Previously On Queer As Folk: While visiting their friends in Pittsburgh, Melanie and Lindsay encouraged Emmett, Ted, and their partners to come and stay with them for a few days.

Emmett and Ted decided to take Mel and Linds up on their offer.


Chapter Fifty-Two

Emmett was having a wonderful time in Canada. Despite the fact that Ted had been pretty grumpy the whole drive, once they got to Mel and Linds's house, he'd relaxed. Emmett and Calvin stayed in Gus's room while Ted and Blake got the guest bedroom. The new house was nicer than they one the girls had had in Pittsburgh, it was bigger and even had a basement. "Not bad," Emmett had said when he'd first been led through.

The first night had been entertaining. Lindsay had made dinner and afterward, they stayed up all night drinking, except for Melanie, who'd gone to bed with the baby. The next day, they went out sightseeing despite their horrendous hangovers and scouted out nightclubs and bars they wanted to check out while they were in town. Lindsay and Melanie couldn't recommend any because neither of them went out clubbing much, but they did show them a couple in the neighborhood. Emmett spotted an interesting gay club called Revolver. Even though it was early afternoon, he could already hear the thumpa thumpa resounding within the building. Just think of all the fun we're going to have in there, he thought with a wicked grin.

In the window were posters advertising the upcoming Glamorous Glutes contest that Thursday. "Guys check this out," he said, motioning for the others to join him.

"Glamorous Glutes?" Ted scoffed. "What will they think of next?" He put his arm around Blake and started to walk away.

"I think we should check it out," Emmett admitted, following the group down the street

"Whatever you want," Calvin said, kissing Emmett's neck.

"Thanks baby."

"What for?" Ted asked. He didn't have the slightest interest in Glamorous Glutes or Glamorous anything for that matter. He was with Blake and that was enough.

"Uh...for fun," Emmett replied. "Remember when we used to go to all the Babylon contests? Absolute Abs, King of Babylon, Power Pecs?" He couldn't believe that Ted didn't want to go.

"Yeah, back when we were all single," Ted reminded him.

"Actually, I was the only single one, remember? The last time we went to the King of Babylon contest you were dating Blake." Ted turned and glared at him. Emmett stuck his tongue out.

Sighing, Ted held up his hands. "Fine, you want to go so bad? We'll go."

"Thanks." Emmett planted a wet kiss on Ted's cheek. "You're the best Teddy."

"Just don't expect us to go with you," Melanie said from behind them. She'd brought JR with her and was pushing the baby in a stroller.

"Oh come on Mel, you have to come!" Emmett insisted, pushing out his lower lip.

"I have to take care of the baby," she reminded him. "Take Lindsay."

"Me!" Lindsay squeaked, whirling to face Mel. "Why me? I don't like men!"

"You deserve a night out," Melanie answered. "Take advantage of it while you have someone to go out with."

"Please?" Emmett begged, folding his hands together.

"Okay," Lindsay gave in. "But only for a couple of hours. I'm not exactly going to fit in."

"Next time you're in Pittsburgh, I'll go to Dyke Night with you," Emmett promised. This seemed to appease Lindsay.

"Deal." They shook on it.

When they got back to the house, Lindsay put JR down for a nap. "How about we go out tonight?" Melanie suggested. "There's a great bar just around the corner. It's kind of like Woody's."

"Why not?" Ted replied, shrugging. He'd been eager to go to a bar since they'd left Pittsburgh.

"I'm in," Blake said, resting his head on Ted's shoulder.

"What about you two?" Melanie asked, turning toward Emmett and Calvin.

"Sure," Emmett answered. "But I'm buying." He felt obligated since he'd been the one to drink the most beers the night before.

"I'll drink to that," Mel cheered. It's going to get pretty interesting tonight, Emmett thought, hiding a smile behind his hand. Hopefully Melanie didn't get as drunk as she had at Ted's apartment.

That night after dinner, they walked down to the bar. As soon as he crossed the threshold, Emmett felt at home. Melanie hadn't been joking when she'd said that the bar was kind of like Woody's, though it wasn't nearly as close as the one they'd been to when they'd visited Toronto for the Liberty Ride. "You guys go grab a table, I'll get the drinks," Emmett told the others, approaching the bar. The bartender was drag queen with fuchsia, spiky hair. Nice, Emmett thought.

