Author's Note: This is my attempt at dark and twisty. I wasn't able to fully pull it off. *Sigh* My name is cvreitzer and I'm a fluff-aholic.
Alt ending 1
Hawke
I woke feeling pain coursing through my body. My mind cloudy with the potions he'd been giving me. I struggled against the chains but it was no use. I was bound tightly to the table in the dark room. Some sort of cavern holding cell. I wasn't sure what he had done to Lea or Fenris, but I had been here for days now. I couldn't remember how he had got me or where he had taken me. The beatings and potions were taking their toll on me. I wasn't sure how much more I could stand without going mad.
I wasn't able to stay awake long, the pull of the potions tugged me back into the hated haze leaving me floating somewhere between waking and sleep. It was worse than the peace of the oblivion. Here I could hear and feel, but was helpless to do anything about it while he spoke his crazy talk and tortured me, trying to break me. I feared he was going to win, be it my submission or my death. I couldn't tell which he wanted most.
I heard voices enter the room and a hand striking flesh. "You idiot! What have you done? I told you to hold her, not torture her!" Snapped an unfamiliar male voice.
"But Master, I wished to show you my usefulness. I wished to show you what I could do. And she is broken now. Ready to be transformed, just as you wanted." Pleaded a simpering female voice.
"I had plans for her. I was going to use her to strengthen my position in the senate. I was going to show my power and control through her. Now I will have to wipe her clean. She will be little more than a shell." Said the man in disgust. "Do you know how long it will take to reprogram her? We can't keep her hidden forever. As it is the others are looking for her."
This filled me with hope. Fenris was still alive and would come for me. I didn't know who these people were, but they must have been working with Sebastian. More people trying to use me.
"We can wipe just the dreams I've been giving her. Or give her new ones. I've learned the key to keeping her in them. This latest one has been most successful. If she woke now, she would believe that the brother was the one holding her."
I felt someone move closer and tilt my face. A cold hand lightly caressed my cheek. What was the woman talking about? The male's voice spoke close to me. "I am intrigued enough to hear about your apparent success."
I could hear the relief in the woman's voice as she moved closer. "I was trying to use her apparent closeness to the brother…"
"You mean the Starkhaven heir?" The man asked, interrupting her.
"Yes. But he was a failure. She woke from the dream and would nearly manage to escape each time. I had to introduce something that she wouldn't want to leave. I had to give her more control over the dream, adapt it to fit what she did."
"Clever, my apprentice, clever. Tell me more." The man purred.
"Well, I started with the prince drugging her. But it wasn't enough, she still resisted him. So then I made her pregnant. But she refused to believe it was his. She believed it was slavers who had caught her."
"A bit of reality bleeding in. This is good." The man said.
"At first I was afraid about it, but then I proceeded with it. You said you wanted her to lead the mage rebellions so I had him pushing her to take the side of the Chantry."
"You used her own aversion to the Chantry against her?" He chuckled.
"And her seeming aversion to him. Each time I tried to introduce him as a sweet and loving partner, she woke. So I changed him to a manipulative and pushy partner."
"And she believed it?"
"Completely. The next thing was a surprise. One I feel you might find useful."
"Do tell."
"Her chosen protector and lover was none other than Leto."
"You mean Fenris." The man said, displeasure clear in his voice.
"Of course, Master. Forgive me."
"I can see why she would chose him. The boy is very skilled." The man said as he lightly touched my face again.
"With a few simple prompts from me, she created an elaborate fantasy world with him and her daughter."
"Why did you chose a daughter?" He asked.
"She is still reeling from the loss of her mother. She was wanting to name the child after her if it was a girl." The woman answered.
"You are proving to be most devious. I am growing more and more pleased with our arrangement." The man said.
"Thank you, Master. I do want to please you."
"But you mentioned that she was starting to give you problems these last days?"
"Yes. I was forced to come up with a villain for her. I used some mages she had had trouble with before. And the templars she trusted. I had them take her daughter and sister in a plot of revenge on her. Show her how much the Circle was failing."
"And that was a problem?" He pressed.
"No. She did side with the mages when I pushed her to a final showdown with the Knight-Commander. What did was she was fighting to get away. She woke up and nearly escaped again. I managed to salvage the dream by using a glamour spell, portraying one of the men as the prince. He tortured her until we could drug her again. She believes that he has captured her. She's been in and out of awake and dream state, screaming for Fenris and Lea, begging the prince to let her go."
