Disclaimer: Death Note never has, nor will it ever, belong to me.
CHAPTER 53 - DEALS AND STEALS
"I'm Aiber, professional con artist. Nice to meet you."
"Wedy. I'm a thief."
"A con man and a thief…?" repeated Yagami, stunned as he stared at the two seemingly normal-looking people standing before the ex-task force. Well, that is if Wedy's outlandish getup could be considered "normal..."
"Mm, yes," said Ryuzaki, sounding vaguely proud. "Aiber is an expert when it comes to languages, psychology and personality transformation. He possesses the skills to blend into all levels of society, and can always forge a strong bond with his target."
You didn't show any sign of respect or surprise—even though you really wanted to glomp this newcomer out of sheer admiration for his acting skills. Instead, you raised a doubtful eyebrow and snorted. "Him, too? Just how MANY con artists are NECESSARY for this case?"
Ryuzaki paused and decided to play along with you. "We'll use him to get close."
You rolled your eyes. "Whatever. I still think I can do it all right myself. Sorry, Aiber—I'm forgetting my manners," you drawled. "Working name's Shizuka. Nice to meetcha."
"Shizuka, huh?" His eyes flicked to the others, who were looking at you guardedly, as though unsure or confused. "Never heard of you."
"You wouldn't have," you responded airily, leaning back against the computer table, next to Ryuzaki. "I go by different aliases. Shizuka's the name of the month. And Panda-chan here's tryin' to keep my gigs at a minimum." You ruffled his black hair for effect.
"Please stop that, Shizuka-san," he said, sounding testy.
"Oh, you're no fun, Panda-chan."
"And don't call me that."
You pouted a tiny bit as Ryuzaki continued the introductions.
"Wedy is a thief who can get past any lock, security system, and vault. The proof of her skills is that she was able to get into this building without any of us knowing. They're both seasoned… criminals."
" 'Criminals,' Ryuu?" you repeated, looking slightly offended. "That's a bit harsh… I mean, a nicer term would be 'Modern-Day Robin Hoods.'"
Aiber smirked. "Really? What's your trade?"
You smirked in return, crossing your arms. "Conning." Boy, am I glad I decided to wear this outfit… you thought. (For the record, you were wearing a pair of dark jeans full of rips; a white tank top that was tight around your chest but flowing from there on down to allow room for your soon-to-be-growing belly, a black-and-green pinstriped suit jacket, and a black fedora. You hair—short and spiky—was extra-tousled today. All in all, you were quite pleased with the effect it gave, especially given your pregnancy. You didn't look "enceinte" in the least.)
"Really?" said Aiber, interested. "What's your specialty?"
"Oh, this and that," you said modestly, waving a hand. "I'm good with business deals; I'm fluent in Japanese, English, French, and Mandarin Chinese, and proficient in Thai, Spanish, Swahili, and Portuguese; I'm an expert in accents and dialects; acting's my strongest suit (go figure); I can get along well with almost anyone and then break down their basic psychological motives and threads within a day; I'm creative and can improvise well…"
"Which, roughly translated, means that she's a pathological liar and an unrepentant player," muttered Ryuzaki glumly.
"Oh, go on!" you said, looking pleased. "It'll all go to my head."
Aiber laughed, a deep, friendly sound. "If I might ask… what's your max?"
"Ooh… I hate to brag, but… I once nabbed two million bucks off NE-Time Studios while posing as a manager." You grinned like you couldn't help it. Aiber whistled in appreciation.
"Yes, and unfortunately, when you tried to get close to Lucasfilm…" Ryuzaki butted in.
Oh, nice touch, Lawls!! "Oh, that was gonna be the best one yet!" you gushed, looking away with a dazed expression of fond nostalgia. "Twenty million for a shipment of new computers, OS's, and graphic editing software from Apple to ILM… two companies at once…" You suddenly glared at Ryuzaki playfully. "Then this goon came and apprehended me." You gave him a soft, teasing punch in the arm.
"But I never turned you in, did I?" he returned archly, rubbing the spot you'd just hit. "Be thankful."
"So now, I'm just hanging around. Right now, we're supposed to get close to Yotsuba. I'm currently there," you added with a wicked gleam, "as a Sales rep and presentations organizer… and getting CLOSE to Namikawa, the VP of Sales, if you catch my drift…"
Aiber laughed. "Ho ho, you're wicked!"
You smiled with false modesty. "Oh, I wouldn't exactly put it THAT way…"
"Cut the act, Keiko," sighed Yagami as Light chuckled. "This is serious business, here."
