With a heavy sigh, Stephanie rolled her neck from side to side in an attempt to alleviate the soreness. Today had been far from perfect.
Hunter was still barely speaking to her and to make matters worse, her father made her work overtime. She was salaried, so she supposed it wasn't overtime exactly...more like just giving her a list of things he wanted done before she left, that'd cause her to go home later than her usual time. Four hours later than her usual, to be exact.
And once she was off, naturally there just had to be all possible manner of fuckery holding up street and freeway traffic. Currently, it was after nine and she knew her kids would be sleeping. So much for spending time with her little family tonight. Now she was left only to interact - alone - with the man who helped her create said family. The man she loved more than she could have ever imagined. The man she'd had an instant, undeniable chemistry with from the moment they met. The man she'd built her life with.
The man who had slept on the couch last night, despite the locks to the front door being changed earlier in the day.
Hell, he'd basically been avoiding her ever since their argument. That's why she'd looked forward to tonight...he couldn't outright check out on her while the kids were present. But now that safety net was broken, thanks to work and traffic.
"Great," she muttered lowly, entering the house through the kitchen door. She wasn't sure if she was surprised or not, to find the area dark and empty. It was another sign that she was still in the doghouse where it concerned her husband. Normally, if Hunter knew she'd be late getting in, not only would he check on her to make sure she was okay, but he'd also leave a light on so that she wouldn't go tripping into counters and whatnot. The absence of both of those actions spoke volumes.
She passed by the living room, seeing no sign of him there. It was on the grand, spiraling staircase that she finally spotted him, pillow and covers in hand. They both stopped where they were and gazed at each other, clearly uncomfortable. Stephanie mustered up what little optimism she had left and began heading up the stairs. "Hi!" She said brightly as they met each other on the midway landing of the staircase. She leaned forward in an attempt to peck him on the lips but Hunter turned his head, making her kiss land along his jaw instead.
"Hey," he greeted neutrally.
Well, she had planned to ask about his day and basically be sweet and romantic to try to get him to open up a little. But now her feelings were further hurt from his rejection, on top of her already being completely exhausted physically and mentally. "You're sleeping downstairs again?" She asked, gesturing to the evidence right in front of her.
Hunter shrugged. "Why ask a question you know the answer to?"
"Maybe because I want a different answer?" She tried.
"You can't always have what you want, Princess," he told her curtly. He resumed his descent of the stairs, intending to effectively end their brief conversation.
Stephanie stayed put for a few moments, hands on her hips. She knew she had a lot of making up to do...she'd known that well before he found out what she'd kept from him. But how the hell was she supposed to do that when he wouldn't even give her a chance?
Hunter's bare feet slapped against the marble floor as he reached the end of the stairs and padded his way over to the couch. He threw down the stuff in his hands.
To hell with it, Stephanie decided. Things certainly couldn't get any worse, so she turned around and followed him into the living room. "This is crazy, Hunter! How long do you plan to sleep down here?"
"Don't know," he answered.
What, were they simply going to be roommates now? Was their usual way of sharing life together, totally out of the question now? "You do realize that talking is the only way we're gonna fix what's wrong between us, right?"
Silence.
God, talking to him was like talking to a brick wall sometimes. She just got home and was already getting frustrated at his lack of response to her. He continued to arrange his covers and ignore her while she began to simmer with anger, behind him. Wedging herself between him and the couch, she grabbed his arms to still his movements. "Hunter, talk to me!" She bit out irritably. When she got nothing out of him, she breathed deeply to calm down. She lowered her voice and tried a different approach. "I know that what I did...or didn't do was wrong. Okay? I know that. So...hog the covers in bed, yell at me...or...or something. Just don't shut down on me. Please?"
Hunter stared behind her, at the front door. Talk to her? He was finding it difficult to even be in the same room as her. And it wasn't because she smelled delightful and looked beautiful as always. It certainly wasn't because he was resisting his natural urge to try to make her feel better. It was because he had never felt so...betrayed by any one person in his entire life. And given his history that was truly saying something.
