It had been like another battle raging inside him, as he decided whether or not to join his kin to Dale. Every inch of him, every fiber, told him, begged him, to remain within the mountain, no matter how much he hated it and it's dark halls. The way it's walls felt like they were suffocating him. You're safer in here than you are out here, a small voice said to him, nonetheless. There are less shadows out there, another voice countered. The two voices argued until his head hurt, but neither was louder than the other. He wanted to hide away, to close the door behind him and lock it shut, lock the world away. But he'd dissapointed everyone enough already, they probably already thought him weak, perhaps thought him unstable. He wanted to prove them wrong, wanted to prove himself brave, wanted to prove to his uncle that he could be a good prince and heir, just like Thorin always wanted him to be. And so he dressed himself in the fine Erebor clothes - they seemed to hang loose on him and the belt needed to be pulled tighter than before - and steeled his mind. For a little while before Fili came to fetch him, he had stood, quite motionless, fingers twitching at his sides, thumbs and forefingers running along the soft fabric of his sleeves, in his room, still fully lit with candles and torches. The broken glass and blood had been cleaned from the stone floor and the mirror, it's frame cleared of of any remaining shards, had been pushed to the far corner of the room and turned so it faced the wall. Fili had, with a huff, promise not to tell about what had happened, something Kili was thankful for.
Now, he squeezed the reins of his flaxen-maned pony tightly as they rode to Dale, the wind cold around them and the ground frosty beneath them. Above them the Erebor banners waved, the dust finally shaken from them. They seemed proud to be in the air again. Dale began to loom closer, the broken buildings glowing taller and more unnerving. It was midday and their shadows were short, but as the dwarves rode nearer, it seemed as if they were beginning to stretch towards him, reaching for him like long arms. It's not real, he said to himself, closing his eyes tightly and sucking in a long, deep breath of the icy air, feeling it fill his lungs. Beside him, Fili cast him a concerned look, unsure whether it was simply the light or if the color in his little brother's face had faded somewhat. He had told Kili, whilst walking side-by-side down one of Erebor's many halls, that he didn't need to accompany them, if he didn't want to. He could tell that the very idea off stepping foot back within Dale's walls terrified him. He could see it now, in Kili's eyes, in the way the gloved hand of his good arm squeezed tightly around Copper's reins to keep them from shaking. Dale had been where his brother had been thrown, unexpected and unprepared, into his first battle, when still recovering from his last horror. Fili had not been in Dale when the battle was raging, had not witnessed the slaughter of women and children as Kili had. Fili cleared his throat and his sibling turned his head to look at him, eyes full of fear.
"It's alright, Kee." He said in a low voice and offering a smile, which Kili returned with a small, unsure nod, before turning back to the looming city.
Dale was full of life and color and sound, slowly the ruined buildings were being re-built, broken walls being patched up with new stone. The streets had been cleared and people busied themselves with various tasks, men, women and children alike, helping to rebuild their new home. Fili saw a great change in them since he saw them last, yes, the grief of loss, from the battle and the fire, still shadowed their faces, but hope glimmered behind their eyes, they looked beyond the broken past and into the bright future. There was an upbeat gait to their walk, and he could hear them talk about how things were going to be, they were envisioning how Dale would look when it was finished. It would be like the old stories, it would thrive again, and Fili could not wait to see it.
