Welcome to the I Should Really Be Studying But I Decided to Do This Instead Theater! Woot!

In this chapter: angst! romance! personnal growth! (or is there? DUN-DUN-DUUUUUN)

I'll be honest: not my favourite chapter. I kinda feel like I'm rushing certain points before we get into Full-Blown Save The Universe mode and then I'll have no time for quiet moments. That, and my characters have feelings and those are the worst.

So anyways, enjoy! ^_^

XxX

She is smoking a pipe, a safe distance away from me. The blue smoke curls around her nostrils.

"Have you given up so soon, my little sorceress?" she asks, calmer than I would have expected. "Or have you decided to die now and spare your friends? Or, what do you call them now… your family?" She snorts derisively.

I take a deep breath. "I want you to stop hunting me," I say. She freezes, and her fingers clasp around the pipe like claws.

"You think I will spare you because you asked me nicely?" she snarls, glaring at me with red eyes.

"Only temporarily," I amend. I know our problem will require a more permanent solution than that. "There's something I need to do, and I can't do that if I have to worry about you catching me at any moment."

"Oh? And what is this thing that needs more doing than your death?" She can't hurt me here, she knows that now, but her body leans forward as though she is about to pounce.

"We're going to try and save the universe," I reply without a shred of irony. She backs away, slowly.

"Ah," she says, bringing the pipe back to her lips. "From that man with the power to create two bodies from one, I suppose?"

"I… how did you…?" I stammer, surprised. How does she know about that?

Her red eyes narrow. "Did you honestly believe that someone of my power wouldn't notice his fiddling about? He took the souls of one of my toys away before I was done with them," she mutters bitterly. "And all the breaks he's been producing! Before I could barely hope to cross over the world-barriers once. Now I think I will be able to chase you very far indeed." Her smile is all teeth.

"Is that a no?" I ask, now more annoyed than anything. So many things seem unimportant when compared to Sakura's death and Fei Wong's plans. Including the ramblings of a woman who can't hurt me yet if I don't want her to.

"Hm. I quite like this world, to be honest. Stripping it bare and starting all over again doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. And while I would be very cross if you were to die by his hand rather than mine, I suppose the end result would be the same."

"Thank you," I say sarcastically.

She puffs out some smoke. "Better you than me," she replies. "If a god must die, let it be the weaker one."

"You're not a god," I can't help saying. My heart starts pounding as soon as her gaze turns to me again, and I know I've said the wrong thing.

"What was that?" she hisses, and dives for me with her claws out. I push her away before she can reach me.

She shatters.

For a moment there stands not a woman but a small girl covered in golden bangles. Her glare is indignant.

"Listen," she snarls and it is the woman again, back so quickly I might have imagined the girl. "I will relent until the soul-stealing man is dealt with. But when I catch you, and I will, I hope you will be prepared because I fully intend to have fun with you." I'm shaking now, but I manage a reply.

"Deal," I croak. The last thing I see of her is a puff of blue smoke and a single blood-red eye.

XxX

"Alright, up you go," a voice says as hands paw at my arms and shoulders in an effort to lift me from the scorched earth in which I have made my nest. I keep my eyes determinedly closed and grit my teeth. I don't want to face the real world just yet.

"She's just exhausted," I hear Imaike-san say to an unspoken question. Everything sounds so far away.

"Yes, it must have taken all her energy to accomplish this," someone replies angrily.

A silence follows.

"Then imagine what it took to contain it," the doctor says. Something lifts me, and I fall back into darkness.

XxX

When I wake up, my eyes are still wet. I don't open them. There is a safe place here where Sakura isn't dead and I don't want to break down over seeing her again. But I had to, if we are to save Sakura. I had to let her in just this once, to tell her. I wouldn't have been able to handle this new quest knowing that she might appear at any moment, and that we would have to flee or fight or be killed. I wouldn't have been able to handle it if anybody else died because of me.

Still, her voice resonates in my head and I am trembling like a child.

She almost touched me.

"How are you feeling?" a voice asks above me. Kurogane.

"I…" Doubt hits me for the first time. That man's voice was so angry… "Did I hurt anyone?"

"No. You controlled it." The answer lifts a weigt from my chest. Still, I want to sob.

"I'm sorry…" I sniff.

"It's okay; you're new to all this magic stuff. You did good." I don't tell him that's not the only thing I'm sorry for.

I open my eyes. The light is lower than it should be. "How long?" I ask, lifting myself up. We're in my bedroom, with the doors open to the breeze. I can see the crater I created from here. My throat tightens.

"Just a few hours. You only missed one meal." I turn to face the ninja, with his impenetrable expression staring out the door.

"I talked to her," I admit hoarsely.

He glances my way. "Who?"

"The woman in my dreams. I got her to stop chasing me until this all blows over." My lip is shaking, but I am keeping the tears in so far.

"You said she couldn't get to you anymore!" He moves towards me, and I can't tell if he's angry or just concerned. With Kurogane, sometimes there is no difference.

"I let her in," I reply. I have to keep calm about this. If I look scared, he won't let this go. "I had to. So we can all get Sakura without worrying about running all the time."

"Did she hurt you?" he asks, his hands already searching my scalp. I can see his eyes scanning me for injuries. I want to tell him that it doesn't work that way, but I just push away his hands.

"No," I answer plainly. She almost touched me. Just the memory of it makes me feel sick.

"But she almost did," he replies, staring hard. I swallow the burning lump in my throat.

"I can handle her."

"Idiot," he grunts, and I am enfolded in his arms. "You didn't have to do that."

"I did," I protest feebly. It's all I can manage to say. "For Sakura." And I'm crying again, I can't help it; no screaming or fire this time, just quiet, painful sobs.

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was the only one who could have stopped her from dying, and I didn't.

"At least you told me," Kurogane says, focusing on the wrong thing again. It doesn't matter if she hurt me or not, because I let Sakura die.

Still, I don't tell him that. He's strong and he's warm, and he's grieving too – that's all I need right now. I need someone who isn't going to blame me for what happened above the cherry tree, or for the destruction in the gardens, or for simply existing. Someone who can make me believe, for just a moment, that I'm more than just a shield to be tested and shattered.

XxX

"I brought you both some food," Fai says as he enters the room. He doesn't bother trying to smile, because that would just be a disaster.

Then his eyes meet mine and he seems to relax just a bit. "It's good that you're awake," he says.

"Yeah," I reply. I'm hungry, I realize. I reach for the plate of rice and vegetables before Fai has a chance to lay it on the ground.

"What took you so long?" Kurogane grunts.

"I put Mokona to bed," he answers, brushing his hands against his robes to dispel the rice sticking to his fingers. "Poor thing, he's exhausted."

"Hm," I say, my mouth full. The food is bland, but it's filling.

"You must be pretty tired too," he tells me. I shrug.

"M'fine," I mutter. There's an awkward silence as Kurogane debates whether to say it or not. I guess he will. He couldn't just leave this alone and not drag me into another screaming match over whether I was right to put myself in potential danger for the sake of the entire universe. Then I might actually feel useful for once.

"Where's the kid?" he says instead. I stare at him. Is he staying quiet about this?

"I don't know," Fai says sadly. "I suppose he's somewhere on the rooftops." He glances at me for confirmation, but I ignore him. Not only is he a lying bastard that knew everything from the beginning, but Kurogane isn't telling him. Is the ninja on my side for once?

