Chapter 13: Waking Resolves

They found them like that, Eiji the only moving figure in the warehouse. Rei did not recall much: she remembered seeing Kanda, Lavi, Mira, remembered an ambulance, but that was it—the rest was an inconceivable blur. Perhaps it was for the better.

She wanted to sleep.


"…Is this normal?" said Allen anxiously.

"The sleeping?" said Dr. Wexler.

A unanimous nod.

"It's been a few days; the two of them have gone through a severely traumatizing experience. It's possible that in an effort to recover, both mentally and physically, their bodies are focusing on this repair completely and minimizing energy wasted otherwise. In other words, yes, this is a perfectly normal consequence."

"They're not in comas, are they?" said Lenalee.

"For Rei, it's not likely—she seemed to have suffered no head trauma. The wrist and ribs will take a while to mend and she will most likely be on crutches for some time. As for Tyki…it's hard to say. He took a severe beating and almost definitely is concussed; it is rather worrisome that he's sleeping, but given the circumstances, there was nothing to be done. He is being closely monitored though, and will have a few tests conducted after he wakes up to see if his brain is still in working order."

"No worries about that," said Kanda as Dr. Wexler left the room, "his brain was never in working order."

Lenalee hit him lightly.

"Seriously?" she said condescendingly. "He's injured! Mortally wounded! At least have the courtesy—"

"What courtesy," muttered Kanda, leaning against his chair and looking over at Rei's sleeping figure. "If he hadn't gone like an idiot, we would have been able to get her without any issues—"

"Tyki bought you nearly two hours when he was getting tortured," said Lenalee vehemently. "If he wasn't there—"

"I'm kidding, Lenalee," said Kanda dryly. "I get it. He saved Rei. I know."

"Jealous, Kanda?" said Lavi.

"Of looking like that?" he said, jerking a hand at the wall that Tyki's room was behind. "Yeah, he's a real looker—real jealous—"

"Kanda," seethed Lenalee.

Kanda shook his head and stood up.

"I'm going for a walk."

He left without another word. As the door slid closed, Lavi let out a sigh.

"Give him a break, Lenalee," he said. "There's no love lost between him and Mikk—of course he sounds utterly unrepentant."

"Any humanwithfeelings—"

"He doesn't mean it," said Allen wisely. "It's just the way he is—if anyone's worried, it's him, even if he doesn't sound like it. He can't help feeling like part of this is his fault, after everything that…uh…has come out…"

They looked anxiously at Rei, as if hoping she wouldn't wake up, before they continued the conversation in quieter undertones.

"So…what's going to happen to Rei's dad?" said Lenalee.

"Dunno," said Allen. "I mean…he killed someone."

"But it was for Rei and Tyki's protection."

"If you don't happen to remember, he also killed Kate," said Lavi coldly.

"But the police don't know that," said Lenalee, pained. "How are you going to prove it if—"

"Oh, no worries. If that bloody bastard doesn't turn himself in, I'll prove it—I'll be the one prosecuting him—"

"I just can't believe it," said Lenalee. "I don't get it either—Rei didn't have to leave…if she had just moved, or something, I don't even know. I just can't follow her logic."

"I think a part of her…" Allen paused, thinking, as if he wanted the words to come out precisely accurate. "I think a part of her just wanted to prove to herself that she could live alone. You know…not being what her dad made her…or what Mikk did, for that matter. She would've been fine with being a bodyguard, but to find out that the man who taught her everything ended up…well…killing someone close to her? It went against everything she knew about herself." Allen shrugged. "I think she realized it wasn't right, but she needed to try."

"Still…" Lavi let out a breath. "God, I hope they don't subpoena her to testify against her dad. It would just be better for her if they remain unaffiliated."

"We'll see when she wakes," said Lenalee worriedly.

"Optimistic people," said a voice behind them.

They looked at the entrance. Anita, Cross, and Mira entered, carrying with them the strong stench of Chinese takeout.

"Dinner, guys?" said Mira, holding up a giant stack of Styrofoam carry-out boxes.

"Yes," said Allen, his eyes gleaming. "Those are all mine, right?"

"Lesson learned," she shuddered. She had experienced the horror that was Allen's stomach the first night in the hospital when he had actually eaten less than he normally did, given the circumstances, but that "less" was still the equivalent of six people's dinners.

"We've got the rest," said Anita kindly, distributing them. "Where's Kanda?"

"Sulking," said Allen through a mouthful, already devouring half a box. "Hesh feering 'onreey."

"…What?" said Cross in utter disdain.

Allen immediately swallowed his food and cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter in the sight of Cross's unimpressed expression.

"He's feeling lonely," elucidated Allen.

"Why?" said Cross, scandalized. "There's all of you."

"But we're not her," said Lavi, pointing absentmindedly in Rei's direction.

"Subtle, Lavi," said Rei's voice wearily from behind them.

They all jumped a little in their seats as Rei sat up in her bed and cracked her neck.

"Rei!" said Allen, nearly spilling the remnants of his second box. "You're awake! How are you feeling?"

"…Tired," she replied, drawing up her knees and resting her head on them. "…Hurts."

