An emotional piece. Don't say I didn't warn you! Takes place after the birth of Beth during "Journey". Quinn leaves her daughter a letter.


Letters

Dear Beth,

There are so many things I want to tell you, and I'm so sorry it has to be through this. It's impersonal and ridiculous, but since there's no other way, I guess it'll do for now. There are just some things you need to know, and when you're old enough to read this, maybe we can finally talk about it face to face.

You don't know this, but I used to talk to you a lot.

When nobody was home, I used to lie down on my bed and speak to you for two, even three hours straight. Whether it was at my house or Finn's or your dad's or Mercedes (I was kind of homeless for awhile), it didn't matter how lonely I felt. Everything else just seemed to disappear and it would be just you and me, and that was all that mattered.

I would hold you and cradle you and whisper to you little secrets. I didn't like doing this so much in the beginning, but after awhile, it became my favorite thing to do. I would tell you I wouldn't care what you decided to do with your life, whether you wanted to be a singer or a scientist or a poet or a dancer, you would still be loved all the same. Even if takes you a little longer to find yourself and find your niche, I tell you everything will be okay. I tell you, as much as I can, that this will all turn out okay.

I tell you I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I had to give you away, but it was for the best. You wouldn't be happy with me. I wouldn't be able to take care of you. Even if I tried, you would be miserable and wished that I had given you away. You wouldn't be able to go to a private school or a good college because I wouldn't be able to afford it. We'd basically be homeless, and food would be out of the question. Unless like you like women shelters. I wouldn't be able to be with you a lot because I'd be working all the time, and I wouldn't want to leave you with just anybody. Your father and I are just kids. We don't even know how to love ourselves, let alone a beautiful baby girl.

God, you were the most perfect little baby I had ever seen.

You were so tiny. So unbelievably tiny. Pale skin. Traces of dark blonde hair. You kept your eyes closed most of the time, but they were green when you opened them. Green, just like mine. You had ten fingers. Ten toes. Two legs and two arms. You rested your head gently against my chest, a perfect little bundle depending on my very existence.

You were beautiful. I know all newborn babies look the same, but you were different. You were gorgeous.

The first person to carry you after myself was your father. He looked like he was going to melt. It made everything easier and harder at the same time. For a beautiful hour, we were a family. I kissed you on the forehead and tried to commit your smell to my memory.

In that moment, I promised myself I would find the perfect family for you. They would have a nice house and home-cooked meals every night. They would love good movies and Disneyland, and they would be really happy, so I know you'd be really happy. But the moment I had to give you away, it was the first time I was alone in nine months. Sometimes I feel the ghost of you in my arms, and all I have is the hope that you will never have to feel that kind of pain ever.

I know you won't like me for a long time. I know you'll think I abandoned you. I know you'll wish that I had cared for you enough to keep you, and I'm so sorry. I do care. I do love you. I love you so much, Beth. But I want you to be happy, so I'm giving you the biggest gift I can.

You are going to have two sets of parents. Two sets of people who love you unconditionally. And maybe there will be times that you wish you were with me, and I know there will be many times where I wish the same thing, but I want you to know that even though I'm not your mother, I am still your mom. No one can give that bond away, not even me. So maybe you won't understand this for awhile, and maybe things will get really bad for the both of us, but what does not destroy us will make us stronger. Maybe in the future, we can meet. I'll drive up to see you. I'll look at how big you've gotten, and I'll be amazed by how much we look alike. You'll probably be feisty and unpredictable yet cheerful and compassionate. You'll be the most wonderful person with the brightest smile, and it makes me feel so... complete just thinking about that smile. I can't say that it won't hurt when I think of you, but I still hold onto the hope that you'll be happy. My baby will be happy. In the end, that's all I can really ask for.

One day, we'll both be more experienced and smarter, and hopefully, we won't be so broken. Maybe then, we could marvel at how we've both grown. Maybe then, you'll understand that all this time, I've loved you. Maybe then, we can lie under the night sky and watch the sun rise.

Until then,

Quinn


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