Chapter 51: I'll miss you

Every time that night that Carter and I had passed in the hall he had seemed to just glare at me. As if I was nothing more than a child who was disobeying a parent. I didn't see any reason why I couldn't stay and finish my shift as everyone else was expected to do. Sure my side hurt, well more so now that Carter had done his sadistic handiwork on it in hopes that it would send me to the point of wanting nothing more than to go home. Well that wasn't going to happen, I'd work until I dropped dead or my time there was up. But even I hoped that it would be the later of the two.

7 am and the day shift started to come into the ER. I could punch out knowing now that my shift had come to an end and that I wouldn't be needed there at least for another few hours if all went according to plan. Granted I was dragging more than I had in a long time. Seemed that I wasn't up to speed tonight in keeping up with the hours, but that could have been that my side was smarting and I had done a lot more running than usual. I signed out my patients to the morning crew and was now nearly literally dragging my tired body from the ER.

"Morning Anna." Doug called out as we passed in the ambulance bay, he was on his way in to start his day and I wanted out of there.

I raised my hand to wave hello or goodbye, perhaps a combination of the two. It was about all that I could muster at that particular moment in time.

"You okay?" Now that was the sound of an annoyingly overprotective big brother.

It was enough to get me to stop, turn towards him, force that yeah hey don't worry everything is just peachy smile upon my face, "yeah I'm just fine Doug. Have a good one." I answered back now turning once again to continue the trip to the EL so that I could get myself home. I could hear my bed calling for me even as I headed up the stairs to catch my train. Days like this morning where one where I almost wished that I had my own car but then right now I was probably too tired to drive as I could barely see straight as it was.

With the conditions the streets had been in last night though it was probably better that I was safely tucked about the EL. It seemed however that the train I was on was going in slow motion. Fully aware of the fact that it was indeed not my train that made it seem that way but just how tired I really was. And that never sank in all the way until you stopped moving. I got off at my stop and very carefully started to make my way the few short blocks to my house. Of course it waited until I was completely clear of the station and could see my house from where I was on the street before those dark grayish black clouds let go of the rain that they were holding. Cold as it was, I tried to hurry and was soaked to the bone fingers nearly frozen as I fumbled with my keys trying to undo the front door lock.

Once inside I found the warmth that I had been expecting and looked at the stairs that I needed to climb as I closed the door locking it behind me. I couldn't help but let a soft sigh escape as I headed up them. Trying desperately now to retreat to my bedroom where I was bound to find warm dry clothes and an equally warm bed to lay my tired head.

Finally now that I had dry pajama's on the covers of the bed pulled back and I slipped between them my body instantly collapsing into the security of it's favorite resting place. I closed my eyes before I got that nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. Yet couldn't at first put my finger on it. Oh yeah I had an appointment with the oncologist today at 2. That gave me… I rolled over to glance at the clock… oh lovely about six hours of sleep before I would have to be out of the bed. I would have rather had about eight or ten with the way that I was feeling right there and then but it wasn't to be today.

The thought of calling in sick tonight did cross my mind as I drifted off to catch what elusive sleep that I could. That feeling of just having gotten there when the blaring and oh so annoying sound of the alarm clock roused me from that sound state.

Up and out of the bed I went. Nothing like feeling that you hadn't gotten enough sleep and looking in the mirror it looked like I hadn't gotten enough either. My face was pale white and there were these dark black circles under my eyes. Not quite the sight that one would want to see staring back at the mirror at them. I turned on the shower so that the water would heat up, freezing cold water didn't sound appealing to me considering the fact that I was cold to begin with. I just naturally assumed that was from being out in the downpour on my way home from work.

I was having the great debate with myself now as I started to shower so that I could make it to my appointment on time. Part of me wanted to take the car the other part of me didn't want to deal with the conditions on the road and thought that it would be safer to take the EL rather than have to deal with it. I didn't want caught in another surprise downpour though with no way to change my clothes. Sitting in an oncologist's office soaking wet somehow didn't seem to be on my list of priorities right now.

"Hey baby, didn't know you were home today."

That voice snapped me from my self centered debate. "Yeah baby I worked last night, don't have to go in today." I called back to him. I could see the shadows in the bathroom and knew that he was in there with me.