"We better call a doctor," said Mira. She reached for a button on the side of the bed and pressed it. "They should be here soon—what's hurting?"

"…Everywhere…" Rei said, now somewhat white in the face.

"Lay back down," ordered Mira, easing Rei back on the pillows. "You've got a few broken bones and many, many bruises—you're going to have to take it easy."

"Where's Tyki?" said Rei, looking around.

"He's still sleeping."

"As in he hasn't woken up yet?" she said, alarmed.

"No, but the doctors say it's ok—"

"How long has it been?"

"…Four days."

"Is he okay?" said Rei, trying to sit up. Mira pushed her back down.

"He'll be fine…we think. You can't stress yourself—you've been traumatized, if you exacerbate your mental state, things could get much worse—"

"But he was hit—a lot—in the head," said Rei anxiously, "what if he's got a concussion?"

"Rei," said Anita firmly. "Lie down. Go back to sleep. Or eat. Either one—you need to rest. Worrying will not wake him up any faster. The doctors are doing what they can."

"Chinese?" offered Lenalee, holding up her plate.

"No, I'm…I'm good," said Rei weakly, "I'll get something later…" She looked around the room. "Have you all been here the entire time?"

"You don't get overnight visitors," said Lavi, "but we come for all visiting hours, which gives us a good amount of time with you two comatose people. Kanda's here too."

"Kanda?" she said. "Where is he?"

"Here." The door slid open again and Kanda waltzed in, looking slightly windswept as he strode over to her.

For some odd reason, an awkward silence followed. Maybe it was because Kanda looked nearly murderous, and Rei looked very guilty, and no one else knew what had happened between them.

"Look," said Rei, "I woke up when you weren't here, so that means that even when I'm sleeping, my body knows that it doesn't want to be around you—ow!"

Kanda had flicked his middle finger in a hard thwack against her forehead.

"That was for getting kidnapped," he deadpanned.

Another thwack.

"Kanda!" said Lenalee when Rei winced visibly again. "Would you stop being such a—"

"And that was for everything that happened before you got kidnapped," he said in a low voice, ignoring Lenalee completely.

The room grew still; the rest of them were listening keenly. Kanda did not give them anything more than that—he turned around and inclined his head towards the door.

"All of you," he said, "out."

A tumultuous response followed.

"You can't just kick us out like that—"

"She just woke up—if you do anything to upset her—"

"I want to know what happened—"

"Please," said Kanda stiffly.

The silence was instantaneous. Allen stared, agape, at the fact that the word "please" had come out of Kanda's mouth. Kanda looked morbidly bored and pointed at the door.

"Out."

"That's twice, man," said Lavi in awe. "So when it comes to Rei, you can be polite—"

"Do you want to die?" said Kanda murderously.

"Rei, you know that I've never heard him say please, ever—"

"Out."

Lavi sniggered but obliged, edging towards the door as the rest of them followed. Kanda waited for their footsteps to die away before he spoke.

"You look terrible, so I'll keep it short," he said. "What are you going to do?"

Rei looked at him, evidently exhausted. "…About what?"

"Us," said Kanda shortly. He paused, then jerked his head to the left at the adjourning room. "And him."

"…I just woke up, Kanda…" she sighed. When he said nothing, she just added, "…You're merciless."

He decided to explain himself. "I've booked a flight to Japan for next month."

Rei stared. "You're going back?"

"Not permanently. It's for business purposes, but I'll be there for a while." Kanda sat down in the chair that Lavi had vacated and crossed his arms. "I'll go ahead and say that you're not invited."

"…Wouldn't have ever assumed that."

"You're injured. You need to stay put for a while." He glared at her. "Which means no New York either."

She gave a cryptic smile. "…How's Tyki doing?"

Kanda's eyes flickered but he answered nonchalantly.

"He doesn't look good. His face was marked up badly." He did not elaborate, for the amount of color in Rei's face was nearing the negatives. "But he'll be fine."

There was a silence, one that Kanda did not bother to turn into an uncomfortable one.

"…Strange, isn't it?" she said quietly. "How our…crucial moments are always after…life-and-death situations?"

Kanda looked at her intently, thinking…a set of memories flashed by—after Kate's funeral that Cross had captured without their consent, then the one that had decided more than he would've thought, when he had chosen Lenalee over Rei in the hospital, and then…he nearly scoffed at the thought of the very first time Rei had proven her bodyguard capabilities to him, when he had known that he actually did care, and let her stay over at his house…how faint those memories were now, how stupid they had been, not knowing that their chance encounter would've led to this…

"…It's been a long time," he said finally.

Rei looked up at him, startled, for he had spoken in Japanese. It looked as if she didn't understand for a second, but then a nostalgia filled her face, and it seemed to relax her. When she replied, it was in her native language as well, but unlike Kanda's, which flowed smoothly and assertively, Rei's Japanese was stilted and hesitant, as if they were words unfamiliar to her, an entire world away.