It was almost hard now, as the color returned to the city streets, to imagine it as a battlefield, any clue that it had been so, had been washed away. No weapons lay worn and bloody on the ground, no people screamed nor fled in fear, no orcs were to be seen, and the dead had been respectively removed and funerals held. The company had all been present when the bodies were given to the water, to pay their own respect and thank them for their sacrifices. All, that was, except for Kili, who had not been able to bring himself to make the trip, the memories were still too raw and his wounds still pained him, and Fili had seen the fear, and even the shame, that had paled his face, and suggested that his brother needed rest. Kili had thanked him greatly for sparing him the journey. Fili looked back towards his brother, and saw that Kili's eyes were struggling to remain dead ahead, as though something kept trying to draw his gaze. Fili may not have been able to envision Dale as a battlefield, but it was all Kili could see. At each street corner he recalled some horror, and every now and again they would ride past a face that Kili remembered from the fighting. He saw them terrified and bloody, desperation in their eyes as they fought for their lives and the their family's lives. Even now, two weeks since the battle, the memories refused to go away, no matter where he was or what he was doing. He could be sat around the table, dining with his friends, aiding with the rebuilding of Erebor, walking down the hallway, alone or with company, or sleeping in bed, it didn't matter, the memories would come. And now he was there, where they took place. And he felt transported back in time, to when he fought desperately despite the weariness in his bones, where it had been so hard to be brave.
It may have been midday, the sun almost at his highest, but, to Kili, the streets were dim and full of shadows. They crept around every corner and Kili expected vicious orcs to come with them. From up ahead, a large stone brick tumbled from a cart - being pushed by a red-cheeked man with wiry hair - and fell to the ground with a crack. The sound made Kili flinch, his heart jumping and a breath coming away in a startled gasp. He thought of the buildings tumbling down around him, filling the streets with clouds of dust which made it harder to see his enemies. He could still hear the catapults' great rocks flying through the air with low whistles, could feel the dust in his eyes and taste it in his mouth - it almost made him want to cough. It's not real, he told himself. But his silent words could not slow his heartbeat.
"Bard has done a good job, don't you think, brother?" Fili said from beside him. He sounded very upbeat and it was clear he was impressed by the work the people of Dale had done in restoring the city. "All this in just two weeks. I wonder what it will look like in a month." He smiled. Kili turned his head to look at him, and returned the smile. But it was painfully forced. Kili wanted, longed, to see past his own haunting memories and see the progress of the broken city, he wanted to see the colors and the smiles and the hope. But it was so hard. Why was it so hard? He sucked in a deep breath and looked about him, almost forcing his eyes to see what Fili saw. But any color seemed dim and faded, like it had been left out in the sun and weathered with time. He didn't see the lips of people pulled up in smiles as they busied themselves doing various tasks, instead he saw their faces contorted in terrible screams, the sounds of which echoed in his mind, like a terrible, broken song he had heard so many times before. And their eyes were not filled with hope, but with fear. It was desperation that spurred them on, leaving trails of bloody footprints and burning embers behind them. Their shadows grew tall against the stone walls and seemed to take on lives of their own, reaching long hands up towards the light, clawing at the bricks. In his chest, Kili's lungs began to burn, it was as though he was suddenly plunged deep underwater. He could feel icy hands pulling him down into the black depths. He was drowning on dry land.
"Kee?" Came his brother's voice, "Kili? Are you alright?" Fili could see the rapid rising and falling of his sibling's chest, could see the look of fear and desperation in his dark eyes, and knew that something was wrong. Perhaps bringing Kili to Dale was not a good idea. Fili steered his pony closer to Kili's and reached across to wrap a hand around his brother's wrist. He immediately felt Kili stiffen, but was relieved that he did not tear himself away. He squeezed a little tighter. "Hey, look at me, Nadadith." There was great uncertainty in his brother's eyes, and a fear that pulled at Fili's heart. It reminded him of when Kili was little, when he would wake in the night after nightmares of goblins or orcs or some other beasts. But Kili could not wake from this nightmare. Yes, bringing Kili to Dale was not a good idea. "It's alright, Kee." You're alright. But he could see that the fear already had Kili in an iron grip. The brunette squeezed his eyes shut, focusing only on the soft rocking of his pony, listening to the clip-clop of her hooves, and the feeling of his brother's hand around his wrist. And when he opened them, he saw Bard stood ahead, waiting for them. He could see Bard smiling a warm, welcoming smile, more color to his cheeks than before. He could see the Bowman's lip moving, but no words reached Kili's ears. His voice was lost among the noise in Kili's own head. Around him, his brother and uncle, and Balin, Dwalin and Bilbo, all nodded a greeting and offered their host a smile, complementing him on his progress, the eyes of the elder three dwarves looking about them with nostalgia in their eyes.