You shrugged, nonplused. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"She's a simple detective," Light said with a chuckle.
"Detective?" exclaimed Wedy, a little disgusted and slightly confused.
"SIMPLE!? Oooh, how degrading…" you remarked with a colossal glare. "And I'm not a detective! I'm an inspector, thank you very much!" But after a few seconds, you sighed. "Okay, fine. Well, I was an inspector. Geez, you're all a bunch of spoilsports. I'm not a con artist at all, Aiber-san. I was just playing around."
"Wow… very good," said Aiber appreciatively. "You had me going for a bit, there… though I had my doubts…"
"What was wrong with it?" you asked, honestly wanting to know.
"You were a little vague on the heist details and some names, but were detailed enough to make me almost believe it. And L here kept glancing at you with a strange look… to say nothing of the rest of them!" Aiber gestured at the rest. "What clinched it was how strongly the others reacted to our presence. Of course they wouldn't have been too used to criminals—namely con artists—from the look on… was it Mr. Yagami's…? face." He paused with a smile before nodding in respect. "YOUR acting was dead on, though. And the outfit makes a nice effect."
"THANK you!" you said, smiling. "These party poopers didn't like it."
Ryuzaki sighed heavily and cleared his throat. "If we can get back to the Kira case…"
"Sorry, Panda-chan." You turned back to Aiber. "We've gotta talk sometime—Ryuzaki's told me about your impressive resume… I must say, I'm in awe."
"It was nothing," he said modestly, tilting his head and waving his hand airily. You smiled at this imitation of your previous act.
"Um… Ryuzaki, we'll be working with criminals?" said Yagami, worried.
He nodded. "They're slightly different from the criminals Kira punishes, though…" He went on to discuss the various details of the case and Wedy's and Aiber's roles. You began to think through the various signs and clues you'd have to pick up on once you went back to the field—like the ones Aiber had just told you. How careless, forgetting about the others' reactions. That could mean the difference between life and death, in something as serious as this. After all, spies and con artists were essentially the same, except their end goals… and the obvious moral canyons between them.
Finally, it was agreed that Aiber and Wedy would be helping out. You decided at the last minute that it may not be the wisest thing to tell Wedy that you'd actually helped to uncover her identity. However, at that moment, Juro and Amy came walking through the main doors, having just returned from who knew where. "Hey, guys," you called, lazily waving a hand at them. "Oh, just so you know, these are Aiber and Wedy. They'll be helping us crack Yotsuba. Aiber, Wedy, these are Amy and Juro."
Amy and Juro stood there, staring, slack-jawed and completely in awe. Amy's eyes grew wider than you'd ever seen them—which was saying something, for she had large eyes to begin with. "Oh my gosh, I never expected to meet someone with your expertise…" she breathed. "Tell me, would either of you take an apprentice…?"
"Make that two apprentices…" Juro added dazedly. "Holy mother of pearl…"
"Hey, you guys are cleaning up any drool that falls on the floor," you warned the two young crooks, both of whom looked as though they were in diabetic comas, twitching and slack-jawed.
"Wait a second, wait…" Wedy shook her head. "You two—your real names, if you please?"
"That won't help at all," Ryuzaki said, hearing the tenor of the conversation. "I have also apprehended these two, and they are currently… although I'm not entirely sure why, at this point… under my roof…"
"We just helped capture Black Viper a few months back," you explained.
"You helped?!" Amy exclaimed, suddenly snapping out of her funk. "Who set up all the traps? Who did most of the work?"
"I'll admit you set up the traps, Amy-chan," you began slowly, testily, "but don't even try to boost your own image before your sempais. I did most of the work when it came to capturing them, and may I remind you, WHO was the one who got SHOT in the process? Hmmmmm?" Amy's gaze flicked to the side. "So don't even go there."
Juro swiftly clamped his arms around Amy and pinned her to himself, one arm covering her mouth and simultaneously holding her head whilst the other held her about her stomach. Amy's arms flailed wildly, to no avail. "Amy, shut up before you hurt yourself." He looked back up at Aiber and Wedy (the former of whom was amid a valiant attempt to refrain from laughter, the latter of whom looked slightly repulsed). "Really, you guys are, like, our idols… but I'm not gonna make you risk getting glomped by this little freak." He picked up Amy and carried her out of the room. "IT WAS REALLY GREAT TO MEET YOU!!"
Wedy blinked twice and buried her face in the palm of one hand. Aiber began laughing uproariously. "Where did you find those two, Ryuzaki?" he queried between bouts of laughter.