The man moved back and ran a hand down my cheek and then into my hair. "It's sad how fragile even the strongest mind can become. You think we can erase the dream and give her a new one? Make it so she will take the viscount seat in opposition to Meredith? I've been speaking with the nobles. They will back her. And if she will support the mages…" The man trailed off.
"It's just what you need to prove you are the right candidate for the dying archon's replacement." The girl said. I heard them leave the room. Fear and confusion consumed me as silence filled the room.
Who were these people? Where was Sebastian, Fenris, and Lea? That couldn't have been just a dream. It was too real. This was a lie. Another ploy of Sebastian's. He wanted me to feel all alone. He was going to say he was rescuing me from these people. Take me to Lea. This was just a new game in his torture.
Or maybe I had been right when I had said I was possessed. Maybe this was nothing more than a demon controlling my mind. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was spinning and distorting. What was real? I had to get away from here. I had to find the others. I had to find Fenris and Lea.
I forced my eyes open and made them focus. I was stretched across a table. Arms bound above my head and ankles bound at each corner. I wiggled my hands and found a bit of slack in the manacles around my wrist. It would be tight and hurt, but it wasn't going to stop me. I began fighting to get my hand free. Finally one hand slipped out, my blood slicking my skin enough to give me the leverage I needed.
I went still as the pain of it threatened to take me under. I bit into my lip, forcing myself to focus. I couldn't let any of them win. I wasn't a tool to be used. Be it Sebastian's crazy I had been given to him by the Maker, some demon from the Fade, or some Tevinter Magistrate who thought I was the key to winning the archon's seat.
I worked my other hand free and sat up. The motion caused my vision to swim as pain bloomed in my head, spots danced before my eyes. A few deep breaths around the pain in my ribs and I was able to see again. I was pleased to see the ankle manacles had easy to remove latches. They had thought with my hands chained that was enough to keep me locked away. They had another thing coming.
I climbed off the table and looked around for a weapon of some sort. Footsteps were coming down the hall. There was nothing. I was going to have to use my injured hands. I crouched ready to fight when the door opened and a most welcomed sight cautiously looked into the room.
"Fenris!" I whispered in relief. I rushed to him, hugging him tightly. He had found me. He had come for me. He was alright. "Where's Lea?"
"Hawke, we have to get you out of here. Are you alright to walk?" He asked looking down at me as he held stiff in my arms. I was puzzled by his greeting. Why would he call me Hawke? Why wasn't he holding me? Why didn't he answer me about Lea?
"Fenris…I…" I stumbled back in fear as Sebastian walked in behind him. I couldn't let him hurt Fenris. "Look out!" I warned. Fenris tensed and looked back. He then turned to me in confusion.
"Hawke, it's alright. You're safe now." Sebastian said slowly moving to stand by Fenris.
"I'll do whatever you want, just leave him and Lea alone." I begged.
"What's wrong with her?" Sebastian asked looking at Fenris.
"I don't know. She keeps asking where someone named Lea is." Fenris said frowning. "From the looks of it, they've been torturing her. She's probably out of her mind on potions right now. She may not even realize we're here."
Somehow they had gotten to Fenris. It had to be. "No! You gave him the potions too, didn't you? You weren't content with ruining me, you had to take everything from me as well!" I yelled and threw myself at Sebastian.
"Hawke! I would never hurt anyone, let alone you or Fenris!" Sebastian said and held me to him as I tried to hit him. Fenris watched me as if I was possessed. His eyes the cold and impersonal eyes from before Lea was born. He was gone from me. All of it was falling apart. My mind hurt, images were splitting. Lives…two separate lives were emerging. I couldn't tell what was real.
As I tried to hold the pieces together I saw them for what they were. Lea wasn't real. That life with Fenris wasn't real. It had all been a dream. A dark and twisted dream meant to break me. I sobbed as I realized it. My heart breaking in agony of my beloved daughter being gone. No not gone, never even existed. It was too much. I couldn't take it. I couldn't survive it. Not another thing taken from me.
"As much as I hate to suggest this, we need to get her to the abomination." Fenris said watching me as I struggled to breath past the pain that was destroying me. "I don't know what they've done to her, but maybe he can fix it."