"Are you sure you're alright?" Fai asks me. Still staring puzzlingly at Kurogane, I sit back on my haunches.

"Yeah," I say. "Never better." I'm only moderately better than the ticking bomb I was this morning, but what's the point in worrying him if even Kurogane's keeping quiet?

The rest of the meal is spent in relative silence. Apart from the ninja asking Fai if he's eaten anything already – to which Fai retorts with a vague "I've had enough" – there is no sound but our chewing. It's overwhelmingly, shockingly normal.

It feels like nothing should be normal anymore now that Sakura's gone. There's a gaping hole in my chest that no amount of food is going to fill, and yet I keep eating until the quite substantial plate is empty.

"You said Mokona is sleeping?" I ask. I want to talk to the Witch before we leave.

Fai nods.

"Do we have any idea when we'll be able to go?" I continue. He shrugs.

"Yuuko-san said it would be a few days still."

I look outside to the dying light. Days until I can do anything. I might go crazy until then.

I stand up. "I'll go get some more food," I say.

"You're still hungry?" Kurogane asks.

"Sure," I shrug. "You want anything? Sake, maybe?"

"No thanks." His answer surprises me. I thought for sure he'd want a drink at a time like this.

"What about you?" I ask Fai. "You haven't had anything since yesterday." He seems stunned by my question.

"I didn't think…" he stammers, looking down, "I mean, so soon after… You must be tired right now." So soon after you blew up like that. So soon after you nearly killed someone because you failed to save another. How's that for irony?

"He'll drink from me tonight," says Kurogane, slurping down the last of his meal. "Don't worry, I'll make sure he does."

"Thanks," I say. Just before I leave the room, Fai reaches for me.

"Aisha…" His fingers brush the inside of my wrist, right on one of my scars. I stop.

"Mm?"

"It's okay, you know – what happened out there. It's hard to know your limits at first."

"Mm. Yeah. I'll remember that," I mutter, pulling away.

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

I head out towards the kitchens without another word. I don't want to talk about what happened at the pond; it happened, it's done, there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to live with the fact that my tantrums are deadly from now on.

I circle wide around the central courtyard. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to look at cherry petals again, but not right now. I can still see her body fraying away if I close my eyes.

I hate you, Sakura. I can't even hope that you're hearing me, because I know better than to think your soul is still out there somewhere. Still, some small, irrational, angry part of me hopes you do.

I hate you for dying, and I hate myself for letting you do it. And I hate you for lying to us all this time, and for throwing your life away, and for how you treated Syaoran-kun, and for making me sleep on the couch so many nights. I hate you, and I love you, and if we do find your body I'm going to slap it so hard that all your other selves are going to feel it through time-space.

Finally I just stop on a terrace overlooking the garden to watch the sunset. The colours are beautiful, bright oranges and soft blues and deep purples saturating the sky.

I wish you were around to see this.

I can see the shion I planted lining up the path. Their leaves dully reflect the sun's fading light.

I pick at my scars, searching for some fresh enough to scratch off. It's not fair.

Skin and dried blood peel off my arms, sending the fresh blood trickling down. Even when I find a new family, that one starts to die too.

I think the saddest thing is that I can't even find any more tears to cry over you.

XxX

I spend hours on that terrace, starring up at the sky; watching its colours fade into darkness and the stars appear one by one like cold, bright jewels. This started out as such a bright day, and now it's an earily peaceful night. And somewhere in the middle of it Sakura died and I lost control and now we're off to save the world.

I wish I could sleep for a century or two. Maybe then the world wouldn't be so messed up.

My nails are still scratching at my arms, almost reflexively now since there's not much left that wasn't already torn off. I pick off the scabs as they form, and there are blood splotches on my sleeves. I'm a complete mess, and I still can't cry a single tear.

Am I heartless?

Everything is too normal. I'd like the world to scream at me until I can find the strength to scream back and obliterate it. Then Fei Wong wouldn't be a problem any more than the Black Lady would, and we wouldn't have to get Sakura's body back.

But I suppose that would be tantamous to quitting, and I promised Gran I wouldn't do that.

The moon is just a sliver tonight, a razor-sharp scimitar in the black sky. I swear I could poke myself on it if I could just reach high enough. Or maybe it could prick a hole in the sky and all the stars would come pouring out and we would all drown in stardust.

You hear that Sakura? You're making me visualize a sparkly apocalypse. It sounds like something Mokona would come up with.

My lips twist in the shadow of a smile.

I don't feel Fai coming before he announces himself. Is this what it's going to be like now, without his magic? I'm not sure I like the idea that he can sneak up on me.

"There you are. It's late," he says.

"Thanks, I didn't notice."

"You should get some rest," he continues, coming up beside me. He gently pulls my bloody arms apart. "Don't do that." I let them hang loosely at my sides.

"I'm not tired," I say. He's in front of me now, but I keep staring at the moon.

"We'll all need to be rested," he breathes. "Sakura's waiting."

"No she's not." My eyes turn to him for the first time. "Stop saying that. She's gone. Her soul disappeared, I felt it. It just unraveled like an old sock." I pull away.

"Aisha…"

"Her body's not her. The only reason I'm doing any of this is because that Fei Wong has no business stealing her away like that."

"Aisha."

"And I'm sick of everyone acting like we're going to save her at the end of all this. She's dead, really dead, as dead as you can get. I keep talking to her even though I know she can't hear me."

"Aisha!"

I stop and stare at him. He looks like he's about to cry, or hit me, or both.

"I'm just saying the truth," I hiss. "It's not my fault you're more comfortable with lies."

"That's…!"

"Oh sure, we never asked you about it directly, but did it ever once cross your mind to go: Hey guys, guess what? Sakura's going through some pretty self-destructive behaviour right now and it's because she's actually a clone! Just a heads up in case she tries something stupid! Or: You know that guy that's been watching us? He actually wants to rewrite the whole universe and start over so that he can bring someone back from the dead and he really needs Sakura's body to do that so we should probably keep an eye out! I thought we were friends, but the woman who wants me dead was more talkative than you!"

There's a horrible, drawn-out silence where I half-expect him to pounce on me. His fingers twitch like they want nothing more than to do just that.

And then his voice, too calm for the windstorm inside of me. "You talked to her?"

I nod. "I got her to stop chasing me until this is all over."

"She could have killed you."

"She didn't."

"And in which reality was this a good idea?" I can tell he's trying not to get angry, but now it's starting to crack through his voice.

"In the one where we need to go stop a maniac from destroying everything using our friend's corpse? We can't do that with her breathing down my neck."

"She could have killed you."

"And then I would be dead and the entire problem woud be solved!" She almost touched me, she almost touched me… I close my eyes against the thought. She didn't. She can't hurt me for now.

Fai's eye is piercing gold in the moonlight. And then he's right there, his face only inches from mine and his fingers encircling my wrist. I hate how he moves now, and the way I can't feel it before it happens – it's like I'm blindfolded, and each touch is a surprise. He snarls.

"It wasn't your fault."

His words don't register immediately; my skin feels too raw, it's like he's going to burn it just with the warmth of his palm.

"Wha…"

"I know you; you start thinking like this when things go wrong. None of what happened this morning was your fault."

I meet his eye, seething. He has no right.

