A/N. This is one of the hardest chapters I've ever had to write. I wrote most of it in my head the other night when I couldn't sleep and I honestly think I ended up crying myself to sleep. I've also never had so much trouble writing the author's note and here I sit on my bed trying to think of what to say but coming up empty. I think I'll leave it for the final chapter. I don't own anything.
The next few months flew by at an incredible rate. Before the boys knew it, January turned into May and everything changed. The air was warmer, fresher, clearer. Trees turned green again and birds sang in their branches. Flowers bloomed and bees buzzed busily around never stopping once to enjoy the sweet scent of the honey they were so intent on acquiring for their hives.
Carlos had always loved spring the best. After the dull, dreary and occasionally dangerous winters in Minnesota, it was a relief to be able to step outside without a jacket and look around at all the life that had peeked out from under Winter's blanket. He loved California springs even better because it was never too hot and it was never too cold. It always felt just right. Carlos loved watching what winter had appeared to kill come back to life. Winter meant death and spring meant life. Usually.
Carlos sighed and leaned his head against his bedroom window, deep in thought. He had loved spring. Now he wasn't so sure because as he watched new life coming into the world he felt like he was also watching another life fade out.
"What are you thinking about?"
He started at the sounds of his friend's voice but turned and forced a smile. "Hey, Logan."
Logan joined Carlos by the window and stared out. "So what's up?" He glanced at Carlos. "I mean you must be either really bored or in deep thought because you've been staring out this window for about an hour."
"I have?" Carlos asked in surprise. "What time is it?"
"It's almost one." Logan told him. He frowned. "Hey, Carlos are you okay?" Carlos had been unusually quiet all day long and it worried Logan as well as James and Kendall.
Carlos bit his lip and continued to stare out at the crowded pool before answering. "I'm okay I guess. I was just thinking about how I used to love spring because winter gets depressing after a while. Spring always seemed like the world around me was new and everything was okay."
"But Carlos, everything is okay. What's wrong?" Logan asked softly.
Carlos turned to face him, his brown eyes filling with tears. "You." He whispered.
He hated himself for feeling the way he did. Logan looked great. He hadn't been sick in weeks and the only trips he made to the hospital were twice a week for tests and sometimes light treatments. He was no longer thin and gaunt because he had started eating again and looked almost like his old self. And he and James were back to their insomniac nights except the handful of times that James practically shoved a Benadryl down Logan's throat to make him rest. The only reminder of Logan's illness were his weekly trips to see Doctor Walsh. So Carlos didn't know why he couldn't be happy.
Maybe it was because back in January, Kendall had confessed to all of them that he was convinced Logan was going to die. That had shaken Carlos. The fact that their fearless leader thought they would lose Logan. He knew that Kendall couldn't always be the strong one but that didn't mean he had to think that Logan would lose his battle with cancer and leave them a threesome rather than a foursome.
What would happen if Logan died? Would they stay together? As much as Logan tried to convince them that they would eventually move on, Carlos couldn't imagine it. It was hard to believe his friend when all he talked about was some strange guy names Daniel. As hard as Carlos tried he couldn't believe that Daniel and Logan were right. Because when Logan died they would move back to Minnesota and everything would change.
"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." Logan tried to assure Carlos. "Look at how great things have been going for so long. Last week, Doctor Walsh said that he's really optimistic about how my tests looked and everything. What's there to be worried about?"
But although Carlos didn't answer out loud, all Logan had to do was look at his friend and see the fear in his eyes to know that he was thinking of every time Doctor Walsh had been optimistic and every time their hopes had been raised, only to have something happened that crushed them once again.
Logan sighed and fell silent. The phone rang and jolted them both out of their deep thoughts. Carlos stood up to get it but Mrs. Knight answered before he had time to leave the room.
"Logan?" Mrs. Knight poked her head in the room. "Logan, Doctor Walsh is on the phone. He'd like to speak with you." She tried to rely the message calmly but her voice shook slightly with every word. Logan's doctor had never called him at home before. Something was different.
