Disclaimer: teen wolf does not belong to me in any way, shape or form – anyways wow, thank you all those that have supported me, means so much, and a massive thankful shoutout to linda96, Blackbird1825, Ashleymcd25, hope, Senjaninja, x XRoweenaJAugustineX x and emzD34 for reviewing, you are all the best – hope you like this next update
Was redemption even possible for her?
She doubted it. She didn't just make a mistake, or two. She made a whole bunch of them, constantly, continuously, a hundred times over. She had missed several chances at turning her life around – when Stiles took her into his home, and watched over her when she was so wasted she passed out for half the night. When she saved his life on the school roof. When he told her he loved her and would be there for her no matter what. When she started to feel, only to turn it off because she was drowning, overwhelmed completely. When they started sleeping together again, and Stiles wanted them to be 'them' again. An 'us', if you will. She had let love back into her life, only to turn her back on it over something as petty as revenge. She let her dark side win out yet again, and in doing so pushed away everyone in her life that mattered.
She was such a bad person – no, a terrible person. The worst really. She had strived to over the past two years to be at least semi good, to get her life on track, and now all her progress had been wasted. Maybe she had been fooling herself – maybe she was just meant to be bad.
"Kez, stop it. Pull yourself together" her brother murmured, dropping to his knees in front of her, his kind dark eyes filled with nothing but sympathy and burning desire to get he to see sense, "you can fix this, but not by breaking down on us alright?"
She didn't reply, just kept crying in anguish, the faces of everyone she hurt, everyone she killed, flashing across her mind.
"Sis… listen to me" he reached out for her hand but she flinched, pulling away, protecting him from her deranged, sociopathic self, "what you've done doesn't define you – you told me that, remember? After I… I hurt that woman when I shifted?" she screwed her eyes shut, trying to tune out his voice but he was hitting something inside of her, something that compelled her to listen to his softly spoken words, "I ended up killing her and it still tears me up remembering it, knowing what I did every time my eyes change colour but you… you helped me deal with it, just like how I'm going to help you, alright?"
She sniffed, nearly choking on the raw guilt that consumed her completely, "y-you made a mistake. I liked it" she peered up at him, eyes red and frame small and shaking, "I liked how powerful I felt. I e-enjoyed everything I did"
Dylan sighed deeply, "after what you went through, all those centuries in hell being beat down and made to feel small and worthless, it's not a surprise you liked being the one in control, it's human nature"
"No – no" she shook her head violently, her vision swimming and blurring together as she pointed a finger at him, "d-don't make excuses for me – j-just don't"
She was on the brink of losing it, Dylan saw it, hell they all did, and he just held his hands up, backing off slightly to give her space, not wanting her to do anything rash.
"I… I'm the b-bad guy" she murmured, "I am. I'm just like Peter" she whispered in realisation, "h-he was right. Apples don't fall far from the t-tree…"
"You're nothing like him" Lydia said full of certainty, "Nothing"
Kayla just shook her head again, pushing herself back so she could stumble to her feet, ignoring the flare up of agony she was in because her pain didn't matter, it was what she deserved after all – and the emotional far outweighed the physical. Nothing could compare to the emotional agony she was in right now.
"I-I-I c-c-can't-c-can't-" couldn't what? Keep talking? Keep looking at them? Be in their presence, knowing how much crap she put them through? All of the above and more, unable to bear it.
"Kaylz, wait-"
No, she hurt him the most of all – the one person who loved her unconditionally, through thick and thin. The person that always had her back, even when she didn't have his. The person that continued to see and love the good in her despite her actions proving she was nothing but bad. The person that she hurt by not only betraying his trust, but making him watch her with other people, like a sick taunt. She hurt him worst of all, and he deserved better – better than her and her fucked up mess.
She shook her head, trying to keep it together, to not lose it completely, holding onto her sanity before she could break down and stumbled back against the wall, unable to look him fully in the eye.
"I'm s-s-sorry Stiles… for everything… I am s-so so s-sorry" she tottered back a few more steps, her legs burning in pain, "d-don't forgive me, but I n-need you to know that I am – that I'm s-sorry, I really really am"
That's all he had wanted since she had come back – not a half assed apology or a shrug of a shoulder, brushing off any and all responsibility but a proper, whole hearted sorry. And he had just got it.