"Look at me," She commanded, grabbing his chin, the surprise of her action actually forcing his eyes to connect with hers. Pensive blue eyes scanned hazel ones, noting obvious annoyance…but also sadness. Sadness that she was more than likely responsible for, unfortunately.
"Look at you? Talk to you?" Hunter asked. "Stephanie, I honestly want to stay at a hotel. The only," he said with much emphasis, "reason I'm here is because of the kids. I don't want them to freak out over something we may eventually move past."
"Something we may move past?" She repeated for clarity. Although she was certain she'd heard him just fine. "You have doubts?"
Taking a step back from her, Hunter rubbed his hands over his face. He didn't want to talk about this tonight. But it was obvious neither of them would be getting any sleep until it was all out there. That had more to do with his wife's preferences, rather than his. What he wanted didn't matter because here she was, literally blocking him from getting settled for the night. "You're the only person that knows about the hell I've been through in my life. You're the only person I trusted enough to tell...I've given you everything I can think of, everything I have and it just...doesn't mean anything to you, Stephanie," he concluded, throwing an arm out to the side.
"It does! Hunter, everything you've done means the world to me, I promise you! I'm...I'm sorry I've made mistakes and-"
"Mistakes?" He interrupted with a bitter laugh. "You made decisions. You thought about every single thing you did, beforehand. With the pills, with Howard, you thought about whether or not to tell me the truth and you chose not to."
"But I'm sorry!"
Hunter held out a hand to keep her from continuing to plead her apologies. Quite frankly, what was the point of letting her go on? Clearly her apologies were insincere. That or she just had an inability to change her ways or see things from his perspective. He wasn't sure which one it was to be quite honest. "Steph, when you got that cut," he began, gesturing towards the scar Andrew had made on her skin six years ago, "you let it heal. You didn't pick at it and stuff. Did you?"
"No, I didn't," she confirmed. Furrowing her eyebrow, she thought about the metaphor that he was trying to get at. That her omissions had cut him and only time would heal the wounds? "So you're saying I should just leave you alone for a bit...that that'll fix things?"
Ignoring her question for a moment, he continued with, "And I didn't poke your cut with a knife, say sorry and then do the shit again...You know my weaknesses, things I struggle with, things that still haunt me... And yet you keep doing things to make it worse."
Shit, she thought, feeling more anxiety wash over her. "I don't mean to..."
"But you do! Steph, you don't seem to understand that the things you do hurt me," he theorized out loud. And it wasn't a completely unfounded theory. During their separation six years ago, a large part of why they had so much difficulty getting back to normal was that Stephanie had no idea he'd been hurting also. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind. Maybe that hadn't changed very much, even after all of this time together. He didn't quite see how she could go back to the assumption that he never felt pain where she was concerned. Maybe she was just incapable of seeing beyond her own feelings. "You don't trust or rely on me for anything and clearly I can't trust you to be honest."
"Hunter I'm sorry! Okay? I'm sorry that I hurt you. Again," she added. "I really don't mean to...but what are you even talking about that I don't rely on you for anything? I count on you for lots of stuff...I mean...love, support, comfort, helping to raise our children right. I can go on all night if you want..."
"You say that...but I don't feel it. I never have, Steph," he admitted. It seemed silly to trudge up old, minor situations where these feelings came up. So he'd go with the most recent and – if you asked him – most glaring example. "I mean the way you just kicked me out of your life, our kids' lives when you thought I cheated on you? You were perfectly fine doing everything alone; I had to take the initiative to be able to be involved."
"Is…is that what you thought?" She asked in partial disbelief. "That I was just..." She waved her hands around randomly, looking for a description, "goddamn Wonder Woman or something?"
At his shrug, she realized that's exactly what he thought. And well, maybe her behavior hadn't provided him with any alternative reasons for her cutting him off. She'd fix that in the next few moments, she was certain. Truth be told, she was hardly functional during their separation. Maybe that was pathetic, but it was a fact.