Both of the boys wandered slowly from the room, meeting Kendall and James in the hallway. Logan picked up the phone and spoke into it. "Hello?" He turned away from his friends because he found it impossible to focus on the conversation when they were all staring at him.
"Hello, Logan. How are you feeling?" A simple enough start. Doctor Walsh always greeted him like that in the hospital.
"Um, I'm doing pretty good." Logan twisted the phone cord around his fingers and wracked his brain for a reason that the doctor was calling. "Did I miss an appointment?"
His question hung in the empty air for a moment. Doctor Walsh finally sighed. "No, nothing like that. I was calling because. . . Well because Logan, your tests the other day came back. . . irregular."
"What do you mean irregular?" Logan asked before he could stop himself. Inevitably he heard Carlos gasp. He turned to face the other boys and gave a short shrug. No big deal. Don't panic. Not yet.
"I mean I was wondering if you could come today instead of early next week like we planned. I want to run some more tests and see if the last batch was just a fluke."
Logan could hear papers rustling on the other side of the line. Doctor Walsh must be doing paperwork while he was talking to Logan. The fact that he was multi-tasking meant that he was busy. And the fact that he had called Logan at home in the midst of everything else he had to do meant that it was urgent. Doctor Walsh never wasted anyone's time. Logan managed to swallow the lump of fear that had lodged itself in his throat. "Sure. I'll be right over."
Kendall had been hanging onto every single one word of the one-sided conversation. He jumped though when Logan set the phone back in it's cradle a trembling hand. "What is it, Logan?" He demanded quickly. "What did he want?"
"Um, he wanted me to go in today for some extra tests. Something came up in my last tests and he said that they wanted to make sure there wasn't a fluke." Logan ran a hand through his short hair. "So can one of you maybe drop me off?"
"A fluke?" Kendall repeated. "What does he mean by that?"
Logan shrugged and shook his head. "I have no idea. He didn't say. He probably doesn't want me to jump to any conclusions."
"I'll take you." Kendall let out a deep breath and grabbed his set of keys. "You guys coming?" James and Carlos were already nodding before the words were finished leaving his mouth. Kendall glanced at his mom. "We'll be back okay?"
Mrs. Knight nodded wordlessly and gave Logan a tight hug before the boys walked out the door. She sat down on a kitchen stool and waited for them to return, unsure of how things would be changed when they did.
The car ride was quiet except for the noises of the vehicle itself. Kendall gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Carlos fiddled with something in his pocket. James stared out the window, trying to keep his breathing regular when his chest felt so tight with pain that he thought he might explode before they even reached the hospital.. Logan sat and watched them all, hoping beyond hope that whatever news he came back with wouldn't shatter his friends all over again.
It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair but this was a whole new level of unfairness. He had been improving steadily for months. Why then, did his cancer have to attack once more with whatever irregularity Doctor Walsh had meant? Logan liked feeling good and healthy. He liked feeling normal. But what he liked best about the past few months was that his friends were getting back to normal too. Would anything destroy that today?
Kendall pulled up to the hospital and Logan undid his seat belt. He sat in the front seat for a minute, trying to gather his scattered thoughts. "So," He began. "Don't panic. It's probably nothing." Or everything. "Why don;t you guys head to the park a couple streets down and I'll call you when I'm done here?" He made a face. "No use being here if you don't have to."
"We can stay here. We don't mind." Kendall watched James and Carlos in the rear view mirror bob their heads like a pair of. . . bobble head dolls.
But Logan shook his head. "Stay in the waiting room on a day like this?" He looked up at the sky. "It's beautiful out. Don't be ridiculous."
Kendall sighed. "Fine." He gave in. "We'll go to the park and wait. Call us as soon as you're done, okay? No walking?"
Logan grimaced. "It's like, three blocks, Kendall." He protested. "I'm fine."
"What if you aren't?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. His voice shook slightly as he started the car again.