"Kayla-" he whispered, "-baby I-I know you are, and I forgi-"
"No, no don't say it" she rushed out hysterically, "don't – just don't. don't forgive me Stiles, not after everything. Just don't" she waved her arms out, cutting off any protest any of them could come out with, not wanting to push her over the edge, "and d-don't come after me. S-Stop chasing me… I'm not worth it" she added tearfully, "please…" and with that she took off – where to, she didn't know – all she knew was that she needed to escape, to get away from the people she hurt, her guilt too much. It was suffocating her, drowning her. She needed a moment to breathe, to gather her thoughts, try and understand everything that was going on inside her head so got out of there as fast as she could, choking back her cries of anguish as Stiles made a move forward, ready to run after her like he always did, wanting to wipe away her tears and dry her eyes but Dylan grabbed a hold of his elbow, pulling him back – he was always an avid supporter of trying to respect people's wishes, even if he didn't necessary agree with them.
"Give her some space" he advised sadly, "let her come to terms with… everything"
"She needs help" Stiles implored, pulling his arm away, "what if she-if she does something? Something stupid?"
"Kayla's the type of person that needs time to herself to sort everything out in her head, I would hope that the guy that's been dating her for over a year would know this"
Stiles flinched, dropping his gaze.
"Look man, I'm sorry" Dylan clapped his shoulder, squeezing it a little in support, "it's just… she's never been a sharing and caring person, even from a young age. If – and when – she wants to talk, you'll know, until then… maybe she needs some time to herself"
"Maybe" Stiles agreed quietly, staring at the exit in quiet imploration, "I just wish I knew how to help her"
"Yeah" Dylan whispered, "me too"
Her entire life she had felt like a failure – like she constantly wasn't good enough. Since moving to Beacon Hills that had improved – her self hate had decreased a little, and she learned to accept love even when, at times, she couldn't love herself but her entire seventeen years of life, nothing could've been prepared her for the sudden, overwhelming sense of self destruction and remorse.
She wasn't feeling entirely – that was, all her emotions hadn't come back, her ability to feel wholly and humanly, but what had was surely killing her. Or at least it felt that way.
The guilt – oh god, that was the worst. Like a constant knife in the gut, twisting and slicing until she couldn't breathe. She hadn't felt something this intense and all-consuming in… in, well, forever. Maybe that was why she couldn't deal with it, rationalise what she was really thinking.
So she ended up stumbling to the one place she had wanted to be at, to fulfil her final duties as a mother. She was late though, the night sky already beginning to engulf them like a blanket.
She had picked an empty plot next to where her family was – it was meant to be hers, or at least that's what the records said, her family being ready and organised and already having their plots handpicked, but she gave it up for just now for her daughter. Mia deserved to rest in peace next to her blood relatives, ones she knew would look after her, not her. Not Kayla.
She collapsed to her knees next to the freshly upturned, small patch of dirt. The funeral went ahead as planned, even with no one to attend. She had missed it – her final chance to say goodbye.
Tears rushed to her eyes, placing her palm over the dirt, "I'm so sorry baby. I-I should've been here. I should've been here because you needed me and I'm… I'm sorry" she said simply, her voice cracking with the strain of so many heart crushing emotions threatening to tear her apart, "I'm not the mom you deserve…. I'm selfish. And a failure. I've let you down t-time and time again. I couldn't even… I couldn't even keep you alive, or safe when I left you all cuddled up in the ground. And now you… you were buried, all alone, thinking I didn't care. You n-needed me Mia… baby girl… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I did terrible things in your name, telling people what I was doing was for you when that wasn't true. I killed because I was angry. Because I wanted payback. You're too good, too innocent, to be stuck with a m-mother like me" she added, "and now I've… I've let you down again" she stroked the dirt, wishing she was able to just reach down and hold her daughter's tiny hand again, even if it was just bones, "I… I love you baby, even if I never showed it…"
There was no headstone, just a simple wooden plaque hammered into the ground which said 'Mia Hale' – getting a gravestone was a lengthy process, one that could take weeks or even months so for now her daughter had been reduced to a big plot for a tiny body, with nothing but a small, cheap wooden sign saying her name. She only had a minute of life, but since her death she had been put through so much. Moving graves, her bones being stolen, having an empty funeral service… she must be feeling so unloved, so unwanted, and just the thought tore Kayla to pieces.
