Chapter 54
Apart from a single dwarf, Dworkin's cousin, everyone else was dead. It was hardly surprising, three ogres, dozens of genlocks, hurlocks, and a fucking emissary. Six green as grass Wardens didn't have a bloody chance. All for a bit of gold. The First Warden had a lot to answer for.
They followed the same route they had taken back to Kirkwall, setting up camp as far away from the Primeval Thaig as they could.
Nathanial approached Eve as she cleaned her sword.
"We need to talk before we go our separate ways." He told her, dark grey eyes glinting in the firelight. She bloody hated those words together in the same sentence, whatever followed was never easy to deal with.
"We do." She sighed. "Maybe somewhere a little more private."
He nodded in aquiscence and strode in to the near distance, far enough away they couldn't be heard, but close enough they could still be within the light of their camp fire.
"Why must you speak in private?" Fenris suddenly asked from his seat across the fire. He'd been acting a little strange since they'd found Nathanial. Glaring at her fellow warden in distrust.
"It's... complicated. To do with Weishauppt and the First Warden." She told him.
"Whatever you can tell him, you can tell me." He said, scowling.
"I'm trying to right some wrongs from my past. Things I'm not proud of, that few people know about,"
"That sounds like some pretty juicy information, Deadly." Varric interrupted, smiling at her.
"Of which you will never hear." She told him, growing increasingly pissed off. She turned back to Fenris. "When we get back to Kirkwall I'll tell you if you have to know. But at this moment in time I'm going over there to talk to Nathanial, I owe him that."
"Because he was your lover?" The elf accused angrily.
"No! Because I was his Commander first and foremost! Because I kept secrets from them all, because I need to know he won't fucking tell anyone else where I am!" She told him harshly and angrily. Was this jealousy making Fenris act like this? Hadn't she been honest about how she felt about Fenris? How she loved him? And he was getting bloody upset about her talking to a man she'd fucked but never loved and she hadn't seen or rarely thought of in six years?
"Eve," he began, his voice softer.
"No!" She interrupted. "Don't speak to me right now! Think about what you're accusing me of, and then remember all the things I told you only a few days ago!" She stormed away from him, hating how she'd been forced to talk about private things in front of other people.
"Still got your temper." Nathanial commented as she walked over, both of them now half hidden in the shadows of the abandoned Deep Roads.
"I've always had a bloody temper." Eve spat back, then realising her quarrel was not with him. "Sorry, I'm just pissed off right now. Being down here is not helping."
"It never was your favoured place to venture."
"Is it anyone's?"
"I suppose not." He looked at her. "You look the same. Even the hair." He commented wistfully. "So, tell me, Commander, what did the First Warden need to know that made you shirk your duties?"
She sighed, looked in to his questioning dark eyes, and told him everything. What it took to kill an Archdemon. The deal made with Morrigan, and Alistair's part in it. How there was a child, somewhere, with the soul of an Old God. She didn't leave out anything. The days of secrets were over.
"You never should have made that deal." He told her. "It is not up to us mortals to decide on the fate of Old Gods or ourselves."
"I bloody know that, but it's done, and I wasn't going to go to Weishauppt to suffer for it! I faked my death so I could be free from them!"
"But they should know what you did and they need to know that you're alive!"
"Are you going to turn me in Nathanial?" She stepped close to him, her voice quietly threatening. She was not going to lose her freedom now. "Are you going to turn me over to a man who sent you and those other Wardens to gather treasures that you still don't have and lost lives for?" She stood almost nose to nose with him. "A man who I know wanted you to find another red lyrium idol, because that is the only fucking logical reason to be down here. The very same kind of idol that sent Varric's brother mad, servant torturing, murdering mad. I was told all about the horrors that the idol led Bartram to. How he heard a song calling him, just like the darkspawn do, just like Wardens eventually do. That doesn't sound suspicious to you?"
"Alright, yes! He did want me to find such a thing! And it does sound suspicious!" Nathanial relented equally angry, taking a step back from her. "But you don't deny a request from the head of the Wardens!"
"No, you don't. Unless you pretend you're dead instead." Eve said quietly.
"Why didn't you say anything to me? You should have said something when he wrote to you, we spent enough time in each others company." He was no longer angry his voice tinged with sadness.
"Not talking, if I remember correctly."
"No, I'll give you that. But you still could have said something. I wouldn't have stopped you leaving, not that I could, but I would have liked to have known the truth, to not have mourned your death, to be reminded of it every time I passed that commemorative statue we had of you put up in the Great Hall."
"No one would have been the better for it, Nathanial. It was better no one else knew, no one to be implicated, punished in my absence."
"You were greatly missed, by many." He said, his tone soft. "I would ask you to come back now, that the Wardens at Vigils Keep would just be glad to see you alive, wouldn't judge you for your choices, but you won't will you? Especially going by the looks I'm getting from that tattooed elf you travel with."
Eve turned her head to indeed see Fenris glaring angrily at Nathanial from the small camp they'd set up.
"His name is Fenris. He learnt you and I were lovers once, I think he believes you're going to try and lure me back." It was so bloody ridiculous she almost laughed.
"If only." He sighed.
"Excuse me?" Her eyes locked with his, searching for the jest in his words.