"Not that much can change that quickly." Logan pointed out. "But I'll call if it'll really make you feel better." He watched as all three of his friends nodded, wishing that he could laugh at how absurd they looked. "Okay. See you in a while." He patted the hood of the car then walked quickly to the entrance and through the doors.
The boys watched until they couldn't see him anymore, wondering what it would be like when they finally saw him again. Then, Kendall pulled out of the hospital parking lot and on the street towards the park.
James almost got out of the car and ran back to the hospital. He'd rather be anywhere else but the park Kendall was driving to. It brought back so many unwelcome memories. It was the very same park that he had run to when Logan was first diagnosed. It was the same park he had talked with Julie on the anniversary of the death of Logan's mother. All he remembered about the park was heartache.
"Are you okay, James?" Carlos watched him as Kendall pulled into the parking lot. "We could go somewhere else and wait."
But Logan wanted them there. James shook his head. "No, I'm fine." He said as he climbed out. It was empty. Why was it always empty? It seemed foreboding that there were no little kids running around with snotty noses or dogs swimming in the pond. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of twin girls having a tea party in the shade of a tree. They looked to be about seven or eight and as James watched it was obvious that they didn't have a care in the world. He thought of little Logan.
"Alex and Laura, time to go!" The girls started at the sound of their mother's voice, upsetting the tea pot and spilling water all over their dolls. Instead of crying like James had expected them to, they giggled and gathered their things together to go meet their mother at the car. Pure, blissful, childhood innocence.
"James?" Kendall stared at his friend, watching him closely. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." James gave him a crooked smile. "I mean, you know. As good as I can be right now." He walked over to the now vacant tree and sat down, leaning against the trunk. Was it just a year ago that he had collapsed under the same tree, exhausted after running full speed for five miles? James knew now that he couldn't out run his problems.
Carlos and Kendall joined their friend and they sat in utter silence. Fear choked their throats, making words impossible. But when the complete stillness became too unbearable, Carlos fiddled around for a few seconds before pulling a wrinkled piece of paper out of his pocket. He smoothed it down as best as he could then began folding it.
James and Kendall watched as Carlos expertly twisted and folded the paper until it began to take the form of a bird. A crane. Then it was finished and Carlos set it on the ground in front of them. "One thousand." He said almost as if to himself.
Kendall's tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks. He remembered how he had scoffed at Carlos' idea of folding one thousand paper cranes for Logan. He remembered how Carlos had pretty much ignored him and had tirelessly folded hundreds of cranes over the past several months. He kept them carefully stored in a box in his room, which had become magically clean, like he was afraid stray clutter might harm his paper birds. They had looked somewhat ridiculous, all huddled together, time and wear giving the oldest ones a funny look. But as Kendall stared at the thousandth paper crane that Carlos had just folded, he couldn't remember seeing something so beautiful.
"Don't cry." Carlos found himself saying. "It's just a paper bird."
"No, Carlos." James pulled his friend into a one-armed hug. "It's so much more than that. You worked so hard for so long and it means so much to Logan."
"I was wrong." Kendall scrubbed away the tears that blurred his vision with his shirt. He pictured Logan making a disgusted face and nearly lost it again but regained enough control to speak to Carlos. "Carlos, I was so wrong about those birds. Because if anything they gave us hope and they gave Logan another reason to keep fighting. And I know this is going to sound really weird since we're best friends and we're pretty much the same age but Carlos, I'm so proud of you."
Carlos sniffed and tried to smile. "Why?" He asked, his voice laced in confusion.
"Because of all those times you pulled us back together when we fell apart. You used to be the one we had to protect and you wound up protecting us. We've all grown up a lot but I think you've done the most growing."
But Carlos shook his head. "Logan." He said simply, the single word carrying so much meaning.
Kendall nodded. "You're right. Logan has done the most growing up. But Carlos, you've been amazing. A little over a year ago you were crazy and funny and just. . . goofy and insane. There were times I thought I was going to go crazy when you were bouncing off the walls. But you were always there for us when we needed someone to be funny. And now. . . now you're still the same person but different someone. You're. . . mature."