"If it's any consolation…" she jumped at the sudden intrusion, skirting back on her hands and knees, "… we – I – am really sorry you missed her funeral, if we knew…" Isaac sucked in a sharp breath, his baby blue eyes brimming with guilt, "we would've made sure you got to be here. Even if you were a terrible person, some part of you did love your daughter – or remembered what it felt like to love her at least. Maybe you did what you did for her was out of possession, 'what's mine is mine' sort of thing but who am I to question what or why you did those things. I'm just sorry you missed your chance to say goodbye"
She wiped at her eyes but more tears were ready to fall, dropping her gaze back to the dirt, imagining her little baby girl locked away in that casket, buried under tons of dirt – she must be so cold, so frightened… oh god…
"How did you find me?" she croaked out, avoiding his gaze.
Isaac eyed her warily, watching her be so dejected and sad, bruises evident on her arms and the winces she let out every time she moved – she was in agony but she was trying not to show that, hiding the fact she was tormented from the effects of the power surge exploding within her body.
"Stiles mentioned you had woke up but needed some time to yourself… I figured that you would come here, especially if your emotions really were back – or partly back at least. Your maternal instinct was always very strong when it came to Mia"
"And what are you doing here?" she still couldn't look at him, keeping her head down.
"I uh… I needed to talk to you – before anyone else could" he sounded serious, so serious in fact that it made her gut churn as she finally glanced up as he came to sit next to her, keeping a couple feet distance whether for her benefit or his she couldn't tell, "and I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to say"
Tears rushed down her cheeks but she didn't have the energy to wipe them away, "I-I deserve it"
"Hale…" he murmured, dipping his head briefly to collect his emotions, "there is only so much I – we – can forgive. Being bad was a choice for you… at least later on it was. At the start, I was prepared to forgive you for everything because I understand what it was like to act out after being belittled and degraded for years. I got it. I survived abuse too, but that reason can only be validated for as long as the person felt like they had no choice. In the past few weeks, you had your friends. You had Stiles. You were finally acting like Kayla again but now… siding with the nogitsune, letting that evil corrupt you… that was your choice" he stated sadly, "you turned your backs on us, you hurt us… you were our enemy, and no amount of I'm sorry's' can excuse what you've done"
Her entire body hummed with hurt despite his soft tone – he wasn't saying these words harshly, no, he said them with pity which maybe made it a hundred times worse.
"And as much as you were hurting… you still betrayed us. Betrayed me" he added, "my best friend… the girl I shared my toffee popcorn with and put a gummy ring on her finger, the girl I used to drool over in art class, the girl that I always wanted in my life. I had come to terms that we would never be a thing, but I didn't think I would ever want to let you go. Because whatever way it would play out, I always thought Isaac Lahey would have his Kayla Hale but now…" he trailed off, his expression void of any happiness, just anguish and torment, "now I think it's better for everyone, including you, if you go. If you go and never look back"
Her hands were shaking, realising just how badly she had screwed everything up. There was a point Isaac would do anything to hold onto her, to keep her in his life, and now he was prepared to cut all ties and let go. Why? Because she was a monster, and some things shouldn't be forgiven.
"G-Go?" she whimpered, "you mean… you mean run away?"
Her bottom lip wobbled, more tears rushing from her eyes as he winced, like her emotional pain was pure anguish for him, holding back from reaching out to her – Kayla had always been his soft spot, but he couldn't let that cloud his judgement. Not now. Not here.
"The things you've done… it's going to take a while for people to forgive that. And they shouldn't feel they have to, which they might if you're around. God Kay, I don't want to lose you, I don't" he shook his head, "but you're not the same girl, you understand that don't you? when I looked into your eyes that night… when you killed our friends-" she flinched like she had been shot, casting her stare down to her lap, "-there wasn't a single trace of the girl I love. All I saw was pure darkness, and letting that in was your choice. No one forced it on you. Not like the nogitsune did to Stiles. You chose that path, and now maybe… maybe you need to live with the consequences of that"
She wiped at her eyes, ignoring the pain in her hands from the action.
