Day after day I go to see Danieka. The nurses say she's recovering but I see her all the same, maybe she has gained another pound or two but besides that I don't see a change.
Today Carlyne is with Johanna and me, we don't talk much while we are in Danieka's room, there is little to say and we don't want the nurses to hear us, in case they tell someone else, we all know Capitol people love to gossip.
I finally got the courage to touch her again, before it seemed easy to fight against her, to rub her arm, or embrace her or even kiss her cheek but now I feel like I might break her if I touch her, she seems so fragile, so I haven't done so until now.
I sit next to her bed and after about an hour, my hand rises until it slightly rubs Danieka's left hand. It's deadly cold but her skin is smooth, though. I grab only a finger at first, feeling uncertain if I should do so or not but after another ten minutes I grab her whole hand. I keep doing it every time I visit her after that.
"She will wake up, right?" I ask as one of the nurses walks inside the room as she needs to check on Danieka.
"Of course she will, but sometimes this takes time." She says with a small smile. "If she weren't so undernourished she would recover quicker, besides the snake that bit her, was very poisonous and the venom went through all her body for a long time, I'm actually surprised she's alive, she's a fighter."
The nurse nods at me and walks out of the room, as soon as she does I put my hand on top of Danieka's and stare at her face, waiting to see her opening those blue eyes I love, but nothing happens, at least not today.
"What would have happened if neither, Danieka nor Kellen, woke up?" Johanna whispers to Carlyne, so I don't hear, but I still do. We are out of the hospital by now.
"I have no idea." Carlyne admits, keeping his voice low as well. "Kade had been dead for twenty minutes or more by the time they were all picked up, I don't know if they could have revived him either."
"So they are left with no victor?" Johanna asks him.
"Probably." He shrugs. "Or maybe they reap another twenty-four kids."
"That would be horrible."
Johanna makes sure I eat and sleep the amount I should, claiming there is nothing to fear anymore. What she doesn't understand is that I have nightmares about what can happen to Danieka as soon as she wakes up, she's only a girl, she isn't ready for all of this.
'Maybe it's best if she never wakes up.'
I close my eyes tightly and put my hands over my head, I don't know that to think anymore, I don't know what is wrong and what is right anymore, all I know is that Danie's suffering hasn't stopped yet.
I feel guilty every day, for letting my feelings control me. She should be dead, it would be the best, Kellen or Kade should be the one crowned as victor. That's what a part of me thinks but the other thinks I'm a heartless bastard for even considering that. Danie is alive and I should be happy for it, right?
I'm so ashamed of my thoughts that I don't dare to voice them, I want to tell Johanna, the only person who wouldn't judge me, but I just can't, it's too awful to say them aloud.
Today has been the first day that it hasn't rained yet, the sky is a bit cloudy and the temperature are quite low, it doesn't feel as depressing as the last few days, though. But it's not like I care, not really.
Once again, I'm visiting Danieka with Johanna and Carlyne. We had to wait about an hour because Brutus was here, he doesn't know about us seeing her.
Today I'm not by her side, though. I'm pacing the room, going one way and then going back just to do it all over again, this is a good way to not get so anxious and time seems like it goes by a bit faster. Carlyne seems a bit affected by it, though.
"Can't you just sit down, Finnick?" He asks me in an irritated tone.
"Just leave him." Johanna tells him. "It does him good."
And it actually does, at least to calm myself down a bit. I release some stress by doing it, I don't know why, I just know it is better than just sit there and feeling like the time is frozen and that Danieka won't ever wake up.
But as I turn around once again when I reach the wall closest to the door just to keep walking to the other side, I see her blue eyes. I close my eyes and tell myself she's not waken up, that my mind is playing games on me but when I open my eyes I see them again and I'm not the only one that sees them.
"Danie." I say softly, I'm not even sure if I really said it or if I just imagined it but I must have, because Danieka turns her head slightly to look at me.
