A/N:
ABOUT LAST CHAPTER:
I went back and added something important I forgot to include before posting, which goes to show y'all shouldn't read my chapters right after I post them, you should wait a day or two until I'm done with all the editing! (I'm only half-joking here).
Here is the missing part: when Grace tells Ana about Ray, she ALSO tells her that Carrick not only helped Ray with his medical treatment but he also invited Ray to live in one of his rental properties free of charge and stay for as long as he needed. So naturally, Ana was upset when she realized that Ray was back in her life to stay long-term and the expectation that she needed take care of him in his illness. If you read this note, it's not necessary to re-read.
Timeline: In this story we're in late spring. GREY CHIC: Thanks for reviewing every single chapter! What a treat!
Many thanks to my beta Calicutie77, you're the best. All mistakes are still mine.
Chapter Forty-six
Later that evening
Ana smoothed back Teddy's hair and watched the peaceful line of his mouth and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. She would gladly stay here all night watching him sleep just like she'd done when he was a newborn. A wave of nostalgia overtook her senses as her mind took her back to those early days after giving birth. She was absolutely terrified and. at the same time, overjoyed to finally have her baby with her after nine long months of waiting for his arrival. She thought she was prepared for the journey ahead. She'd done her homework. She'd read every book, every article on pregnancy and taking care of a newborn. Sometimes the information she found was useful and sometimes downright scary, like learning about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, also known as crib death. For a while, she became obsessed with finding out more about the condition and how to prevent it. It was terrifying to realize there were so many factors involved. And the worst part was that the causes of SIDS remained unexplained. The only thing that remained clear was the deaths happened while a baby slept in his or her crib. Naturally, Ana checked for her baby's breathing whenever he slept in his crib, and so, ninety percent of the time he ended up sleeping in the marital bed. Derek had hated every minute of it; he'd even preferred sleeping on the couch than in the bed with the baby in it. Anyhow, if there was one thing she'd learned from the experience was that sometimes too much information can do more harm than good.
Looking down at her sleeping toddler, Ana couldn't help but notice how quickly he was leaving his babyhood behind. God, how she longed for the physical and emotional bonding of those early days with a baby. Before turning out the lamp by the crib and exiting the room, she said a little prayer. Yes, please, God. This second time it was going to be different. This new baby-the one she was sure they'd conceived on their honeymoon-this much awaited child of theirs was going to have the most loving parents a child could have.
That reminded her to call Kate. She had yet to reply to her latest email, the one where Kate tells her she's made up her mind. She's going to accept the Greys' generous offer to cover her living expenses and a live-in nanny for her baby once he or she's born. That is great news! Everything seemed to be coming together for Kate. Indeed, a few days ago, Kate had applied and got accepted to start her second year of residency at the UCLA Medical Center in the fall. By then, her baby would be two months old. Hard to believe how time flies. Kate's baby was due in another two months. It made her was happy to hear that Kate would be living at a condo nearby, only ten minutes away from Escala.
Later that evening, Christian and she relaxed in each other's arms perched on the sectional. It was nice watching TV just the two of them as Mia was out on a date with Ethan. After the show they were watching was over, Christian wanted to turn off the TV and cuddle upstairs but Ana wanted to stay downstairs watching TV. All evening, she had avoided talking about the meeting with her father and he had given her the time she needed. She'd been in a distracted mood all evening, Christian observed, which meant she needed to talk but was afraid of breaking down and crying her heart out.
"Are you gonna finally tell me what happened with your dad?" He turned the TV off. Their position on the couch shifted a little, yet they remained close.
Ana took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Maybe talking about it would help her feel better. "He mostly talked about himself, his childhood, and his son. He has a son named Jonathan," she added with a calm but sad smile. "I have a brother. Can you believe it?" Come to think of it, the numbers simply didn't add up, if her father left thirteen years ago, then how could this son of his be in his senior year of high school?
Christian was just as puzzled as she was. Well, that certainly had NOT come up in the background check. But then again, Barney had limited his search to the United States only.
"I told him to go back to Canada and take care of his son," she went on in a bitter tone. "Apparently, the boy is a troublemaker."
"But what did he say about his medical issues? How long is he planning on staying in Los Angeles?"
"He wanted to talk about that but I didn't let him. Do you know he didn't ask a single question about me or you or Teddy?"
"It sounded like your meeting was rather short...maybe he didn't get a chance?"
"I don't like it when you play devil's advocate," Ana pouted.
"I'm just trying to remain objective," he said sincerely.
"Well, then try not to sound like you're on his side." She turned, her body facing his and making full eye contact.
Christian pursed his lips in annoyance. "Of course I'm on your side! But I also want to help you look at the big picture."