"What can I get you gorgeous?" she asked, leaning forward on the bar suggestively. It emphasized her chest tremendously. Sorry honey, tits aren't really my thing, I much prefer dick.

"Five Molson Ices please," Emmett answered with a shy smile.

"Coming right up," the bartender replied, winking. Oh God, Emmett thought.

When the bartender came back, Emmett pulled out his wallet. He noticed that she had a name tag that read TEQUILA. "Thanks Tequila," he said, pulling a twenty out his wallet.

"It's on the house," Tequila replied, winking. "Want to know my full name?"

"Sure." Emmett had never been hit on by a drag queen before but he was finding the whole experience hilarious.

"Tequila Mockingbird."

Emmett laughed. "Like the book!" He had to admit, it was a pretty imaginative drag name, even if it was a bit ridiculous. "Very nice."

"Thanks baby. So, what's your name?" Tequila batted her eyelashes.

"Emmett Honeycutt," Emmett answered, turning to look at his friends. He was desperately hoping Calvin would come see what was taking him so long. Save me! he silently screamed.

"What a marvelous name," Tequila cooed. "Well, Emmett Honeycutt, I get off around eleven if you want to meet up afterwards. I know a great place nearby where we could…have a little fun, if you know what I mean." She licked her lips suggestively.

"You know, I'd love to," Emmett explained," but I'm married."

Tequila's smile vanished and was replaced with a frown. "The best ones always are. So which one is he?" She looked over at the table.

"The one with the long brown hair," Emmett explained, pointing to Calvin.

"Mmm. He's almost as gorgeous as you are." Tequila's eyes lit up once more.

"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself." It was all he could think of to say.

"Thanks baby. Now you'd better get back to your man before he gets jealous. You don't know how many times I've had to pull the gloves off if you know what I mean." Tequila brayed like a donkey.

"Yeah, I know just what you mean," Emmett said with a fake smile. "See you around."

"If I'm lucky." She watched Emmett walk back to table and smiled appreciatively.

Calvin looked up when Emmett approached the table with the drinks. "What took you so long? We were starting to think you'd gotten lost or something," he asked, grabbing Emmett's hand.

"Sorry, I was just talking to Tequila," Emmett said, doling out he drinks. Please just let that last comment go, he prayed.

"Who?" Ted asked, furrowing his brows.

"The bartender, Tequila Mockingbird." As he said it, he couldn't help but chuckled at the absurd name.

"Tequila Mockingbird!" Melanie burst out laughing. "I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life!"

"Shhh, she'll hear you!" Emmett warned, looking to see if Tequila was watching them. Thankfully, she was engaged with another customer. Better him than me.

"I once knew a drag queen that called herself Ophelia Cox," Blake said, sipping his beer.

"Are you serious?" Mel spluttered again. "Why is it that every goddamn drag queen feels the need to come up with some asinine name?"

"For fun?" Emmett suggested. "Anyway, she was really sweet. She wanted to go out with me."

"Ooh, Emmett's got himself a girlfriend," Calvin teased. The other joined in and Emmett dropped his head down on the table. Why did I even say anything? he wondered.


A few nights later, Ted was dragged to Revolver. The name was rather ominous sounding and all he could think of was Pistol back home. Where do they come up with these club names? he wondered.

The music was blaring through the speakers hanging from the ceiling. If I leave tonight with my hearing intact, I'll be surprised. Blake led the way over to the bar and ordered them a drink. Emmett and Calvin disappeared into the crowd of sweaty, dancing men. Lindsay followed them and sat down, glancing around. She was the only woman in the whole club and couldn't help but notice a few of the guys giving her inquisitive looks. Self consciously, she twisted a strand of hair around her finger, wanting nothing more than to go back home.

"Drink?" Ted asked her, shaking her out of her reverie.

"Anything please," she replied, shouting to be heard over the din. Now I remember why I don't go out to the clubs, she thought ruefully. When the bartender set a banana daiquiri in front of her, Lindsay greedily gulped it down.

"We're going to go dance, are you going to be okay here on your own?" Blake was already dragging Ted onto the dance floor.

"I'll be fine," Lindsay answered, ordering another drink.

Ted and Blake managed to find Emmett and Calvin in the center of the dance floor, surrounded by a gaggle of men. Men would never flock together like that over me, Ted thought sourly. He looked over at Blake and smiled. It doesn't matter though. Blake does and that's all that matters. He grabbed Blake's hand and they started to dance. Ted recognized the song and smiled at the memories it awakened. It was the song that had been playing the first time he'd gone to Babylon.