I can only see confusion in her eyes, it's obvious she doesn't recognize me or Carlyne or Johanna. Carlyne rushes out of the room and calls the nurses.
"She has woken up, she opened her eyes!" He says loudly and in no time two nurses rush in and check on her.
A third and a fourth nurse make us leave the room, we do so but we refused to leave the building, at least I will wait until the nurses tell me how she is, so we sit outside Danieka's room, we hear some noises coming from there but none of us move to check, we just stay there, waiting for a nurse to come out.
Eventually a quite young one does, she has bright orange hair and gold skin. I stand up quickly and start to ask her too many questions at the same time, Carlyne does the same.
"She's okay, we think she won't go back into another coma but she must be free from any stress situation that can trigger another setback in her health, mentally and physically."
"Can she talk?" Carlyne asks.
"She has tried but she could only make faint noises." The nurse said. "We have done lots of tests on her and she seems fine, though."
"Can we see her?"
"I'm not sure, I'm going to ask the others." And after that being said, she goes back inside the room and closes the door quickly, not letting us even catching a glimpse of Danieka.
Ten minutes later the oldest nurse walks out of the room to meet us, she speaks before all of us can say a word.
"You can't see her right now, no one can. She's a bit fragile." She says to us, "And you must leave right now, President Snow and Seneca Crane have been notified she's awake, they might come here."
"Will they see here?" I ask in an alarmed tone, if she's fragile she won't stand it.
"No, no one can see her, not even President Snow." She says firmly. "We don't really want her to fall into another coma and the President and everyone else must understand that."
"When can we see her?" Johanna asks.
"Come back tomorrow." She says after thinking for a long moment. "I'll tell you then if she's fit to see you. And when you do see her, don't ask her too many questions and don't tell her many things, don't even mention the Games just yet."
"Alright."
I know I have to leave but my feet don't seem to move, I stay there not wanting to go. Johanna finally pulls me from my wrist and we walk out of the building. Danieka's finally awake.
As the nurse said, we all go back to the hospital the next day. We are all eager to see her.
"Only one at a time." The nurse says. "And if she can with it, I'll let two go inside at the same time, so who's first?"
No one speaks, not even me. Should I be first? Carlyne and Johanna think so, they both push me slightly to go forward, the nurse understands and nods. She opens the door and lets me in.
"Hello Danieka." She says in a too sweat kind of voice. "You got a visitor."
I can't help but smile at her when she looks at me. She still looks confused and disorientated and tired but she doesn't look frightened, which is quite good.
"Do you know who he is, right?" She asks her.
Danieka looks at me from head to toe. She takes a long time focusing on my face, though, but finally she nods at the woman, who is smiling like there is no tomorrow.
"Alright, I'll leave now. Danieka, if you need anything, you know you just need to press that button." She says pointing to a red button on the wall close to her.
Some minutes pass and I have no idea what to say or do, she looks from me to the window, from the window to her hands, from her hands back to me. Somehow, I can tell she is indeed damaged, mentally. I can see it in her eyes and I feel like crying because of it.
"Uhm, h – hi." I stutter.
"Hi." I barely hear her, but at least she's starting to talk again.
"I'm glad you are finally awake." I say, she says nothing to me just smiles a bit. "You really know who I am, right?"
"Finn." She whispers, her voice cracks a bit, not allowing her to finish my name, but that's enough for me, at least I know she recognizes me.
"I can't tell you much now but I'm glad you are recovering." I say.
I don't know what else to say, I can't help but think about the way she'll react when she starts to remember more things or when she's told more things, who will tell her? Maybe her mentors, Bruturs and Lyme, I just hope they are delicate in the way they tell her so she doesn't suffer a breakdown or something.
"Is everything okay?" I ask her, she nods at me but there is something in her eyes that give her away. "You sure?"
She bits her lip as she stares out the window, lost in thought. She looks a bit distress and I can't help but take a few steps, until I reach the end of her bed, that's when she looks back at me.