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah I got some." I answered back leaning forward to turn off the water and reaching out for the towel which I secured around my mid section before stepping out. "What are you doing home, thought you would have had class."

"I get out at noon today." He said giving me a rather odd look, "are you sure you got some sleep?"

"Yes I am sure. I think I would know that one." I answered back, "are you working tonight."

"No, tomorrow night."

"Extra time to get your homework done." I said, "stop looking at me like that." Maybe I didn't get enough sleep cause that came off a little more snappish than I meant for it too.

"What you look horrible, you should go back to bed."

"I can't." I said as I started to get past him to get ready to go out. "Doctor's appointment today."

"Which doctor?"

"The oncologist." I answered heading over to the dresser to grab clean clothes to wear.

"Do you want me to give you a ride down there?"

"You don't have to." I answered, that would have been the answer that I had given anyone about going with me. I was used to going alone, "it's just a routine check up nothing serious."

"I can go with you I don't have anything else going on today." He said, "you shouldn't have to go alone."

I slipped the shirt over my head before answering him, "if you want to, it really doesn't bother me to have to go alone."

"Yeah I want to."

I glanced over at him and he still had that same look on his face. "What now?" I had to ask.

"Have you lost some more weight baby?"

"I don't know I just haven't been eating much lately. Long busy hours at work, you know how that one goes." I said as I finished getting dressed, "but if you are going with me we need to get going."

"Yeah I'm coming."

I watched as he walked out of the room and I was not more than a few steps behind him now so that we could get out of there. I had to sit down when we got to the bottom of the stairs cause I was nausea out of the blue.

"Everything okay Anna?"

It took me a minute to get my barring straight so that I could answer him without fear of throwing up right there and then, "yeah." I said pausing for a minute, "just felt sick to my stomach."

"Maybe you should stay home."

"No I need to go." I said as I tried to pull myself up off the step that I had sat down on. "It's really important that I keep these. I'm sure whatever it is will pass."

"Okay baby." He said coming back over to me and helping me back all the way up onto my feet, "here let's get your coat."

I wasn't going to argue with the extra help that he seemed willing to give as we headed out into that still nasty late winter weather. It just felt colder than it had all day and maybe I was coming down with something. I worked in an ER so there was a pretty good chance that one of my small patients could have shared.

"Pretty quiet you okay?" I heard Bill ask as he started up the car.

"Yeah I just think that I am coming down with something." I said softly as I leaned my head back against the seat. "Hazards of working in the ER, all kinds of communal bugs going around."

"Maybe you should take the night off catch up on your sleep that might make you feel better, cause baby you look a little green around the edges right now."

"Yeah might not be a bad idea." I let my eyes close since he was driving and I didn't have to worry about it.

The drive down there didn't seem all that long, checking in and sitting down in the office. I had a pretty good relationship all things considered with my doctor. I mean doctors didn't make the best patients, let alone cancer patients. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, it was just that something about going to medical school and practicing medicine, there was a lot that she didn't have to explain. Knowing what I knew made getting sick, that sick even worse cause I knew what the odds were.

Bill stayed in the waiting room. It wasn't that I didn't want him back there; okay well maybe part of me didn't want him back there, just because of what all was going to be done. Dressed now in a gown laying on the table in there. The room seemed to have a chill in it that I had never noticed before.

"Afternoon Anna."

"Hey Dr. Martin," I said when I saw the woman with the soft smile. Her many years as an oncologist shown upon her face. There was some comfort in knowing that I had a seasoned doctor on my side.

"Everything going okay?" She asked.

"For the most part yes." I answered with a small smile. "Just I think I'm coming down with something county hazard, that place needs a warning label for it's docs."

"What's going on?" I heard her ask. "You've lost a little weight."

"Tired, cold, nauseated," I rattled off what was going onto her as she started with the exam. Talking while she did that seemed to make it go a little faster than if we sat there in silence.

There was now a few minutes of silence in the room, and it just didn't have that good silence feeling to it, as if there was something off for this was taking longer than it normally did.

"Anna I'm going to send you over to the hospital for a CT scan." She said as she stood up and snapped off her gloves.