"My shield was in the wrong place," I hiss. "If it would have been around…"

"Syaoran stabbed her. It was his sword that did the killing, not any shield or lack of it."

"I could have saved her!"

"It wasn't your responsibility!" His breath is so close I can feel it on my cheeks. "You didn't push her, did you?" I pull my arm out of his grip and retreat.

He can't say that. I failed to protect Sakura, and so it is my fault, at least in part. It has to be.

"It's not your responsibility to protect any of us! It's not your job to make sure we're all okay, all the time. If you're responsible for all of us, how is that fair? How are you meant to predict something like this, how can you hold yourself accountable for every action and every mistake that we make? I decided to give away my magic, Syaoran-kun went to fight, and Sakura decided that her life was worth another. No one else is responsible for any of that, least of all you!" He's hurting too, I can tell. But he isn't telling the truth. He can't be.

I crouch to the ground and clutch my head in my hands. It has to be my fault, because if not then who's to blame? I refuse to accept that there was nothing I could have done. If I can't do anything to save the ones I care about, then what good am I?

"You're good for plenty," Fai says, joining me. I hadn't realized that last sentence was out loud.

"What do you know about it?" I grumble, still struggling with his words.

"Aisha…" the tone of his voice makes me turn towards him. The look he gives me is the same look that makes me so confused, the same one that makes me blush and turn away. His hand reaches for my cheek. My eyes widen in panic; I understand suddenly.

"No," I say, backing away hurriedly. "Don't say it."

His hand recoils as though bitten by a snake. "Aisha…"

"I said no!" I stand up, searching wildly for an exit from this. He can't say it. He's not allowed. Not now.

I knew, didn't I? It all makes so much sense - I was just too naïve and stupid to see it.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I…" he seems just as lost as I am.

"You bastard!" I shriek, and the wind shoves him against a pillar."You thought I would just take it? What the heck was the last three months then?!" My fists pound against his skin, but I'm too exhausted to do much damage now. I hate him and I hate myself and – how does any of this make sense? Sakura shouldn't be dead. Of all people, not Sakura.

He can't tell me that he loves me when Sakura is dead, not when I've failed again to protect those I care about. Not so soon after choking me with his words, his endless words full of hatred and bitterness and blood. Not like this. He doesn't get to say it like this. It doesn't get to be that easy for him.

"I'm sorry," he says, again and again and again until I stop pounding, until I'm so tired that I just rest my fists against him and grit my teeth.

"You can't do this to me," I pant. I know I'm broken, but not that badly. Why did he think now was a good time for this?

"I'm sorry," he repeats sadly. "I just thought… I wanted…" He brushes his hands against my arms, against my scars, and it's plain enough to see what he wanted. I don't know what hurts more, the memory of all his jabs and accusations, or the knowledge that he loved me through it all.

I think it was easier to take when I thought that he hated me.

"Idiot," I growl, pushing away. "You didn't think about what I wanted? That maybe I don't exist to make you happy? You thought you should just… just…" Make me responsible for your feelings, too. Force me to care.

That's what he's doing, isn't it. He wants to say it now so that I have no choice but to fall into his arms and cry and say "Me, too." And then we can comfort each other and everything will be forgiven because of course it will be. He's ready for this moment to happen.

I'm not. Not yet.

Not like this, anyway.

"What does this… I mean… do you mean…?" he stammers, looking down at his hands.

"Do I mean that I don't feel the same? How am I supposed to answer that right now?" I reply. "Maybe I love you, maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know. You were mean, Fai, and I thought it was alright because you hated me and I deserved it, but…"

"You didn't deserve it," he says. "I thought that if I could get you to hate me, that you would leave and then Ashura-ou would never get to you. I was angry at first, but that's the reason I kept it up even when my anger faded. It wasn't fair to any of you."

This is harder than I thought it would be, because I can't just pretend he didn't say those things, and I can't lie to myself and say that I don't want to hold him and melt in his arms at this very moment. His version of this moment sounds so, so good right now, and yet I can't.

I hate that he was the one who reminded me to keep living. I hate that I want him so much.

"Aisha, you shouldn't blame yourself. Really. I…"

"Shut up," I snap.

"You're not the one responsible for all of us. You can't be, you-"

"Shut up!" I say, and the flames are upon me. First at my fingertips, they spread to my shoulders, shroud my face. I stare at my flaming hands like I have never seen them before. I didn't mean for this to happen.

No. Shit, no, I can't do this. I can't lose control again.

Fai's here, we're too close to the guards' quarters, I can't… I raise a shield around me but I don't know if it'll be enough if I blow up again. This can't be happening right now.

"Aisha, look at me," I hear, though it sounds so far away. "You're doing great. You're controlling it, see? Look at me."

I know I should be putting out the flames, but I'm shaking so much I can't remember how. I curl up on myself, trying to suck the fire back into my body but I can't. I'm too angry, I'm too scared.

"You won't lose control again. I trust you." He presses his hands against my shield, I can feel it. Like he's trying to brush my hair back.

Why would he trust me? I'm a liability; I'm going to get someone killed. That's all I am.

"You're not a danger to anyone here, and so you don't have to compensate for that in any way by making yourself responsible. Come on, you taught me that."

Yes, but I'm worse than you now, I think. I should be able to protect the ones I care about, because if I can't what was the point of everything?

If I hadn't been born a mage, nobody would have died for me. So many people got hurt because I was born with these stupid powers, she wants be dead because she thinks I'm some sort of god… And yet I can't even use them to protect my family? What kind of sick joke is this?!

I wish Gran were here, because she would know what to say.

Fai's forehead drops on my shield with a thump. "She wouldn't blame you, you know that right?"

No, she wouldn't. Sakura was much too kind for that.

Nobody blames me, that's the worst part. Nobody knows just how close it was. And even if they knew, they probably still wouldn't hate me.

One of them might still even love me.

I take a deep breath; I'm still angry and scared and confused, but I can do this. I can control this stupid magic. Even if I can't protect them, I can learn to stop being a time-bomb.

And even if I don't know how, I can learn how to protect them.

Just like that, there is no fire anymore. I look up to Fai, who is offering me a smile like he's trying to make up for our fight. For making me angry. How can he be such an asshole and still make me love him?

I lift myself up from the ground and plant my lips on his. I know without asking that I'm too forceful, too awkward, I can feel his teeth digging into the underside of my lip…

After a moment of stillness, he opens his mouth and I feel his tongue pressing against mine. Under his weight I swell up like the tide, and I am overflowing.

I break it off before I forget myself. Sakura's gone. I can lose myself in Fai's arms as long as I want, that fact's not going to change.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, staring at his chin. I can't look him in the eye right now. "I know you're trying to be nice, but… I'm too messed up for this. You're too messed up for this. And I'm going to be there if you need me, always, but I need time to pick myself up again."

His mouth twitches like he's about to say something, but I stand before any sound passes his lips.

"I'm really sorry," I say, dashing off into the darkness. I hug my hand to my chest before he can reach for it.

XxX

A hand at my throat and a river of fire in my belly. The snow is red.

XxX

The pink clumps of hair look funny on the polished wood. Pink hair doesn't seem to belong here, in this strange feudal Japan.

The hairdresser's scissors crunch against the nape of my neck. He was fairly scandalized when I asked him to cut it so short, but he did it anyways. I suppose everyone here is going to think about it twice before they risk upsetting me.