It had been his senior year of college, while he was in the fraternity. He hadn't had sex since he'd lost his virginity the year before. Hoping that he'd meet a nice guy, he'd swallowed his pride and given it a shot. His heart had been pounding out of control as he'd walked into the noisy club. He'd never been to a club before and wasn't sure what to expect. Seeing all of the men practically screwing on the dance floor gave him hope. Instead of meeting a nice stud that night, Ted had instead met Emmett, Michael, and Brian. They'd gotten drunk and bonded. That was also the night he'd developed his crush on Michael.

Ted was brought back to reality when the drag queen emcee walked up on the stage. When he saw her, he couldn't hold back a laugh. It was Emmett's friend Tequila Mockingbird. He caught Emmett's eye. "Shut up," Emmett mouthed to him.

"Who's ready for some Glamorous Glutes?" Tequila sang into the microphone. The crowd cheered excitedly. "That's what I like to hear." The contestants were all lined up the stage, facing the crowd. "Now, our first contestant is Anthony, a used car salesmen from Chatham. Show them what you got Anthony!" Anthony turned to reveal that he was wearing chaps. The spotlight illuminated his tight glutes. The crowd went wild and Anthony bowed before turning so that he was facing the crowd again.

The next contestant showed the audience his ass and Emmett leaned in toward Ted. "Check out his ass," he said, just loud enough to be heard. "Yummy." While they talked, the contest continued.

"I'll say," Ted replied, licking his lips. All of the contestants had nice butts and it was going to be hard to pick the winner. "What do you think?" he asked Blake. "Which one's going to win?"

"I liked Julian," Blake answered, nodding at the tall, bronzed Adonis in the center of the stage.

"He was great," Ted agreed. "My money's on Dante." Dante had been the last contestant. He was very tall and muscular and drop dead gorgeous. His sun kissed buttocks had practically made Ted blow a load in his pants.

"Girls, we're going to take a little break while the ballots are counted to decide the winner of the Glamorous Glutes Contest," Tequila announced. The audience roared again as the music resumed.

Lindsay pushed her way through the crowd to find her friends. She stumbled a little and Ted couldn't help but think that she'd had a few too many banana daiquiris. "There you guys are," she said. "I was starting to think I'd lost you."

"How much have you had to drink?" Ted asked, helping Lindsay regain her balance.

"Just a few drinks," she answered. "Why, do I seem drunk?" She hiccupped loudly.

"A little," Ted admitted. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Lindsay drunk. It was probably back when they'd met after college.

"It doesn't matter," Lindsay continued. "I haven't gotten drunk in years, once in a while won't kill me. It feels good to let my hair down every now and then you know?" To emphasize her point, Lindsay let her hair out of the up do she'd had it in. Laughing, she started to sway to the music.

"No, but Mel might."

"Why would she do that? Do you know how many times I've had to watch her get drunk? She told me to go out and have a good time and that's what I'm going to do. Where's Brian when you need him? I'd be having even more fun if my drinking buddy was here." Lindsay chuckled as she slurred a few of her words.

Emmett caught sight of the spectacle and made his way over. "Is she okay?" he asked Ted, concern etched on his face.

"Yeah, she's just had a few too many daiquiris," Ted answered simply.

"Oh my God." Emmett laughed behind his hand. "I've forgotten how much fun Lindsay is when she's drunk." He grabbed Lindsay's hand and spun her around. "Wanna dance?" he asked.

"I thought you'd never ask," Lindsay replied, laughing hysterically.

"Just be careful," Ted warned. The last thing he wanted to do was explain to Melanie that Lindsay had gotten hurt at the club; she was pretty protective of her spouse.

"Always am," Emmett shot back, twirling Lindsay again.

When the song ended, Tequila took her position at the front of the stage. "It's time to announce the winner!" The audience clapped and Tequila raised her hand for silence. "Drum roll please." The audience obliged. "The winner of the June 2005 Glamorous Glutes Contest is...Dante!"

As the crowd hollered, glitter rained down on Dante. Smiling, he took his place at the center of the stage and showed the audience his ass again.

"Thanks for choosing me," he said in a sexy South American accent. He yelped as Tequila grabbed a handful of one of his cheeks. "It's a real honor."

"And as the winner, you get a year-long free tab at the bar and get to party in the VIP lounge upstairs," Tequila continued.

