Sidney's side came out of me so quickly. Angelia's is a little more complicated and you'll see why soon ...


It's another lazy morning sitting on the dock fishing. The sun is warm so Sam is curled up sleeping beside me and I periodically stroke her fur while I hold the rod. All I've done for the last week since the series with the Flyers ended is fish. I sit out here on the dock and fish and think. We won the fourth game in the series by a seven goal margin and took it back to Pittsburgh. We were all on fire for that game and played with a desperation I've never experienced. We barely won the fifth game by one goal and went into the sixth game reinvigorated for another win. The sixth game was brutal from beginning to end. Flower fell completely apart and we didn't do much to help him. They beat us by four goals and then our season was over. The complete and utter collapse of the end of our season will be talked about for a very long time. The more I think about it, the more confused I get and the more pissed off I get.

I get pissed off because I can't find any answers to why we tanked it no matter how many ways I look at it or think about it. Since I'm finding no answers there, that means that I have to think about my last conversation with Angelia. Our argument, when I got home from Philly, was the last time we spoke. I still can't believe she came after me the minute I walked in the door. After having one of the worse games of my life, she came after me with how bad my behaviour was on the ice. Like I really needed that from her after Mario had already ripped into me. I thought that she understood. I thought that she understood me and what I needed from her. What the fuck? I still don't understand what happened. I came back the next day, after practice, and she was gone. All of her things, clothes, toiletries, books, everything was gone. It was almost like she never lived with me; it was like I had never met her, never had her, never loved her. She left two things on the bed: my tee shirt that she wore to sleep every night and the engagement ring. These are the only things that tell me that we ever were.

As I sit here on my dock, in Nova Scotia, last season feels like a lifetime away. It just ended a week ago but it feels like a lifetime. I wake up in the morning here and wonder if I dreamed it all: the concussions and neck injury; the agony of coming back, going off and coming back again; meeting, loving and losing Angelia. Then I hold the tee shirt to me, the one she wore every night, and I smell her unique scent. That's when I know it wasn't a dream; but, right now, it does feel like a nightmare. I'm alone on the dock with Sam. There are even places here that were once my sanctuary that remind me of her. I took a walk at the beach with Sam and remember how we almost made love out in the open on the sand. I went for a burger at my favourite diner and Helen asks me why Angelia isn't with me. I can't even find solitude here.

Suddenly, Sam raises her head and runs up the hill barking. I turn and see mom greeting Sam and then she continues walking down the hill. She sits beside me and sighs. "Sidney, I've given you space for the whole week now and it's not working. We've seen you every day but you're a shell of yourself. I know you aren't my happy, sweet boy anymore but you aren't yourself either. I've tried to leave you alone, your father has almost had to tie me up, but enough is enough." I look at her surprised. Mom never talks to me like that; if I need a shit kicking, it's usually dad who does it. "Sidney, you need to answer a few questions. Where is Angelia?" Shit, I know that mom won't leave until she gets her answers. I guess it's time to fess up. "I don't know where she is mom. That's the truth. We had a fight, a big one, I left the house for a few hours and when I got back she was gone. She took all of her stuff with her. I've called and texted her but she has never answered or responded. I even called her sister but nothing." I'm close to tears. Mom knows it and I know it. We sit there in silence for while just watching the water.

After a while, mom asks me "what did you fight about?" I sit there and think back over the fight we had. "Mom, I keep replaying it over and over and I just don't know what happened. We've only really had two fights ever. I don't remember the first one that well. She was telling me how bored she was and didn't have much to do. This one was worse. It was after game three of the series. She freaked out on me about the fight with Giroux. I walked in the door and she was on me immediately. I relied on her like I've never relied on anyone before and she just turned on me. It was brutal mom."

Mom is quiet for a few minutes and then she says "Sidney, I love you but you are a very difficult person to live with sweetie." I stare at her. She has never said anything like that to me before. Of course, mom never lets me get away with much but she's never been quite that blunt with me before. "What are you talking about mom?" She takes a deep breath. "Honey, have you thought about this from Angelia's point of view. Ang did everything possible to support you. She cooked and cleaned, did your laundry and took care of your house. She gave up her career for you where she is at the top of her field in the world. She even researched and found new doctors for you. This led to your new diagnosis with the neck injury that led to you're playing again. She gave up everything for you, she did it because she loved you and didn't begrudge doing it, but she still gave up her life to be with you. What did you do for her Sidney? The money and things never meant anything to her. What did you do for her? Did you even look at things from her point of view? Were you really that selfish?"

First, I'm stunned, absolutely stunned. I've never thought about it this way. Was I really selfish? "Mom, am I really selfish?" She gets up and sits on the arm of my chair putting her arm around me and answers "in the best possible way, but yes. You've had to be that way Sidney. Look at what you've done: you are the best hockey player in the world and that has taken a certain amount of selfishness." I look at her and what she is saying makes sense. "That's where it ends though Sidney. When you share your life with someone, you need to actually share lives, not just your life, and it needs to be a give and take. You were the taker but how often did you give? How often did you consider her perspective of put yourself in her shoes? It's time to grow up sweetie." When she finishes, she gets up, gives me a kiss and says "think about what I said Sidney and I'll see you for dinner tonight – don't bother arguing, I won't take no for an answer."

I watch mom walk away and think about what she has said. I over the past year and the conversations we've had. They were usually about me, my health or playing hockey. The first fight, when I thought she was calling me stupid and boring, I should have realized that it wasn't about me. Angelia was trying to tell me that she needed more. I was even mad because she was keeping things from me. Why would she ever tell me anything if I always behaved so badly in response? How could I have been such an ass? I can actually feel my heart ache for her. I absently rub my chest now. I completely screwed everything up. I screwed up my come back. I screwed up in the play offs. I screwed up with Angelia. How did I get here? How am I going to get her back?

I have to be in LA in a couple of weeks to begin training. I haven't been able to properly train in two years and this is my opportunity to get into top physical shape. There's going to be about twelve of us on the ice and Andy is coming out to train me off ice too. I should be excited. I should be really excited. All I can think of is Angelia. I wish I could find her but she's not returning any of my messages and her sister is ignoring me too. I've even called Geno to see if he's heard of Mariah and he hasn't heard from her in a couple of weeks. Vero says she doesn't know where Angelia is but I think she does and won't tell me. I feel lost. When did hockey become 'not enough' for me? Since Angelia, that's when. Angelia has opened my eyes to the kind of life I could have where hockey will always be of great importance but won't be the only thing. We moved so fast and all the focus was on me and my health. I never stopped to wonder how I could help her. I never stopped to think of what she needed or how I could support her. God, I'm such an ass. Maybe she needs more time. Maybe I should wait a little while and give her some space. Of course, I still need to find her before I can beg her to come home.