Even though it's beautiful outside, I've asked him to keep the doors closed on the gardens. The crater is still steaming, and I know without inquiring that it will take a long time for anything to grow there.

"Thank you," I whisper when he is done.

"Would you like to keep the hair?" he asks, pulling out a small broom. I shake my head.

It feels light now, too light. Like when Ritza first cut my hair and renamed me Shan.

"I could give the young lady a hair ornament if she wishes, to give her a more feminine finish…"

"No, thank you," I say, standing up. I just wanted my bangs out of the way.

"Very well, Aisha-sama." He bows as I exit the room, and I can't help the grimace from crossing my face. I wish people would forget that I'm scary and go back to teasing me for stupid things like being Kurogane's lover.

Mokona is waiting for me by the cherry tree, as we'd agreed. He doesn't wait to be asked before jumping into my arms.

"Does Aisha feel better now?" he nuzzles into my neck.

"Uh-huh. Ready to call Yuuko for me?" He nods. I nestle myself comfortably against the broken trunk of the tree as I wait for the circle of light to appear before us. My barrette cuts into my palm.

Kurogane knows we're here together, and Mokona has promised to cut the communication the second I start talking about leaving the group. Still, I don't think either of them honestly thinks I would leave at this point.

I have to wonder how my hair will look just before the Witch's image fizzles into view. I didn't even bother looking into the mirror that the hairdresser handed to me; I didn't much care for that before I was faced with the task of negociating with Yuuko with my hair potentially a mess.

Well, it's not like she's ever seen me at my best to begin with, I suppose.

If she sees something weird about my hair, she doesn't say anything. "Yes?" she asks evenly, like she always does.

"I'd like to trade," I say, holding up my barrette for her to see.

"And what is your wish?"

"I want my wallet back," I spit before thinking. "And also, clothes. From Riselk, the country I was born in. Mage robes." I've only seen Gran wear them a handful of times, but I always thought they were beautiful. I'm a mage from Riselk now, a thrice-marked daughter of Frei's line, and I think I should look the part. Besides, this is my barrette and I'll use it to pay for what I damned-well please.

"If you ask for only that, the value of the payment will exceed the value of the wish," Yuuko points out. I'd thought it might.

"I want some information about that Fei Wong guy. And don't go telling me that it would exceed the limit of interference or other such bullshit, because I think you're well past that point by now."

She nods. "It will depend on the questions, but you may ask them. I would like to point out that you do not have to waste a wish for this; I've never said I wouldn't give you that information for free if you needed it."

Oh, so now she's being nice and cooperative. Figures.

"I'm not using my wish for this, I'm using this to figure out my wish," I hiss. "So, how many souls exactly has that guy been collecting? And why does he need them?"

"Human souls are one of the greatest and most vulnerable source of power in these worlds. He will need an incredible amount of power to accomplish his wish, and that is why he collects souls. As for how many, I am not certain."

"How does Sakura factor into his plan?" I press.

"He requires her body, but not her soul. Telling you more than this would exceed the limit of interference."

I groan. "Does he have any easily-exploitable weaknesses we might need to know about?"

"His magic is strong, and his armies strong as well. He has made sure that none of his weaknesses are easily exploited."

"Wait, he has armies?" Nobody told me there were going to be armies involved. Soul-stealing stalker intent on destroying all the known universe, sure, but actual armed forces? This requires a completely different strategy.

Yuuko nods. "His forces are not alive, but rather a by-product of his magic, honed over the years. The other Syaoran has faced them before; they are strong by their numbers if not their skill."

Okay, undead swarm of magic-puppets guarding the evil sorcerer in his time-forteress. Got it. Nothing headache-enducing about that.

"Everything you've asked me so far is nothing you couldn't have deduced on your own if you'd bothered looking for clues," the Witch says. "Have you decided on the last part of your wish then?"

"Not yet. Who does he want to bring back from the dead anyways?" It can't be as clichéd as 'his lost love' I tell myself, but then again that might leave an opening to redeem him or something.

Yuuko twitches at this, like I've hit a nerve. "Someone who does not wish to be brought back," she says simply. I roll my eyes.

"Really? You're not going to be any more specific than that? What about a name? Relation to Fei Wong? Reason he wants that person alive?"

"I'm sorry, but telling you more would-"

"Exceed the limit of interference, what a joy," I finish. "Is there anything you can tell us in terms of actual, practical knowledge of how to stop this guy?"

"Well he is mortal," he says, and I think I see the sliver of a smile. "He is as vulnerable to blades and sharp weapons as anyone." Was that an attempt at a joke?

I feel that if I do get a headache, it will be because of this. Not the mind-boggling problem of having to defeat a guy with incredible magical powers, quasi-unlimmited ressources and an army, but the conundrum of the Dimensions Witch attempting humour.

I sigh. "Mokona, what do you think? Should I just keep the leftover value for later, or just get a really, really long sword?"

"I think Aisha should do what makes Aisha happy," Mokona replies solemnly.

"Really? I get the feeling that if I ask for something vague like 'a way to defeat Fei Wong and be back in time for lunch' I'll wind up regretting it."

"Maybe it's not about wishing for what'll be most useful, but wishing for what'll make everyone happy," the fur-ball says.

Honestly, I don't think any one thing will be enough to make us remotely happy right now. Nothing short of rewriting-the-whole-universe impossible, anyways.

"Could you… could you maybe give me Kurogane's sword?" I finally ask. I know it belonged to his father and he said he'd traded it with Yuuko for a chance to get back home. Well, to get here, I guess.

The Witch raises an eyebrow. "You realize that when he gave away that sword, it was the most important thing in the world to him. What makes you think you can pay for that kind of value?"

"Well first of all, it's my wish to get it back, not his. And it might matter a lot to him, but to me it's just a cool-looking, really long sword," I shrug. "So as far as I'm concerned, the added sentimental value isn't there." That rips another smile from her.

"I should deal with you less often. You're starting to learn my secrets." Her smile falls. "However, you are correct: the value of a wish depends on who wishes it, and to you Ginryuu is but an exceptionally well-sharpened blade. I've also noticed that you were careful to wish the blade for yourself, and not for your friend." I expect her to fight me on this, but she only nods. "While I can see what you are doing, I will let it slide. As I've said before, you are correct."

I narrow my eyes; she's never been this nice before, not even when Fai was dying. What's going on?

"Is there anything you're not telling us about what's going on?" I ask.

"Nothing that you would need to know," she replies. "If your wishes are decided, I will take the price now."

I hand over the barrette to Mokona, who swallows it up in one big gulp. A second later, it is in the hands of the Witch. Only a few moments more, and out of Mokona's mouth pop a plain-looking wallet and a silver-hilted sword.

"The robes I will give to you once I have acquired them," Yuuko says. "I'll take your measurements from the clothes still in my possession. If that is all, I have many things to attend to now." She flickers out of sight.

"… okay, bye," I mutter at the air where she used to be. There's definitely something she's not telling us. This didn't feel like her at all.

My hands are shaking as I reach for the wallet; I realize that I'm half-expecting the photos to be gone, or to be blank. Yuuko told me that the memories I had hadn't been tampered with, but Hanshin feels like such a long time ago…

It's all there, down to the crumpled-up five koko bill. I look at Hisho and Hinata in their soccer uniforms, grinning like little idiots, and I feel tears come to my eyes. I had almost forgotten what they looked like, all the little details: the way Hisho's nose crinkled when he laughed, or how Hinata's hair curled around her ears, how her eyes are the same shade of hazel as our mom's…

There are no pictures of my mother in here, and probably for the first time in my life I regret it.