"Amy-chan grew up with me for several years and then resorted to a life of crime in the streets of London after I moved away. She found Juro-kun there, and the two have been quite nearly inseparable ever since. I apprehended them four years later."
"Hey…" you mused, "that would've been the year we first met…"
"It was also the year he apprehended me," Aiber recalled with a far-off look, his brow furrowed in concentration. "A lot happened that year, it seems…"
"Mm…" Ryuzaki mused, standing there for a few moments. "Certainly an interesting year…"
"And hey, now we can all have a big ol' happy reunion," you said with jokingly false enthusiasm. "Break out the champagne…"
"Eh, break out the handcuffs," Light corrected. "I mean, come on—we're trying to catch the world's worst mass murderer, here…" He tugged on the chain that linked them impatiently. "Ryuzaki…"
The detective turned to face him. "Yagami-kun, I beg you to remember the manners taught you by your parents…"
Light looked extremely confused (not that you blamed him). "Manners?!"
"Yes. There is such a word as 'please.' I'm in the middle of a conversation."
You rolled your eyes and shoved Ryuzaki into Light in the direction of the computers. "Hey, get going, Emily Post. Besides, you're one to talk!" (1)
"So, when's the wedding?" Aiber asked casually, and Wedy smirked, pulling out a cigarette.
"Hey, um, do you mind, Wedy-san?" you said cautiously. "I mean… I'm allergic to cigarette smoke."
Her eyes narrowed in disbelief, but she replaced the cigarette in a box in her tiny handbag, and sighed her frustration.
"Anyway, you were saying something about a wedding, Aiber-san?" You frowned. "I'm sorry, but I haven't the faintest idea as to what you're taking about…"
"Come, now, Keiko-san…" He leveled his gaze.
"If you wanna keep an engagement a secret," Wedy muttered, "you might want to refrain from wearing stuff like this." She held up a silver chain and a white-gold diamond ring…
You froze momentarily and felt at your neck. The chain was missing…! "What the hell—!? GIVE ME BACK MY RING!!" you cried, growling.
"Keiko, please lower your volume," Ryuzaki called from the computer. "Wedy-san, would you please not steal, take, or in any other way purloin any item or items from the premises, by which I mean the entire grounds…? That includes my fiancée's ring…"
"So now he openly admits it!" Light exclaimed dully, gesturing half-heartedly with his hand. "Yeah, admit it to black-market hotshots, but don't tell me, the innocent college student…"
"Light-kun, may I remind you, this chain is in place for a reason." Ryuzaki sighed and turned away from the boy, a flat-out refusal to continue the conversation.
Behind the ex-task force's backs, you mimed slitting your wrists before Wedy and Aiber, who smirked. "This is what we deal with on a daily basis…"
"You have my condolences," Aiber said, nodding for emphasis as he placed one hand on your shoulder. "Seriously…"
Ryuzaki's voice came from across the room. "Keiko…"
You inhaled deeply before exhaling and answering simultaneously, "Yeah…?"
"Come look at these statistics…"
Rolling your eyes, you nodded a brief farewell to the two criminals and headed back over to Ryuzaki.
"What about your ring…?" Wedy wondered, a little befuddled.
"What about it?" You turned around to face her, already fastening the chain about your neck once again as you walked backwards. A slightly devious smile twisted your lips upward.
Wedy just stared at you blankly for several seconds before turning to leave with Aiber, an expression of burning frustration coloring her fair features.
HIDDEN IDENTITIES
A few days passed. Matsuda and Misa were constantly gone, as she was the lead in director Nishinaka's new film, Spring Eighteen. Meanwhile, you'd neither seen nor heard from Aiber or Wedy, and you were doing a few odd things here and there—double-checking stats and helping with guess work when you weren't cooking for everyone. That job got you so much thanks and praise from everyone that you found you didn't much mind having to perform such a menial task, as no one took you for granted.
One lazy day, you were all sitting about the monitor room, working at a sluggish pace. It was just one of those days where everyone felt more like meaninglessly pondering the mysteries of life—or simply nothing at all—rather than do actual work. Light, in particular, seemed vulnerable to this, as he hadn't touched his keyboard (or his entire computer, for that matter) for five whole minutes. You frowned, but said nothing. You'd had days like that, too…
But Ryuzaki, apparently, thought that he needed a reason. "What's with the serious face?" he asked.
Light shook his head ever so slightly, and sat up, removing his chin from his hand, where he'd been leaning. "Oh… nothing, just tired from staring at the monitor all day."