"Perhaps not the actual amount of time…but we've gone through a lot together. I'll…I'll always be thankful for that. For you." She took in a deep breath. "You know…even if you'd offered for me to go back to Japan with you…I wouldn't have gone. Because Japan…" Rei stopped here; she looked like she was in pain, but not a physical kind of pain— "Ever since I left it, five years ago, I've never wanted to go back to Japan. I've never wanted to speak Japanese. Because to me…Japan represents a very childish me…one who knew nothing. Japan represents things for me that…that don't exist anymore." She smiled faintly. "The times when my only concern was getting into college. When Allen and I were best friends. Otou-san and me." Her eyes closed as she breathed in again. "You and me."

Kanda could not hold in the scoff this time. Rei smiled knowingly.

"But of course," she said, speaking in English again, "you knew this already."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I did. I knew it when you went to go talk to Mikk. I only accepted it when Mikk went to find you like the idiot he is. I accepted because…" Kanda looked at her steadfastly, his blue eyes piercing, "because I wouldn't have done the same thing."

Rei's smile grew gentler. "I know. But…I know it doesn't mean…you didn't care."

"Fuck, of course I cared," he said, nearly angry with himself. "I just didn't understand…why would he just go like that—it didn't help at all! He had plenty of time to wait—fuck, he didn't even help you, he just went there and got beaten up like an idiot—and yet—"

Rei placed a hand on his arm, halting his tirade.

"Kanda?" she said softly.

"I don't know…why," he snarled, "I don't know why it feels so fucking wrong that I know I wouldn't have done the same thing—"

"Kanda. It's…okay. It's okay. It…it wouldn't have changed anything. The outcome…my decision…to go to New York, it would've remained the same."

"Don't," said Kanda sharply. "Don't go back. You have no reason to—I know everything now, and what your bastard of a dad did doesn't make a fucking difference—"

"I'm going to go back, Kanda."

"Why?"

"Kanda, calm down."

"I don't—I can't fucking—"

He reached over and grabbed her roughly by the shoulder; he ignored her wince—he was too frustrated to care, too tired of waiting four days dealing with the possibility that either Mikk was just stupider or actually loved Rei in a way Kanda couldn't understand—he just brought his face close to hers to touch, to kiss, to remember—

But then he froze, just like that time after Kate's funeral, when the desire to kiss Rei had risen up so strongly that it had overwhelmed his sanity, but then at the very last second, it'd disappeared, leaving him…here, suspended, wanting and waiting but not acting, and he realized that he had known this for ages, had known for so long that the prospect of Rei and him was just a thing of the past, memories that no longer existed, a mutual but fruitless hope…

"Che." He let her go. "Do whatever you want."

He looked away from her, realizing the full awkwardness of what he'd just done; the action was undeniable, along with its implications. He wished Rei would stop looking at him with the same kind of knowingness that made him want to squirm—they'd reached their dead-end, but he didn't need the reminder.

"…Are you mad at me, Kanda?" The words sounded childish, even to him.

"…No," he sighed.

He reached up and brushed her cheek lightly, but then the door to their room opened, and Kanda immediately let his hand drop.

"Sorry for the intrusion," Dr. Wexler said in a clipped tone. "I just got the page that Rei was awake—I need to run some checks."

"Right," said Kanda, standing up to leave. "I'll get going—"

He felt her hand brush his, lingering in his curved fingers momentarily. He looked down at her unwillingly; he didn't know where he was going but only knew that the right direction was not towards her.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

Kanda gritted his teeth; he wanted to say something cruel, harsh, just to blow everything off and set them back to the stage where quarrels were eventually overcome in some way…

"It's nothing," he found himself saying with an exhale. "…I'm glad you're alive."

She smiled again. It looked strained.

"…I am too."


"What do you mean, she's not taking visitors?" said an incredulous Allen the next morning. "We just saw her yesterday!"

"I mean what I said, sir," said the head nurse.

Allen rounded on Kanda. "What did you say to her?"

Kanda shrugged, evidently unsurprised. "How's her condition?" he asked the nurse.

"She is stable; the tests run show proficient mental and physical function. She is to remain in the hospital for an undetermined amount of time, but other than that, she is in good shape."

"Good," said Kanda, turning to leave.

Lavi caught him by the shoulder.

"Mate…" said Lavi, "you really might want to give us an explanation for why Rei's not seeing anyone…"

"She needs time," deadpanned Kanda. "She woke up and all of us were just clamoring around her—after everything, it makes sense she wants to be alone, idiot."

"You sure it's not anything you said—"

"Shut up, Bookman," said Kanda lethally. "Let's go."


"You certain you don't want to see anyone?" said Dr. Wexler as he took her blood pressure.

"Mm."

"…Very well."


"Sir, she's not taking visitors."

"I'm her father."

"Even so…" The nurse hesitated. "She is of age. It is her right to remain alone if she wishes."

"She is my daughter. It doesn't mater if she's of age or not—she is my child."

"She is a legal adult."

"But—"

"I'm sorry," said the nurse firmly. "She's an adult. Her decision is final: she doesn't want to see anyone."


"Your father's been here to see you for the last few days," said Dr. Wexler.

"…Okay."

"He's worried."

"I'm fine."

"He wants to speak with you."

She changed the topic.

"Have Tyki's family been here?"