"Prince Kili," Bard said with a smile, the dwarf's head snapping towards him at the sound of his name, "It is good to see you well, at last." But truth be told, Kili did not look well. He appeared as pale as the thin layer of frosting that blanketed the land and his dark eyes looked haunted. And even though the day was cold and his breath came away in cloud, there was the sure glistening of sweat on his brow. And Kili did not feel well. His stomach churned until he felt as though he may be sick, beneath his clothes it was as if he was stood against a fire and his hands sweated inside the leather gloves. As he stared at Bard, he felt as if the buildings of Dale were closing in on him, smothering him where he was sat upon his pony. He wanted to escape. He needed to escape.
"It is ... it is good to see you, Bard." He said, voice shaking, "but I ... I'm not fe ..." He shot an apologetic look towards Fili and Thorin, whose brows where pulled together, "I'm sorry." With one swift movement he spun Copper around and kicked him forward, ignoring the shouts that followed him. And he kept pushing him through the streets of Dale, his hoof beats echoing off the stone as he ran. People jumped out of the way with startled cries and cursed after him with raised fists. But he did not slow and he did not look back. Not even when he was beyond the oppressive walls of Dale and galloping through the great expanse of grey land between the city and the mountain. He could feel his eyes burning, tears blurring his vision as he tried to blink them away, his heart beating so quick it was almost in time with Copper's hooves as they hit the ground.
Copper had not even come to a complete stop before his boots hit the ground. If he had not been holding onto the pommel of the saddle, his legs would have given way beneath him. For a moment he pressed his forehead against the leather, his fingers still wrapped around the reins, and dragged in long deep breaths, breathing in the scent of the pony, his eyes squeezed shut against the tears. He tried to tell himself that they were the result of the bitter air assaulting his eyes as he rode home, but he knew that it was not the case. A hand on his shoulder made him jump, his movement also startling Copper who tossed his head in the air and gave a small squeal. Kili turned to see Bofur stood before him, and beside him was Nori.
"You are back soon, Lad." Bofur smiled, "where are the others?" The hatted dwarf's eyes flicked towards Dale, to see the road empty. He looked back at Kili and his smile dropped at the startled and even terrified expression on his face and the glistening tears in his dark eyes. "Are you okay?" But Kili did not respond, simply pushed Copper's reins into Bofur's hands and shoved between the two dwarves, swiftly moving towards the open gate of Erebor, wiping the tear-trails on the back of his hand before anyone else could see them. Princes are not supposed to cry, he told himself. But he could feel people's eyes on him as he pushed passed them, watching him, judging him. Princes are supposed to be strong! His pace picked up until he moved at a run, cutting around corners, desperate to find some solitude. The number of people in Erebor had began to increase over the days, not only were the company there, but so too were Dain and the survivors of his army and some of the scattered dwarves who used to dwell within Erebor. Those who lived close enough to the Mountain began to return soon after word had spread of its reclamation. And so, it was begging to grow increasingly difficult to find an unoccupied space. And as he ran, his mind spiraling, he took turn after turn until he wasn't particularly sure where he was - he had yet, even in his late-night ventures, to explore every hall and cavern - but finally it was quiet and he came to a halt. But, initially, his feet could not keep still, and he paced the width of the hallway, the hand of his good arm running though his hair, tugging at it slightly, before he suddenly fell, broken, to the ground, with a choked sob, pressing his hand to his mouth and his forehead to the cold stone wall. And, finally alone, he let the tears come. Some from shame, he let his uncle down; he must have seemed so weak. But the others fell from the terror he had felt in Dale and the desperation he had felt as he rode away. He sucked in a breath and turned, pressing his back against the wall and tucking his knees into his chest. He closed his eyes and prayed that nobody would find him.