"I-It was my choice… I… I'm a monster"
"No" he reassured, reaching out to gently cup her cheek, "you were just lost. But that shouldn't be an excuse. I just think that being here, in Beacon Hills… it can't be your home, not after everything"
She bit her lip, leaning in to his touch as she peaked over to him, "then where is?"
He smiled softly, "I don't know Hale. I'm sorry"
She understood where he was coming from, and knew his words were the truth – he had the strength to say to her what others couldn't. It was what she was needing to hear.
"I… I don't want to be forgiven" she whispered, sniffing as Isaac swept his thumb across her cheek, trying to dry her tears but more fell in their place, "I don't deserve forgiveness. I deserve…. This" she shrugged, "this guilt. This pain. This unease. I deserve it all"
He didn't have an answer to that, watching her break down again and shuffled forward closer to her, trying not to let his distress show, almost biting back his words but he couldn't – not yet. He couldn't shrug off what Kayla did just because she was his friend. She had to realise that there were consequences for her actions.
"No… you deserved to live" he whispered, now cupping both her cheeks as he stared down at her, "you deserved a good life. You didn't deserve to be dumped in a hole that your best friend dug" still having haunted nightmares about digging her grave, how sick and anguished it made him feel, "and I'm sorry you never got that chance. If I could go back in time and change it, take your place, I would've. I would've gone to hell a hundred times over for my best friend, you know that don't you Hale?"
She never said anything, unable to even think of a single word let alone formulate a single sentence.
"Because you being like this, like you were… it broke my fucking heart Hale" he admitted, coughing to clear his throat, "and then we slept together and confused things, because I got a piece of you that I didn't think I ever would, but it didn't mean anything. It was empty. And it… it hurt. You hurt me that night, because you knew how much you meant to me, how I would give you the world, and you played me. And then hurting all those people… that was a Kayla I didn't want in my life. I want the old Kayla, my Kayla, the girl that I… well…" he whispered, dipping his head for a few seconds before going back to staring at her, "I want that girl that helped me find my place in this world, but you haven't been her for a while. She's still dead. And until you work through this, concentrate on trying to make things right, I can't… I can't forgive you. I want to but I can't. I'm sorry Hale"
"Don't be" she murmured quietly, their faces just inches away from one another's, "everything you said… it's right. I did hurt you. I realise that now, and I want to make it right. Not for your forgiveness, or theirs, but because I want to do good, or try to"
Isaac smiled a little, tilting his forehead against hers, "I'm sorry it's come to this Hale"
"Me too" she muttered, "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough"
"Hey, you were plenty strong enough. For years. But everyone has a breaking point, the nogitsune found yours. That's nothing to be ashamed of" he reassured, tilting her head back up when she went to look down, "I hope that, one day, you manage to find peace with all of this" he added, "I want that for you Hale"
She didn't want it because she didn't deserve it but she never said anything, too consumed with guilt and grief to carry on speaking so Isaac just pressed himself forward, his bare lips brushing across her forehead so he could press a tender kiss to her sweaty skin, lingering there for several seconds and to Kayla it felt like a goodbye – goodbye because he wasn't ready to forgive the person she had become, even if he wanted to but his sense of reason outweighed the unhealthy need to forgive her. She understood and a part of her was glad.
He eventually pulled back, wiping at his own eyes, "you don't have to go, of course. I won't make you, but I think we both know it would be for the best. For everyone"
She nodded once, glancing back down at her daughter's grave.
"I'll give you some time alone" he stood slowly, but not before pressing another kiss to the top of her head, "you would've been a great mom Kay… I'm sorry the world robbed you of that"
And then he left – left her crying over her daughter and the guilt of everything she had done, regretting every single action and decision she has made since coming back to life, wondering if Isaac was right, if leaving really was the best thing she could do in the circumstances.
Maybe it was, leaving people to heal and move on with their lives, or would it be seen as running away, being too weak to even try and make up for what she did?