Mokona climbs up to my shoulder. "Is Aisha crying because she's happy or because she's sad?"

"A bit of both," I sob, wipping the tears from my cheeks in big, harsh motions. "A bit of both…"

XxX

"You already have it?" I ask an embarrassed Kurogane as I stand in the doorway to his room, awkwardly cradling Ginryuu. I wanted to hold it in a more dignified fashion, but it's bigger and heavier than I expected from my glimpses of the ninja's memories.

Kurogane's ears have turned red. He shows me an identical sword to the one I am holding, his grip much gentler and secure than mine.

"It turns out Tomoyo-hime never buried the original sword with my mother, as she said," he explains. "She saw that I would have to give up the copy I had made after my mother's death, and so arranged for my father's sword to come back to me this way. I don't think she expected… I certainly didn't…" He looks again at the two Ginryuus and shakes his head. "You didn't have to."

"I… I just had some leftover value left on my wish, so…" This is making me feel unbelievably selfish. Of course I should have thought of him first, it's not like my wishes were that important anyways. He shouldn't have been just an afterthought.

"I suppose it's yours now," he shrugs.

"Wait, what? Why is it mine now? I thought it was yours!"

"I sold it to the witch, so I guess I can't really call it mine anymore… besides, you're the one who bought it back. And I have the original now." He lays the sword carefully in a corner, on a wodden stand made just for that purpose.

"But!" I protest, searching for words. "There's no way I can actually wield this thing, I can barely hold it up! And what am I going to do with a sword anyways? I didn't buy it back for myself, I bought it back for you!"

He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Yeah, I know, and I… well, thank you," he nods, the tip of his ears still a deep crimson. "But the truth is, I have no need for a second sword and I feel that if someone should have it, it should be you."

"I don't know how to use it."

"You can learn."

"I'm not sure I want to learn to use it."

"Then just keep it around. Who else is going to take it?"

"I… Syaoran-kun, for one," I say, knowing full well that it isn't true. Syaoran-kun already has his own sword, and no need for a new, unfamiliar one.

Kurogane's grimace confirms this.

"Fai's taller than me."

"I'm not letting that guy near such a good blade. He has no idea how to handle them."

"Maybe one of your friends from the palace guard would like to have it?" I suggest.

He shakes his head, and then offers me a smirk. "It's a family heirloom, remember?"

"Oh no. No. You can't pull the family card on me," I warn. "This sword is yours, and I'm not fit to have it. You know that."

"I've been wielding it for years, I think I know who's fit to have it. Also, family."

I groan in frustration. Nothing penetrates his thick skull unless he decides it does, does it?

"It's too much," I sigh. He shrugs and walks away.

"Not my problem."

"Come on!"

"Still not my problem." He sits next to the garden-side door, seemingly fascinated by the study of his new armour – which he's had delivered this morning.

"I'll keep it around for you in case you need it," I threaten.

"Whatever you want."

I drag my feet to the other side of the room and plop myself next to him. "It's nice. Your armour, I mean."

He grunts, critically examining some stitching.

"I can have one fitted for you if you want," he says. "It might come in handy if that thing about an army is true."

"Eh," I shrug. "I'm not used to fighting in armour. Maybe just some bracers and shin-guards?"

He nods. "Go see the armourer this afternoon and tell him I sent you."

"I doubt I'll need to do that," I mutter. I could probably just waltz in there and demand that he give them to me for free, and he'd be so scared of me blowing up his entire armoury to refuse. Still, I'll be polite and ask.

"Have you seen Syaoran-kun at all since yesterday?" I say.

"Yeah. He's been around." Kurogane glances at me. "You haven't?"

"I…" I don't want to admit that I'm afraid of seeing him after that whole debacle yesterday. There's no telling how he's reacted to Sakura's death. "How is he doing?"

"Holding up, like the rest of us." Another glance. "You were messing with his duel yesterday, weren't you?"

I sigh. "I didn't want him to get hurt."

"It was his fight."

"I just helped a bit," I say.

He nudges me in the ribs. "You have to learn to trust people not to get hurt, you know," he says.

"Yes, because you're so good at doing that," I reply.

"I'm better than you." I can't say much to that, so I simply say nothing. The silence stretches on for what seems like an eternity.

"Thanks for the sword," I finally mutter. He shakes his head.

"Thank you," he replies.

I'll ask Mokona to take it later. No matter how many times Kurogane says it, I know it's not mine – but I'll keep it around in case its real owner ever needs it.

XxX

Of course, Syaoran's in the armoury; I should have known by the way Kurogane looked at me when I mentioned him.

I smile thinly. "Hey."

"Hello, Aisha," the boy says. His eyes narrow as he looks at me. "Your hair's different."

"Yeah. I needed to get it out of my face," I say. He nods. The armourer's already fitting him for a pair of bracers. "So… how are you?"

"Good," he says, but I can see the hardened iron in his gaze. The only thing stopping him from falling apart now is the fact that he thinks we're going to save Sakura. "What about you?"

"I've been better," I admit, "but I'm alright." I smile again. I won't take away the only thing keeping him standing.

XxX

"Please," I whisper, but no one comes to help me. The flames are getting higher.

XxX

"Just a nightmare," I reassure Kurogane. He frowns at me. I try to smile.

"What kind of nightmare?" he asks.

"The regular kind," I say. "Just… a normal nightmare. Nothing to worry about."

XxX

The robes Yuuko got for me are beautiful, more so than they have any right to be. Gran never wore something so intricate.

The fabric is still sturdy and the cut is simple – these robes are meant for active spells and ease of movement, not elaborate ceremonies – but the embroidery around the sleeves and collar shimmer delicately against the light, and the fasteners are carefully-forged gold.

"Where did you get this?" I ask, passing my fingers along the soft fabric. All the magi robes I've seen were old, from before the Burning, and worn almost threadbare. These look new, and rich enough they must have been made for someone important – some great leader or priestess.

"I did my research," is the Witch's only reply. I can't stop staring at them.

"You're going to have to make sure not to damage them," Tomoyo-hime says from behind me, where she is playing with Mokona in her lap.

"I, uh… yes," I say, still marveling at the robes in my hands. This is mine. I don't think I've ever owned something so beautiful.

"Now we have to see you wear them! Quick!" Tomoyo laughs, clapping her hands. I turn to her.

"Really?" I grimace. Her smile immediately turns gentle.

"Not if you don't want to," she amends. I look back at the robes. I… I do want to see what I look like in those.

"Alright," I say.

When I look at myself in the mirror, it's like Gran is standing behind me. I look…

I reach for the mirror. I look the way I might have if things had gone differently.

The Witch knows her clothes, I'll give her that; the robes fit perfectly. She's picked them in a deep red, the colour of our clay pots and the mountains at sunrise, and I wonder if she's done that on purpose.

I could be a mage of Riselk in these. I could have become a healer like Gran and scoured the plains and the forests for the rest of my life, and worn robes just like these. I could have been the pride of my people, the first thrice-marked mage in over six hundred years.

I look down at my hand. As it is, I haven't done much helping with this magic of mine.

