scream. Though he never would.

The other man, who ever he happened to be, would give her what she deserved; he would be everything Lupin wasn't. He wouldn't burden her, he would protect her and he would be the luckiest man in the world. Lupin hoped that man would understand just how lucky he would be. Without a shadow of a doubt Lupin knew one day he would have to face Tonks, smiling, laughing, and holding hands with another man, see the life he could have had, but never imagined until her, and he would smile at them. He would have to smile while part of him broke apart, because he loved her enough to want what was best for her; he loved her enough to lose her to that.

It was that thought, the thought of her with her boyfriend, and then eventually her husband, the thought of everything he would miss and what this new man would gain, that caused Lupin to pull her silly little Weird Sisters T-shirt over her head, lower her down onto his bed and not think about the consequences.


Tonks could feel her head swirling around, as confusion seemed to grip her completely. Never had she felt so conflicted in all her life. Lupin was lowering her down onto his bed and part of her wanted to slap him and walk out, but another part, the part that had melted when his lips had touched hers, could think of nothing more than that was happening, and what was going to take place. It was frustrating and distracting, but nothing could truly take her away from the lips that had begun their descent down her neck. It all felt fresh and new again, like they were going to be inventing this act again for each other for the first time, though Tonks knew this was not a first, this was a last. Before that though could truly take a hold of her, and break the thread she felt like she was dangling from, a pair of strong hands slid up her ribcage, making a beeline for her bra clasp.

He was holding her so perhaps she would not escape, one hand around her waist and the other round her neck. It seemed strange for him to be holding her so tight, to be so worried of her escape, when that should have been her job. But perhaps that was it, he was afraid of her escape in this moment when he needed her, even more than she needed him. Her skin goose-bumped under his touch, and Tonks had to bite her lip to stop the sound from escaping her mouth as Lupin's lips traced her collarbone. How she had underestimated Lupin's hands, right from the start. In fact she had underestimated him completely. Never had she expected that a man like him would be able to do what he did to her. He pushed her well beyond the barriers she had made for herself with previous partners. It added to the mysterious quality in him, the part she had questioned so often after their first night together. Where had he learnt to use his hands the way he had? But tonight she did not question anything.

His mouth came back to hers, and like a choreographed movement, Tonks's hands moved to his shirt. In the absolute moment ruining capacity it had, her fingers refused to cooperate with his buttons. They fumbled over each one, wasting precious time, as it was counting down for the two of them. She managed to get one undone before she gave up entirely and reached for the bottom of his shirt, lifting it over his head instead. For a second she thought she saw Lupin give the smallest of mocking smiles at her, and usually Tonks would have stopped and annoyed him because of it, maybe even laugh with him, but not now. This time she didn't think she'd be able to stop for anything.

Their eyes met as Lupin brought his face back to her, hovering above her for a second. She could feel her eyes begging him not to leave, that she wouldn't survive without him, and she didn't want him to go, but it only hung between them, awkward and unwanted, but present. Tonks opened and closed her mouth, wanting more than she ever had before, for the right words to just pour out of her and stop what she knew he was going to do in the morning. But they don't. Again and again she searched for the right words, but it only made her heart stop and her blood run cold as the realisation of what was to take place later really started to hit home. Lupin issued a soft soothing sound as he placed his hand around the nape of her neck and slowly brought her mouth back to his.

Instantly the understanding that bad things in the world even existed floated away. Lupin had always had that effect on her. How ironic that in the moment she would need to forget the bad, he was not only the cause but also the withdrawer of comfort. Her fingers moved slowly down his marred frame and found his belt, removing it in record time. She undid his trousers, before he removed them himself, and then he moved onto hers, peeling them off her and kicking them away to join his own the floor. His mouth moved to her neck, warm and soft, and as he moved down to her breast, his stubble burning delightfully, Tonks had to bite her lip again.