"I agree. What are we going to do about the masterminds behind this?" Sebastian asked as he sat me down.
"We can't leave her here like this. And she's in no shape to fight. We're going to have to let them go." Fenris snarled and angrily punched the wall. "They're going to get away. We should have waited for the guards to come as well."
"Fenris! They've had Hawke for a week now! We couldn't wait another moment." Sebastian said and lightly tilted my chin up. "I'm so sorry, Hawke. We never should have left you. We'll get you out of here. It's going to be alright now."
Calm washed over me. A decision made. I swallowed hard and pulled the mantle of Champion around me. I would wear it this one last time. Be the person they thought me to be. I shoved away the hurt and pain. I would look at it later. "They were after me."
"What?" Sebastian asked pushing hair back from my face.
"Should we trust anything she says right now?" Fenris asked eyeing me. It was all I could do not to sob in misery as he looked at me. I loved him so much and he didn't care an ounce about me. He never had. I was a tool to be used by him as well.
"They were in here speaking, but I was confused by it. But I see now that all the other was a dream. They made me believe…it's not important." I said and shook my head. I would tell them the dream later. Or maybe just write it down. Leave it for them to find to explain why I was going away. "One of them is a Magistrate who is trying to secure his position to take over for the dying archon." I said and rubbed my wrist. The pain of the raw skin felt like a relief against the pain of my mind and heart.
"They were talking about this? You're sure?" Fenris asked moving closer to me.
I nodded. "The woman apprentice called you Leto and the man corrected her and called you Fenris."
"Leto…how do you know this name?" Fenris demanded and moved closer to me. He grabbed my arm jerking me up.
"Your sister told it to us when we went to see her…that was all in the dream wasn't it?"
"We haven't seen my sister. She's here in town. She wanted to meet with me in a few days. I hadn't told you that I had written her." Fenris growled at me. "Danarius." He spat the word.
"You really think so?" Sebastian asked.
"She couldn't know about Varania or the name Leto without it being them." Fenris snapped and paced away.
"Well, now we know that meeting your sister is a trap. Do we face them now?" Sebastian asked and eyed me.
"Give me a dagger and I will help." I nodded to him.
"Are you certain you're up to it?" Fenris asked, for a second his eyes flickered with concern.
"If you knew the things they had done to me, you would not ask me that question. I will rest easier knowing those bastards won't do this to another." I said and took the offered dagger from Sebastian.
"I'll check the hallway. Wait here a moment." Sebastian said giving me an encouraging smile.
"Are you…alright? Danarius is…brutal." Fenris asked quietly. The pity in his eyes was worse than the cold.
"From the sounds of things, he's just recently arrived. I was tortured at the hands of your sister. All for her to prove her worth to him."
"Hawke, I had no idea that she would betray me. I had no idea they would come after you. I'm sorry that my mess keeps ending up in your lap." Fenris said looking down at the ground.
I gave him a smile I hoped was convincing. "That's what friends are for, isn't it?" I reached out and caught his hand. I knew he hated to be touched, but I needed that contact one last time. "I'm sorry that it's turned out like this. I'll understand if you don't want us to hurt your sister."
He squeezed my hand briefly before pulling away. "A sister is what you have with Bethany. She would never harm you or anyone you cared about. That woman is using us to climb the social ladder. She hurt my friend. I won't allow that to go unpunished."
"Come on. The coast is clear. I can hear voices farther in." Sebastian said reappearing. Fenris gave me a sharp nod and I followed him out. We would finish this now.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Fenris
I leaned against the wall wishing I could just disappear. Hawke had just finished her story of what they had done to her. She had tried to dodge around it, but we all kept pressing. I had to know the details. I had to know what I had cost her this time.
"Are you really sure you want to hear all the horrid details?" She had asked as she stared at the fireplace. She wouldn't meet any of our eyes for very long. The pain when she looked at me was killing me. It was all my fault and she knew it.
"It might make you feel better to talk about it." Anders had encouraged her as she held the cup of tea he had made her to sooth her ragged nerves.
She had never touched it though. I had watched her out from under my hair as she had told her tale of the dream and life that Varania had built for her and then had destroyed. Her voice was dead and calm. Too calm for the horrors she spoke of. A year. She had lived a year in her dreams. With a daughter and a lover. I feared the resignation I saw in her eyes. I had seen that look before.