But someone did find him. And it was the one person he needed. Kili wasn't sure how much time had passed - in his new world time didn't seem to mean much as meer minutes felt stretched into hours - before the heavy boots rushed around the corner, screeching briefly to a halt, before coming towards him. Fili hadn't even completely fallen to sit beside him before Kili was enveloped within his arms. And his brother allowed himself to fall into his hold, burying his face in Fili's shoulder, sobs muffled in the fabric of his thick coat.
"Shhh, it's okay," Fili soothed, running a hand through his brother's dark hair, pulling him in closer. He wanted to know what Kili had seen in the streets of Dale, what shadows had settled in his mind. His little brother had once been so fearless and strong, and now, in his embrace, he felt broken and small. Fili could feel shards of him falling through his grasp, no matter how tightly he held on. "What happened, Kee?" He ask, desperate to know how he could help, how he could make it better. "Please tell me." Slowly Kili pulled away and pressed his back against the stone again, wiping the tears on his sleeve. He sighed.
"I was back there, in the battle, I could see it, I could feel it. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real, that it was over, but I just couldn't believe it. I could see orcs in every shadow, could feel the buildings crumbling around me, see terrified people fleeing." His eyes were glistened in the torchlight and fresh tear tracks shone on his cheeks. "And I couldn't breathe, I felt as though as I was suffocating and I ... I had to get out of there." He sniffed, "it must seem so silly to you."Kili buried his face in his hands and Fili looked at him with sad eyes, sad that his brother was hurting still. He too was not exempt from remembering the battle, seeing the faces of his enemies running towards him. But what did he expect? It was his first real battle, the memories were bound to anchor themselves. But they only truly came a few times in his dreams, but he could wake himself off and shake them off. They never plagued him when he was awake, unlike his brother's it seemed.
"No, it doesn't." He said. "Your battlefield, Dale, still remains, the buildings and the streets are the same, and mine does not, it's been cleared and there are no remnants out there." He sighed, "I should never have asked you to come to Dale, it's only been two weeks, it's too soon."
"Being in Dale didn't matter, it happens here too." Kili said, his quite voice muffled by his hands. Fili frowned.
"What?" He asked, pulling his brother's hands away. "What does that mean?" His brother neither looked at him nor answered, simply let his eyes fall to the cold floor, a tear crawling down his wet cheeks. "Talk to me, nadadith." Fili placed a soft hand beneath Kili's chin and turned his head towards him, his blonde brows furrowing slightly. "What really happened with the mirror, Kili?" At this, fear filled his brother's eyes as he tried to pull himself away to hide his face. But Fili held him, "tell me the truth," he said sternly. Kili held his gaze. The words, the truth, were clawing their way up his throat, begging to spoken. And he wanted to, but he was afraid. What would Fili think of him, he would think him crazy, no doubt. Or perhaps he would think his brother still under the Necromancer's spell? Even he didn't know which one it was, and he didn't know which one scared him the most. Kili let his eyes fall closed and took a long breath in, allowing it to fill him and steady his thundering heart, before letting it escape.
"It was him, the Necromancer." He said, "I can still hear him sometimes, I can still see him. And this morning ... he was in the mirror. He was me ... I was him." Kili sniffed, "He was taunting me and I ... snapped." He could feel his older brother's eyes boring into him, and his gaze made Kili feel cold. He curled and uncurled his fists, feeling the cuts on his knuckles pull. There was silence in the long hall, only the crackling of the torches was to be heard, and the silence seemed to stretch onwards and onwards, getting louder and louder until it was almost deafening. Kili wanted his brother to say something, but he was afraid of what that something would be. What was Fili thinking in that moment, of him? Did he think he was crazy, that there was something wrong inside his little brother's head, that something had snapped within him? But he asked only a question, his words laced with concern and apprehension.
"How often do you hear him? See him?"
