Author's Note: I wrote this oneshot while on vacation, but I didn't get a chance to finish and publish it until I got home today. So, here it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Also, I am not parodying the real-life ancedotes that inspired the book/film Memoirs of a Geisha. This is an original work of fiction.
Japan, 1932?
It was a sunny day somewhere in Japan, as young Kazuma Miyafuji was showing off his six-pack at the river.
"How do I even have a six-pack in 1932?" Kazuma – who was fully clothed – asked as he held up a six-pack of beer. The cops then arrived at the river.
"Give me that. Teenaged boys shouldn't have that stuff," Smoker said as he grabbed the six-pack and threw it into the river, where it exploded on impact.
"I wasn't even going to drink that! I was going to show it off for no reason!" Kazuma cried. Smoker rolled his eyes like a teenaged girl.
"Anyway, I think you should hurry on home. Isn't your mom dying?" Smoker asked Kazuma.
"No. But, YOUR MOM is dying," Kazuma retorted. Smoker glared at Kazuma.
"Come with me, little boy. Your father sold you to a geisha house in Kyoto," Smoker explained.
"What the fun times?! My dad's too awesome to do that!" Kazuma cried. Smoker looked Kazuma in the eye as if Kazuma was a new pack of cigars Smoker bought.
"Listen here, son. Your father, Dracule Mihawk, did some bad things – Selling marijuana, driving under the influence, not seperating paper from plastic, feeding live animals, tazing a guy who took his Subway sandwich, jaywalking, murder, arson, the works. Since he has tons of community service to do, Sir Crocodile will make you into a manly geisha," Smoker explained.
"A manly geisha?! Bro, geisha's aren't supposed to be manly! Why won't you let me be staight?! I love this one girl, and –" Kazuma cried before Smoker cut him off.
"Save it for the World Series," Smoker said. In town, Mihawk was doing community service, which consisted of reading books out loud at a hipster coffee shop.
"…And, then, Katniss Everdeen and Master Roshi defeated the giant Cthulhu that was holding Sheldon Cooper hostage. They went back to Hogwarts in their Tardis, and they did shots with Nepeta Leijon, Jon Snow, Gale Hawthorne, Irene Adler, and Ichigo Kurosaki. All was well in the land of Narnia," Mihawk read from a book titled Katniss Everdeen and Master Roshi do Things.
"Not hipster enough!" A drunk Lucky Roux yelled from the back.
"Needs more unicorn juice!" An equally drunk Magellan yelled. In Kyoto…
"Welcome to my crib," Crocodile – who was dressed as a pimp – welcomed Kazuma and Smoker as they entered Crocodile's pimped-out geisha house.
"Here. This kid is not my problem anymore," Smoker explained as he pushed Kazuma inside.
"Can we have a fruity rumpus party?" Kazuma asked really derpily.
"No, mah boi, this is not a fruity rumpus place. If you want a fruity rumpus place, please go next door to Doflamingo's brothel," Crocodile explained as he pointed to a large, pink building. Sexy disco music was blaring from the pink building.
"Jegus…" Kazuma muttered.
"What did you say?!" Crocodile yelled as he pulled a shotgun out.
"I said 'jeggings'," Kazuma said. Crocodile glared at Smoker.
"Smokie-Smoke, please leave," Crocodile requested. Smoker lit up his 57th cigar of the day.
"Okay. I was going to go arrest Gecko Moria for his pirated porn anyway," Smoker said before he stole a balloon from a little girl and walked away.
"Now, Kazuma, you're here, because your dad did some bad things and he wanted you to be a slave to gay, crossdressing geishas," Smoker explained tenderly.
"He sent me away to crossdress?! What the hell?!" Kazuma cried. Finnick from The Hunger Games then climbed into the room through a window.
"Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes," Finnick said before he jumped out of the window. Kazuma sweatdropped.
"I didn't know Finnick Odair had diabetes," Kazuma commented. One long makeover montage later, Kazuma was now cosplaying as Madoka Kaname.
"So, are you feeling like a geisha?" Crocodile asked Kazuma.
"Why do you do this to me?" Kazuma asked as manly tears streamed down his face.
"Because somebody said so."
Gareth entered the room. He was cosplaying as Homura Akemi.
"Hey, it's Gareth! The cool guy!" Kazuma yelled.
"Charmander! Char!" Gareth yelled like a Charmander. "Anyway, why are you here?"
"My dad did bad things," Kazuma explained. "Oh, by the way, Gareth, can you help me get out of this place so I can elope with Yuki-Rin?"
"You'd have to ask Enlai for that. Why? Because he's got Chinese Swag," Gareth explained. "As for me, Kartik broke my swag earlier."
"How did Kartik break your swag?" Kazuma asked Gareth, whose face darkened.
"Let's not go there…" Gareth said. "I mean, why did Kartik eat the last of the Nutella?"
"This was all over Nutella?" Kazuma asked Gareth.
"Heck yes, it was. Now, if you excuse me, I have to steal some card thingie so I can get some more Nutella at Wal-mart," Gareth said before he ran off. He then tripped.
"I warned you about the stairs!" Every single OC ever made for One Piece shouted. Kazuma sighed and headed upstairs, where Enlai was sitting on a golden throne. He wore a Chinese emperor's robes, and fat!Alvida and Lola were fanning him.
"Yessssss?" Enlai asked, exaggerating his greeting for no reason.
"How do I get out of here?" Kazuma asked the Chinese guy with Chinese Swag.
"Hasn't it ever occurred to you that you could just leave? Even Heathcliffe could figure that out, and he isn't even in this oneshot!" Enlai ranted.
"Heathcliffe's not in this oneshot? Why?!" Kazuma cried.
"He's too busy giving his girlfriend sloppy make-outs, Homestuck-style," Enlai explained.
"What about Holden and Soren?" Kazuma asked.
"They got too caught up in playing Rock Band and they're ignoring you," Enlai explained.
"Daisuke?"
"Why would he be a geisha?"
"Rubio?"
"He ended up in jail because of a bar fight. You can pay his bail if you want."
"Wolfgang?"
"Hell. To. The. No," Enlai stated. "Listen, all you have to do to get out of here is to walk out of the front door, no questions asked."
"Well… Okay," Kazuma said with a nod of his head. "Are you coming with me?"
"I can't. I'm, like, the head geisha that isn't Crocodile. Plus, if I leave, Shitty Katsuragi may take my job," Enlai explained. Kazuma sweatdropped.
"Just go. If you leave, then you will never have to see Wolfgang again," Kazuma pleaded. The two grew silent.
"Brofist! That's the best idea ever!" Enlai said before he and Kazuma fist-bumped.
"Let's go get donuts!" Kazuma said before he and Enlai left the geisha house.
"Hey, get back here! You're supposed to become a geisha!" Crocodile yelled.
"Screw you, man! Shitty Katsuragi can be a geisha in my place!" Enlai yelled.
"I'mma gonna go elope to Vegas with Yuki-Rin, okay?" Kazuma said before he and Enlai walked away from the geisha house like the cool bros they are. A few minutes later, Yuki-Rin arrived at the geisha house.
"I'm here to pick up Kazuma Miyafuji. He said something about eloping to Vegas," Yuki-Rin told Crocodile. Crocodile sighed.
"Don't ask me," Crocodile said.
Ending Note: Review if you want to see crazy things such as Crocodile adopting a pet toaster, Spandam helping Nojiko with her knitting, or if you want to see Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper do some fun sciene experiments that may or may not involve GLaDOs.