There had been a slave that Danarius had bought from Ferelden. A spirited and beautiful girl who refused to submit to being a slave. The girl had fought tirelessly against everything thrown at her. I had admired her courage as much as I thought her foolish. Then one day she had emerged from Danarius room, the same look on her face as Hawke had now. A hollow look in her eyes. As if she had already died, the body just didn't know it yet.
Danarius had been pleased with himself. Saying he had broken the unbreakable. That night the girl threw herself out of the attic window. She had died rather than give into the slavery. I was worried Hawke might be feeling the same way. She was strong though. I had worried about her after her mother's death and the Arishok's as well. She had been hollow for a while, but snapped out of it. Surely this would be no different.
"Oh, Hawke!" Merrill had sobbed and laid her head in Hawke's lap. Hawke cringed slightly from the contact and then gently laid her hand on Merrill's head.
"Don't worry about me, Merrill. I'm alright now."
"Hawke, you can't go through that unscathed. To have love and a child and have them taken away…" Varric said watching her with pain filled eyes. Hawke's eyes flicked to mine, misery clear in hers for a moment before she masked the pain.
"Better to have loved and lost, right? It was a dream, guys. I'll get over it." She said and stood up. "It's late and I'm exhausted. I'll see you all later." She said and started out of the room. I hurried after her.
"Hawke, we should talk." I said unsure what I was supposed to tell her. How did you comfort someone after what she'd been through?
She swallowed hard and shook her head. "There is nothing to talk about, Fenris. Unless you were wanting to talk about what happened today with Danarius and Varania."
"My feelings on that can wait. You've been through…" I started, but she cut me off with a bitter laugh.
"I know what I've been through. I'm sure you can relate. You were at his mercy for years. I had one week. You don't owe me anything, Fenris. It was just a dream." She said and started away.
"But it was real to you. I was real to you." I said causing her to pause on the stairs.
"What do you want from me? Yes, it was real to me. Yes, I was in love with you. Yes, seeing the way you look at me now is painful. But it was a dream. I'll get over it." She turned to me, tears brightening her lyrium eyes. "Happy now?"
"Hawke, I…" I tried. She closed her eyes for a second and let out a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have taken this out on you. None of this is your fault. I just need some time." She said her eyes softening as she looked at me.
"It is my fault. You were helping me hunt the slavers. I abandoned you to go after that one. I'm the one who let them get away with you. I'm the one they used to torture you." I said as misery washed over me. She was the one good thing to ever come in my life and I had ruined it.
I had never known how to show her how I felt about her. I had wanted to hate her. She was a friend of mages after all. It was only a matter of time before she betrayed me or used me. But she hadn't. She had taken all the abuse and coldness I had dealt her. She had continued to come around and help me even when I could tell I hurt her.
I had wanted to push her away. I was afraid of the feelings she stirred up in me. And then I couldn't bear the thought of being without her. She had broken through all my walls and was busily repairing the damage others had left behind.
I had wanted more with her than just the friendship she readily offered, but I didn't know how to go about it. Or how she felt about me. I was an escaped elven slave living in a borrowed mansion, and she was the Champion of Kirkwall.
She had been a true friend, seeing me through my struggles, helping me find a place. And I repaid her by abandoning her to slavers. She had every right to hate and blame me.
She moved to me and started to reach out for me. She dropped her hand back. "Sorry. I'll eventually remember you don't like to be touched." She gave me a sad smile. "This isn't your fault, Fenris. I should have followed you rather than try and take them on my own. I should have insisted we take someone else with us. And they were after me that time. He wanted to use me to farther his position. It had nothing to do with you. They found my weakness and used it against me. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. All they did was on them." She ducked down so she was looking me in the eye as I ducked my head. "I in no way blame you for any of this."
I nodded mutely, unable to bear to look her in the eyes. She was annoyingly good and forgiving. I wished just once she would get angry with me. She started to turn and walk away, but I caught her wrist. I loosened my grip as she sucked in a sharp breath.
"I'm sorry." I whispered to her. There was so much I wanted to say, but all of it sounded stupid and hollow.
She gave me a sad smile. "Me, too." She pulled away and went up the stairs. I stayed there until the others moved into the room. I glanced at Varric as he moved to my side. The others quietly left, leaving us staring at her closed door.