"Every day, more than once." Kili answered honestly. Now the words were coming quick and fast, everything he had buried and hidden over the previous two weeks finally being set free. "I see him everywhere, shadows, reflections, in other people, in my sleep. And not just him. It's Azog and Gurlak and the other orcs, and the dead bodies from the battle standing and watching me, talking and screaming. And even when I don't see them, I hear them, in my head like echos. Black speech too. It wont go away, and it's so loud." As he said it out loud, he did sound crazy, even to himself. Maybe he was, maybe something had snapped. "I don't know what's real and what's not anymore." He shook his head and turned to Fili with tearful eyes, "Is there something wrong with me? Have I gone crazy?" There was a desperation in his brown eyes that made Fili's heart ache. He considered his brother's question, going over each word Kili had said over and over. The Necromancer, orcs, dead bodies, black speech. All this was going on in Kili's head? 'Is there something wrong with me? Have I gone crazy?' Fili hadn't met many crazy people, but he thought of one dwarf that once live in his town, he was old and lived along in a house with a broken roof. People called him delusional, said he talked to people that weren't there, saw things that other's couldn't. Fili sighed.
"I don't know, Kili, I really don't." He said with a shrug. And it was true, he didn't. He didn't want to make his brother feel worse, but he also didn't want to lie to him. "What happened to you it was ... horrible, and it's bound to have affected you in some way, brother. These memories aren't going to go away so soon."
"You think that's what they are? Memories?"
"Perhaps."
"I'm never going to be free of them am I? I'll always be their prisoner." Kili said in a low voice, little more that a whisper.
"Kili." Fili sighed, looking deep into his little brother's eyes, noticing again how dark and empty they had become. "What has happened to you is part of you and, yes, it will always be, but it is not all of you. It will not define you, Kee. And I am here for you, I will always be here for you, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?" Kili looked at him and nodded. "I want to help you and I will." Fili paused, thinking of his next words carefully, he wondered how his brother would respond. "I have to tell Thorin, Kili, do you understand?" At this Kili shot back from him, his eyes wide. He shook his head.
"No, you can't. You can't." He pleaded, "You promised me you wouldn't, you promised!"
"I know I did, but that was this morning, Kili, before you told me all this. I want to help you, little brother, but I can't do it myself. And I don't want you to be alone." The betrayed look on Kili's face began to drop away. "You suffered alone for long enough when you were taken from me, I wont see it happen now that I have you back."
"He's king now, Fili, he doesn't have time to worry about me, and it's nothing, I'll be alright." He said, his words coming out in quick secession, no breath coming in between.
"Yes he is, you're right, but he's you uncle, too. And he loves you, he'll want to help you." Fili would not allow Thorin to brush Kili off again, not that he was now free of the Dragon-sickness. To Fili, being king wasn't reason enough to ignore your family. Nothing was reason enough. And if he tried, Fili would break his kingly nose. "And it's not 'nothing,' Kili. And you're not alright. You need your friends and family. Let us help you, please." This time, it was Fili's voice who was pleading. Two pairs of eyes, blue and brown, locked and remained locked for many minutes. The blue eyes saw the brown's fear and the brown's saw the blue's desperation, their need. And the brown knew that the blue were right, he did not want to be alone. Not anymore. And so Kili nodded. "Good," Fili smiled, "good, thank you." The elder brother wrapped his arms around the younger, pulling him in close, thankful that Kili was letting him in and letting him help. But as Fili held him, he wondered how best to tell Thorin. Perhaps he should speak to Oin, the old healer may have some advice too. "You didn't sleep last night," Fili said, unwrapping his arms, "why don't you get some sleep, I'll light all the candles."
-A/N-
Guess whose back? At last, I know? It's only been like ... two months. Sorry about that. My work keep giving me shift after shift after shift and it's exhausting :(
Once again I am giving poor Kili a rough time, but perhaps he'll finally get help. But isn't Fili the best big brother ever?
And any of you eagle-eyed readers who read my last fic, Nothing Without You, will recognize the name of Kili's pony.
I hope you enjoyed this part, be sure to review and let me know what you think! And fave/follow if you haven't already, it means a lot. Thank you guys, you rock *virtual high-five*