That's going to change, though.

When I step outside, I'm surprised to find Syaoran-kun and Kurogane standing in the courtyard beside Tomoyo-hime. She must have asked them to come, although I can't see why they would be interested in this. Tomoyo-hime only insisted she be present because she has a thing for foreign clothing.

Kurogane gives me one look and nods. "Good," he says. "I was worried these robes would be some kind of flowy nonsense, but they seem good for battle."

"Yes, well they could always use some more embellishements," Tomoyo adds. "I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to look your best, even when you're fighting."

"No offense intended, but you once tried to put bows on your guards' uniforms."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she grins.

"Well Mokona thinks that Aisha looks very pretty no matter what she's wearing!" the fur-ball proclaims.

"Thank you, Mokona," I say, looking at the others with barely concealed amusement. "At least someone here knows how to make a compliment."

Syaoran-kun points a finger at himself, looking positively baffled. "I… I didn't say anything…" he says, his voice only a whisper.

"Not you," I smile. "Those two idiots." I bite my tongue for a moment, remembering that Tomoyo is a princess and that I probably shouldn't be calling her names – but she laughs.

"I'm sorry," she says. "It's very flattering, I'll give you that." She discreetly nudges Kurogane.

"It looks fine," he groans, rolling his eyes.

"I'll accept that," I say. That's when I see Fai enter the courtyard. I take a deep breath.

When the mage gets close enough, I turn to him. "Hello," I say politely. I've been blatantly avoiding him since our altercation in the gardens.

He stops short when he sees me.

"Your hair," he says.

"My hair," I nod.

"It's, uh… different."

"You used to be better at compliments," I say as I walk past him, towards the room where my clothes now lie. "Now, if you'll excuse me…"

"It's pretty," he says. I stop.

"Thank you," I say, slowly.

"All of it," he continues, like he doesn't know how to stop. "The dress too. And, uh, and y-"

"Yeah, thanks," I interrupt him before he goes too far. I glance at him. Don't make this harder than it already is, please.

He just smiles, and I can't read it.

"You should really start training again," he says. "I'm sure Syaoran-kun won't mind."

"We were planning to," I reply. "This afternoon."

"Is it alright if I watch?"

"Sure." I cast my eyes down.

"I'll work on it, you know," he says. My gaze snaps up to his face. He's still smiling, but it's not fake – not completely.

I nod. "I'm working on it too." I didn't say no; I said not now. I hope he can understand that.

"I'll see the both of you this afternoon then," he says. It's as though everyone breathes a sigh of relief when he leaves the courtyard.

"Did… something happen with you two?" Kurogane asks once it's clear that Fai isn't within earshot anymore.

"No," I say. His eyebrows shoot up.

"Oh," he says, like he's suddenly understood everything. I feel my cheeks burning.

"What is it, Aisha?" Syaoran-kun asks, looking concerned.

Kurogane waves his hand. "Some magic mumbo-jumbo stuff. Something about how he paid for my arm."

"I- yeah," I confirm, nodding perhaps a little too hurriedly. If Kurogane keeps covering for me like this I'm going to have to find something better to repay him with than a sword.

XxX

Syaoran-kun and I spin around the sparring grounds in slow, concentric circles, silently trying to knock the other down. At first the crowd around us was only Fai, but it gradually grew until half of the fighting men in the palace stood on the edge of the yard.

The mood is one of hushed silence as we patiently wait for the next move. It's Syaoran-kun's turn and everybody knows it, but aside from making a few quick pecks at my shields the boy has yet to attack.

I feint to the left, but he doesn't even flinch. What is he up to?

Then it comes: a thin line of flames headed straight for me. I roll out of the way, carving out the fire until all that is left is an ember the size of my head, which I quickly fling back at my opponent. It vanishes before it hits his chest. I follow this with two concentrated gusts of wind designed to knock him off balance; he is back on his feet in a moment. The thing with Syaoran-kun is, he's quick even without magic.

Two more gusts, and he is pushed to the edge of the sparring grounds.

"Which one's the scariest?" a voice whispers in the crowd.

"I'd say the girl. She hasn't even used her fire yet."

A wall of flames breaks against my shields. I jump onto the surrounding parapet, running to avoid a series of explosions in my wake.

"Yeah. No wonder Kurogane-san likes her."

"Did you hear? Apparently he gave her his sword yesterday."

"Sure, but which one eh?" A few laughs erupt around the men.

That last line distracts me long enough that I don't notice Syaoran-kun's shield against my foot until it's too late. I trip and fall rather ungracefully to the ground, barely muffling a yelp.

More laughter from the crowd.

I stare at Syaoran-kun, wide-eyed. I recognize those small shields, barely detectable – they're the same I used during his fight with Seishiro.

He noticed.

His expression confirms it. Whether he's angry at me for interfering or not I can't tell, but he wants me to know that he knows.

I barely have the time to dodge his next attack, a gust so strong it splinters the wooden pillar behind me. Somewhere to my left, Fai whistles.

Is Syaoran-kun trying to turn this into more than a sparring match? Those attacks didn't feel like any of our other practice matches together, or even like the fighting we did in Infinity. They were more…

I'm forced to dodge again before a small tornado scoops me up; the resulting winds nonetheless send me careening into a pillar.

Is he trying to hurt me?

He waits for me to stand up and shake the stars from my vision before he settles back into a fighting stance. I send him a quizzical glance, but all I get as a response is his iron glare.

No, he doesn't want to hurt me. He wants to escalate this fight; he's trying to get me to fight back harder, with stronger magic. He doesn't think we're training hard enough.

He wants blood when we fight Fei Wong, and he wants me to help him get it. For Sakura.

I close my eyes for a moment; I can't start thinking down that road again. I can't get angry again, or I'll lose control completely.

"Is this when she gets super scary?" I hear someone whisper. "I heard she gets super scary sometimes."

"She did that crater in the gardens all by herself. Did you see it?"

"I knew Kurogane-sama would like someone who could dominate him, ifyouknowwhatImean…"

"I liked that pond. Shame it's gone now."

"Hey, do you think it's safe so close to the sparring circle? I mean, if she does the exploding thing again..."

I close my fists, hard, so that I have no feeling in my fingertips.

"Monster! Child killer! Magi scum!"

No. They're wrong, I'm not a monster. I won't let myself be a threat to the ones around me.

"Hey, Aisha!" My eyes snap open; that was Fai. I look to him, and he's holding his hand up, wiggling his fingers. "What can you do with your hands?"

"Tell me all the things you can do with these hands."

"I can suck the life force out of someone, and shoot fire from my fingertips, and I can heal…"

"Don't you think the good outnumbers the bad?"

I look down at my palms. He's right, and I know he is, but…

"Little monster mine. You're an abomination, you know that?"

I shake my head. No. I won't allow myself to be what they think I am. I will protect my family at all costs.

"Are you alright?"

"Yup," I tell Syaoran-kun. Deep breath. I will protect them at all costs and if that means fighting, then I will fight.

The wind fluctuates with my breathing, slowly moving to form a whirlwind with me as its center. I can feel Syaoran-kun strengthen his shields.

The force of the shockwave originating from my body sends everyone except him to the ground. I spin on myself, my fingers trailing the air and wreathing myself in flames; my momentum is only broken when Syaroan-kun's foot meets mine. He's come to meet me halfway, how sweet.