She didn't know.
She just… didn't know. Not anymore. She wasn't confident or sure, or even aware of what path she should take. For now, she was just a sad, empty shell of who she once was and from now on, it would just continue to get worse.
Stiles knew he should listen to Dylan, after all he was Kayla's brother, he knew what she needed but you see, Stiles' wasn't a very attentive person. Things usually went in one ear and out the other, his inability to stay calm and collected winning as he, after barely two hours, went looking for her. He knew she needed space and time, but she also needed support. The latter maybe more so.
So he went where he knew she would be – the cemetery.
It wasn't a hard guess – she missed her daughter's funeral, where else would she want to be? He knew Kayla, and he knew her maternal love would win out on this one.
So he drove there as quick as he could, anxiety eating him up as he slipped out of the jeep and scurried across the ground, shining his phone torch over the grave stones until he came across a small patch of freshly dug dirt and his heart plummeted when there was no sight of her, just a freshly picked single daisy resting on the mud.
He sighed sadly, squatting down to look over the grave, "hey kid… I'm sorry I made mommy miss your funeral – don't blame her, it was my fault. This is my fault. All she wanted was you safe… she's a good mom" he spoke softly, "she got you back because you… you are her everything, alive or not"
He stroked the dirt one last time before standing up, sighing heavily as he went to move back to the jeep, totally dejected, but heard some faint sniffles and froze, shining his light ahead of him as he moved quickly through the headstones and followed the noise until he came across a crying Kayla leaning against Allison's headstone, knees tucked to her chest as she gazed out at the bleak expanse in front of her.
"Kaylz…" he whispered, his heart splitting in half at her distress, "you shouldn't be out here by yourself" he kneeled next to her but she ignored him, too caught up in her grief to fully notice him, "its late, and cold, let me take you home…"
She remembered Isaac's words, how he felt she couldn't have a home here and agreed with him – she couldn't settle in this town, or look anyone in the eye, knowing what she had done.
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her knees, "my home is here – or it should be" she murmured and at first he didn't get it, confused at her words until it hit him like a ton of bricks – she was here, in the cemetery, because she believed she deserved to be here, next to all the other dead bodies.
"No, your home is with me. With us" he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, a sharp sting shooting through his as he caught sight of Allison's name in the beautiful black scrawl across the grey stone, "let me take you home Kaylz. Let me look after you"
She shook her head but accepted his comfort, burying herself into his chest as she clung to his shirt, "A-All the b-bad things I did Stiles… I k-killed… I h-hurt, mani-manipulated – say you hate me, please, say you hate me"
"I don't hate you Kaylz"
She pulled back, peering up at him frantically, "Yes you do, you do, so say it. Say you hate me, please"
Tears blurred his vision but he held them back, watching her crumble and crack apart, "I don't hate you"
Her fists grabbed tighter at his shirt in desperation, her eyes rimmed red and heavy as she started to lose it again, "hate me Stiles. Hate me, hate me, hate me"
"I can't baby, I can't, because if I do… if I let myself… I'm scared that I'll…" he held her by the shoulders, trying so hard not to cry as they both fell apart by their friend's grave, "… that I'll never forgive you. and you Kaylz… you're the one person that I need in my life, and I don't want to imagine a world, or a time, or a future that I resent you"
Her hands slackened around his shirt, gasping back some panicked breaths as she collapsed in exhaustion against his chest, totally overwhelmed.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you Stiles… I'm so sorry…"
"I know" he murmured, hugging her to his body to try and calm her down, "I know baby" nuzzling into the side of her head, his senses getting overwhelmed by her familiar smell that engulfed him, keeping him calm and rooted to the spot.
He couldn't take his anger and frustration out on this Kayla, not when she was already so fragile. He didn't have it in him to break her heart, not again.
Never again.
A/N)))) AHHHHH whoops, so yeah a little Isaac and kayla and stiles and kayla im bad haha sorry for the little bit shorter chapters, just with placement and everything but once that's over (three weeks yay) more longer and wuicker chapters hahaha so please please review and let me know what you thought pleaseeeeeee dying to know, love you all, see yall soon x
