RoyxRizaFan updates her fan fiction – Failure

I mean…

Chaoji Goes Into Twilight – MEGAFAILURE

Author's notes: This chapter is for a request, and it's a crossover of Twilight and Chaoji. This means that Chaoji and Twilight get bashed, so please, if you are a hardcore Twilight fan that will get offended, don't read this. I was reluctant to post it before because I thought people might get upset, but…I can't resist…

Lenalee had developed a new obsession with a book, and all she did was sit around musing about a man by the name of Edward. Apparently he could jump tree to tree and his ass sparkled. Chaoji constantly tried to read the book himself, but each time he failed, unable to make it past the first line.

"I'd never giv…giv…um, give-something much - Oh! Much, like 'munch'! - something to how I would die…DIE? Dying is mean!"

And so it went, his struggle with the book.

"If only I had a Klondike bar this size," he thought aloud, weighing the book in his hands.

One day, as Chaoji shut the book, defeated again, he noticed there was an apple on the front cover. Because his brain only processed 12.3% of what he saw (let alone correctly) he hadn't seen it before. Disgusted, he flung the book across the room.

"VILE FRUIT!" he shrieked, "WICKED FOOD OF THE DEVIL THAT BROUGHT SIN UPON OUR WORLD!" Appalled, Chaoji ran from the room.

Ran as fast as he could, that is. So by the time he reached the door, he was too hungry to go further. Defeated, he stumbled back over to his food stash. Once he had emptied a cupboard, he headed back over to his bed. On the way, he absentmindedly stepped on the book.

Before he could do anything, he was sucked into its pages. The words swarmed around him, absorbing the real world, and he fell down into a small living room. Due to his blubber, he bounced back up, crashing through the ceiling above him and into the room of a teenaged girl, who was currently in bed with a sparkly hunk of rock. The hunk of rock was leaned over her, watching her sleep, a glint in his eyes.

"Finally," he murmured under his breath, "After 108 long years of searching, I've found someone stupid enough to love a block of stone!"

"It's the sparkling Michelangelo statue Lenalee told me about!" Chaoji cried aloud, pointing at him in horror.

Edward looked up at Chaoji, shocked. He had been too caught up in his pedophilic daydreams to realize someone had entered his love nest. "I'm dangerous, you know."

"I'm Chaoji Han!" he cried randomly. "I come in peace! I'm from the anime D. Gray Man!"

"Anime's for virgins," a sleepy Bella muttered.

"Bella, love," Edward swooned, "you are a virgin."

"I must have been dreaming again…"

Before the two began confessing their undying love for one another once again, the sound of loud footsteps on the stairs came.

"Charlie!" they cried.

"We have to get out here!"

But it was too late: Charlie had already swung the door open. He had guns tied to his legs and a machine gun strapped to each of his arms. A laser was plastered to the top of his head.

"YOU HORNY BASTARDS!" he shouted, "GET AWAY FROM BELLA!"

"Charlie, you're ruining my life!" Bella sobbed, "I'm moving to Phoenix!"

Edward swung her over his shoulders and flew out of the window.

"He really does fly!" Chaoji said thoughtfully. He followed after them, intimidated by Charlie. He bounced down the street after them.

"He's following us!" Bella cried. "He's going to take me because I'm so beautiful and irresistible! I'm too helpless to defend myself, Edward, protect me!"

Edward glanced over his shoulder, "I'm dangerous, you know," he said in as deep of a voice as he could.

"You're so manly," Bella swooned.

"Thanks."

Chaoji rolled after them all the way to the Cullen mansion.

"Hey, Esme," Edward greeted his fake-mommy. "What have you been up to?"

"I've been sitting around the house, as usual," she said.

"Doesn't it get boring watching TV all day and night?" Bella wondered.

"I baked cookies!"

Chaoji, who was crouched 'inconspicuously' outside the window, crashed through the glass now, tackling her for her cookies. She didn't break under his weight, being a rock and all, but Bella still cried out, "I told you he was another one of those sexual predators!"

Edward sighed, "I'm dangerous you know."

Chaoji rolled off of Esme, done with his cookies. Edward mistook this as a victory on his part. "All in a day's work."

"Edward," Bella swooned, "You're so perfect…"

"And don't forget dangerous," he added, smirking her favorite twisted half-smile thing that looked like a perverted devil who had just devoured a small baby.

Bella nearly fainted. "The topaz..." she gasped, "It's too much for my virgin heart…"

"Hey, guys." Jacob Black walked into the house. "LAWLS I love bloodsuckers."

"Jake you freaking asshole," Edward hissed, "her ass is MINE, BITCH!"

Jake tore his shirt off. "I've got mad muscles!"

"I'M DANGEROUS!"

Chaoji pointed to Edward. "He's got you on this one."

Jake noticed the fat ass for the first time, though I have no idea how someone can overlook a crossbreed between a whale and an elephant. "Do you have any children?"

"Jake, you need to stop that," Bella warned him. "Not only is it creepy, but it's making me jealous. You know how I feel about you, Jake."

He blinked. "You love me, too?"

"So much it breaks my heart."

"Oh, Bella…" Jake reached out, touching her arm.

"AH!" she shrieked.

"YOU PERVERT!" everyone screamed, throwing shit at Jake until he was forced out of the house.

"He's such a sexual offender," Bella moaned.

"I know," Edward agreed, "I swear, tomorrow instead of molesting you while you sleep, I'm going to press charges for that."

Esme dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. "My little boy, all grown up and dangerous."

Rosalie stomped down the stairs, followed by Emmett.

"You're up late," Esme pointed out. "Late night?"

"As always," Emmett snickered. He turned to look at Chaoji. "Whoa, man. Looks like you didn't follow the instructions correctly."

"What's he talking about?" Chaoji demanded.

"He's so addicted that he thinks everything relates to steroids," Bella explained.

"IS IT TRUE?"

Emmett smiled at Chaoji. "I'm comedy relief, you know."

"Really?" Chaoji squealed, "Tiedoll-Toto tells me that all the time, too!"

"BELLA!" Rosalie shrieked, sickened by her presence. "You fertile bitch!" She turned around, running for the exit.

"If it makes you feel any better, I was once stabbed by a candle!" Chaoji called after her.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Emmett asked.

Chaoji shrugged. "Tiedoll-Toto told me that was one of the funny things I did, though it hurt."

"Who are you, anyway?" they all asked at once.

Chaoji beamed. "I'm an able seaman."

They nodded, pretending they knew what that meant.

The doorbell rang, and in came Mike Newton, who is not a fairy.

"Bella," he cried out, "marry me!"

"Ew!" she shouted, "I only like men who are dangerous!"

"I'm…well, I read dangerous things!" Mike held up volume 15 of D. Gray Man. Chaoji, spotting himself on the cover, charged forward.

"WHO IS THAT DISTINGUISED MAN?" he cried, even though he was asleep in the picture. He tackled the book out of Mike's hands, falling into it and back into his bedroom.

Chaoji sat still for a moment, taking in his surroundings. He was back to the Order. Chaoji thought for a moment, trying to remember what had happened, but his attention span was like that of a fish's, and soon he had forgotten the entire incident and was bumbling his way back down to the cafeteria.

Author's notes: Yeah, I'm alive. My brain isn't, but that's nothing new xD

For a while there I was sick, then insanely busy, then sick again, since I'm always sick, but then I forgot about updating all of my fan fiction until the other day. I'll be submitting Christmas chapters soon!