Olivia woke up disoriented. It was dark in the room except for a small bit of diffused light, and she panicked for a moment, her mind unable to focus on where she was. A few seconds later, the events of the day slammed back into her full force. She was in her new apartment. Their new apartment. The first night here, and instead of the romantic evening she envisioned, curled up with Elliot in their bed, she was asleep on the couch. Alone.
She looked at her watch, trying to read the time in the darkened room. It looked like it was 3AM. And Elliot hadn't come back. At least she didn't think so. She was reasonably certain she would have heard him come in. Even the quietest of people couldn't trump a trained cop…and a mother. She hadn't slept deeply in years.
She sat up and stretched. Her back was sore from sleeping in an odd position on the couch, and she realized she was cold. They had left the windows open, letting in the summer breeze during the day. But now the night had chilled and the room was cool.
She got up from the couch and closed the windows. She padded down the hallway and peeked in Elise's room. True to form, the little girl was sprawled out on the bed, taking up as much space as possible. The nightlight cast a dim light around the room and Olivia could see the mess she was going to have to sort out. She hesitated a second, wanting to crawl into bed with Elise and snuggle her, but she didn't want to wake her. It seemed wrong to take comfort from a four-year-old, but for most of her life, it had just been Elise and Olivia, and holding her daughter close had gotten her through some pretty miserable bouts, when she was missing her old life…and Elliot.
She backed out of the room and closed the door and looked down towards their bedroom. She knew it was irrational, but maybe somehow Elliot had snuck in, gotten past her, and crawled into bed. She walked down the hall and poked her head into their room. The ambient light from the half-moon cast a low light on the room and she saw their bed, still sitting haphazardly in the middle of the room, unmade. They had planned on putting their room together last night, after the big move and Elise was settled. Elliot had joked about making the bed the first priority once Elise was asleep. He had leaned in with a salacious grin and whispered a few delicious details of exactly what he wanted to do to her. She had actually blushed, batting at him because didn't he know his son and his friends were just a few yards away?
That seemed so long ago.
She sat down on the bed and wondered where he was. She knew they still had the keys to his old apartment, and she assumed he'd gone there. But then she had second thoughts because there wasn't one stick of furniture…not one blanket or sheet…in the whole place. She couldn't see him settling on the hard floor. The cribs were the next logical answer, and she felt a stab of humiliation at the thought of that. The bunks there were his refuge when he and Kathy weren't getting along. She didn't want to be that person.
She lay back on the stripped mattress and rolled over on her side, grabbing a pillow and hugging it close to her body. She thought about calling him. But honestly, she didn't know what she would say. She would tell him that she was sorry and that she loved him, but she was certain that he wouldn't accept that. It wouldn't solve anything. His words kept echoing in her mind. Why did she keep backing away? She loved him…she had for a long time. She had everything she ever wanted. Everything she thought she ever wanted. Why couldn't she just relax? Enjoy it? Accept it?
Because she was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. She had learned in her life that she couldn't have what other people have. That she shouldn't expect too much. She'd grown up watching her schoolmates have birthday parties and Christmas mornings and trips to the zoo. Serena had always made promises, but Olivia could rarely recall any kind of celebration. Her birthday was a time where Serena spiraled into even deeper depression, and Olivia didn't understand it until she was much older. Holidays were just as tough, and the mother and daughter outings were few and far between, and usually revolved around something that interested Serena, or involved the university she taught at. An art exhibit. A poetry reading. Olivia had taught herself to be happy with it, but she learned not to get her hopes up when her mother mentioned that maybe they could go to the beach, or to a movie.
It was part of the reason that Olivia let herself fall in love at such a young age. She wanted to escape her mother, and at that age, she still thought she could have a different life. But that ended in disaster, as did her next major relationship. An affair with a much older man that ended quite abruptly when he realized that a young Olivia thought their relationship meant more than it did.
After that, Olivia kept her expectations low. The things that other people had? They weren't meant for her. She focused on her schooling and her work, throwing her passion and energy into that. She dated, but they never turned into much. She never let it. It had been that way until the day she walked into the 16th precinct. The day she met Elliot.
She thinks back on those early days fondly. It wasn't an immediate attraction…she's not so crazy to think they fell in love at first sight. But it was the easiness between them. He listened to her. Respected her. They became friends.
The falling happened gradually. It wasn't as if there was one specific event…one thing that made her fall for him. Or him for her. It was probably during their fourth year of their partnership that she realized she had feelings for him that she shouldn't. Maybe it was sooner. She didn't really know, but she knew he felt the same. And then there was a long period where they tamped it down, pretended it wasn't real.
And then Gitano happened and they couldn't pretend anymore. They fell into their affair hard and Olivia had hope that she could have everything she wanted. But she was still cautious…still worried that this life wasn't meant for her. That she would end up hurt. Rejected.
It was why she left Elliot five years ago. His life was being torn apart. She left him before he could leave her. It was inevitable. He was trying to make a life with her, but he was miserable about what was happening with his kids. He would always choose them over her, as he should. She told herself that if she was the one that left, it wouldn't hurt as much. She had been wrong…so wrong. The pain was unbearable. Her unborn baby was the only thing that had saved her from spiraling into deep depression, and they had built a life together. She had believed in their little family. She could control that and Elise loved her unconditionally.