His long fingered graceful hands moved down her torso, sliding down her ribs and tickling her stomach, bringing back the goosebumps. Lupin stopped in front of her hips, his hands hesitating over her underwear. Very slowly, as if perhaps she was now dangerous, and maybe she was, Lupin removed her knickers with two fingers in one smooth motion. They fell together and joined the rest of their clothes on the floor. It was a beautiful mismatch of the subtle tones of Lupin's and the bright and loud of Tonks', a match that would not fit the mould, but somehow seemed perfect to those who mattered.

The palm of Lupin's hand came to rest between Tonks' legs, pressing against her softly and then firmly. Still, even a year later, he always managed to surprise her with something new. Something that made her head spin and pushed her boundaries further. By now Tonks even wondered if she had boundaries anymore, maybe she just had signposts of the places they'd travelled the last time. Just as Tonks was about to press back with her hips, his hand moved away. She felt him tracing the topmost parts of her inner thighs. His mouth moved down her stomach, fueling the epic sense of warmth that was building in her groin, threatening to explode and take her with it.

There was a pause, a long drawn out moment of no movement that seemed to heighten all sense of anticipation, and coupled with a loud exhale from Tonks, Lupin pressed one finger into her. The warm sensation did not explode, but it spread. It spread high up into her lungs as Lupin moved inside her. Tonks' eyes were shut, but she could feel something different. His mouth was moving near his hand, pushing her beyond all recognition. Instantly Tonks stopped thinking, hearing and she couldn't see. She could only feel and what she could feel was somewhere between the most intense pleasure mingled with some kind of pain, because that level of pleasure hurts so much to hold onto, because eventually it had to stop.

Tonks let out some kind of noise, something in between a moan, a sigh and whimper, and in doing so she let in a small intake of breath. Somewhere in all that had transgressed she'd simply forgotten to breathe. The point of no control was looming, the barrier of pleasure and pain was blurring and the tipping point of too much and not enough was just too close for Tonks to bear.

"Remus," Tonks moaned, resigning herself to him completely, forgetting about barriers and vulnerability, none of that mattered anymore.


It was amazing to Lupin that he could actually have her make these sounds. Each time was an effort to convince him he was actually able, and each time he felt like he waited for the sign that he had failed, yet it never came. She moaned his name and it almost sent shivers up his spine. Her body twitched and reacted to him like a puppet that only he could control. He knew how to make her move a certain way if he touched one spot at a particular time. He moved his mouth back up and began moving across her breast again and he could feel her hands interlink through his hair, pulling it that little bit too hard when he touched the right spot on alternating breaths of hers. It was almost scary that he knew how to drive her over the edge when she seemed like such a mystery to him in every other way. As he moved his fingers inside her, he couldn't help but memorize the warm pressure.

But she is Tonks, and she was never content and never kept still long enough. With one last cry, Tonks had moved out from underneath him and pinned him down onto the bed. She met his stare only for a moment and then she kissed him again, long, deep and passionate, the kind of kiss you only hear about but never actually seem to have in your own life. She, this small funny little creature, was overpowering him completely, keeping his arms by his side with her kiss and her uncommon strength. Like all the other times, he could easily have over-powered her and done things his own way, but he was never selfish, and when her mouth moved to his neck, he had no thought in the world of stopping her.

She moved to his chest, using her hands as well. Then came the strangely familiar pattern she traced, the one she always seemed to touch, the one she seemed to enjoy, but he could never have wished for anything less. His scars, the things she traced, were horrible. They were grotesque reminders of what he was, how close to the surface his curse was and why this beautiful thing that was Tonks and himself could no longer continue, yet she showed compassion for them. The very first time they lay together as the sun slowly rose outside, steadily turning the room a picturesque pinky orange, she'd traced them, she'd kissed them and she'd studied them, perhaps to better understand him, he'd never asked why. At first he was shocked by her care for them, he had never seen them the way she did. They were not a part of him he liked, he felt violated and vulnerable, but she made them seem beautiful. She made sure to kiss the bite mark on his shoulder each time, applying loving affection to what made him, him.