"…The Portuguese royal family is in uproar," said the doctor. "Their dealings with the Mafia and other illegal underground organizations have been revealed; despite it all, there at least has been one family member here everyday—they simply are choosing to respect your privacy."

"That's unlike them."

Wexler ignored this clear bitterness. "Family will always be family. They won't abandon him."

He let this settle in as he studied the monitors.

"Are you feeling well, Rei?" he said.

"Mm. Just tired."

"Try and rest constantly."

"…It's hard to fall asleep."

Wexler nodded understandingly.

"The experience was a huge stress—are you sure you don't need to speak with a psychologist?"

"I'm fine."

"…Are you sure you don't want to speak with your father?"

She didn't reply. Wexler looked sympathetic.

"Family will always be family," he said again.

She nodded. "I know."


The wall that separated her and Tyki was one of those items that ceaselessly drew her attention to it. When she was resting, she stared at it; when she was aching from the lack of movement, she would walk around the room, watching it all the while, and then in moments of weakness, late at night and when no one else was around, she would step out of her room and just hover in the hallway. Thinking of what it would be like to go next door and see how he was, hope that he was awake…

She envisioned the scenario countless times—she'd walk over, knock on the door, the low "Come in," and then Tyki would be there, sitting up, awake, normal, alive, and things would just be fine…

But she never did manage to walk over. She only stayed there, one foot out the door and heart on the edge, before her will gave way and she returned to the bed to lie down and ponder.

Pondering was all she did, honestly. When she kept the T.V. off and any visitors out, Rei found herself strikingly alone and pensive. Her exchange with Kanda had been the last bit of communication she'd had with the world outside of the hospital for the past few days; she had needed nothing more because that was it—Kanda and her resolution. Shaky, unfulfilling, lingering question marks, but it was a resolution. They weren't just meant to happen. They hadn't been meant to happen since the very first hospital resolution.

But just because she knew this didn't make her feel any more satisfied. When she'd told Kanda that she would go back to New York after all loose ends were tied together, she had expected a much more self-fulfilled sensation; but it wasn't. It left her empty, aching, wanting. The last month of her and Kanda as an item was hard to undo, but they had both known, before anything else had happened, that it would come to this.

She lied there, now, her head resting on her pillow as she ignored the perpetual dulled pain that made her body lethargic and numb. She tried to sleep, given that it was the only thing she could do in her position, but sleep would never come to her like it used it. The insomnia was a reminder of her condition when she'd first arrived in New York, exhausted but unable to sleep for fear that she would be found again. Likewise, she could not sleep now no matter how much her body screamed for it; she found Tyki's still body in the next room more than simply alarming, nor could she shake off the image when she'd first found him with Leverrier, beaten and broken. The prospect of death was never far away, and it was one she refused to let herself forget.

The door slid open without preamble. Rei did not bother to look up; she knew who to expect.

"…Rei?" said Eiji.

The sound of her father's voice made her insides squirm with intense dislike and indignation, but she sat up to face him regardless. Her father had come alone, thankfully, and she inclined her head towards a seat tucked into the corner of the room.

Eiji dragged the seat next to her bedside and sat down in it. They left a few seconds quiet to study each other, Rei his aged wrinkles, Eiji her scars.

"Hi," she said finally, her voice scratchy.

"…How are you feeling?" said Eiji surprisingly gently. They were back speaking Japanese.

"I'm okay," she said tonelessly. She never found it necessary to remember the insomnia when she replied to the inquiry of her wellbeing.

They fell into silence. Rei shifted her weight so that the pain in her ribcage lessened; noticing her discomfort, Eiji eased her back down to the pillows, his expression concerned.

"Don't push yourself," he said. "The doctors say you have a fair amount of broken bones."

"I'm okay," she repeated. "Look, I…" She caught herself, turned the words over in her head one more time, before she spoke again. "I want to know…what you're going to do. That's the only reason I wanted to see you."

Eiji chuckled wearily. "I've had enough of this…what you want. I've been told for the last few days that you're an adult, and therefore you control what happens to you. You are my child—as a father, I will always have some say in what happens to you—"

"No."

The word rang firmly, as resolutely as she could manage. Eiji looked at her in surprise.

"I'm twenty-two," she said quietly. "I can control what happens to me, by myself. I would let you have some say if whatever you did was actually beneficial. And it's not. Your way of…control…I don't agree with."

"…It was for your protection—"

"Please," she said, the edges of sharpness creeping early into the conversation. She had intended to control her tone, to get her point across in a clear and concise manner, but it was not possible—any mention of Eiji's miserable and dangerous attempts to secure her protection only infuriated her. She did not need any reminder of why Tyki was still lying comatose in the next room.

"I don't need to hear why you think killing people is necessary for my protection," she said coldly.

Eiji did not reply.

"I left four years ago because of what you did to Kate," continued Rei. "No matter if it was you or Leverrier who actually did it. Your intention was the same. I left because I couldn't turn you in. Because…because in the end, no matter how much I wanted to hate you…you're my dad. And I couldn't do that. So I left. Thought that maybe…maybe I could change myself…sort of…reject everything you wanted me to be." She scoffed. "That didn't work. Turns out I want to be your daughter more than I thought."

