A/N Slowly but surely they are healing step by step.
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Anna awoke feeling like she hadn't really slept at all. She had meant what she said to John the other day. It would have been much easier to work on reconciling if she didn't have school to deal with as well. Not only was it hard to concentrate on anything but thinking about her next conversation with John, the worst part was that people knew that's what she was thinking about. They all either thought she was crazy, or they felt sorry for her, and she didn't really know which one bothered her more.
She agreed to have lunch with Gwen and Jane and as soon as they sat down, Gwen started in on her, "So? What's happening? What have you decided?"
"Jeeze, Gwen," Jane interjected, "give the poor girl a chance to take a drink or something."
Gwen shot Jane a look, "I've been waiting all day. I think I've shown great restraint."
Jane looked to Anna and shook her head.
"Well?" Gwen said again.
"Well, we haven't decided anything yet. He's going to stay the weekend and we'll see how it goes."
"So you two are going to try to work something out?" Jane asked very neutrally.
"Do you think that's stupid of me Jane?" Anna asked sincerely.
Gwen was incensed, "Why do you ask for Jane's opinion and not mine?"
"I already know your opinion, Gwen. You've made it very clear." Anna was sort of teasing her best friend but she was also a little serious. Jane was usually the most rational, least emotional of the three of them. "Jane?"
Jane took a deep breath, "Well, why don't you tell me why you want to give your relationship with John another try."
"Okay," Anna hesitated and thought, "Last night John said he wished we were married…"
"He proposed?!"
"No Gwen," Anna sighed, "he said he wished we were married because he knew I would give a marriage more than one chance."
"Like he gave you more than one chance?" Gwen broke in again.
"Gwen, hush. Let Anna talk." Jane shot her another look but she wasn't really angry. She could understand Gwen's desire to protect their friend. "Go on Anna."
"Well he's right. If we were married I would at least let him try to make things right."
"Because you love him or because you think you should? You don't have to do anything just to be nice."
"Finally you're speaking sense."
Anna ignored Gwen and continued, "You think I'm being too nice?"
Jane shook her head, "I didn't say that, but you do tend to give people more than their fair share of credit. You even gave Vera the benefit of the doubt for a while. You always try to, as you say, 'act in a way that let's you be proud of yourself'. And that's a good thing, truly it is, but it doesn't mean you can't protect yourself if necessary."
Anna was quiet for awhile. What was her motivation for trying to work things out with John? She thought it probably was the 'right thing', the way to 'act like an adult' but she also had to admit that the relationship she had with John, or at least the one she thought she had, had made her the happiest she had ever been in her life. If John really did regret shutting her out and saying he didn't trust her then didn't she owe it to herself to try again?
She looked up at her friends, finally ready to answer, "Yes, I still love him. I know people think I shouldn't. I know Gwen doesn't, my parents certainly don't, at least not my uncle, and Joseph tells me every chance he gets that its just as well John and I split up. But I do still love him, whether I should or not."
"So can I ask you something else?" Jane asked.
"Yes."
"Why not just fly into his arms the minute he finished singing?"
Gwen couldn't keep quiet any longer, "What kind of advice it that? After he stomped on her heart and treated her like crap?"
"I'm not saying that's what she should have done. I'm saying there's a reason that she didn't. What are your reservations? You must have some, or the two of you would already be back together. You say he's keen."
"You're right Jane, I do have reservations."
"So what are you afraid will happen. Why are you hesitating?"
"I guess…." Anna paused, "I guess I'm afraid that he still expects me to be perfect. I'm not perfect and I've never pretended to be. I don't want to walk around on eggshells all the time afraid to make another mistake, waiting for something I've done to disappoint him again."
"Then that's what you need to tell him. You need him to convince you that he loves you for who you really are, not some fairytale image he has of you."
"And I want to know he trusts me," Anna continued.
"Tell him that too. Tell him those are your conditions. He has to somehow show you that he trusts you and loves you whether you're perfect or not. If he can do that then I think your relationship will be a healthy one."
Anna closed her eyes and sighed, "Thank you, Jane. I needed those questions to clarify my thinking." Anna got up and hugged Jane tightly.
Gwen gesticulated in Anna's direction, "What about me?" she teased.
"Oh, poor Gwenny!" Anna said as she moved around the table to hug her too. "I need you both of course." She looked to Jane, "My subconscious," and then she looked at Gwen, "and my bulldog. I feel very well taken care of." She was truly smiling for the first time in weeks.
"Does that mean I can still kick John's arse if he does anything to hurt you again?"
Anna laughed, "Yes, Gwen. That's exactly what it means."
John was still preparing dinner for Anna when she got home that night. She went into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, picking up a piece of carrot and popping it into her mouth.
"You don't have to keep cooking for me you know. I'm not going to make you my slave or anything."
"I don't mind," John turned from the stove and smiled, "Feels like old times."
He hadn't meant to imply anything, but Anna got a slightly worried look on her face which John couldn't help but notice. She began to set the table and John turned his attention back to their dinner; neither of them spoke for a few minutes. John hated this new found awkwardness between them; he had to remind himself to be patient and give Anna time to trust him again. If he wanted to win her back for a lifetime he had to do it moment by moment and day by day.
"How was your day?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.
"It was okay. I had lunch with Gwen and Jane today," Anna didn't elaborate.
"Oh? And what did the three of you talk about?" He desperately wanted to turn and look at her but focused on his cooking instead.
"They wanted to know what I had decided."