"So much for Neverland, huh?" Carlos tried to joke but his laugh came out as a half sob and a half gasp for air. "Do you like me this way?" He asked hesitantly.
"Carlos, I loved you the way you were and the way you are right now." Kendall managed a small smile. "Just don't change too much more okay? Keep on telling jokes and being goofy because we still need that."
Carlos gave a small salute and smiled. "You've changed too, Kendall. You used to get so angry all the time. Now you handle things better. I mean, you still stand up for us and everything but you control yourself better. It makes me feel even safer."
James nodded but Kendall shook his head. "I was angry for the longest time. Angry at everyone. Especially Logan for getting sick. But I know now that it's beyond our control and all we can do is stay together."
"That's another thing." James added. "You listen more. You used to do all the talking but now you're willing to stop taking control over everything. You still have that fire Gustavo loves. But like everything else you can control it now."
"James, you've changed a lot too." Kendall turned to face his friend. "You're more open now. You used to hide your feelings behind 'The Face' but you've always cared more about others than yourself. And now you're not afraid to show that."
James laughed hoarsely. "I got used to it. It's pretty hard to pretend not to care when you have to every single day. But thanks, Kendall. That means a lot." He pulled handfuls of grass from the ground and sprinkled piles of it in front of him. "You know as much as we've changed, Logan's kind of stayed the same. He was always more mature than the rest of us. He had to be. He was forced into growing up before most kids his age. But he's different too. He's more honest. He lets us help him. I like that."
"He doesn't look at the logical side of things as much either." Carlos chimed in. "One time we were talking about him being sick. And he kept throwing these statistics and medical information into the conversation." Carlos paused, remembering that conversation when Logan had first gotten sick. "Then I told him that knowledge isn't always everything and that the statistics don't matter because he's Logan. And Logan's different. The weird thing was he actually listened. Now he's more willing to think outside the box."
Kendall smiled slightly. "You mean the fish tank?" He teased lightly.
Carlos couldn't help laughing, the sound catching in his throat. "Or the fish tank." He agreed. "You know, I've never liked change that much. I was always kind of scared of it. I like it when things stay the same because I know what to expect. That made me feel safe and secure and comfortable. But everything has changed now and that's helped me realize something. Change can help you change, and that can be a good thing."
Carlos' words seemed to sum up their entire conversation and the boys fell silent. They let the sound of the wind through the trees and the birds singing fill the emptiness. At first it was peaceful and calmed their fears. But gradually, as time continued to pass, a feeling of uneasiness began to settle over their heads.
"What time is it?" James finally asked, forgetting that he had his cell phone in his pocket.
"Almost 4:00." Kendall answered. He stared hard at his own phone as if by magic it would inform him that they missed Logan's call a half an hour ago.
Carlos stared at his phone, almost expecting it to ring at any minute. Nothing. "Why hasn't he called?" He asked, his uneasiness turning into an all too familiar sense of dread.
"I don't know." Kendall fretted. He stood up and started pacing like he always did when he was scared and didn't know what else to do. "Do you think we should call him? Or maybe we should just drive to the hospital and see if someone can tell us what's up. Maybe his cell phone ran out of battery!" He looked at them anxiously.
James closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath and remain calm. But the fact that Logan had yet to call and that Kendall was asking them what they should do about it was terrifying. "Okay." He opened his eyes to face Carlos and Kendall. "Let's give him another half an hour. If he hasn't called by then we'll call him ourselves."
"And if he doesn't answer?" Carlos asked in a small voice.
"Then we'll go there." James decided for all of them. He had managed to keep his voice relatively calm but his hands picked once again at the grass, the tempo now at a more frantic pace.
So they waited. Time seemed to slow down and every time they glanced at their phones, what seemed like ten minutes to them was only two. As soon as the thirty minutes passed though, all three of them snatched of their phones. James and Carlos dropped theirs and let Kendall take over.