She stopped here, exhausted and expended. Eiji let her words hover briefly before he spoke.

"What do you want me to do, Rei?" he asked quietly.

She turned to him. "…I want Kate to rest in peace, Otou-san. I want Lavi to have peace of mind. "

He was still for a moment, but then much to her relief, he nodded slowly.

"I understand," was all he said.

Rei bared a minimal smile. "Thank you."

The muscles in his face relaxed slightly at her response, but then tensed up again as he spoke up cautiously.

"…Yet I have a request as well."

Her smile melted to wariness, but Eiji shook his head at her expression.

"It is nothing ridiculous, Rei. It is something that I'm quite certain you have thought of yourself." Eiji sighed and rubbed his temples. "It is about Tyki Mikk."

"…What about him?"

"I want you to leave him. Permanently."

In response to Rei's wordless stare, Eiji elaborated.

"This is the last thing…I want to ask you to do. For your own wellbeing. As your father, I see things more objectively than you do. I don't know if you've been watching the news, but the Noah family is going through a hard time—Tyki Mikk is not excluded. His substance abuse and reckless behavior have been magnified thoroughly in light of what happened; he needs to go to a rehabilitation facility."

"I know," said Rei simply.

"That is not all, Rei. Lulu loves him deeply."

"…What?"

"Our marriage is a little complicated," said Eiji. "I could never quite shake off the feeling that she felt something peculiar for Tyki Mikk; considering that I cannot quite forget your mother either, I realized that we were both on the same page in our marriage. Mutual respect."

"Then why did you join the Noah in the first place?" said Rei. "Why did you even bother abandoning me back in high school—"

"Because joining the Noah family was something your mother always wanted, but I always refused to do," said Eiji heavily. "Our relationship was odd. I was with the yakuza—she was with the Noah. When we began our marriage, we had to choose which side to take, which to renounce. Your mother was very fond of Cyril Kamelot, and he of her."

"…Please do not tell me that she and Cyril Kamelot—"

"It was nothing of the sort," said Eiji. "Your mother was an orphan. To her, the Noah was like family, one that she desperately wanted to keep. I, however, refused. I held allegiances to the yakuza that I didn't want to give up. By that time, she was already pregnant with you—it was either leave the Noah and retain the family for her child that she believed you deserved, or remain with the Noah and raise you alone. She chose the former. Sadly enough…when there was a change in power…and Natsuno Kenji was disposed of, Leverrier did not find it wise to keep a family that was so closely affiliated with the Noah. He organized your mother's murder—what was meant to be our entire family's murder—and it was then that I quit. I re-established connections with the Noah. And when I believed you to be an excellent independent bodyguard…I began to push things forward."

"Things obviously did not play out the way I'd intended for them to be," he continued. "I never anticipated for you and Kanda to meet. For you to start caring for him. You should never have met him. If you hadn't…nothing so terrible would have happened. You would've never been in the modeling world; you would remained pure, a bodyguard to the last, a—"

"Meeting Kanda," said Rei very quietly, "was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Eiji looked positively alarmed at this. Rei went on in the same quiet, resolute tone.

"Meeting him was the catalyst into the very happiest moments of my life," she said. "Meeting him meant that I met so many of the other people in my life who have made it so much fuller. I've thought before about…how much I would've liked it had I not met him…but when I really think about it, I just can't imagine how…I could change it. I don't regret meeting him. Loving him, either. It's just…the way it is."

"Then if you feel that way, stay with Kanda," said Eiji. "Let go of Tyki Mikk—let him return to recovery and then to his family, to where he belongs. Let yourself return to a safety that…that you belong to. A happiness. One that he can never give you."

"I don't…happiness and safety aren't what I want."

"…Rei," said Eiji urgently.

"I've thought about my own happiness and safety too much," she said. "And I've realized that…they never lead me where I want. Sometimes…I…" She paused. "It's always been a compromise with Tyki. Give a little, take a little. We always have to meet halfway. But to me…that halfway point is more fulfilling than one hundred percent of my own happiness. And that's all I want. Fulfillment."

"But it's not what is best for you—"

"And I think I'm okay with that," said Rei gently. "Some people might see it as…self-destructive. But it's not. It's what I want. If he wants it, too."

"Rei, I don't want you to have anything to do with the Noah family any longer. I want you to be far removed from them, but Tyki will not leave them. And if he will not leave them, they will not leave you. You will never be fully safe—how can I be at peace with that?"

"You won't," said Rei. "I won't be at peace, either. With Tyki, I'll never be at wholly at peace. It's just…something I've come to accept. Something you should too."

"And you are going to accept that half-hearted peace?" said Eiji sternly.

"I don't think it'll be half-hearted," said Rei. "I think it will fulfill me like nothing else can. That's the point…because that's what I want."

Eiji let out a long breath. "…I see."

He seemed to be debating, whether or not he wanted to continue arguing, but his gaze met Rei's and he merely offered a tired, knowing smile. He pushed back his chair and stood up.

"You look exhausted," said Eiji. "Try to rest easy."

