Summary:
Alistair's concerned and finds comfort with his best friend.
Cullen's looking a little worse for wear.
Something is bound to snap soon.
(New dolls this chapter! Welcome Lana and Anders!) :) - To see the pictures I've created to go with these chapters, please find me on Twitter: Aurlana1 or Instagram: Aurlana1313
Notes:
TW More of Cullen's downward spiral. And Alistair finally drawing the line.
Cocktails & Cheese
Cullen and Alistair - A Modern Day AU
Chapter 51
Mishaps & Misfortune - Part 8
Alistair was a mess of frustrated energy. He was attempting to take inventory at the bar, but ended up just moving things around: roughly, needlessly, and loudly. He started to reach for the expensive case of Johnny Walker Blue when he felt a familiar hand on his arm.
"Alistair, stop." Lana calmly took his hands in hers and guided him over to a crate where she made him sit down. "Abusing the stock won't make you feel better and breaking things is only going to cost you more in the long run. Neither of which is helpful."
Alistair rested his head against her stomach and took comfort in her fingers running through his hair. "I'm sorry. It's just… Cullen's not acting like himself and it's got me a little frustrated."
"A little?" She raised one eyebrow.
"Okay, a lot," he amended.
"You want to tell me about it?"
"As if you don't already know what's going through my head," Alistair grumbled.
Lana shrugged. "True. But, sometimes it helps to talk things through, the process itself can lead to new ideas-"
"Yeah, yeah. You're smart. I get it." Alistair frowned.
Lana sat down on the crate next to Alistair and waited patiently for him to start.
Wrapping an arm around her, he sighed, forlornly. "I sent him a text earlier to invite him to lunch and his response was… well, it wasn't what I expected."
"What happened?" she asked.
"He turned me down, for one. So I called him to see if he was okay and… he just seemed off. He brushed away my questions and then snapped at me. Something's going on with him and I feel like he's pushing me away."
'So, what do you think is going on?" Lana asked.
Alistair sighed, hanging his head. "I don't know. He's been having his nightmares again; waking up in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep until I get home."
"Is he still letting you comfort him?"
"Physically, yes. But, he won't talk about what's going on. I don't know what he's dreaming about, but whatever it is, it's getting worse."
Lana nodded her head and chewed her bottom lip in that telltale way that let Alistair know she was deliberating over how much to tell him.
"You know something more, don't you?" He narrowed his eyes at her, then sighed in resignation. "I feel like I'm the only one in the dark here. He talks to Dorian, he… well, I guess he doesn't have to talk to you."
"No, see, that's just it. I don't know what's going on either," she said, sadly. "I can feel only a trickle of his emotions and I might get a word from him here or there, but Cullen has his shields buttoned up so tight right now. He really must struggling with whatever's got him so worked up for him to be so guarded."
Alistair groaned. "That's just great. The one in that could help allay my fears, and he's hiding from you too." He rested his cheek on the top of her head. "What do you think I should do?"
"Just give him time to work through it on his own and trust that everything is going to be okay." She smiled, reassuringly. "He'll come to us when he's ready."
"I've been trying, but he's not making it easy. It also doesn't explain why he's being so weird about Andy?"
"Andy?" Lana looked up in interest. "Did he say something to you about Anders?"
"Nothing specific. He's just acting really odd about them. They haven't even met yet and it feels like Cullen wants nothing to do with them." Alistair looked at his hands and picked at one of his nails.
Lana narrowed her eyes. "Has anything happened that would have set him off?"
Alistair shrugged. "Not that I can think of? I mean. We've talked about Anders before. Cullen knows about our history and never seemed bothered by it. It was a long time ago anyway. It wasn't until Dania came in and I called Anders to town that Cullen started to act differently."
"Hmmm. Maybe it's just the seriousness of the case?" Lana supplied. "You know how focused he gets over those he feels responsible for protecting."
"Maybe, but he seemed okay after we got Dania's statement and then he just… checked out."
"What happened after Dania's statement that could have changed things?"
"We were both disgusted with what she told us, and after she left we were commiserating over the fact that I thought fighting darkspawn was easier to deal with… and then... " Alistair sucked in a breath. "Shit!"
"Sounds like you found your way back to a possible cause?" Lana elbowed him playfully in the ribs.
"Possibly? I'm not sure. Anders called and I sort of… took over Cullen's office while we hashed out the details of their coming to town."
Lana frowned at him.