Ana considered what he said for a long time before she spoke again. "Okay, maybe the meeting was short. Maybe I left in the middle of it. Maybe he was planning on asking me all those questions. Still, his agenda was to talk about himself first. And that's precisely the problem isn't it? Ever since he decided to divorce my mother, he has put himself first. So maybe both him and I went to the meeting with our own agendas, we were both too wrapped up in our own selves to hear the other person," she paused, looking at him intently, getting ready for that punchline. "But here is the thing. HE IS the parent, he was the one who was supposed to put me first."
"I think you're onto something here. I agree. He's the parent and he was supposed to put your needs first." He reiterated thinking she needed to hear that. He left you when you were still a child, and even though you're now an adult woman, he still needs to address the child in you before you can even move forward."
Ana thought hard about that last sentence; it summed things up rather nicely and it made her feel as though a load had been lifted off her shoulders. "Yeah, yeah. That's it. How did you become so wise, Mr. Grey?" she said with a smile.
"I guess it's easier to look objectively at a situation when you're on the outside looking in, right? But back to the validation thing. Both you and your father went to the Starbucks meeting with your own separate expectations. Your father wanted to tell you about his childhood and about his son, he wanted to make sure you understood where he was coming from. You, on the other hand, wanted your father to tell you he loved you.. you both wanted that acknowledgment from each other FIRST."
"It was more than that," Ana cut in. "I wanted him to SHOW me he cared. I wanted him to tell me he missed me just as much as I missed him," Ana cried. Christian gathered her against him and rocked her back and forth, kissing her hair as she let her tears flow unashamedly. "But no, he didn't understand. He left me to live alone with my pain and my rejection, he left me impaired and broken, wondering if I just wasn't pretty enough or smart enough," she went on in between sobs. "To this day, he has had no idea how much I still needed him. I needed him to teach me how to drive, I needed him there to greet the boy that took me to my senior prom and to walk me down the aisle."
While he continued to rock her and smooth her hair, Christian felt a tug at his heart and wondered if Derek had been the boy to take her to the prom. It took some self-control not to go ahead and ask. "It's okay, I understand sweetheart, you get it all out, you've earned a good cry."
She lost track of how long he held her like that. She cried herself empty, it seemed and when she woke again she was spooned against him in their big king sized bed.
"How are you feeling?"
"Better, a lot better," she smiled a little and they were quiet for a minute.
"Ana?"
"Hmm?"
"I need to ask you something...about that prom boyfriend of yours...you know, the one with the ugly glasses and horribly crooked teeth..." He said in his best I'm-just-messing-with you expression.
Ana let out a chuckle. "Don't worry, baby. He was nobody important, I can't even remember his name," she stated with a little wave of the hand.
They continued to lay in each other's arms in contented silence until she spoke again.
"That was a good talk we had Christian. I get what you're saying...we were both demanding to be heard first before validating the feelings of the other person." She paused. They looked into each other's eyes and smiled a contented smile. "You're starting to sound like a shrink," she said in a teasing tone and he was glad she was in such a good mood. "Seriously, only a shrink would talk about validation of feelings."
Christian took a deep breath. "I didn't tell you this before but I was in therapy with a psychiatrist. I started seeing Dr. Flynn when I was five, six years old."
"That's really young."
"Yes. I'm not in therapy right now, but I've gone back to therapy from time to time over the years."
"Me too! I mean...my mom took me to a counselor once but I don't think it helped."
"And you saw this counselor...how many times?"
"Only once, I think."
"That's not how counseling works you know...it takes time."
Ana shrugged in response. Yes, it seemed everything that was worthwhile in life took time. She made a mental note, two more days and she could take another pregnancy test.
It seemed though, that she'd been waiting for a thousand years since her last one.
….
The next day
Ana poked her head through the door in Grace's office; it was a little after two and time for her to go home for the day. Grace was sitting at her desk and on her laptop typing in deep concentration but she broke away as soon as she saw her beloved daughter-in-law coming in to see her.
"Grace, do you have a moment?"
"Sure," Grace motioned for her to sit in of the two armchairs facing her.
"I wanted to apologize for the way I talked to you the other day. I was too upset to see straight."
"I appreciate that... but I was not holding it against you. I understand." She paused to close up her laptop as soon as she saw a notification pop up at the bottom of her screen. She wanted to give Ana her full attention. "Sometimes in life things happen, senseless and heart-wrenching things and there's confusion and hurt. But somehow we must move past that point, otherwise the hurt turns to bitterness and resentment.
"I know. I think I'm doing pretty well considering."
Grace nodded. She wasn't exactly sure what Ana meant by that but she let it slide. "I wanted to talk to you about your mom. If at any time I overstep my bounds, please let me know." She waited for Ana to nod before continuing. "I talked to your mother the other day."
Ana raised a brow. She had not talked to Carla since the wedding; she'd even blocked her email address so she wouldn't even get any her messages. Still, she'd missed her terribly.
"I think she's deeply sorry. It's killing her to be separated from you since you two have always been close."