"How're you holding up?" He asked.
"I'm not the one who was tortured." I snapped.
"But you killed your former master and sister today. And found out how Hawke really feels about you. That's a lot to take in."
"It was a dream, Varric."
"She wouldn't have been so easily fooled if it didn't have some basis in truth. Think of all the times she's faced demons and blood mages. None have been able to hold her."
"Danarius isn't like the other mages she's encountered before."
"But Varania was. And she's the one who gave Hawke the dream. Look, I know you like to be the tough lone wolf type…" I snarled at him as he poked at my name again. He gave me a shrug and continued. "But I can see that you have some sort of feelings for her. Now might be the time to tell her."
"Right. I'm supposed to tell her that I have some sort of feelings for her, that you have imagined," I added as his eyes took on a gleam of smugness. "All after the torture she went through at the hands of my former master and sister? I don't know much about relationships and all, but I'm fairly certain now wouldn't be the time to have that sort of talk. She's going through enough right now."
"That's what I'm worried about. Couldn't you hear it in her voice? This is as bad as when she lost her mother."
"I know. I just don't know what to do for her. She said she needed time." I said and hung my head in misery. I had thought things would be better now that Danarius was dead, but it was just as messy and complicated as when he'd been alive. He would haunt me forever it seemed.
Varric sighed and nodded. "All we can do is follow her lead on this. Like we did when her mother was killed." He shook his head. "How much trauma can one girl survive before it breaks her?" He turned and started for the door. "I'm going to come back first thing in the morning. Will I find you here, or are you leaving now that you're free?"
I glanced at the closed door. I wasn't going anywhere. I would stay by Hawke's side as long as she allowed me too. "I'll be around." I answered.
"Good. Don't think she can handle losing anyone else right now."
-0-
I went home, but sleep eluded me. Hawke and Varric's words haunting me. Images of the other slave laying broken on the pavement, a look of serenity on her face was replaced with Hawke's face each time I closed my eyes. Finally I got up. I wouldn't rest until I knew she was alright. I hadn't been much comfort when her mother had died, but she had later told me she appreciated me coming by.
I made my way through her house silently. If she was asleep, I would just leave. If she was up, I would sit with her all night if she wished it. But her room was dark and empty. Fear washed over me. Where could she be?
I froze as I saw the envelops on the desk. I grabbed the one addressed to me and tore it open. I scanned it quickly and then bolted. I knew where she was. I just hoped I could get there in time.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Hawke
I stared out at the turbulent sea. The moonlight danced on the angry waves. The wind wiped my hair around. Bethany's voice danced in my mind. The first time we had come to this spot she had laughed, happy to be away from Kirkwall. "Look, sister, if you try really hard, we might could see home again."
I felt guilty as I thought of her. I had a letter in my room addressed to her. Bohdan would find it in the morning and see that she got it. There was one for each of my companions. I felt slight guilt as I thought of each of them, but it wasn't enough to stop me.
They were each settled and didn't need me anymore. Merrill had her stupid mirror that she wouldn't give up. Isabela had her ship and only stuck around for me. Sebastian was secure in the Chantry as he wanted. Anders was leading a fight that I feared was going to kill him, but he had a peace about it. Varric was typical Varric. He didn't need anyone or anything. Aveline had the guards well in hand and was very happily married. Bethany was happy and safe in the Circle. And Fenris…Fenris was free now.
The letters were goodbye letters. I was leading them all to believe that I was going to Ferelden. I didn't want them to look for me. I didn't want to be found. I just wanted peace. I wanted what was lost to me.
"Don't do it." Fenris said breathlessly from behind me. I closed my eyes as pain and shame washed over me.
"I should have known you would find me." I sighed heavily. Maybe I could bluff my way out of this.
"Then you should have picked another spot if you didn't want me to find you." He said and moved around to face me. "How could you do this to us?"
"I'm not doing anything to anyone." I protested. He held up his letter. I frowned at him and crossed my arms, hoping to hide the dagger from his sight. "You went in my room."
"Don't even try that with me, Lila Hawke! How could you think this is the answer?"
"I don't know what you're talking about? Why can't I leave?"
"If you were leaving, it would be fine, but you aren't leaving like you're trying to make me believe." He snapped and jerked the dagger from me.