Elise was the reason that she'd had the courage to come back and tell Elliot about her. The years she spent raising her made her feel confident. She could love unconditionally, and be loved in return. She wasn't worried about someone taking that love away from her. It was a bond that couldn't be broken, even if Elise came to love other people. It didn't diminish who Olivia was to her.
So what was she afraid of? She knew Elliot loved her. He had let her back in his life, even after all the pain she had caused him. He had never given her any reason to doubt that he wanted a life with her.
Was she really just twisting everything he did and said into something more than was? Was she really so messed up that she was subconsciously sabotaging their relationship?
She didn't want to believe it. It was easier to blame Elliot…accuse him of trying to smother her…change her.
What she did want to believe is that she had changed and grown…finally broken free of the doubts that she couldn't have the life she had always yearned for.
The realization that she hadn't was crushing. She knew what she wanted. She wanted Elliot. Their family. She wanted a future with him.
But she had no idea how to get there. How to get rid of her hidden insecurities once and for all.
She wrestled with her thoughts some more until she fell into a restless sleep.
EOEOEOEOEO
Elliot woke up to a small dog licking his face. He pushed the dog away, and wiped the slobber off his face with disgust. He sat up quickly as the dog came back and he groaned at the pain in his head. He rubbed his temples as he swung his legs off the couch and into a sitting position. He held his head in his hands as the events of the day before came rushing back to him.
He felt his gut clench when he remembered storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. The sight of Olivia sliding here engagement ring off her finger…
It tore at his heart. He was still angry. She had promised him time and again that they were done with this bullshit. When she had told him she would marry him, he had breathed a sigh of relief. She believed in them. Everything he had hoped and dreamed of having with her was finally coming true.
It might not be a question of won't. It might be a question of can't.
Tony's words from the night before echoed in this mind.
"You look like you could use some coffee."
Elliot looked up and saw Terry standing there with two mugs of coffee. He held one out to Elliot.
"It's strong. Black."
"Thanks." Elliot said, taking the mug from him. He took a sip and cringed as it burned his mouth.
"How're you feeling?" Terry asked. "You were knocking them back last night."
"I feel like shit." He admitted. He didn't know why he'd been drinking like that. He knew that wasn't the way to solve anything. But he had just wanted to forget.
"Jamie is going to make us some breakfast."
Elliot stood up. "Tell her not to go to the trouble. I'm gonna get going." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Thanks for meeting me last night." He leaned over to pick up his shoes, grimacing at the pain in his head. "And for letting me crash here."
"I don't know if I helped, but I was glad I was there to listen." He followed Elliot to the door of the apartment. He clapped a hand on Elliot's shoulder. "Just…don't make any snap decisions. Give it some time." He said. "I told you last night, but I don't know if you remember. Everything you said. The way you talk about her." He sighed. "Don't give up on her."
Elliot opened the door and looked back at Terry. "I can't do anything about it if she's given up on me."
EOEOEOEOEO
Olivia was awakened by Elise, but she struggled to open her eyes. They felt itchy and swollen, and she knew it was from crying the night before. Elise started jumping on the bed, and Olivia was moaning that only one of them was re-energized after a good night's sleep.
"I want pancakes Mama." Elise said as she continued to jump. "Pancakes. Pancakes. Pancakes."
Olivia groaned as Elise landed on her, accidently catching her in the ribs with an elbow.
"Sorry." She said, but Olivia only heard glee in her voice as she hopped back up and started jumping again. "I want chocolate chip pancakes!" She clapped her hands and then dropped down to her knees. She pulled at Olivia's shoulder, forcing her to roll over on her back. She leaned her arm on her chest, and peered into Olivia's eyes. "Can we have chocolate chip pancakes?"
Olivia closed her eyes, willing herself to have some patience. She wanted to shield Elise from all this ugliness. She grabbed her little shoulders gently to try to keep her from bouncing on her anymore. "Yes. I'll make you pancakes. But you have to give me a minute."
Elise never heard anything beyond yes. She was off the bed and skipping down the hall. "I'm gonna be your helper!" She yelled and thirty seconds later, Olivia heard her opening and closing cabinet doors. When she heard the refrigerator door open, she rolled out of bed, deciding to skip the shower she had hoped for. She went to the bathroom and then splashed cold water on her face, wanting to get into the kitchen as quickly as she could. Elise knew she couldn't touch knives or the stove, but that didn't mean she couldn't make a mess.
Olivia walked into the kitchen and saw that Elise had pulled a stool over to the counter. She as currently kneeling precariously on her knees, with a bowl in front of her. As Olivia caught up to her, Elise cracked an egg into the bowl, dropping the egg and shells into the bowl. Olivia closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. It was going to be a long morning.
"Mommy. You have to open your eyes to make pancakes." Elise said, laughing as if she had told a funny joke.