"Not always. When I was little I was always closer to my father. When I first learned my dad was leaving, my first instinct was to pack my bags and go with him," Ana said knowing that Grace already knew this but for sharing her story once again made her feel as though another load was being lifted off her shoulders. "Seeing him drive off with another woman was the most devastating thing that had happened to me. I was utterly crushed, I cried so much I didn't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. He was the one I had always turned to when I needed advice or an answer to a question. He was the one I looked up to. He always made me feel especial that what I had to say was important." She concluded. She almost added: I guess I never truly forgave him for not taking me with him. But something kept her from saying the words out loud.
Grace came around her desk and sat the armchair next to Ana and leaned forward. She then took both her hands in hers enveloping them in a gentle squeeze.
"I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you."
"Yes, it was. My mom was good mother to me, always patient, always kind. She knew I preferred my dad but never showed any jealousy. After he left, she worried, so worried she took me to see a counselor." Ana smiled, recalling she had just had a conversation with Christian about this. " He didn't talk much but listened to me. I don't think it helped much because deep down I still felt that no other man would ever want me if my own father didn't want me. When I met Derek he made me for a little while that I was wrong about that, but that only lasted for a little while."
"Ana, I talked to your mom a couple of times while you were on your honeymoon. She's very distraught, thinking that you won't forgive her."
"I know," Ana said curtly, pulling her hands away tuck her hair behind her ears. Her hands then fell flat on her lap.
"At the risk of overstepping my bounds, may I give you my two cents from one mother to another?" She waited for Ana to nod before continuing. "I think that Carla is genuinely sorry and is scared to death to lose the closeness that you've shared. She has dedicated her whole life to you, she even chose to stay single while you were growing up because she didn't want to burden you with a step father. It really touched my heart when she opened her heart to me. I always try to imagine what is like to be in the other person's shoes. Carrick is like that too, you know, maybe that's why our marriage has been solid all these years," she smiled candidly. "Anyway, I can't imagine what it must have been like to be a single parent and to give up on love."
Ana bit her lip ruefully. She wished now her mother hadn't made such a sacrifice and had actually gotten remarried or something. She certainly didn't ask her to do that.
"It's been a rough couple of weeks for her. Apparently, it didn't work out with Bob-" Grace clicked her tongue, trying to remember. "I think that was his name...anyhow, she's taken it hard."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Ana said. "She's been the best mother I could have asked for," she went on with emotion in her voice, " and even what she did, lying about my father, I know she did it for me in her misguided effort to protect me...still, I think our relationship cannot be exactly like before. I trusted her completely and now that trust has been broken."
Grace shook her head. "That's very sad to hear."
"It is...but don't get me wrong. I will call her and make amends with her. It's just that the trust thing, I don't think it can be completely restored, you know what I mean."
"Yes, it makes sense. I think Carla realizes that too."
Ana glanced over at the clock on the wall. "I think I need to go and get Teddy," she paused. There was a short comfortable silence between them. "Thanks for the heart-heart. Somehow I feel better," she added the last sentence with a lightness in her tone.
After she got home, later that day, Ana called Carla using video chat. She was surprised to see how much weight her mother had lost since the wedding. That was all it took, that and the sound of her mother's voice for Ana to be on the verge of tears.
"Mom, I missed you," she mumbled, her voice breaking.
"Oh, sweetheart, me too! I hope you had the best honeymoon."
"I did!" Ana opened her mouth again but before she could add more, Carla spoke again.
"Ana, sweetheart, I'm so sorry for keeping you away from your father all these years." Carla said, her face crumbling, making her as close to tears as her daughter. "I don't know what I can possibly do to make it up to you...I know I have no excuse. I just...it was a bad situation and I was trying to keep you from being dragged into the middle of it," she trailed off, looking away from the screen and into the distance.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Did you know he had a son?"
Carla hesitated. "Yes," she mumbled making fleeting eye contact.
Ana glanced at her mother suspiciously. "Why do I have the impression that you're now talking about something else...something you haven't told me about yet?"
"Well, I...I don't think it's my place to tell you."
"MOM! You have to tell me," Ana insisted.
"No," Carla said resolutely. "I think that's something your father should share with you." Carla glanced away from the camera. While initially she'd been tempted to reveal everything, she now realized that she would gain nothing by dragging his name through the mud once again, even if in this case the man actually deserved it. But how could she possibly tell her daughter that her father had lead a double life for years before he filed for divorce? And most importantly, how could she possibly explain her own willingness to reconcile with such a man after she found out about the mistress he'd kept for the last six years of their marriage? No, no, this would accomplish nothing except make her appear weak and pathetic in her daughter's eyes. So yes, some things were better left unsaid.
A/N: Next up, two days later ( the pregnancy test) & another time jump!
Thanks for reading and reviewing this chapter, knowing what I did right and what needs improvement really helps me improve my writing. I hope it showed Ana's healing is off to a good start. I really hope you're enjoying the story so far. Have a wonderful weekend!