"Hey!" I protested. "I have to have some protection out here."
He sniffed the dagger and frowned at me. "Black Death. You really expect me to believe you bought and coated your dagger with Black Death just to have handy incase you were attacked." I was going to have to up my game if I wanted him to go away.
"After what I've been through, yes." I said coldly. I refused to cringe as he did. Pain flicking across his face quickly.
He narrowed his eyes at me. "These letters might fool the others, but I know better."
"You know nothing. I'm leaving. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I'm tired of being a tool to be used by whoever next decides they should use me. I want to be free."
He stalked towards me and clasped my shoulder tightly. "Say that you weren't going to kill yourself. Say it."
"I was leaving." I said unable to look him in the eye. I had never been a good liar.
"Liar. Say it. If you weren't going to kill yourself, tell me that and I'll leave." He tossed the dagger over the cliff edge. I tried to get to it, growling at him in protest. He jerked me back around, holding my upper arms tightly. "Say it!" He yelled and shook me.
"I don't have to tell you anything!" I yelled back.
"Yes, you do. I'm not letting you do this!" His eyes weren't the least bit cold right now. They were angry and worried. I couldn't stand it. I struggled trying to get free from him. "Lila, please!" He begged. I froze at his words. He had said my name.
I crumbled as I looked back at him. All my walls falling when faced with the man who had come to mean so much to me. "I can't do this." I sobbed. He pulled me to him tightly and held me, awkwardly patting my back as I cried. I gave in for a moment, taking comfort from the man I loved, but then I shoved away from him. "You don't understand. None of you do. I can't…it's too much…" I cried brokenly and leaned on a rock looking out at the sea.
"Then make me understand." He said moving to stand next to me.
"She was real, Fenris. And now she's gone. It's like they killed her." I cried.
"Lea." He said quietly.
"My arms ache without her in them. My heart feels like it's shattered. I…" I sobbed a moment as I thought of her bright and happy smile. "She was so beautiful and happy. She was so…She loved you so much. And you were so good with her. So attentive and…" I trailed off and looked at him. Misery clearly written all over him as he slouched tightly. "You looked at us with love in your eyes. And now you look at me so coldly and with pity. I've lost her and I've lost you and I can't go on."
"You haven't lost me." He said and shifted a bit closer to me. I laughed bitterly.
"You can't lose what you never had, right? I should just get over it. Shut down and move on. That's what you would do, right?"
"Lila, no! You've been through so much. I don't expect you to just get over it. I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know what to say to get you through this. But I'm here. I care. Don't do this. Don't leave us." He caught my face and turned me to face him. "Don't leave me."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Fenris
I searched her eyes, pleading with her to see what I couldn't say out loud. She watched me for a moment before she jerked back. "I don't need your pity, Fenris. I don't want you to say all this to get me through this. You can't get me through this. Nothing can get me through this. I just want peace." She sobbed. "I just want to stop hurting."
"Lila…" I tried to think of what to do or say. Anyone else would have known what to do.
I thought of how she had reacted when I had walked into the cell. She had thrown herself at me, clinging to me like a lifeline. At first I had been dismayed about it. I didn't like to be touched and a sobbing Hawke who looked like she was barely alive was so much worse than just being touched. But she had wanted a connection with me. At the time I thought it was simply out of relief to see a friend after the ordeal she had been through, but now knowing that in her dream we had been lovers…
I crushed her to me, shoving aside the discomfort of her contact. But the sting of the marks was short lived. She felt good here. Right somehow. Like a piece of me had been missing and was finally in place.
She struggled at first, but then curled into me, latching onto me and sobbing. I supported us to the ground and rocked her awkwardly. I had nothing to say to her. I was a blank of what to do so I just sat there and let her sob.
She quieted eventually and shoved away from me. "Don't. You're just making this worse. I know you're trying to help, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that you care. I can't pretend it's all going to be alright again. Please just let me go."
"Lila, I do care." I protested.
"Don't. Don't call me that. You always call me Hawke. You don't like to be touched. You barely tolerate my company. On one occasion you opened up and told me about how you escaped. Don't pretend that there's anything more than maybe friends. I can't handle it. You aren't responsible for what they did. You aren't responsible for what I do. So don't pretend that you care to try and stop me from leaving."