"I know, I know. I already apologized to him for being so rude. I just got so excited to finally get to talk to Anders after all this time and I sort of… misplaced my manners." He looked at Lana in horror. "He made a comment on the phone earlier too, something about giving us time to re-connect. He couldn't seriously think that I… and with Anders-"
"Cullen's been under a lot of stress and pressure lately. Add to that the fact that he hasn't been sleeping well and you have a recipe for doubts and insecurities to breed and fester." Lana lay her hand on Alistair's. "You need to talk to him before they meet. Just the two of you."
Alistair nodded. "Yeah, yeah I do. I'll try to steal a few minutes with him after lunch before I introduce the two of them. Maybe after they meet in person, he'll see that Andy's one of the least threatening people around. Plus, I think if Cullen gave them a chance, he'd see how alike they really are. Anders was tickled pink about the prospect of working with Cullen." He chuckled. "I think they have a bit of hero worship going on; the way they were waxing poetic about Cullen's history with the chantry and all the work he's done for the people ever since."
"Anders is a kind soul. They'll understand if Cullen needs a little more time."
Alistair shook his head. "I don't want to put that on them. Anders has been through so much already."
"Losing Karl was hard on them," Lana agreed. "I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I lost Lel."
"I know," Alistair said. "I just wish we could have been there as they dealt with everything."
"Anders asked for space so they could mourn properly, we only did what they asked of us."
"I know. I just hate that it had to be a case that brought them into town. But now that they're on their way, I'm looking forward to catching up." Alistair stood up and pulled Lana into his arms for a quick hug. "Thanks for talking, for… helping me calm down."
"Anytime, you know that," Lana said, standing on her toes to kiss Alistair on the cheek.
"I know, and it's appreciated. Listen, can you finish up here? I need to check out the loft to make sure it's ready for Anders, then head out to meet everyone at the restaurant."
"Of course. Enjoy your lunch, and Ali?"
"Hmmm?" He turned back to look at Lana.
"It will be okay. Just give him time and watch your actions with Anders. You and I both know where your heart lies, but if that is what Cullen's worried about, you don't want to fuel his imagination any further."
Alistair nodded, turned with a sigh and headed to the loft.
Alistair enjoyed his lunch with Dania and Anders. It was the perfect distraction. He really missed his old friend and was pleased to see how well everyone got along. He just wished Cullen was there as well.
The meeting wasn't all fun and reminiscences, though. Anders was brought up to speed with everything that had happened, and they were able to discuss a makeshift game plan for when Dania's case went to trial. It was a start, and from their discussion, it seemed like they would actually have enough evidence to finally lock Nick Mac Tir away for a very long time.
Alistair ordered Cullen lunch to go, then bid farewell to Dania and her entourage before heading over to the precinct. He hoped that Lana was wrong, and that Cullen was just being cranky from lack of sleep. But, as Anders bantered happily about how excited they were to meet the famous Commander who, against all odds, broke from his ties with the chantry, Alistair had a sneaking suspicion that this meeting wasn't going to go the way he wanted it to.
"Hey, Jim. This is my friend, Anders. They'll be working closely with us on the case against Mr. Mac Tir," Alistair said when they entered the station.
Jim stood from his desk and shook Anders' hand. "Pleasure to meet you. The boss is in the office if you want to—"
"Hello, Alistair," Rylen interrupted. "This must be the famous, Mx. Thekla we've been waiting for."
Anders smiled and accepted the handshake, looking a little confused. "Commander, Rutherford, I presume?"
Rylen laughed and winked at Alistair. "My wife would be really confused if I were." He turned his smile back to Anders. "I'm Lieutenant Rylen Vitez, the Commander's second in command. I thought I'd go over the reports with you while Alistair and Cullen touch base on a few things." He looked pointedly at Alistair, who smiled apologetically to Anders.
"Sorry for the confusion. I was a little worried that the papers got his likeness all wrong." Anders smiled, bashfully. "It's a pleasure to meet you in any case, Lieutenant. As long as Alistair's ok with it, I'll be happy to join you. I still have a few questions that Dania wasn't able to answer for me over lunch. Maybe you'll be able to shed some light on things?"
"I will do my best, Mx. Thekla," Rylen said.
"It's just Anders, please."
Rylen smiled. "Of course, please call me Rylen. Jim, will you show our new friend to my office? I will be there in a moment."
"Yes, sir," Jim said, and quickly complied with the request.
When they were alone, Rylen turned to Alistair, his brow furrowed with worry. "I can buy you about twenty minutes. I suggest you make them count." At Alistair's confused look, he added, "Lana called and mentioned you needed some time with Cullen before he's introduced to Anders."
He clasped Rylen on the shoulder and smiled gratefully. "Thanks. I owe ya one."
"You owe me more than one by now." Rylen chuckled. "But if you can smooth his rough edges, I'll consider us even. He's pretty bad today."