He reached over hesitantly, his hand lingering over her head before it rested with a soft pat.

"I will," she said.

A silence. Eiji punctured it by clearing his throat.

"Goodbye, Rei."

"…Bye, Otou-san."

Another pat, and then his profile passed her towards the door. The shoulders she used to sit on looked just as strong as she remembered them to be.

The door clacked shut, and then the childhood evaporated, and she realized that no resolution left her with the satisfaction she was trying to find.


"…Where's mine?"

"Allen ate it."

"HE ORDERED EIGHT DIFFERENT PLATTERS—HOW DID HE JUST EAT MINE—"

"He thought yours looked good and thought he would just try some—you know him, a bite to him is a meal to others—"

"The fuck, beansprout—"

"What, just order another one, it's not like you don't have money or something."

"Where the fuck does all the food go—don't answer, dumbass, it was a rhetorical question—go fucking order me another—"

"Shut up, guys."

"Then you get it, Bookman—"

"No, seriously, shut up, Rei's dad's on T.V."

They looked at the screen in dead silence.

"Breaking news, father of Rei Matsumomo and husband of Lulubell Kamelot, princess of Portugal, has just turned himself in for being a causal factor to the mysterious crash that resulted in the tragic death of supermodel Kate Schrödlich four and a half years ago. Coupled with the recent allegations of underground dealings with the Spanish Mafia and Japanese yakuza, the Noah royal family is facing considerable turmoil. In addition, with no news of Tyki Mikk waking up after the horrific kidnapping incident, it is unlikely that these series of events will be helping the family in any manner. Rei Matsumomo is still currently in the hospital—no news has been revealed otherwise."

"…He turned himself in."

"Wonder if Rei made him do it—Lavi? Lavi!"

"Just getting a breath of fresh air, mates, continue eating."

"You okay?"

"Fine."

"…Need anything?"

"Man, Kanda, you sure are sentimental lately—"

"Stow it, rabbit."

"I'm fine, guys. Just need some time alone."


He couldn't remember where he was. Why he was there.

Beeping machines. Strong pungent smell of disinfectant. White. Scratching sheets. Pain. His head, chest. His body was stiff. He moved his fingers. Nothing wrong. Hand. Arm. Pain. He took in a deep breath, and his head exploded with an indignant throbbing; he gritted his teeth and screwed his eyes closed; breathe, slowly, deeply.

The pain subsided into a constant throb, one that was not comfortable but at least manageable. He opened his eyes again.

He knew he was in a hospital, but why…

A series of events flashed before him. Ah, that's right, there was a kidnapping, he'd gone to play the hero…who had he gone to save? Why, anyway?

His head hurt.

And he knew. Rei was safe.

Tyki sat up—at least, he tried. The pain that renewed in his head was excruciating; he leaned back on the pillows, panting, breathing harshly, and with the pain in his head came pain from his torso, lower body, actually, everywhere; fuck, he had never hurt so badly before…

He felt the extreme desire to shower though—something told him that he had been lying in that bed for God-knew-how-long.

He struggled to sit up again, ignoring the pain and stumbling off the bed into a small, adjoining room. It was a bathroom; at the end of it was another door that led elsewhere, but Tyki had no inclination to see beyond it because his face was fixated on mirror. Only at the sight of his reflection did he realize that he had bandages covering his face; the discomfort renewed at the realization and he haphazardly tore the bandages off. It did not help his headache any but it was tolerable. With a casual toss, the bandages fell into the trashcan nearby, and Tyki studied his reflection again.

God, he was a mess. Bruises did more than speckle his face; he could swear that his jaw was broken, but maybe not, because he was not in headgear; but all the same, he could not stare at his reflection for too long without wincing. It was a change—after so long of narcissistically studying his beautiful face in the mirror, the reaction of revulsion was unknown to him, yet he could not help it. The lacerations winding from his cheekbone to his chin were obvious, raw and still unhealed. His eyes were hardly visibly in light of the swelling and the bruises had gone so far as to discolor his skin—

He did not need much longer to feel disgusted with himself. He turned to the shower and twisted the knob, thinking. Seeing only made the pain even more present, but the shock was also starting to numb him. He was…deformed? Disfigured? What was the right word? And truthfully, did it really matter?

The hot water was soothing and relaxing, but the process of showering itself was difficult. He moved gingerly around, soon realizing that he was unable to stand for extended periods of time on his own. The shower lasted barely five minutes, and yet when he was finished, he was fatigued. The pain had grown immensely in the time span, and as he was dressing, he was starting to see black spots.

There was a knock on the door that the bathroom led out of. Tyki stared in silence.

And then,

"Tyki?"

It was Rei. Tyki did not verbally respond; he limped over to the door, and as the doorknob began to twist and the door began to open, he grabbed it and pulled it shut.

He wasn't sure why the reaction had been so automatic.

He just didn't want to see her.

There was a silence so long that he thought he must've just imagined the door opening, but the Rei spoke again.

"Is that you, at least?" she said.

"…Yes," he breathed.

"…Did you just wake up?"

"…Yes."

A pause.