I had always wanted to call her Lila. Her name was beautiful, but it had felt wrong to be so informal with her. She deserved respect. My slave training had always guided me to keep my emotions and thoughts tightly reigned. Disdain, anger, and disinterest were the only things I ever showed. And I had made her believe I didn't care.
"I like your name. It's beautiful. I remember the first time I heard it. Your mother was lecturing you about staying out so late. I thought the name suited you. You are strong and proud like a hawk, but you are also beautiful and gentle like your name suggest." Maybe if I just kept fumbling around, I would finally convince her I cared. She looked at me as if I had suggested mages should be free.
She then shook her head. "Please don't make this worse."
"I don't want to make it worse, but it seems this might be my only chance. I do care about you, Lila." I said her name not liking that she cringed, but in for a copper… "I've always wanted to call you by your name, but I felt it too informal for someone who deserved so much respect. I might have always seemed as if I didn't want you around, but that was only because I was frightened of you." She looked at me puzzled. Puzzled was better than broken and angry. "You made me feel things. I had been closed off for so long and then you walked in. It was as if I was suddenly in a different world. Everything had been black and white and now there were so many colors it was blinding. I clung to my slave training trying to keep you back. I was scared if I let you in, you would see me. That you would see me and cast me away. That you would see the worthless and broken slave who killed the people trying to help him all because his master told him to. That you would see the man whose own family thought his only value was in how he could better elevate them. But I couldn't keep you back." I caught her hand as she started to rise and forced her to stay put. "Somewhere along the way you found your way into a part of me that I didn't know existed. I never dared to hope that you could feel the same way about me, so I kept silent. Watching you and wishing." I looked at her, daring her to look away from me as I bared my soul to her. "Don't you dare say I don't care. Because I do. More than I've ever cared about anyone else and it scares me. The thought of losing you. When I couldn't find you…when I saw you crouched in that cell…when I learned the things done to you…"
"Fenris…" She said looking wounded again. Tears pooling in her eyes, but I couldn't stop now.
"You're pain is killing me. I want so badly to be able to take it from you. I would gladly bear it all if I could spare you from it. I feel useless and helpless. I want to run from it. I want to run from you. I'm so ashamed of what I've done to you, but I can't. Fear of losing you is too great. I could bear anything but that." I cupped the back of her head and rested my forehead against hers. "Don't leave me, Lila."
"Fenris, I don't know how to go on." She whispered shifting so her cheek rested against mine.
"We'll figure it out together." I said wrapping my arms around her.
"I want so badly to give in to you, but I'm scared your only saying this out of guilt."
"I do feel guilty. But I also care about you. You are the best thing to ever come in my life. I know I can't replace the life they have taken from you, but we could build one together. I…" I hesitated. It was a huge thing to say, but it had to be said. She pulled back and looked at me. "I love you, Lila. I think I have the moment you walked out of the alienage leaving a trail of blood and dead hunters behind you. I just didn't know what it was or what to do with it. I still don't know what to do with it, but if you will give me a chance, maybe we can figure it out together."
"Is this another dream?" She asked. "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and you be gone again?" I pinched her. She jumped and rubbed her arm, glaring at me. "What was that for?" She demanded.
"I've heard that's what people do to prove it's not a dream." I said with a shrug. She surprised me by laughing.
"I felt pain in the other dream as well, so I doubt that's much of an indication, but I appreciate the effort all the same."
"Are we going to be alright?" I asked as she shifted to lean against me. She looked out at the ocean as I held her.
She laid her head against my shoulder. "It's going to take some time. I know she wasn't real, but I still feel like my daughter died."
"I understand that." I answered. "Would you like to maybe have a ceremony for her? A memorial of sorts?"
She turned and looked up at me. "You don't think it's silly? A memorial for someone who only existed in my mind?"
"No. She was alive to you. It's only right to mourn her properly."
"Thank you, Fenris." She said quietly and laid her head back against my shoulder. "Maybe we could do something, just the two of us? I don't know if the others would understand."
"They would try to. They want to support you as well, but we will do whatever you want and need."
"Fenris, when you said we could build a life together, what did you mean?"
"Just that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. However you will let me. Be it friend, or hopefully more than a friend." I tilted her chin up so she was looking at me. "By your side I will walk into whatever the future holds."