Alistair nodded and headed for the door with Cullen's lunch in hand. He knocked softly, then slipped inside, closing the door behind him. Cullen looked terrible: he'd forgotten to shave, his shirt was untucked, tie askew, and the dark circles under his eyes were prominently visible as he carefully scrutinized Alistair's suit when he walked in.
"You dressed up for you lunch… date," Cullen said simply, schooling his features into an emotionless mask.
Alistair smiled carefully as he approached, handing Cullen the container. "I brought you some gnocchi from that little Italian place we like to go to; it has that pesto cream sauce you like so much." He looked down, smoothing down the front of his suit while Cullen moved it to the other side of the desk, barely sparing it a glance. "I dressed for you, actually. I was hoping you'd join us, but I understand that you're busy. This case-"
"You took Anders to our favorite restaurant?" Cullen interrupted.
"I… yes?" Alistair swallowed. "Dania said she'd never been and Sten wouldn't stop talking about their cannolis; you know how much he likes his sweets. I did invite you to join us."
Cullen closed his eyes and took a long steadying breath. "You did. I'm sorry. And... thank you." He looked up with a small, forced smile. "I like that suit on you."
Alistair smiled again and took a step forward. "Have you eaten yet?"
Cullen shook his head then ran his fingers through his hair. Alistair couldn't remember the last time he saw Cullen look this haunted.
"Can I…" Alistair took another step closer, his arms open low, but wide.
Cullen bit his lip looking like he was trying to make a decision.
Alistair waited patiently, perfectly still, then suddenly found himself with Cullen's body flush with his own - his head tucked into the crook of Alistair's neck, clinging to him like he were a lifeline. Wrapping his arms around Cullen, Alistair held onto him tightly. "Hey. I don't know what's got you so stressed, but whatever it is, we'll get through this, you do know that, right?"
Cullen nodded, then shook his head, holding on tighter. He didn't relax into the embrace like he normally would. But he was there in his arms, so Alistair would take it as a start.
"Please don't ever doubt how much I love you, okay?" asked Alistair quietly.
"I'm sorry. I'm tired… I'm so fucking tired. This case has me on edge and my nightmares certainly aren't helping. I know that's no excuse, but please just grant me a little extra patience until I can get my shit together." Cullen whispered almost to himself, "I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you."
Alistair lifted Cullen's chin and gently pressed their lips together. "Hey, none of that. I'm not going anywhere. Yes, I wish you'd talk to me, but I know you will in time. You have your process that you need to walk through. I'm ok knowing that you're talking to Dorian and not keeping it in. I will be here when you're ready. I am worried about you though; you're not getting enough sleep, you're probably not eating well, either. Maybe I should take a few days off so you can-"
"No! No, really, Al. It's ok. Rylen and I have worked out a plan for me to start working a later shift. Even if I can't sleep unless I'm with you, I won't have to wake up so early, so I'll get more rest than I have been."
Alistair smiled. "That's wonderful, love. I would still take time off for you though, I would do anything to help you get through this."
Alistair sighed when he felt Cullen's lips on his cheek. "I have to say, coming home last night and seeing you curled up with Kieran was pretty adorable. How'd he manage to get you to agree to a movie on a work night?"
Cullen shrugged. "It was my idea actually. He said he missed me and I just… I guess I needed some time with him as much as he needed time with me. Kieran is…" Cullen swallowed, thickly and seemed to change the direction of his thought. "He's so lucky to have you as his father."
"I'm not so sure about that." Alistair chuckled. " You're the father figure that helps him control his magic and the responsible one that makes sure he has everything he needs. I'm just there to annoy Morrigan and get him into trouble every chance I get."
"Don't sell yourself short; he's your son-your blood. If he woke up tomorrow and I wasn't able to be there, he'd still be able to manage without me."
Cullen wouldn't meet his eyes, no matter how Alistair tried to catch them. Threading his fingers through Cullen's curls, Alistair kissed him on the forehead. "Hey, we are his family, blood or not. And yes, the girls managed to help him for the six months we were gone, but no one can take care of him the way you can. He needs you. I need you. What's going on, sweetheart? Why are you talking this way?"
Cullen pulled away, his eyes closed, shoulders slumped in defeat. "It doesn't matter. It won't matter soon enough."
"Cullen? Hey, you're starting to scare me. What do you know that you're not sharing-"
Before he could finish, there was a knock on the door and Anders poked their head in with a bashful grin. "Hey, um… Rylen said that if all was quiet, it was safe for me to just come on in."
Cullen quickly moved out of Alistair's space, putting the desk between him and Anders.