John did turn toward her now, "And what did you tell them?" For a brief moment John hoped this was Anna's way of telling him they were back together, but he tried to keep his anticipation in check. He was trying to remember what Rob had said about playing his cards carefully. He couldn't afford to pressure Anna in any way.
"I told them I didn't know what I decided yet. That we would see what happened this weekend."
"I bet Gwen had a few choice things to say about that," John smiled ironically. "She hates me now."
Anna disagreed, "She doesn't hate you, John. She's really mad at you, but she doesn't hate you. She could never hate you." Anna suddenly felt shy and looked at the floor.
"I hope she's not the only one who could never hate me," John spoke quietly.
"I don't hate you. I sort of wish I did, but I don't."
John turned and stepped toward her, "Please don't say that Anna," he moved forward but Anna turned to the counter, picking up the dishes and going into the other room.
As they sat down to start dinner, Anna continued the conversation, "Jane really helped me sort some of my thinking about what I want from our relationship."
"That's good," John tried not to sound nervous. He waited for Anna to speak, taking a fork full of food. When he finished he asked, "And what are you thinking?"
Anna took a deep breath. This was the turning point. She intended to lay out her conditions, if that's what you could call them, and then it was John's decision whether or not he could live by them. She hoped she would be strong enough to leave him for good if he didn't. She hoped she would never have to find out.
"I love you John and I want us to be together. I want that more than anything in the world."
John wanted to be happy at her words but Anna didn't look happy at all saying them. She looked sad and tired, exhausted in fact. "Go on."
"Jane asked me why, if I still love you, I didn't just take you back."
"And?"
"And I'm afraid, John."
Her words were like a dagger to him. To think he ever made her feel that way. He spoke gently, "What are you afraid of? Tell me."
"I'm afraid you don't trust me. I'm afraid you're just waiting for me to make another mistake and then you'll leave again. I can't go my whole life being afraid to make a mistake, John. I can't do it and I shouldn't have to."
"No, you shouldn't have to," he said sadly. "Anna, I do trust you. That's what I was trying to say by giving you back the key and the credit card. It's funny really," he smiled wistfully again, "I said I didn't trust you, but I do, and I can't make you believe me because now you don't trust me. Karma's a bitch."
Anna chuckled despite herself. John always had a way of making her smile regardless of the circumstances.
"You know I'm not trying to punish you."
"Oh, I know," he brightened slightly, "you're incapable of something so petty. You're just trying to protect yourself and I'm glad. Honestly...if we were just friends and you told me some other guy had treated you the way I have, I'd kick his arse and tell you to never see him again. I know I'm in a terrible position but I've learned my lesson. I love you and I don't want anyone but you for the rest of my life. This is it for me Anna, win or lose, you're it."
Anna's eyes misted over, "I want to believe you John, I want to so much. But even that, even what you just said, makes me sound perfect and I'm not. I'm as flawed as everyone else, but because I'm not as screwed up as Vera you have this image of me that I can't live up to. I made a mistake. I sent those pictures somewhere where someone was able to leak them. I didn't do it on purpose but I did it. And sooner or later I'll slip up again, and until I do and I see you don't end things I'll never know, will I?"
John threw his head back and ran his hands across his face, "Oh god Anna, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. How could I ever screw things up this badly?"
They sat quietly, neither one knowing what to say. After a while John looked up with his boyish grin, "Would it help if I told you all the things about you that aren't perfect?"
"No, Mr Bates," Anna replied just as cheekily, "I don't think that would help at all."
John stood and pulled Anna from her chair. When she stood before him he put his hands gently on her arms, "Anna, I've said I love you and you've said you love me. Surely that has to be enough for us to move forward."
"It is if we move together, John. Only if we go together."
"I made a terrible mistake, but being apart from you convinced me that I never want to be apart again. I heard what you said; you feel I don't trust you and I hurt you by not trusting our relationship. Not trusting that if we're angry or disappointed with one another we have to find a way to work through it together. Anna, I'm telling you that I am more committed to you now I was then."
"You said you wanted to marry me," Anna said in disbelief, "how can you be more committed now?"
"Before," John sighed, "before, I thought I wanted to spend my life with you. Now that I know what it's like without you, how awful and lonely and empty it feels. Now I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And that's worth any sacrifice, any compromise, any hardship that could possibly come my way. If you feel that way too then let's heal our relationship day by day and step by step, each one knowing the other will never leave. If not," he dipped his head, breaking their eye contact, "if not, if it's already too late for that, then let me know, and I'll go and never bother you again."
"I don't want you to go," Anna said quietly.
"Then let's try Love. Give me a chance to prove to you I'm telling the truth."
Anna didn't say anything, she couldn't, so she just nodded her head. John pulled her into his embrace and was overjoyed when he felt her arms circle his waist as well.
"You know," he whispered into her hair, "I wanted to give you back the saw with the credit card and the key. I wanted to show you that I'll never use it again so I don't need it. But then I realized, not having the opportunity to use it isn't the point. The point is to have it in my possession, to have the power to use it, and for both of us to be confident I never will. I'm confident Anna. Not because I'm magically cured of my temper and immaturity, but because I'm aware of them and I'm interested in getting help." He looked at her again then, "You are my 'pearl of great price', and I'm never going to lose you again."
"Thank you, John," Anna said. She raised herself up on her tiptoes and kissed him softly on the cheek. She didn't know if it was the 'right thing' to do or not, but she didn't care. It was what she wanted to do and she was so, so tired of over analyzing everything. She would be cautious, but she would not be cold. She broke eye contact and sat back down. "We'd better eat, it's getting cold."