Kendall's brain refused to function properly and instead of scrolling to Logan on his contact list, he dialed the number by heart and pressed the phone tightly to his ear. One ring. Two. Three. Come on, Logan. He pleaded to himself. Answer your stupid phone. With each ring his panic continued to rise and when Logan's voice told him to leave a message the phone slipped through his shaking fingers and fell to the ground. "He didn't answer." He told James and Carlos even though it was painfully obvious.
"So let's go then." James said. But he couldn't move.
Suddenly Carlos gasped and pointed to a figure walking over to them.
It was Logan. But as much as they wanted to get up and run over to him and bombard him with questions, the three boys were paralyzed by the fear of hearing Logan's answers.
It didn't take long for Logan to reach them anyway. His face was unreadable as he sank down into the grass besides his friends. But they were quick to note the pale color of his face where there had been color when they dropped him off. His eyes looked confused as he took in their appearance. "Hi." He greeted them like he couldn't decide what else he should say.
"Where were you?" Kendall found his voice even though it didn't sound like his. "Why didn't you call us or pick up when I- when we called? Why did you walk here when we agreed that we'd pick you up?"
Logan shook his head. "I'm sorry. I just. . . needed to take a walk to clear my head. I didn't even notice that you had called me."
"What took so long?" James asked. In the back of his mind he wondered if he would get in trouble for pulling out so much grass. The pile in front of him was the size of a softball by now.
Logan sighed. "They wanted to keep running the test. I thought I was going to go insane if they kept sticking needles into me." His eyes darted around as if they didn't know where to stay. Finally they landed on Carlos' paper crane and he smiled a little. "One thousand?" He asked Carlos softly, picking the crane up carefully.
Carlos nodded so hard that his helmet slipped down over his eyes. He took it off and laid it on the grass. He felt vulnerable without it on his head. "Well? What did they say?" His own courage surprised him because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what Logan had to say.
Logan ran a shaking hand through his hair as he struggled to find the words. "I honestly don't know how to tell you guys this." He admitted. "I'm still kind of in shock myself."
Kendall felt the color drain from his face at Logan's words. He briefly dropped his head into his hands and concentrated on breathing before looking back up at Logan. His heart thumped wildly when he saw tears in Logan's eyes. This could not be happening. Not when things had been so good for so many months. Logan had been improving. But Kendall braced himself for the worst. The cancer had spread. It was terminal. However he was not prepared for the words that did come out of Logan's mouth.
"It's gone." Logan's voice was so soft that the words were nearly lost in the breeze that rushed through the tree over their heads.
Two words. Two tiny words. That was all Logan had said. And yet the full meaning of them and the weight they carried when they went from Logan's mouth to the boys' ears was enough to stop the world. The noise around them faded until the only sound was the breathing of the four boys, who had been forced into becoming young mean in the past year, as they tried to absorb Logan's words.
Carlos felt like the sun had just broken through what had seemed like an endless wall of dark storm clouds. He stared at Logan in disbelief. "Really?" He whispered. His heart hammered in his chest so hard that one hand hovered over his left side to see what it felt like on his palm. He watched as Logan nodded slowly.
"Yeah." Logan didn't know what else to say. He watched his friends carefully, studying their reactions. Naturally, they were similar to his when Doctor Walsh told him the news. He had waited for so long, hoping to hear those words and yet when they had finally come, he just couldn't believe it.
"It's gone?" Kendall repeated. He watched as Logan nodded yet again. "The cancer?" He asked stupidly. Another nod.
James could only sit there in shock. He couldn't move and he could just barely breathe. He watched as Carlos' and Kendall's lips moved soundlessly because he couldn't hear a thing. He watched as Logan also said something that didn't quite register and he watched Logan nod over and over again. Then he heard a strange, choking, gasping sound. Someone was crying. Deep, wracking sobs that he realized, with another shock, was coming from him. His arms wound tightly around him waist to keep from splitting apart and he bent his head until the only thing he could see through his tears was the small hole in the knee of his jeans.