My heart about fell through the floor when she said that for it could only mean one thing, or at least to me it could only mean one thing. "It's back." I said my voice so soft it was barely there.

"I'm not going to say yes to that just yet." I heard Dr. Martin say. "But you know…"

"There's a high chance of recurrence." I cut my own doctor off, "and the survival rate is five years." Knowing that it could very well be back again was not good news that much I knew for sure. I had barely managed to get past the last round that I had to fight with this and I didn't know just how much fight I had left in me if I had to go and do it again.

"Anna we need to wait and see what we are up against. You could very well just have a cyst or a benign growth." She said to me now. "Don't give up before we know what you are up against."

I couldn't help but sigh, and it wasn't that I was disagreeing with my doctor, but the doctor inside me the one that made me such a horrible patient at times was screaming at me that this wasn't a good thing. There was growth, and just knowing that was more than enough to put me on edge. I could cope with just about anything that was thrown at me, but right now with the point that I had finally reached in my life and being happy with Bill. None of this seemed to be fair. "I know." There wasn't much behind my voice now that the wind had been taken out of my sails with the news. Not only that but I had a boyfriend who seemed to care a great deal for me sitting out in the other room and having to explain all of this to Max the first time around had been hard enough, to have to do it to someone else. Well frankly, I wished that I would have thought about that when we first starting dating. I should have kept my distance and protected him a little more rather than letting him become such an important part of my life.

"Anna, this might really be nothing." I looked up when I heard Dr. Martin start to speak again. "But it's better to err on the side of caution right now. So don't start thinking you need to get your affairs in order like I know you did last time. That's written all over your face."

I managed to get a semi-soft smile out for her, "that bad already huh?"

"Yes, that and I just know you." She said as I watched her now start to write on my chart. "Do you have a certain time that you need to have this done? I don't know what your ER shifts are like for the next few days."

"Ah, you know me I am just glutton for those vampire hours." I said, "just schedule it and I'll work something out."

"You won't no-show on them, cancel, try and reschedule?" She asked giving me that you know you had better not look.

"Yeah that's me." I said, "I've never cancelled or no-showed on you." I point out and I started to get redressed. "Just schedule it, really I can make just about anything I'll only run if it goes down and there are people circling in the hallway."

"Alright Anna." She said, "I'll have them schedule it and let you know before you leave. And try not to worry about it too much. I'll call you as soon as they get it to me."

"I know you will." I said as I watched her head out of the room so that I could finish getting my clothes back on. It took me a few minutes cause I kept getting lost in thought as I did it, but I knew she kind of expected that one from me today. It was hard not to think about it, or worry about it.

On my way out I stopped at the desk just long enough for them to hand me a piece of paper with the appointment time and date on it. She apologized to me for not being able to get one sooner to which I just replied that it was okay. It was schedule for the day after tomorrow so I would have to days in which to wait to see what was going to be my fate. Well that and however long it took it to get back to Dr. Martin, but I knew that as soon as she had it she would be on the phone with me to let me know what was going on.

I walked out into the waiting room seeing Bill sitting there flipping through an old magazine. I crossed the room over to were he was sitting and all that I could think was I'll miss you. I didn't know how I was going to tell him about this, I didn't know if I wanted to have to tell him about it.

"Hey are you…" his voiced trailed off for a minute and I could see his face change as he looked like he was changing what he was about to say. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'll be fine." I said, "let's not talk about it here okay? I just really want to go home."

"I can do that." He said as he wrapped his arm around me and I probably leaned into him a little more than I had all day, but I was tired and my mind was heavy from what I had just been told.

Granted I knew nothing at this point in time, nothing that was certain. I hated that. There was nothing more frustrating than being in the dark. It felt like I was trapped in some grey area and I didn't know if I was coming or going. But something inside me said that it was nearing that time for me to be going and I couldn't stop it.

If there was one thing that I had learned through all of this was that when it was your time to go, there was nothing you could do to stop it and it didn't matter where you were or what you were doing at the time. You came into the world fighting and you would go out of the world fighting. It really was never something peaceful. You had to fight for that last breath of air you would take or you fought to have five more minutes with those around you. I didn't know if I had that kind of fight left in me but giving up, was that something that I was honestly ready to do. Looking at Bill made it that much harder to be able to do.