As her fingers moved between each scar, occasionally making his body twitch if she got to close to the sensitive areas on his body, he closed his eyes peacefully. Peace had not been something he'd had lately, but Tonks brought it to him in that moment. She continued on her silent, though that was strange enough for her, protest that he should not be ashamed of what he was and that these lines made him unique. She did not think of them of reminders of the creature she was with, but believed them to be beautiful. If it were just she and him, he would believe it; she would make him believe it. But it wasn't; there was an entire world that proved her wrong. Though, in that moment, Lupin did believe it.

He hated himself for not wanting to stop. Everything about her felt different, better, though Lupin had never supposed it were possible for anything to be better, it had seemed perfect already. Her delicate pale skin seemed softer, her kiss seemed sweeter and they both seemed to melt into each other like they were never going to be able to break apart, like they were two parts of one whole. Then it happened, the one burning consuming motion, that was almost too good it made Lupin that little bit fearful. She had surprised him again and taken him inside her when he'd barely been concentrating. So very Tonks-like.


It couldn't just be an accident, Tonks had always known that. It just couldn't be an accident that they felt so right and fit together so perfectly. She shut her eyes as she lowered her hips again, memorizing exactly how it felt with him inside of her. Her tipping point was back, though it seemed much larger this time. How was it possible for him to do this to her? There never seemed to be enough and at the same it seemed like far too much. Contradiction seemed to have ruled the two of them, so it was fitting that it ruled them now. How could he possibly want to leave this? There was nothing like it in the world. Everything she had shared with Lupin was unlike any in her life. It was frightening and wonderful, great but damning. His hands held onto hers, and his eyes had hers and with anyone else it would have been awkward, but with Lupin it was magic.

She brought her lips to his, and near millimeters away from his mouth, his eyes snapped open. His big dark blue eyes, gateways to this remarkable man's soul, stared deep down into hers in the disarming way they always did. She didn't know what they were looking for. Forgiveness perhaps? She knew she could never forgive him, and when their mouths finally met, a frantic clash and teeth and tongues, she couldn't believe it more. Their hips moved in tandem, causing Tonks to slam her eyes shut. Again her other senses fell away and her sense of touch heightened. She could feel each piece of her like it was ice slowly being thawed by the fire building inside her. Each piece melted, until she was nothing but a million individual pools of liquid with no hope of ever again coalescing into anything resembling her. She moved to bite her lip, and then Lupin did it for her.

They were something beautiful together, and Tonks knew that nothing could pull them apart but their own fear. Suddenly she couldn't think at all, Lupin had her at the small of her neck and her lower back and then, he rolled her over onto the bed.


Again Lupin wanted to speak, but he didn't. He let his thoughts seep into her skin, to be carried away to her, in the vain hope she would understand them, that she would not hate him. He wanted to tell her he knew he wouldn't survive without her, but he didn't and he couldn't. He couldn't hurt her anymore. He can't make her promise never to stop fighting for them, because he never wants her to stop, though his head would make him believe he did. Tonks let out a small sound and Lupin could see the muscles in her body beginning to twitch. As their hips begin to thrust sharply, Lupin could feel the nerve endings in his body that he never thought existed were now alight. His skin felt like it was burning as he followed the curves of her body with his hands.

Lupin could feel her body shivering and tightening around him; he could visibly see the muscles in her neck working as she issued sounds that struck deep into the core of him.

"Remus," she whispered.

His mouth moved back to hers, silencing it with a kiss, desperate in it's inception, but passionate by the end. He moved, biting her neck and all along her shoulders, leaving tiny pink, some even blue, marks in his wake. They were silent reminders of him, so that she couldn't forget him as quickly as she should. It was spiteful and even cruel, but Lupin couldn't help it. Once, he was himself, alone, whole, independent and determined, but now, there had been too much tragedy, and too many losses that he didn't know if he could even stand up without her. Either he couldn't remember how, or perhaps he just wouldn't be able to anymore. They were two parts of a great and wondrous whole and he was sure survival as a half would not work.