The rest of the fight is a blur. Facing Syaoran-kun with either fists or magic was already quite the workout; facing him with both at a time takes all my concentration.

I need to get some distance in if I'm to have the time to do anything meaningful with my magic. The way this is going, I can barely get in a few gusts of wind in – and they are all promptly deflected by his shields.

Shields…

I use a particularly strong wind to push myself back to the other edge of the sparring circle. In the time it takes Syaoran-kun to realize that I'm gone and readjust, I have already woven a dozen small, invisible shields around his limbs.

He tries to step forward, but something pushes his foot back; a blast of wind leaves his fist, but his aim is deflected at the last moment and the attack fails to hit me. His eyes as they meet mine are confused. I grin.

This is good. I found a way to win this fight without hurting him.

Shields can stop things from breaking them, but they're usually vulnerable to pressure – which means that it's very possible to push them when a hit wouldn't normally be able to penetrate them.

With another twitch from my hand, Syaoran-kun's knees give out under him. Everytime he tries to get up, I push just a little harder. I'm just waiting for him to give up at this point; if he can't move, he can't win.

That's why his next attack surprises me. Instead of pushing back or trying to move, he relaxes his entire body and allows himself to slump forward. I tense, waiting.

A thousand needles pierce through the weaving of our shields, too small to do any damage on their own – until they expand suddenly, causing every shield on the sparring grounds to shatter. I can almost hear them fall to the groud like broken glass.

A blast of wind as straight as a spear catches me in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm still stronger than you," she whispers. The sword slides effortlessly into my flesh.

I hiccup, hands reflexively flying to my stomach. I'm going to die. Without thinking, I send my fire forward.

My flames gather and spread, for a moment ressembling some kind of bird, before they plunge towards Syaoran-kun. He doesn't even raise a shield before they explode on his chest, sending him flying back shrouded in fire.

Syaoran-kun. No, I didn't mean to, I…

I scream.

He falls, but doesn't get up straight away. I scramble forward, one hand still clutching my stomach.

"Syaoran-kun!" I call, leaning over him. There are burns all over his upper body and he seems badly winded, but he's conscious.

"Hey," he says, looking up at the sky.

"Sorry…" I'm already healing the skin around his face, where it seems the most painful.

"No, that was good. I just didn't dodge in time." He coughs, then offers me a smile. "After all, I'm the sempai when it comes to this, aren't I?"

"Shut up," I say. I'm already starting to cry. At least none of the burns seem too bad. I've seen worst in Tokyo.

Fai's footsteps behind me. "Are you both alright?" he asks. I shake my head, but Syaoran-kun nods.

"I just wasn't fast enough," he says. "That was a pretty strong attack, wasn't it? It might be useful later."

I feel Fai hanging over me. "Aisha?" I shake my head again.

I've rolled back onto my heels, holding out my left arm as though it were a live snake. This was nothing compared to the destruction at the pond, but I hadn't actually hurt anyone then. Even when I try to control it, even when I think that I've succeeded – I blow up. And then there was that hit to my stomach…

I know she can't hurt me for now, I know it, and yet I can't get her out of my head.

"I think this is enough practice for today," Fai says, helping Syaoran-kun up. "We all need some rest, and some supper. Raki-chan, you should come too."

"Sure," I say, standing up after them. Fai seems guenuinely concerned as he offers me his hand.

"They have sushi down in the kitchens. You like sushi," he says. I nod.

"Yeah," I say. I look at Syaoran-kun, and all I can see is his body covered in my own flames.

"He's fine," Fai says. "See? You did a good job healing him. No harm done." I look out to the crowd gathered just at the edges of the sparring circle. So many whispers I can't make out much of what is said, but I catch a flash of apprehension in a ninja's eye when his gaze crosses mine.

I swallow the dry lump in my throat. "I'm not really hungry, actually. I'll eat later."

"Aisha…"

I smile. "I'm fine," I say. "I'm just going to go see the armourer to check on my bracers." I don't even have to push my way through the crowd; they part before me like the red sea. I think I hear someone congratulate me on a good fight, but I'm not really paying attention.

XxX

"Your fault," they whisper. They are burning. All of them.

XxX

I wake up with a start, searching for Kurogane's hand in the dark. He insisted that he sleep in my room in case I wake up from a nightmare and scare him again like a few days ago. We haven't told the others and the guards just think what they want and leave us alone about it.

"Alright?" he groans when I squeeze his hand. He's real, and he's warm, and he means that I'm not trapped in the dream.

"Alright," I lie. "Nightmare again. Go back to sleep." I feel his entire body slump as he sighs.

"You sleep too," he says.

"Hm-m." Mokona told us right after dinner that the time to leave was coming, and that it would most likely be tomorrow.

I'm so scared I can barely breathe.

Fai might know what's wrong with me, but I don't want him to see me like this. I don't know that we can be normal around each other as long as I won't give him an answer. He'll be kind, sure, and he promised he'd try not to use me as a crutch anymore; and I promised I would try to put myself back together. But that's the whole problem: I'm not okay, and while he's not perfect either at least he's getting somewhere. I feel like I'm slipping and there's nothing to hold me back.

So that's why I have to do something, even if it's stupid. Because I'm of no use to anybody as long as I'm like this.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

XxX

She breathes out a puff of blue smoke into my face. "Any reason you thought you'd disturb me during your little truce? Or have you accepted that your quest is hopeless and come to me for a way out?" Her lips curl upwards.

"I can't control my magic," I say, carefully curling my hands on my lap.

"You seem under the impression that this concerns me,"she says, looking away into the distance.

"I need your help," I whisper. Her head turns slowly towards me, eyes gleaming like a hawk.

"For a moment I thought I'd heard you say you needed my help?" she snarls. "That just won't do, now. It would be in very bad taste for me to help someone who has given such cause for suffering."

I close my fists, hard. "You're part of the reason I can't get it to work right."

"Is that so?Are you sure it's not your own weakness turning against you? After all, I can't hurt you until the man with the human copies is defeated – that was our deal." She spins the pipe lazily in her hand.

"I can't stop thinking about you. About what you did to me. It's messing me up," I say.

"You have these strange delusions in which I care about such things."

Deep breath. "Would you rather face a worthy opponent when you do come for me, or would you like me to be completely helpless? Wouldn't that take all the fun out of it?" I ask.

She leans forward, dangerously close. "I will not make the same mistake I have made last time, my little sorceress." Smoke spills out of her mouth in thin tendrils, curling around her eyes. "I will not underestimate you this time, you can trust me on that."

"Exactly. You won't have to, because you'll know exactly what I'm capable of." I swallow painfully.

She snorts, and smiles. "You're clever, I'll give you that. But no. You have no idea how much it pains me to watch you speaking before me without my blade through your throat; I will not exacerbate my pain in order to humour your whims."

"And what if I'm not able to stop that man from destroying the universe? Then we both lose," I try again. "You're the only one who can teach me to use the magic of Riselk, no one else knows it. No one else… is more powerful than me." I grit my teeth through those last words.

She leans even closer, and I choke on her smoke. "And you know why that is? Why I am stronger than you though we are both thrice-marked? Because I don't let pesky things like friendship and love hinder my magic. The fire inside you is what makes you so hard to destroy, but it's also what makes you weak. I am crystal inside, I am cold. And eventually, I will smother you out."

