"I cannot forget you, that is what humans say. With us, it is a state called tu-fira—lost in another. It can consume us, in case you are in the same pain, I want to say… you have only made my life better. You gave me you, Kolyat… even the Omega 4 relay made me feel… purposeful. We are alive, Siha. And when we are not, I will meet you across the sea."

The message ended. She kept replaying the messages, over and over. Especially the part where he said "I love you". Tears streamed down her face, not sad tears, it felt more like relief. Like she was in so much pain that hearing his voice, and watching him, made her feel better.

It was the morning after the party. She heard a few groans and moans as her friends all stirred. She knew she should probably head down and tend to her guests, but all she wanted to do right now was keep staring at Thane's vids. Nothing more. Finally, she put the datapad down and let the tv turn off on its own.

She kept hoping for a response from Kolyat; she was a little worried about his coughing. Naturally, she assumed he was starting to contract Kepral's Syndrome… but she received nothing. Not one word since the day of the memorial.

Sluggishly, Joan dragged herself into the restroom to wash her face and brush her teeth, trying to erase all traces of the tears that were rolling down her face. She stared at her reflection for a moment. The dark circles under her eyes were getting darker. Her red hair was faded into a light pink. Her ice blue eyes looked tired. But she smiled, knowing that one day, she will see him again.

She made her way out of her bedroom. Kaidan was the first to notice her walk out of her room, "Hey, Shepard."

"Hey, Kaidan," she said, walking down the stairs, "You sleep well?"

He shrugged, "About as good as it gets, would have been nice to have some company."

She smirked, awkwardly, "Yeah, I suppose so; where's Miranda?"

Kaidan looked around the apartment, "Oh, I think she mentioned something about heading back to her 'special project', whatever that is. She said she would contact you if she found something on Kai Leng."

"Good," she said, "I think we should make some breakfast and coffee. You good to help?"

He smiled, "Of course."

She and Kaidan both bonded a bit as they made breakfast for their friends, "You still cook awful."

"C'mon, Shepard, I do the best that I can," he chuckled, trying to remove the egg shells that fell into the frying pan.

"Here, let me get that," she said, slightly pushing him aside. She was aware that his eyes were on her, "Is something on your mind?"

"Just… admiring," he answered. Their eyes met for a few minutes. He leaned in towards her and planted a kiss on her lips. Just a small peck.

She was feeling a little dim. Completely astounded at his actions. But even more flabbergasted that she wanted him to do it again.

"I'm sorry if that caught you off guard, I had to do it, at least once," he said, mixing the eggs in the pan and avoiding her gaze.

"Good morning kids," Wrex shouted, "Just so you know, human food makes my stomachs feel awfully gassy."

"Well, it's all we had," Joan smiled.

The rest of the crew started pouring into the kitchen, all of them with awful hangovers, filling their mugs with hot coffee and downing aspirin. Well, the humans at least.

"Well, Shepard, it was a good party, but I'm heading out," Garrus said, "I have some—obligations to attend to."

"I have to go too, Shepard," Tali said, practically jumping out of her seat, "Goodbye."

One by one, all of them started pouring out of the apartment.

"Goodbye, Cortez. Keep Vega out of trouble," she said.

"Relax, Lola, I am a good boy," he winked.

She shook her head and shut the door behind them. She turned to see the apartment, which was still a mess. To her surprise though, Kaidan was there, picking up trash in the dining room.

"You don't have to do that, Kaidan," she said, picking up bottles that were left on the floor.

He scoffed, "Everyone else left; I figured it was the least I could do."

Joan nodded, and threw the bottles in the trash. It took about two hours, but they both managed to get the place clean. She plopped down on the couch and Kaidan sat a few feet from her, handing her a bottle of water, "Thanks for the help."

"Anytime," he said, taking a drink from the bottle. He looked down as he started, "How are you doing, Shepard? Really?"

She breathed in deeply, "It still hurts; I have nightmares. But it gets just a little easier every day. Just a little. And those are on good days."

"You really loved him," he said. It wasn't a question, more like a fact.

She nodded, "I still do. I always will."

"And… me? How do you feel about me?"

Joan sighed, "I will be as honest as I can with you, Kaidan. I THINK I still love you, I will never forget you. But I love Thane, with all my heart. He's not someone I can just forget. I know what you want from me; and I don't know if that's something I can give you. At least, not fairly. Because in the back of my head and in the deepest parts of my heart I will always be thinking about him. It's—it's not fair to you."

She watched as Kaidan took in the words she just said. He moved closer to her and grabbed her hands in his warm palms, "I understand, Joan. I don't mean to put you in these positions. But sometimes, I can't help myself when I see you. At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy… even if that means you not being with me."

His forehead touched hers, "Forgive me, I have to do this… one last time. And I won't ever do it again. It's just me being selfish, but please, let me have this."