"When you said you loved me, right before you left? I said it back, after you'd gone out. I sprinted down the damn stairs just in time for your truck to pass by and I said it then," she admitted. "I…I cried until my eyes hurt, drank myself into wine-oblivion and passed out on the couch. Okay?"
Hunter's eyes widened the slightest bit but he didn't say anything because it didn't look like she was finished just yet.
"Jack – our six year old son, woke me the next morning because I forgot I was gonna have to take the kids to school. By the time he got me up, he and the twins were ready to go. They were dressed, fed and everything. All I did was drive. And I barely did that right because I was a hungover mess. Jack was late…the twins were on time but their teacher and the entire class seemed to know I was breaking down. It was...it was horrible, those first couple of days with you gone. It got better when you called to help out but then it was even more difficult emotionally, being around you but not really being with you. I kept my distance and tried to go it alone because you'd hurt me."
He was still stunned at what she'd gone through during their separation…how she'd kept up this façade of being calm, collected and in control when she obviously was the opposite. But at her accusation of hurt, he opened his mouth, prepared to defend himself…because he hadn't done a damn thing to her.
Anticipating his interjection, Stephanie grabbed his hands and squeezed them reassuringly. "I know I did it to myself...I know now that it wasn't you that I saw...it was Howard. But I was hurt by you at the time, Hunter. Even if the whole thing did turn out to be a mix-up. It was easier for me to cut you off...and for our marriage and children, it was wrong, too. So...I don't know," she shrugged. "Go ahead and think I'm a coward, a weakling, an idiot, a drunk or whatever else...as long as you don't think I don't need you."
"You're not any of those things," he disagreed quickly. "Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"
Another shrug from her. "Shame?" She offered. "None of what I just said is gonna win me any awards for my relationship or mothering skills."
"I think you win by default…being the only real relationship I've had and the only mother the kids will ever have."
Despite the amused smile she cracked she still said, "That doesn't make me feel any better about it."
"So you screwed up? Big deal. I screw up, too. It's nothing to be ashamed about, to the point where you hide it from me entirely. I think that sharing our screw-ups will bring us closer. It's exhausting being married to perfection"
Taking his comment in an unintended direction just for kicks, she replied, "Well…we can't exactly give our good looks back," she pointed out. "But I agree. So from now on, you get the screwed up wife."
"Looking forward to it," he said genuinely, tracing the back of her hands with his thumbs.
Mildly awkward silence descended upon them in the moments following. This was a definite improvement from the last couple of days, actually, but they were certainly not one-hundred percent fine. Not just yet. She wasn't particularly upset about it…she hadn't set herself up for failure with the expectation that this one conversation would magically erase the problems they'd been dealing with. But it was a start and for tonight she was satisfied with that and wouldn't push for more. That might actually cause him to clam up on her again. "I know that you were heading to sleep soon," she began. "Honestly, I'm wiped out myself but we really did need to clear the air a bit."
"Can't argue with that."
She smiled gently at his agreement. "I realize that things are still…I don't know…"
"Tense?" He offered.
"Yeah, something like that. But it's better. Better than it has been for a couple of days, I think. Just so you know…your side of the bed is still totally vacant and waiting for you. I'm gonna head upstairs, but I'm not gonna pressure you to start sleeping with me again."
Hunter nodded, understanding that she was basically saying that he'd chosen to exile himself from their bedroom. This wasn't her choice and she didn't like it, but she accepted his decision. For now. "Appreciate it," he told her, pausing for a few moments while he reconsidered whether or not he'd be following her up. "Goodnight, Steph," he finally said.
Even though she'd verbally acknowledged the possibility that he'd still choose to sleep downstairs, he noticed the flash of hurt in her eyes before she blinked it away. Her hands slipped from his as she responded with a goodnight of her own.
That chapter was for the list of the usual, encouraging suspects! Thanks for the motivation! Sorry it's been forever since I've updated this (and anything else for that matter, lol). Also thanks to the new/anon reviewers...always nice to hear more feedback.