He could feel the pulling from deep down in his navel, and there was the uncontrolled spreading of warmth within him. He was stuck somewhere inside this wonderful contradiction that was the two of them. His muscles began to curl and the fire inside him intensified and he could feel it in her as well. Together they made sounds that only float up into the ceiling and twist into the darkness that had been creeping up on them the moment he'd told her of his intentions. She said his name again, and it pushed Lupin further past the point he thought he'd reached. With one final broken thrust he came, as did she. His muscles curled and released, his body felt sensitive, dependent and happy, because it was still part of her. Her mouth found his instantly, hot and soft, and then they collapsed together.

Her hands managed to find him again, and they moved along his sweat glistened skin in the most calming and peaceful way. He couldn't remember feeling like this and without truly thinking, Lupin wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest, so his nose could rest in the back of her hair, smelling the wonderfully flowery scent that was almost intoxicating. She held onto his hands that were around her stomach tightly and were it anyone else; desperation would have flagged up inside his mind. But it wasn't. He knew that she did not need him. Somehow that made leaving more difficult.

There was a beautiful stillness that settled over them, and in it, Lupin found his truth. He couldn't drag her down with him, not when what had just happened was such a display of how much she had left. He'd had his chance with the world, though never given a proper start, and he had only seen hardship and heartbreak, and he would not do that to her. He swallowed hard, fighting the sadness inside him that threatened to break. There was no promise of victory with him, only the belief in the fight.


Tonks could feel it, long before she thought even he had. She knew what had happened hadn't been an effort to convince him to stay; she would never had slept with him if she'd thought of it that way. She wasn't that type of girl. No, she was fully aware that this was actually some kind of goodbye. She wasn't delusional or sappy enough to believe otherwise. That still didn't mean she wanted him to leave, but she could feel him thinking. His mind was always ticking over, and even though she wasn't facing him, thus unable to see the crease he usually got between his eyebrows, she knew he was thinking. She could feel it in the way he held her. He was thinking about how to leave and it made Tonks's heart sink. Perhaps he assumed leaving after she fell asleep would be best, she knew that to him it would probably seem kind, though it would be malicious and beyond painful for her. Suddenly Tonks didn't feel like being kind to the man who would do this to her.

"Just go," Tonks said without really thinking before she spoke.

There was a degree of harshness in her voice that she hadn't quite expected.

"Just go if you're going to."

She felt Lupin's body tense up behind her, and the arm around her froze. He made no effort to move or leave, he'd obviously been waiting for her to be asleep.

"I'm not going to make this easy for you. If you want to leave like nothing happened you're not just going to sneak out while I'm asleep. Obviously this all meant nothing to you anyway," Tonks added spitefully.

"Don't," Lupin uttered in a small voice, letting her go and sitting up.

She could tell exactly what the 'don't' inferred just by his eyes so she looked away. They were trying to make her believe that she did mean the world to him, part of her knew that, but part of her, the very bitter upset part, couldn't. It was the part that made her snort in response to what he'd said, however cruel it was. She wanted to see him hurt like she was; she wanted to see him limp out the door, just as wounded as she would be. There was a long tense silence as Tonks didn't turn to face him.

"Fine. Whatever. Go then," Tonks mumbled, trying to stop her voice from cracking as she fought the swirl of misery that was forming in her chest.

She felt him leave the bed and as he moved over towards the side she was facing, she watched him put on his own trousers. Then he turned back to her and their eyes met for a second, but she looked away. He looked confused and hurt, and his eyes were burning, but staring at him made her want to cry, and she was not going to dignify his actions with that.

"I'm glad you're taking it so well then," Lupin said slowly and in a steely tone of voice.

In a second the anger left her chest completely, deflating her like a balloon. It was then she felt the hurt and the pain, it seared across her stomach like a knife.

"Remus," she whispered.

She wanted to tell him to stay, she wanted to tell him how she didn't think she'd survive without him by her side anymore, but she couldn't, the words seemed to clot in her throat and get lost in all that was happening inside her. She desperately tried to hold it together, but she could feel her scalp tingling and the burning sensation behind her eyes was getting worse and worse. She sat up, wrapping the sheet around her naked frame.

"Remus," she said again, much quieter than before, but far more desperate.