He had cried when Logan was first diagnosed. He had cried when Logan died and came back to life. He had cried countless times in between. Part of him couldn't believe he had anything left in him. But James could not stop the tears that streamed down his face and he couldn't stop shaking so hard that whenever he tried to stop, a shudder ripped through his body that made the shaking even worse.
"James?"
Logan's voice. Logan. James registered the fact right before Logan's arms pulled his own away from his body and dragged him into a tight hug. Logan meant to be comforting like he always was but James only cried harder until he couldn't breath and then he slowed down into slow, shuddering sobs that jerked his body spasmodically in Logan's arms.
Kendall watched Logan hug James and felt frozen. It was only when Carlos grabbed his arm and forced them both into the hug that Logan's words truly hit him and sank into his mind. It's gone. The cancer. Logan's cancer was gone. He was better. Gone was the disease that had threatened to take him away any day. It was gone. They had Logan back. Whole, healthy, and completely Logan. Kendall started to cry when the realization hit but it was a different kind of crying then the kind they had experienced for months on end. Instead of tears of fear, anger, or grief running down his cheeks, they were tears of joy.
Carlos' reaction surprised him. He started laughing. His shoulders shook with what was at first silent laughter and then he was gasping for air. But when they found themselves in a four-way hug the laughter turned to tears and it occurred to him that they were all crying.
Logan leaned into Kendall's shoulder and let the relief wash over him. He hadn't let himself believe it until he himself had told his friends. Because when he was in the hospital it had felt like a dream. But when he let the words fall from his own lips and tasted them on his tongue, and saw the indescribable joy that lit up the faces of James, Kendall, and Carlos he knew that it wasn't a dream because nothing this good could ever be a dream. It was real.
They pulled away at the same time and face each other. Logan took a deep breath and started to speak. "When I went in, Doctor Walsh didn't say much. He told me later that he didn't want to get my hopes up and then have something come back that showed the cancer was still there. I forget how many times they ran the tests but finally they stopped. When he told me I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it until I told you guys."
"You don't have cancer anymore!" Carlos exploded. "You're better! Right?" He bounced his leg up and down, smacking it on the helmet every single time it came down. He didn't care. He was utterly carefree and if his helmet broke because of the beating it was taking, he still wouldn't care. He didn't have a care in the world. "Logan," He gasped out. "You're not sick anymore!"
Logan laughed, feeling lighter than he had in the longest time. The heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders and had crumbled to pieces. "I know!" He exclaimed. "Believe me, I know." He shook his head. "I don't even know what to say right now. It's just so. . . amazing."
Kendall copied his head shake. "It's more than amazing." He said quietly. "But I don't think there are any adjectives that would come close to being a fair description of the way I feel right now."
"Words aren't always everything." James really had no idea where that had come from but it was true and they all nodded in agreement. He sighed. It had been the longest, hardest year he had ever had to go through in his short eighteen years. They had experienced ups and downs and the number of downs was far greater than the number of ups. But none of it mattered now because everything was better now. They were complete. "You did it, Logan." He said, looking at his friend with pride. They had all known that Logan was a special person. But this meant the world to him and he knew that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan himself, felt the same exact way.
"No." Logan smiled but shook his head. "I didn't do it." No one deserved the kind of friends he had. But maybe they all deserved each other anyway. Because true friends didn't run away when life got hard. No matter how hopeless things had looked, they had never turned away. Sure, they had fallen apart more than once. But they had held on. "I didn't do it." He repeated softly. "We all did."
If there was a Heaven on Earth, the four boys were right in the middle.
A/N. This made me cry more than anything I've ever written. I was at work tonight and I was writing some down on paper and it took me over five minutes to write the words, "It's gone" because I kept dropping the pen, my hand was shaking so badly. My only hope was that I met your expectations. Because I couldn't write 55 chapters and have Logan die at the end. I couldn't do that. So this is officially my favorite chapter. The epilogue will be up sometime this week. I love you all and I hope you loved this chapter. Review?