"How are you feeling?"

He grimaced. "In pain."

"…Are you okay?"

"Yes…no…it's just…" He took in a deep breath. "Now isn't the best time."

"…I understand."

He didn't reply; he could not deny the bits of antagonism he felt, but he was lucid enough not to lash out at her. He was being petty. It was just his face. Did it matter so much? It was not like she had been the one to carve out his face anyway—he closed his eyes. No, she was worth it—she had always been worth it.

"…Can I…" he heard her say hesitantly, "can I just say a few things?"

"Since when did you ever ask for permission?" he said, leaning heavily on the door.

A very weak laugh. "Never. I guess."

She did not continue. He could tell that she was holding herself back and realized that he'd always hated it when she found it necessary to restrain herself around him; he had been the only one able to handle all of her, the outbursts and the pent-up frustrations, the pleasure and an unconquerable pain. She had no reason to hold herself back—she was not the Rei he wanted if she did.

"Go on," he said curtly.

"I…I just wanted to say…thank you. For coming to get me."

This was not what he had been expecting, and this reminder of his apparent stupidity only annoyed him further.

"…Fat load of help I was—"

"No, you don't get it. I…no matter how much I told myself that it was stupid, that you shouldn't come…I was sitting there wanting so badly that you would. Like a…the…selfish idiot I am. Just waiting. And…so…thank you…for doing that, especially with…how I left you before that."

Tyki did not answer. He was not especially thankful of how she'd left him before everything had happened either.

"I also wanted…to say some things that I should have said a long time ago. A lot of…apologies. I'm sorry for what I'd said…before the whole…incident. For blaming you for things that I…that I really should've explained. I'm sorry for…for not trusting you this time around. I'm sorry for not telling you about what happened with Kate, right when I came back." She inhaled a shaky breath, clearly trying to keep her composure. "I'm sorry for saying that I couldn't trust you. I'm sorry for not trusting you. Now, or then."

"Rei."

She was quickly escalating out of control. He did not need to hear the rest.

"More than anything…I…I'm sorry for what happened four years ago—I'm sorry for leaving you like that when I should have stayed—"

"Rei."

"I'm sorry for not trusting you back when you trusted me the most, I'm sorry for thinking that you couldn't give me the happiness and the peace of mind that I wanted because I've realized that for the last four years of my life, I've been the most fucking miserable person on the planet, and I'm sorry for coming back and thinking that in the end I could just come back and fix every fucking mistake that I've ever made—"

He opened the door abruptly, revealing Rei who was swallowed up by her hospital gown; she quickly turned away and brought her hands up to her face to brush her cheeks.

"You said you didn't want to see me—shut the fucking door—I don't want to see you either right now—"

"Rei," he said wearily.

She finally looked at him seriously, for the first time; her eyes immediately widened from behind her cage of fingers at the sight of his face. She stepped forward, no longer conscious of the tears smeared against the corners of her eyes, and, shaking, brought a hand up to his cheek.

"Don't touch," he said with a bit more harshness than he should have.

Rei immediately retracted her hand, but he caught it before she could retreat completely.

"It just hurts," he said grimly. "I don't mean it personally."

"I'm sorry," she said, "I've been just…saying stupid things, go to sleep—you need to rest—"

"It wasn't stupid," he said. "I needed to hear it…at least part of it."

Rei fell silent. Tyki let out a breath, and unconsciously, his fingers curled between hers in the familiar pattern of tan between pale. She did not respond; her gaze was only fixated on his face. He could see her expression twist.

"You shouldn't have come," she said shakily.

"We both know that I would've come even if the chances of saving you were zero percent—"

"Your face—"

"Really, what's its value anyway—"

"I can't sleep!" she said, her voice rising. She refused to meet his gaze. "I can't sleep—do you know what I think about when I close my eyes? I think—I think—I see you there! I see you like how I did when I first stepped into that room and saw you and I can't get it out of my head—I keep thinking that if I sleep, I'm never going to see you wake up, I think about what happened and what if you just never woke up again, what if you woke up and forgot everything, what if you weren't the same anymore, and I just can't sleep because I can't stand that I wanted you to come so badly because all I wanted to know was that you still loved me no matter how much shit I did to you—"

Every action he did was automatic—nothing ever processed the way it should have, for he didn't think a split second about how much pain he would feel when he kissed her. It hurt—like hell—but he did not stop. His body was exhausted beyond belief, but there was always enough energy for this, for the satiation of the fantasy that he'd had for so long, for this final fulfillment of a perpetual ache he could never be rid of. Rei did not even resist—she leaned against him, and for once, she had more strength than he—she returned the kiss with an urgency that he had not expected. He tried to control, to lead, but he found himself being pushed against the doorframe as Rei attacked him with every part of her body. He could feel her cheeks brushing against his, could feel the tears, could feel her lips against his bruised ones, her heart through the hospital gown and nothing more—

Her hand curled tenderly up his neck, touching him lightly and carefully. The other that was resting on his chest gradually began to make its way down, under the cloth and grazing over his skin—the kisses were numbing and while the pain did not subsist, it was trumped by a desperate yearning and pleasure. His arms encircled her waist and pulled her up, pressing her body tightly against his, feeling every contour, her arms, her legs, waist, breasts, wildly pumping heart; he wanted to touch the skin, wanted the sensation of being pressed so tightly together that it felt like their bodies were morphing into each other's. She began to shift her hips against his; it was all a little too provocative, a little too soon and a little too surprising for him to control the obvious physical reaction that ensued. It was only too clear where this was all going, and he broke apart from her and, still supporting her as best as he could, spoke.