With one last look at Cullen, Alistair sighed and turned toward Anders. "It's ok, Andy. Come on in. I guess now's as good a time as any." From the corner of his eye, he saw Cullen shift uncomfortably. "Anders Thekla, I have the distinct pleasure of introducing you to Cullen Rutherford. Sweetheart," Alistair said pointedly. "This is Andy."
Anders stepped forward, a huge smile on his face. "It's an honor and a privilege to meet you, Commander Rutherford. I've followed your impressive career for several years. The way you left the chantry; throwing their propaganda back in their face while maintaining your rank and dignity was… well, it was truly inspiring! And when Ali told me that we'd all be working together, I couldn't help but jump at the chance. I mean, to get to work side-by-side fighting the injustices of the world and finally putting the Mac Tirs in their place." Anders took a breath. "Well, it's the stuff dreams are made of. This is why we do what we do, isn't it? To help those who can't help themse-"
"Mx. Thekla." Cullen cut them off, giving Anders' hand a perfunctory shake, then pulling his hand back quickly, clenching it in a fist. "Thank you for coming so quickly when Mr . Theirin called. I trust you've been brought up to speed?"
Alistair took a step back, feeling like he'd been hit. The way Cullen said his name - the family name he knew Alistair didn't like to use - felt like it was purposeful, but he couldn't figure out what point he could be trying to make with it.
Anders blinked, looking back and forth between Alistair's shocked expression and Cullen's impassive one. "I uh.. Yes, sir. I have. Your lieutenant was very well prepared in showing me the documents relating to this case. He even managed to get ahold of the hospital records, though he says he's having some trouble tracking down the cab driver that found Dania the first time."
Cullen folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair leveling a glare at Anders. "Did my lieutenant also inform you of the trouble we've been having locating Nick Mac Tir?"
"Yes, sir." Anders answered. "He said that the city isn't big enough for him to hide forever, though."
Cullen nodded. "I have every confidence in my team. We will have him soon. He's going to slip up, and when he does, he will be brought in."
Alistair watched as Cullen closed himself off further. It was worse than he was expecting. He'd seen Cullen all business before, but he was being condescending and rude, which was shockingly unlike him - very unprofessional. Alistair sighed. He hoped that Cullen would have been a little more receptive to Anders.
"Did you have something to add, Mr. Theirin ?" Cullen finally looked him in the eye and Alistair really didn't like what he was seeing.
"Mr. Their-?" Alistair sputtered. "Cullen, I'm a little concerned about-"
"If it's not pertaining to the case at hand, I suggest you hold your thoughts for later." They locked eyes, neither willing to budge.
Anders cleared their throat. "I um… You seem to be very confident in your team. That's admirable"
"I am. They've earned my confidence."
Alistair frowned at the insinuation. He thought he had Cullen's confidence too, but apparently not.
"I'm sure they have." Anders smiled, positivity seemingly unflappable. "It's good to be able to trust those that you work with. When Al and I were in the field, there was no one else I'd trust more to have at my back."
"So I've heard."
"You have? Really?" Anders face lit up with excitement. "Did Alistair tell you about the time that we-"
Cullen's already-rigid posture stiffened further. "If that is all that you have regarding the case, I suggest you take your… reminiscing... elsewhere. I have work to do."
Alistair looked hard at Cullen. "Andy, can you give us a few minutes alone, please?"
Anders looked nervously between Alistair and Cullen. "Sure, Al. Whatever you need." Then turned to Cullen. "Look, before I-
"Anders," Alistair snapped, then remembering himself, he said softer, "I'll be with you in just a second… okay?"
With a quick bob of their head, Anders left, the soft click of the door the only sound.
Alistair looked hard at Cullen. "Well, that had to have been the most mortifying experience of my life."
"Al—" Cullen stood up from the desk, his head bowed.
"No, Cullen. You don't get to chime in right now, because you've already said enough. You've made it perfectly clear that you don't trust me. I can't believe you'd treat my friends so terribly; it really shows what I mean to you…" He exhaled audibly, steeling himself. "I need some time to think about everything that's happened today; everything that's happened in the last week, month, hell — it feels like nothing's solid now… I'm not even sure what's true..." Alistair ran his fingers through his hair tugging hard on the short strands on top. He growled, then turned and headed toward the door. At the last moment he looked over his shoulder, "I'd like it if you found someplace else to sleep tonight. All of that hurt , Cullen. Anders didn't didn't deserve it and neither did I."
Cullen sighed, collapsing back into his chair, into himself. "I could stay at the loft."
"Andy's staying at the loft; find someplace else." And with that, Alistair walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
End Notes:
Thank you for your overwhelming support and love!
It means so much to me.