Joan nodded and she felt his soft lips push against hers. Her mouth opened slightly and she felt his tongue inside of her mouth, massaging her tongue. It wasn't Kaidan she was kissing… it was Thane. And she was suddenly lost in his kiss. Filled with insatiable yearning. She wanted to feel him again. She pulled him by the collar of his shirt and he was suddenly on top of her. His hands tracing her waist. She started to lift his shirt, her hands pressing on his hard stomach.

And just like that, he pulled away from her, "Wait… What are we doing?"

Joan sat up, feeling embarrassed and ashamed of herself, "I—I don't know."

"You just told me that you still loved Thane, and how being with me would be unfair," he said, sitting back, "This isn't right, Shepard, kissing you is one thing but having sex with you... It would feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," she whispered, mortified. Tears started coming out of her eyes, "I didn't mean for that to—I don't want you to think I'm playing with your heart. That's the last thing I want to do."

He pulled her in for a hug, "You're lonely. I get it."

She didn't say anything, and neither did he. She just laid there in his arms, and he stayed there, comforting her. Not speaking one word. Her eyes were tired after all those tears, she was vaguely aware of sleep creeping up on her.


I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for a fact, Siha.

Joan awoke with a jolt. It was evening. She slowly sat up and found that she was alone in the apartment. Kaidan must have left when she was sleeping.

Great fucking job, you idiot. Why can't you keep your fucking emotions in check?

She groggily made her way up the stairs and into her room; stripping off her clothes, she dipped into the hot tub in her restroom, letting the hot water soothe her muscles. She watched as the rest of the dye on her hair slowly washed out.

Thane wasn't far from her mind. All she could think about was him; without him, she wasn't sure if life was worth living. She had never loved so deeply… so passionately. Her hands went to her tummy. She wasn't sure how far along she was when she… terminated. So, even now, she wasn't sure how far her pregnancy would have been.

Regret washed over her. But she knew that with the mindset she had, the mindset of not wanting to live, that this was the best solution. It was selfish. She should have fought harder for the sake of her child, but at this point, she was tired of fighting.

She found herself thinking about Kaidan, and how much he loved her. It was all confusing; she knew she still loved him, probably not as much as Thane. But she knew it was there. She didn't want to give him any hopes and not follow through.

Maybe I should move on. Thane's gone. My life is gone. I don't even know if moving on would be worth it…

"Hey."

Her eyes flew open as she turned to see Kaidan leaning against the doorway, she wiped her face, "You're back."

"Yeah," he said, "I went to get some takeout; and a fresh change of clothes. Figured I needed it."

She looked him over. He wore a black t shirt, untucked, and blue jeans, "I thought I scared you away."

"It takes a lot more than emotional distress to scare me, Shepard," he chuckled, "I'll wait for you out there."

She sighed and stood up from the hot tub, feeling a little cold now that she was out of the hot water. She pulled a robe on, went to her bedroom and quickly got dressed; pulling on some blue shorts and a white tshirt.

Kaidan was looking at a photo on the piano when she went downstairs, "I was a little jealous of him."

He was holding the photo of Thane, when she saw it, her heart fluttered a little, "Why?"

His eyes met hers, "Because he had you."

He placed the frame gently on the piano, almost as if handling him with care, "I never wanted to break up with you. In fact, I wanted the opposite. But when you were with Cerberus—you were a soldier. Dedicated. It confused me. I should have stayed with you, supported you. Something."

"It's all in the past now, Kaidan," she said, walking towards the window, staring out at the passing cars, "I harbor no resentment towards you. We moved past it after Mars."

"We did," he replied, standing next to her, "And it's something that still bothers me. I didn't want to do anything with you earlier because it would have been wrong. But I find myself wishing I would have kept going."

"I'm still thinking about him," she said. His face sunk a little, "But, I also find myself thinking of you too. My thoughts surrounding you aren't clear. I can't guarantee you a relationship. I can't promise you that I will love you the way I loved Thane. I've—I've done some things that would make you think differently of me. I'm not the same person you fell in love with, Kaidan."

He stood directly in front of her, grabbing her hands, "You will always be the Shepard I fell in love with. No matter what life throws at you, you persevere and come out stronger. That's what I've always loved about you. Things may look dark now, but they will get better."

Kaidan put his hands on her cheeks; he slowly pulled her in for a kiss. Their lips moving in sync with one another and he drew her in, his hands on her waist. Her mind was blank at this point; she did her best to ignore the image of Thane crawling into her mind. She pulled off his shirt and he lifted her towards the bedroom.

In her mind, all she wanted was the company; she did her best to convince herself that she was still madly in love with Kaidan. But her heart was telling her otherwise, and right now, she chose to ignore her heart and give in to human temptations. Not caring if it would have consequences in the end.


A/N: Forgive the extremely late chapter. But anyways, what do you all think? Love it?