She didn't care about not trying to look desperate, or that fact that she was in a completely vulnerable position, she just wanted him back, she didn't care about saving face anymore. He turned around and their eyes met. She saw it again, the unchangeable truth buried deep within his stare, he was leaving, and instantly she felt her heart shatter.

"Tonks I– "

She pulled her legs up to her chest and looked away, not able to bear what was coming her way this time. Defeat had never been her friend, and she felt like she was losing herself in this battle, as well as him. He stopped speaking and then she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her. They both fell back down into the bed together and their mouths met, hot, wet, and needy. They breathed together, both wondering whether they'd truly will be able to do so again without each other


It felt like he was bracing himself for something. Like he should have been gritting his teeth or something to that effect. All Lupin could do, was shut his eyes as he pulled away from Tonks, who'd long been asleep in his arms. Perhaps he thought if he didn't see it, it wouldn't have happened, but maybe it was because he didn't want to see the after effect of what he'd done. He turned back to see her, only because he was a glutton for punishment, and she seemed so small wrapped up in the bed linens. It was easy to forget with Tonks just how small she was, that she was indeed breakable as she was so big, and so large a person, that it never translated.

So he continued to stare down at her small frame, and it seemed wither in the darkness though he was sure he had to have imagined it. Lupin didn't know why he was still there, he should just leave now that he had the chance, but he couldn't. His eyes dared to look at her as long as they could, because within the walls of this room, they still existed, the moment he closed that door, he closed it on them. The empty hollow feeling he'd begun to associate with Sirius was back, and his heart seemed to beat faster the more he looked over her, following the curves of her body with his eyes.

He wanted to say something to her, to whisper something in the darkness, but what? I love you.He couldn't say that, he wanted to, because it was true, but he couldn't. It felt like too much for her to deal with and it was too much for him to say it out loud anymore. He wanted to tell her to forget him entirely, that she'd be fine and he'd hate her for it, but he didn't. He looked down for his shirt, and found it interwoven with Tonks's. Even his clothes seemed to love her, they seemed to love the floor they were all on and by comparison seemed that much duller as he picked them up. Perhaps the whole world would feel duller now.

When he was dressed, he looked back over her once more, though this time his hand was on the door handle. He was poised and ready, but leaving felt impossible. He wanted to whisper goodbye, but he didn't want to wake her, his head, now that he'd finally started listening to it again, told him what he'd just done with her was stupid enough, making her watch him leave would just be torture. His heart said something else entirely, but Lupin wouldn't allow himself to listen.

He slowly opened the door, and took a step away, feel his breathing go shallow. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, only allowing himself one last glance at the beauty of her and the loss of the part of him she found and brought out so wonderfully. He'd been cold, hungry, tried, sick and lost, but nothing felt close to the pain of losing Tonks and Sirius. Then he turned walking out the door, noting that she did not cry, though not at least until after he closed the door.


The two were separate, living, breathing and facing life alone, though one would not fully understand that until she woke. Perhaps it wasn't something that was meant to stand the length of time; perhaps their destinies only intertwined for a small amount of time and then carried on alone. But one thing neither could deny was the feeling. The feeling that this was much more than it could have been, that they were leaving something unfinished. For one brief moment they were happy. Nothing in the world could have touched them in the bubble they'd created with secret meetings and stolen kisses. However, it had been done, it had now burst.

The death of Sirius played on both their minds, one more than the other, but the danger of the missions ahead stood in the way of them. Tears had come and gone, just as the winter had passed and summer approached them. Perhaps they weren't the type of couple that people wrote stories about. Time and books would long have forgotten them, but they loved just as any before them and any after. It was a great love, a true love, a first love and a last love. A brief period of perfection before the world allowed it no more.

Somewhere miles away, so far removed from what was happening in the bedroom, there was the dawning of another era. Scrimgeour not Fudge, and now Tonks without Lupin, both seemed right and one seemed completely wrong. The night would push up day, the sun would rise, and what would come was the new era, the burst bubble and the struggle. There would only be two halves left, Lupin without Tonks, and the feeling that never again would either be completely whole.

To be continued…