Olivia opened her eyes and looked down at Elise. "You're right. We wouldn't want any eggshells in our pancakes, would we?" She looked into the bowl to try to determine if it was salvageable or if they needed to start over. Before she could even say anything, Elise dipped her hands into the bowl and started to dig out the shells.
"I got 'em." She said, dropping shells onto the counter.
Olivia stifled a groan. Elise hadn't washed her hands and Olivia didn't want anything to do with the pancakes in this bowl. "Honey, let's start over." She put the bowl in the sink. "But first, let's wash your hands." She wrapped an arm around Elise's waist and dragged her and the stool over to the sink. When the water was warm, she helped Elise soap and rinse her hands. She handed Elise a towel, and was just about to drag the stool back to their work are when she heard keys in the door.
Her breath hitched as she realized it had to be Elliot.
"It's Daddy!" Elise yelled, wriggling out of her arms and practically falling off the stool. Olivia helped to steady her and she tore for the door as soon as her feet hit the floor. She didn't look up as he came in, or when he spoke to Elise.
"Hey sweetie." He said. "I missed you."
Olivia moved the stool back to it's original spot and started cracking eggs into a new bowl.
"Me and Mommy are making pancakes." Elise said. "Chocolate chip pancakes."
Olivia lifted her head slightly and could see Elise was trying to drag Elliot towards the kitchen counter where she was working.
"Hey. Elise. Stop." Elliot said.
Olivia looked up then and saw Elliot was squatting down on the floor next to her.
"I have a surprise for you." He said. "I'm going to take you to the beach today. We'll go swimming and play in the sand and we'll have a picnic."
Olivia looked at him, trying to keep any emotion from her face. So far, he hadn't acknowledged her at all.
"Yay!" Elise said, smiling from ear to ear. "Is Mommy coming with us?" She turned to look at Olivia, keeping one hand firmly clasped in Elliot's.
"I'm sorry baby, but not today." Elliot said, not even looking up at Olivia. "Mommy has stuff to do today. It's just going to be me and you. Maybe we can see if Katie or Liz want to go with us."
Olivia was slightly shocked at his words…and at the fact that he was taking Elise. She wasn't alarmed or worried in any way. It was just the fact that he was completely ignoring her. He hadn't asked if she had anything planned, or wanted to go along. The last thing she wanted to do was spend the day alone. She had assumed that he would show up at some point in the day and that they would be able to talk. But now it was apparent that he had no intention of talking to her…or even being around her.
"But we were making pancakes."
Olivia was barely registering Elise's words as she continued to have a conversation with Elliot. She stood at the counter with her hands on the eggs and willed herself to say something. Anything. But before she knew it, Elliot was up and heading down the hallway with Elise in tow, telling her they would get breakfast on the way to the beach.
She tried to focus on what he was saying, and she heard him tell Elise that he was going to take a shower, and for her to get dressed and find her swimsuit. She watched Elise duck into her room, and watched as Elliot disappeared into their bedroom and closed the door behind him.
She followed Elise into her bedroom, and tried to help her find something to wear. She pulled some shorts out of a box, and then found a t-shirt and a sweatshirt. Elise got dressed, chattering away about everything they were going to do at the beach, and Olivia had to bite her bottom lip to stifle her emotions. She was digging through boxes, trying to find a swimsuit and flip-flops, and was getting more frustrated by the second.
"I need my Ariel towel." Elise said as she pulled on her sweatshirt.
Olivia stifled a groan, having no idea where that would be packed. "Come here sweetie so I can put your hair in a ponytail."
"I don't want a ponytail. I want a braid." She plopped down on the bed in front of Olivia.
"How about a ponytail?" Olivia asked. She started brushing Elise's hair and could barely believe when Elise didn't argue with her.
"Daddy's going to teach me how to swim." She said.
"You already know how to swim" Olivia said. Elise had been taking swim lessons since she was a baby.
"Yes, but Daddy doesn't know that!" she said, laughing. "I'm going to surprise him."
Olivia shook her head. Sometimes Elise acted like a typical 4-year-old, and other times, she swore she was an adult stashed in a small body. Before she could reply, she heard Elliot open their bedroom door and she braced herself slightly. A few seconds later, he poked his head inside Elise's room and glanced at her quickly before he looked down at Elise.
"Ready to go?"
"Just a second." Olivia said, fastening the hair binder around her ponytail. As soon as it was done, Elise hopped down off the bed and ran for the door. "Hold on." Olivia said. "I haven't found your swimsuit yet." There was one unopened box that didn't have its contents dumped on the floor. Elliot sauntered into the room and opened the flaps of the box, and in five seconds, he had her swimsuit and a pair of sandals in his hand.
"Daddy, I need my Ariel towel." Elise said as she held onto one of his arms. Elliot stood up, clasping Elise's hands so she was dangling from his arm and she squealed with delight. He scooped her into his other arm, juggling her and the other items in his arms. "I've got towels for us." He said as he headed for the door.
He stopped just inside the doorway, and Olivia's breath hitched slightly, wondering if he had changed his mind. If he was going to ask her to join them.
He looked back at her. "We'll be back by bedtime." He said. And then he disappeared out the door.