Don't worry about it. That's what I kept trying to tell myself as we walked towards the car but that didn't seem to be all that easy. One of those easier said than done things. As a doctor I knew that there was nothing that could be done until we knew for sure what it was, but then I also knew that odds were if there was something there, it wasn't going to be benign. Now then I was also human, and that part of me wanted nothing more to accept that this was going to be nothing. Tore between what I knew and what I wanted to know.

"Anna you're awfully quiet." Bill said once we got back to the car. "I've been around you long enough to know that means something is up." He paused as he started the car. "Now you were at the oncologist so if something's up that can only mean…"

"We don't know anything yet." I snapped back rather quickly as I cut him off. "Dr. Martin said not to worry so let's not worry." Ah how easy that rolled out of my mouth at the moment even if I was going to sit there and worry that didn't mean that he needed to.

He just nodded before he started to drive. It was as if my reaction told him more than I had wanted it too. But then I couldn't be in this cheery chipper mood right now. My life was hanging by a thread, a very thin thread.

I had defied death once, of course, I was told that there was a reason for that and I would be here as long as it took to complete what I needed to do… had I really done that and now they were going to put me through something this horrible, something this painful all over again. Was death really that cruel that my being here was some sick joke? I was upset, I was angry, I was mad. There was no getting around that and I also knew that it was radiating from me right now. I shouldn't be taking it out on Bill for he had nothing to do with this. He wasn't the one that had given it to me.

"I'm sorry." I finally managed to get out. "I shouldn't be like this with you." I knew that no matter what I felt that it wasn't right to take it out on him. There were better ways to deal with all of it than to lash out, but I thought in some small way that if that's how I handled it he would take it the same way Max did and there wouldn't be any hard feelings when I upped and left. There was that small twinge of guilt though that this time my upping and leaving was going to be of a more permanent nature.

Yet why should I be shocked with the news? It wasn't like I didn't know that at some point in time that this could and would occur. Just having it go into remission when it did made it seem like that battle had been far from over. Perhaps I had fooled myself into thinking that was the last time I would ever have to be known as a cancer patient. I had got myself to think that I was a cancer survivor.

"Anna it's okay." He started to say.

"No it's not okay." I cut him off, "no matter what being like that is never okay. Not to you or to anyone else."

His eyes never left the road and once again I was seeing that this was indeed harder on those around me than it ever would be on me. I knew what would be laying ahead of me if this was indeed a recurrence. Which I was, even if the doctor said not to jump the gun, pretty sure that it would be. After all, the survival rate was about 5 years and I was nearly that already. The last few years that I had gotten were a blessing and that was something that I needed to remember. Why being struck with this in itself would make it seem like I was unlucky, I was indeed one of the lucky ones, for I had gotten those five extra years with my family and my friends to live my life that others didn't seem to be able to get.

"Bill, it will be okay." Finding it easier to reassure those around me than it was to actually reassure myself that it would indeed all be okay. After I was gone he would go on with his life and in a few years I would be nothing more than a fond memory to look back on every one in a great while when the mood struck.

He just nodded as he turned now onto our street and to our house. Things that at one point in time never seemed important but knowing what I did and that I was indeed going to have to get my affairs in order, knew that for a little while he'd be well taken care of. That much I could do for him. I could leave him the house and the car, what little I had I would rather go to him than to anyone else, certainly not Max.

"I know right now it doesn't seem like it will be, but eventually it will all be okay. For both you and for me." The words just seemed to roll off my tongue now easier than they had ever been to say and I wasn't crying yet. I didn't think that I had anymore tears left inside me to shed over this one. I wasn't ready to tell anyone else around me about it because there were still unanswered questions and perhaps an unanswered prayer or two yet that could be called in. "It's not the end."

He parked the car in the driveway and got out. He slowly started that walk up towards the house as if what I had said had fallen on deaf ears and that was something that definitely might have happened. I knew what it was like to be on this side of the fence and also to be on that side as well having lost my dad to cancer several years ago.

I caught up to him and put my hand on his shoulder as he crossed into the house. Once inside and the door was closed behind us, he pulled me into a giant hug one that said he was almost afraid to let go. That he knew time was precious and that we may very well be running out of it.