"You're what makes me weak," I snarl. "If it weren't for you I wouldn't be so afraid all the time, and Gran would have lived long enough to teach me magic properly instead of having to learn it on the fly! I'm so scared of losing someone else because of you, just thinking about makes me freeze up. There are so many things I don't know, and it's getting people killed!"

"Getting people killed is our lot in life, my sweet abomination. Did you think I called you that solely because I despised you?"

"What?" I don't understand. She's never spoken like this before, never so bitterly. Never about herself.

Her finger comes under my chin, nearly touching it; her eyes shine with the cold glare of rubies only inches from me. I can't make myself move. "You've heard me perfectly well," she slurs. "You and I, we are not meant to exist. We are doomed to be harbingers of death and destruction, and you can either let that knowledge consume you whole or you can steel yourself and write your own destiny free of loss and pain."

"Don't touch me." It's the only thing I can think to say.

Her hand closes on my jaw. "Why, I'll teach you to tell me what to do…"

The circle of flames that sprout around me sends her flying back. I stand up, towering over her for once. I am shaking, but worst of all, I am angry.

"This is my head and you are here because I said so, so I will tell you what to do all I like," I snarl. She flickers in and out of sight, hesitating between the shape of a woman and one of a girl covered in golden pearls. They share the same eyes; wide and lost.

My anger abates a little. I can't help but feel sorry for her now, trying so desperately to hold onto a form in the dreamland. She thinks her coldness makes her strong, but it's not so simple is it?

"I'll prove you wrong," I say, kneeling to her height. "I'm not an abomination, and neither are you. It's not what you were born with that makes you broken, it's what you've done with it. You've wrecked so many lives and killed so many people, but you always had that choice. I have that choice too - and I choose to use my magic to help the ones I care about, because without them I am nothing." Her eyes narrow and she stabilizes before my eyes into the woman I know. Her lips curl into a growl. I continue nonetheless, ignoring the voice in my head telling me to shut up. "So if you do anything to threaten them or their safety, I will destroy you. I will consume both of us in that fire you say I have if I must."

She opens her mouth, and the full force of her silent scream hits me. Her eyes are black and empty.

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" a young girl's voice yells at me. I can see them: flashes of memories flickering around me. A dark room, a hand clutching a mass of curly black hair, golden bangles swaying in the wind, tall shadows whispering around us, caresses and pain, screams and sweetness…

"YOU KNOW NOTHING."

I hold up one hand, covered in flames. "I know that I'm not like you,"I say. "And that's what will make me stronger." The fire pierces through her darkness, settling into the shape of a sword with a dragon hilt. I hold it before me like a shield, still shaking. "Now get out."

"YES." The voice says. "WE'LL GET OUT. BUT WE'LL MAKE YOU SEE FIRST."

I push against the black tide, the sword in my hands burning white. Someone outside is holding my hand, and I feel his grip on the hilt.

Don't you think the good outnumbers the bad?

Sakura is dead, and it's partly my fault. But that doesn't mean I killed her. It doesn't mean I'm doomed to get everyone else killed. For the first time, I understand what Fai meant by that.

It's what I choose to do with this magic that will tip the balance, and I'm learning to choose. I'm not powerless. Even when I thought I was failing, I wasn't. I'm just a bit slower than I'd like to be.

She leaves the dream with one final scream, but not before a sliver of darkness hits my eye.

XxX

I don't understand what I saw; I'm just crying. All I remember is the screaming, all the screaming… and a name. Her name.

"Kid!" Kurogane is shaking me. My eyes open with a start to see the ninja leaning over me. He seems worried.

I smile weakly. "Her name is Erzebet," I say.

He looks like he wants to yell at me, but instead he just closes his eyes and bows his head. "Goddammit, kid…"

I reach for him, locking my arms around his neck so that I can burry my face in his shoulder. His mechanical hand comes up to my head, gently ruffling my hair.

"Goddammit."

This was the last time I let her in, the last time I fight her in my own dreams, the last time I see her when she isn't there. I won't lie and say I'm not afraid of her, but I won't allow her power over me anymore. I won't let her convince me that I'm a monster just because she says so.

If only to prove her wrong.

XxX

We gather in the central courtyard in the morning light. I thought there would be some kind of extended farewell, but everyone seems rather calm about the whole thing. Some people even seem encouraging – or cheerful. Like this is a pleasure cruise we're going on.

Kurogane is wearing new armour – or rather, some old armour he'd left behind when he'd been sent to Yuuko. He's hooked Ginryuu to his belt, so that his cloak can't fall directly to the ground anymore. That sword is massive.

Fai is wearing his blue coat from Celes. I'm surprised they could get the blood stains out, but then again I know there's plenty of ways to get blood out of clothes if you're determined enough – I've gotten pretty good at it in the past few months. Mokona rests on his shoulder, as calm as I've ever seen him.

The mage looks to me as I enter; he knows about last night. I told him this morning at breakfast, and then proceeded to run back to my quarters to change before he could ask any questions. Back then he seemed ready to pounce on me; now he just seems worried.

"Just so you know," Kurogane says before Fai can put a word in, "while I disagree with your methods I get what you were trying to do. Just never do it again."

I nod. "No worries. I'm done." He shoots a pointed look at Fai, who sighs.

"You could have just talked to us," he says. Mokona jumps to my shoulder to cuddle in my neck.

"Aisha's not alone anymore, remember?"

"I just had to do this myself. I'm sorry." I bow my head. "I'm better now."

"If it helps, I'd just like you to know that most people can't go from attacks to healing spells as quickly as you did yesterday, if at all. You're good at that." Fai seems a bit flustered, like he's not sure what he's saying. "And you're very creative with your magic. And just because…"

"Thanks," I say. "But you were right. Nobody got hurt; I just got a bit overwhelmed, is all."

His eye is piercing. "And you'll never do that again." I nod.

"Never again, I swear."

Syaoran-kun enters the courtyard, wearing Syaoran's old clothes from Clow country. Yuuko glitches into existence in front of us.

"That…" Mokona starts, looking straight at Syaoran-kun.

"Those are Syaoran's clothes I've been keeping," the Witch confirms. It hurts a bit to see him like this, because he looks so much like Syaoran. Still, I know it isn't him.

Syaoran, we might save. That's a thought to hold onto.

"Mokona, you can't pass on this opportunity to travel to this cut-off time," Yuuko says. "It's time for you all to go onwards, to Clow country."

I'm ready. I know now that I'm ready.

Syraoran-kun's eyes glaze over with determination.

The Witch throws a thread up in the air, and pulls. The effort seems painful.

"Now," she says. We are engulfed in a veritable tornado, and Mokona's wings grow to twice their usual size. Tomoyo smiles at us from the other side.

"Thank you," Syaoran-kun says.

"For everything," I add.

"I pray that all your precious things are safely recovered," the princess replies solemnly.

Except for Sakura. If you can hear me, which I swear you can't - you've really made a mess of things here, you stupid, precious child.

I let the winds take me, and for the first time I feel the space-time move around me like a symphony. This is what I am protecting, and everything in it. My families, all of them. I've never felt heavier and lighter all at once.

I am a mage of Riselk, thrice-marked daughter of Frei's line. I am not a monster, nor am I a time-bomb waiting to explode and shatter the world around me, because I am a shield. That is where my strength lies.

And I will bring them all back home safely.