"I want to know things." She says slowly, taking a pause after each word and again her tone is very low, I barely understand what she is saying.
"I know." I tell her. "I promise to answer all your questions once I can tell you, the nurses think you are still a bit fragile so they are taking no risks."
She looks a bit upset by this information, she crosses her arms and looks away from me but nevertheless, she nods.
I hear a knock at the door and I know my time is up, Carlyne is probably next. I couldn't stop myself from approaching the girl that stole my heart and kissing her on the top of the head.
She looks up at me with a smile on her lips, even her eyes are shining a bit, something they hadn't done in such a long time, it almost looks strange on her, but a good kind of strange. And then, right there, I got a terrible urge, the urge is so strong and keeps getting stronger that I can't fight it. So I do the least thing I should have done, I lean in and instead of kissing the top of her head as I did before, I softly peck her on her lips.
It doesn't even last a second, I lean away and I storm out of that room before I can even blink and realize what I just did. I don't even dare to look back and see her reaction, I just walk out of the room with an expression of shock written all over my face, of course the nurses wouldn't notice, not even Carlyne does, but I'm not sure if I can trick Johanna, she knows me too well. I can't even change my expression to a normal one when I see her, it's too late.
"Are you alright?" She asks me, standing up from her seat, I only nod at her.
I'm so stupid, I feel like slapping myself. I must admit it did feel good even when it lasted practically nothing, but I did felt something in my stomach and in my heart, I can't quite describe it, though. But it was not to be done, she's fragile. She's is not supposed to know lots of thing now, less being kissed. It was a stupid thing to do, I just hope it doesn't affect her in any negative way, I can't afford myself to cause her any more damage.
"Finnick?"
"I'm fine." I snap, I don't mean to but I do it.
"Is she okay?"
"I guess."
"What happened inside there?" Johanna asks me, getting a bit nervous.
"Nothing." I tell her. "She can't talk much."
"Yeah, that's what the nurse said yesterday." Johanna says. "Are you going to tell me or do I have to keep nagging you all day long until you tell me?"
"Everything is fine." I say. "I think I'll go to my room, though. I think I need to rest."
"Okay, do you want me to go with you?" She asks, she now knows something is not okay, I can see it in her eyes and I don't know how much longer I can't keep her from knowing the truth, I know she will get it from me eventually.
"No, I'm okay." I tell her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I just need to rest I guess."
Before she can say anything else, I walk out of the room, I walk out of the building and before I know it, I'm walking around the Capitol. I just need to clear my thoughts, I need some fresh air and be away from everyone.
Everyone has claimed they could tell I like her, even I recently admitted that I care about her in a very special way and that I do love her, but did I really mean like if I'm in love with her? Am I? I never thought I would. I tried to hide it, to deny it to myself mostly, unconsciously of course, but have I really fallen in love with this young girl?
What about Annie? I used to like her and be in love with her before all this mess, of course I'll always love her, she means a lot to me, but have I really fallen for someone else? Am I over Annie?
Besides, it's not like I have a future with Annie, that girl is so mentally damaged to have a normal life. She has been at the Capitol's hospital since she won and she hasn't gotten better, she won two years ago and I feel so broken to admit that I lost her as soon as she went into the arena.
Maybe that's why I wanted Danieka to win so bad, unconsciously I got attached to her and tried to prepare her not only physically but mentally as well, at least I think I did, so when the time came she would be prepared, and she wouldn't go insane. I guess that unconsciously I didn't want the story to repeat itself, I didn't want to lose Danieka the same way I lost Annie.
She just woke up so I can't tell the depth of her damage but I just hope it's not as severe as Annie's and that somehow she'll be okay. I just can't afford to lose her too, I wouldn't bare it, I just can't let that happen and besides, I promised her, I promised her I wouldn't let anything like that happen to her and I mean to do it even if it takes me a lifetime and all of me to keep up to my word.