"I don't know if I can…" He gritted his teeth, "make it through the entire thing."

"…Right…" said Rei softly.

He felt the need to explain himself—it sounded like he was disappointing her or the like.

"I'm in a lot of pain," he said plainly. "And…you…you look hurt, too, and I just don't think it's the best…"

Rei's expression had slowly been migrating from one of resignation to one of humored appraisal, and he knew that neither of them believed a single word of restraint that he was voicing. He stopped speaking and kissed her with so much force that she gasped in surprise and then just pushed her into her room, struggling and aiming for the bed while undressing her as fast as he could.

His head throbbed. It was going to hurt like hell.


It was easily the most painful and quite possibly the worst sex he'd ever had. Every action was laborious and while the performance itself was not too bad, the shuffling and balancing act on the tiny hospital bed hampered his movement and strained his intent. While it was obvious Rei was trying to help him and was also much more experienced than when they'd slept together the last time, she herself was injured; the bandages splinting her torso were not only uncomfortable, they blocked his access to territory he would have enjoyed very much. Still, he could not deny the pleasure he felt during sex—Rei was still as sensitive but much more vocal than he remembered her to be—or the relief he felt after, when he rolled to the left of her, panting harshly.

She curled up onto his arm and buried her face between his neck and shoulder. Her hands crawled on him, one under his extended arm, the other resting on his chest, right over his heart, as if she needed the physical thumping under his skin to remind her of something important.

He needed a few moments to recover his expended energy. The black stars were starting to cloud his vision—sex was probably not the best idea after he'd just woken up from a blackout—but at least he felt…content. At ease. It was a feeling he hadn't experienced in a long time.

"…You okay?" he muttered.

"Mm."

"…I'll just go ahead and say that that was probably the worst sex I've ever had."

"…I've had worse," she murmured.

Tyki chuckled. "Really? With who? Kanda?"

She made a small noise that sounded like a scornful snort. "Don't you dearly wish that…"

"Was he good?"

"…This is a most awkward conversation to be having with you."

"Was he?" said Tyki insistently.

"Yes," she said, leaning back so that she could actually see him. "He was. Satisfied now?"

"No," sighed Tyki. "I was always counting on Kanda's sexual prowess to be sadly lacking so I at least had some upper-hand when it came to you…"

"Sorry," said Rei dryly, "you've got a lot to live up to. Kanda's been the best sex I've had…probably ever."

Tyki stared. "No."

"Oh, seriously, you can't pretend that I actually enjoyed having sex with you four years ago—it hurt, and—"

"I was careful!"

"It didn't make it any better," Rei scoffed. "Look, drop it—getting so agitated over this is only going to make you pass out."

He would've loved to continue, but Rei gave him such an annoyed yet genuinely concerned look that he stopped. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her stomach and pulled her closer.

"…How long have I been out?" he said against her forehead.

"…I lost count of the days," she replied. "I think it's been about…a week."

"Damn. I'm surprised I woke up."

Her eyes darted to his face. "…I'm glad you did."

He chuckled again, though this time, wryly. "So considering that we are currently naked…you finished things with Kanda?"

Her gaze left. "I guess."

His voice grew gentler. "…You okay with that?"

"…I guess."

He tried to probe a little farther. "If everything hadn't happened, would you have stayed with him?"

She didn't answer immediately. "…No. I'd already left."

His lips brushed her skin. "Do you regret it?"

It was an ambiguous question. He wondered if she knew what he was looking for. The finality of it all. That Kanda was not the choice she would have made if she'd been free of her inhibitions. Obligations. And past.

It looked as if she didn't want to reply, but no matter how uncomfortable it made her feel, it was an answer he wanted. Needed, if he was to make the correct decisions as well.

"Rei?"

"…I don't regret where I am now," she answered softly. Her eyes found his. "That okay?"

Was it half-hearted? Or was the gaze resolute? The answer too cryptic, or was it really so simple?

Or perhaps it time for him to concede that Kanda and Rei were an item that he was never going to understand.

He kissed her forehead.

"Yes," he whispered. "It is."


free talk:

yes, i'm not studying for finals because i'm a terrible student...
so yeah. here's a chapter for december. we'll see if i can get the next one out by the end of this year. if not, merry early christmas! thank you for sticking with me for so long. sorry, also, for not replying your reviews in ages - please know that i do appreciate each and every one of you. (we also just broke 2000 reviews, which only makes me all the more thankful and undeserving of your support.)

i hope you enjoyed this chapter; i know some people will be upset with this direction of resolution, but i couldn't make everyone happy so i just decided to make myself happy, haha. lj later if you're interested.

xoxo,
m.n