"Thanks," Dante repeated as he was led by one of Tequila's assistants off stage.

Tequila cleared her throat. "Well I don't know about you, but that certainly got my blood pumping. Now I say it's time to dance the night away!" As soon as Tequila finished speaking, glitter exploded all over the room and the lights dimmed. Upbeat music started to drone out of the speakers and the go-go boys took to their stations.

"You heard the lady," Emmett said to Ted who was staring in awe at the dancers. "Dance the night away." He bumped Ted with his hip and started to dance with Lindsay and Calvin.

"Let's dance," Ted ordered, grabbing Blake's arm.

Tequila made her way through the crowd and latched onto Emmett. "Hey there stud," she cooed, grinning broadly.

"Hey Tequila," Emmett replied with a small wave. I thought I made it pretty clear I wasn't interested.

"Tequila!" Lindsay snorted, which only made her laugh harder.

"This is Calvin, my husband," Emmett said to change the subject.

"Hi." Calvin shook Tequila's hand.

"Nice to meet you mon chérie."

"You speak French?" Emmett asked. Duh, you're in Canada. Lots of people speak French. "I always wanted to learn. I mean, I speak a little, but I'm not a pro or anything."

"Let me teach you." Tequila pried Emmett away from Calvin and Lindsay and started to grind up against him obscenely.

Ted watched in utter awe. "Emmett's dancing with that drag queen," he said to Blake.

"Wow. Poor guy, he looks like he's about ready to run for the hills."

"Do you think we should go over there and help him?" Ted asked. They looked at each other. "No!"

"Let's go see if they have a back room," Blake suggested, pulling Ted away.


They got in so late that the sun was almost fully risen. Lindsay's buzz had worn off after she stopped drinking. "Do you mind if we keep this between us?" she asked the others. She didn't want Melanie to know that she'd made a fool of herself.

"Sure," Emmett said. "Mel doesn't need to know."

"Mel doesn't need to know what?" Melanie asked, coming down the stairs with the baby in her arms.

Lindsay exchanged worried looks with the others. She had no idea what to say. "That the contest was a total bust," Ted covered, frowning. "The guys were all ugly."

"Really?" Melanie arched her eyebrows. "Then why were you gone all night?"

"After the contest we left and got drinks at the bar," Emmett explained.

"Oh. Did you guys at least have fun?"

"Tons." Lindsay kissed Melanie's cheek lightly. "Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to get some sleep. I'm not twenty anymore, I need more than two hours of sleep to function properly."

Melanie sat down with JR and gave her a bottle. "She got drunk, didn't she?" Mel asked without looking up.

"What would give you that idea?" Emmett inquired innocently. Despite the fact that her head was pounding, Lindsay hadn't shown any other tell tale signs of her drunken escapades.

"When she leaned in to kiss me, I could smell it on her," Melanie replied. "Don't worry, I won't let on that I know. If she wanted me to know, she would've told me."

"It's just that she was so embarrassed about it," Ted explained quietly. Mel and Linds's room was just up the stairs and he didn't want Lindsay to hear their conversation.

"That's my girl," Mel commented with a sly smile.

Ted yawned. "We should probably get some sleep, too," he said. "We've got at least a four hour drive ahead of us today."

"And I'm driving, aren't I?" Emmett asked, frowning. He hadn't gotten drunk, but he was exhausted.

"You bet your ass," Ted replied, smiling tightly. "If I were you, I'd go get some shut eye."

"All right," Emmett grumbled, dragging himself up the stairs to Gus's room.

"Aren't the rest of you going?" Melanie asked.

"We can sleep in the car on the way home," Calvin replied.

Mel laughed. "You trust Emmett to drive you all the way home?" She had a point. Emmett was pretty whimsical when it came to pretty much everything.

"You know what, I'm going to go take a nap," Ted said, rising and scratching his ear. "Someone really should keep him company while he's driving. Not that I don't trust him."

"Of course," Melanie played along. Calvin and Blake followed their partners upstairs. "Ah, peace and quiet at last, eh Jenny?" Mel cooed. As much as she loved and missed her friends, she was looking forward to having the house and her routine back to normal. Not only was it a lot quieter without company, but she could have some quality time with Lindsay. She counted the hours.


Next Time On Queer As Folk: Michael and his family celebrate Hunter's graduation at Disney World. Brian comes home to an unpleasant surprise.