"If I wanted to leave Kirkwall?" She asked.
"So long as you allow me to come, I will follow you wherever you go. I've only stayed here for you anyway."
"If I wanted to fight to make the mages free?" She asked after a few minutes. I sighed.
"Then I would say you are a foolish woman, and I even more a fool because I follow you."
"You would defend the mages against the templars?" She asked eyeing me.
"If that was what you wanted, yes. See, Lila, I am hopelessly at your mercy." She glanced away quickly, but I turned her face back to me. "There is no place I would rather be." She shifted closer and kissed me. It was a quick and chaste kiss, but it awoke a possessiveness inside me. I jerked her back to me and kissed her, devouring her. Letting all the swirling emotions fill the kiss. She wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head against my chest.
"Well, they got one thing wrong in the dream." She said after a moment.
"What's that?" I asked fearing that she was going to say that my kiss lacked in comparison to the dream me.
"You're even better at all this than in the dream." She said giving me a mischievous smile. There was still sadness in her eyes, but the hollowness was gone.
I smiled at her, my mind filled with all the things I had dreamed of all these years. "We could go back to your home and see how many other things they got wrong."
"Hmm. I think I like the sound of that." I stood and pulled her to her feet. I laced our fingers together and pulled her along at a hurried pace. "Fenris, we have all the rest of the night." She said with a breathless laugh.
"And I plan to make the most of it."
-0-
Two months later
I laid in the large bed and stared at the canopy over it. So much had happened so quickly. Lila still had bad days, but she was recovering from both the mental and physical torture they had done to her. We had moved in together after that first night. A week later I had proposed. We had wasted six years. I wasn't going to waste another minute.
A week ago we had been married in a ridiculous ceremony at the Chantry. Neither of us were really happy with the big celebration it had turned into, but it seemed that when you married the Champion, you had to deal with large parties and crowds.
Sebastian had been a true friend and given us the use of the Starkhaven palace as our honeymoon get away. We were staying here for a month. It had been a blissful change from the crowds pressing us in Kirkwall. Here we could go around unnoticed.
We had discovered a shared love of horseback riding and spent most of our days this last week out in the vast countryside riding. When we weren't we explored the area and city. Or stayed in our room, making full use of the lavish bed that made ours at home seem a child's bed.
Something was wrong with Lila this morning. She said it was nothing, but she had been running for the bathing chamber all morning. She insisted it was the horrible fish and egg pie. I couldn't believe she had even bothered to try it. It was revolting enough to have to smell it.
She finally stumbled back out and climbed into the bed, groaning as I shifted over to her. "I'm fine." She answered as I looked at her. I arched a brow. "Fine. I'll be fine. Is that better?" She asked and gave me a tentative smile.
"I think I should get the healer." I frowned at her.
"It's just that horrible pie. From now on if it sounds gross, I don't care who I offend. I'm so not eating it. I swear I can still smell it." She scrunched up her nose. "Oh, Maker! I can." She bolted from the bed again.
"That's it. I'm going for the healer!" I said and hurried from the room before she could protest. I returned with the healer and paced as the kindly woman examined her. She finally patted Lila's hand and smiled at her.
"You're going to be just fine. Most women stop feeling like this after a few months."
"Months? The fish pie makes you sick that long?" I asked horrified.
The woman laughed and shook her head. "No, but pregnancy does. Get plenty of rest and drink lots of water. You should be just fine. Eat something like crackers or bread when you first get up. It should help with the nausea." The woman smiled as we stared at each other stunned. Pregnant?
"I'm pregnant? But…" Lila laid a hand over her stomach and stared wide eyed at the wall.
"A little more than a month from my guess. Congratulations." The healer said and patted my arm before heading to the door. "If you need anything, come see me."
I moved to sit on the bed with Lila. She wasn't moving, just staring at the wall. "Lila?" I asked worriedly. I wanted to be excited about this, but I was afraid it was going to be too much too soon for her.
"You said you wanted to build a life with me, right?" She asked looking up at me.
I smiled and pulled her into my arms. "I did. And I meant it. We're having a baby."
She smiled as she leaned against me and looked down at her hand over her stomach. I laced my fingers through hers and watched her. "We are. A baby."
"Our baby." I said tilting her up to look at me.
"Our baby. I like the sound of that."