"Liar," you muttered aloud. Everyone knew it—he stared at a computer screen for several hours every day. At least no one cared about this lie.
"I've hacked into the Yotsuba company computer," he continued, "but there's nothing here that leads to Kira… whoa!"
Ryuzaki leaned across him almost laterally, staring widely at Light's monitor (and mildly surprising the boy). "Wo-o-ow! With skills like this, I bet you could've hacked into the police system too."
You smirked at his childish and erratic behavior. One minute, he was deadly serious and all business, and the next, he was squirrely and restless and completely immature.
"Ryuzaki…" came a new voice. You all turned to the computers, one of which now bore the "L" symbol. "Detective Eraldo Coil has been asked to 'uncover L's identity…'" Watari reported calmly and without any inhibitions whatsoever.
His sanguine attitude—and Ryuzaki's, to boot—made you suspicious. When were they ever so confident that they were safe…? There had to be some kind of trick or secret you were missing…
"I've determined that the request came from Yotsuba Group's Tokyo office VP of Rights and Planning, Masahiko Kida."
"Great work, Watari," Ryuzaki said in a no-nonsense voice, nodding curtly.
You frowned. "Um… Ryuu… why are you so calm about this…? I know you're number one and Coil is number two, but… you're usually paranoid that regular people will discover your identity, so why aren't you worried about the world's second-best detective?"
"This is bad," Yagami agreed in a grave tone, stroking his chin meditatively. "We're already short-handed here and now we also have to worry about Coil… And nobody knows what Coil looks like, either…"
"There's nothing to worry about," Ryuzaki said in a flat, bored voice. "Eraldo Coil… is also me."
Huh!? WHAT THE FREAKING HELL!? Your mind was swimming. How many identities does Lawliet have, for Pete's sake!? This is ridiculous… How can someone be the world's top TWO detectives…?
SMACK!!
Your ruminations were interrupted as you slipped from your spot on the couch to land on the floor in a sprawling heap.
Everyone looked back over to see if you were okay. "I'm cool…" you managed to say weakly. "No need to ask if I'm okay… I'm just having an out-of-body experience, here."
"You're Coil!?" Yagami exclaimed loudly, eyes wide open.
"The top three detectives in the world, L, Coil, and Deneuve are all me. Please don't tell anyone, though."
"Hunhehnungevehleuh…?" you blabbered. "Howihthah…? Whahya…?! HUH!?"
"You're not handling this well at all, Keiko," Ryuzaki remarked with amusement as he held a teacup delicately.
"Heh… nice one, Ryuzaki," Light appraised with a grin. But he let the knowledge just sink into his brain and continued with the search for Masahiko Kida, Yotsuba's vice president of Rights and Planning.
You, on the other hand, were still in shock. Sitting there on the cold metal floor, legs akimbo and arms limp at your sides, you stared at the floor in your own world. Holy freaking crap…
The top… three… detectives… I'm marrying the top… three… detectives… in the world…
Hamana hamana hamana…
"Haha, looks like Keiko's having trouble processing a 'three for the price of one' deal, here," Light commented, turning around to look at you. "I think she's blown a fuse…"
You twitched, which didn't help the image. Finally, after everyone lost interest in staring at you, your head whirled around to them. "Ryuzaki, when in the world did this happen!?"
"I've been Coil and Deneuve for five years, now."
"You've been running around the world, masquerading as three über-famous detectives for all this time, and you've never told me!?"
"It was irrelevant."
" 'Irrelevant…?!'" That threw you. You shook your head vigorously. "Okay… I think you've finally managed to genuinely and thoroughly confuse me. Congratulations."
"And it only took me five years."
"Ha, only," echoed Light, grinning from ear to ear. "Geez, Keiko, you're reminding me of the time we got a Sega Genesis."
Yagami smiled broadly and laughed at that. "Ah, yes, the look on your face is rather similar to the one you had back then…"
"It's good to know that I'm reduced to the relative level of a discontinued 1990s gaming platform," Ryuzaki muttered, deflating slightly. "The worth of three famous detectives is equivalent to one outdated video game system. I am unduly flattered, Keiko. Thank you."
You twitched again. "Th-three detectives…"
(1—Emily Post is the author of Emily Post's Etiquette. Her name has become synonymous with good manners in N. America, but no one knows that anymore… Search her on Wikipedia. There's not much, but there's enough there to explain.)
And stay tuned for next chapter, from whence the series will be titled Yon Ichiban Keiji, Fourth-best Detective!