"I always knew I felt far more for you than I got in return. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't think it would be welcomed."
"I..." She didn't know what to say, she'd never even thought such a thing, and it wasn't as if he was the only one she'd taken as a lover during her time as Commander.
"It's fine, Eve. I dealt with it. You don't have to say anything or apologise for it."
"I didn't know." She admitted.
"I had gathered that. Even though most everyone else knew how I felt. Especially Anders." He sighed.
"Oh, Anders. Fuck." She exclaimed. She'd almost forgotten about him. How she'd left him back in Kirkwall because she doubted Nathanial seeing to supposed dead people from his past might be a bit too much.
"What about Anders?" He asked puzzled.
"Well, when I first came to Kirkwall, apparently he was also not as dead as first thought..."
"I knew it! He kept talking about leaving the Wardens, about the mages of Thedas needing his help. I knew it was too convenient when we couldn't find his remains!"
"And he is also be the new living host to Justice." She may as well tell him everything, especially if it got him away from the awkward topic of his unrequited feelings.
"Makers breath. That is not what I expected." He uttered in disbelief.
"You're telling me." There was no point in telling him the change Justice and Anders had gone through in the years past.
"Look, for what it's worth, I'm sorry I made everyone think I was dead, but I was desperate. The thought of being forced to reveal the truth behind my continued existence, to know I'd probably never come back, destined to be a Warden prisoner or executed," all very real prospects, "I didn't feel like there was any choice. Can you understand that?"
"I think I can." Nathanial told her grudgingly.
"Are you going to tell Weishauppt?" She asked, trying to hide the worry in her voice.
"What would be the point? I don't want to condemn you to that. Besides, you did come here to rescue me. Because of you I'll get to see my sister and nephew again and return to Amaranthine." He gave her a ghost of a smile.
"Thank you, Nathanial." She breathed in relief.
"If you find yourself in Amaranthine again, there will always be a place for you at the Keep, even if it's only for a short while. The First Warden never need know." He told her.
"I appreciate that, I really do." She smiled at him.
"I don't think I can ever recall having ever seen you smile." He said, looking at her intently. "It certainly becomes you. Does that mean you've found some happiness here?"
"It took some time, but yes. I think so." As long as Fenris wasn't going to be so bloody insecure, as long as they could get out of the Deep Roads and they forget her Calling for a time. She thought on whether she should tell Nathanial about that, but what was the point? She'd already died the once, better not to have him think about her dying again so soon.
"I am glad." He told her and he sounded genuine.
"Are you... happy?"
He laughed suddenly. "Even I know I am one of the most morose men you will ever meet, but I'm as happy as I'll ever be I suppose. I always thought it a bit overrated anyhow." He gave her a small smile. "We should probably go back to the others, get some rest for a few hours before we go our separate ways."
Eve nodded, there was no more to say to Nathanial, and they both walked back to the fire.
Eve sat back down where she had been before and continued to clean her sword with an oiled cloth. She felt Fenris watching her, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction that she knew he did. Besides, he owed her an apology.
It was about an hour or so later when most of the others, including Nathanial, had fallen asleep, since she'd again offered to take watch, her tone brooking no argument, even though she saw Garrett wanted to protest because he knew she hadn't slept down here, and she wasn't going to, not after that hideous nightmare of hers.
She had taken to watching the flames of the fire dance and twirl in front of her, though she continued to concentrate on feeling whether there were any darkspawn nearby, when she felt Fenris take a seat next to her.
"I thought you were sleeping." She commented idly, not looking at him.
"I tried. I was unsuccessful." He replied, his voice quiet and deep. "I wanted to say I was sorry for how I reacted before."
"What did you think was going to happen just from talking to him?" She whispered, still annoyed.
"I don't know." She titled her head to look at him, he scowled in to the fire, the light making his skin shine gold and his tattoos luminous. "I cannot help feel jealous about these men in your past that seem to be appearing at every turn recently. And I admit that I worry about secrets you have, secrets like your Ca,"
"Don't say it." She interrupted harshly. "No one knows but you."
"You haven't even told Hawke?" He asked confused.
"You are the only one that knows, and, for now, it's staying that way. All I spoke to Nathanial about was the reason I left the Wardens. If you want to know that badly, I'll tell you when we get back to Kirkwall," and she'd bloody hope he didn't accuse of her meddling with blood magic and leave her.
"You don't have to. I reacted badly. I am sorry. I've always said I was glad for whatever reasons brought you to Kirkwall, and I still am, whatever they are. Tell me, but only if you want to tell me, not because of my petty jealousies."
She sidled up closer to him, taking his left hand in her right, her fingers smoothing over his tattoos and a scar he had on the tip of his thumb. "I love you, Fenris. I'd tell you every secret of my life if you wished to hear it. I don't want to hide anything from you, even if it scares me to tell you some of things I've done to ensure my survival."
"I would never judge you." He cupped Eve's face with his free hand, turning her to look at him. "You don't think I have my own secrets that haunt me? Things I've done because I was ordered to do them, or because I valued my life above anything else. I don't care what you have done, only that you are here now, and with me."
"I will always be with you." She pressed a kiss to his soft lips, wishing always could be so much longer than a year, wishing she had more faith in what waited for her after death so she could believe they might be reunited there.
Fenris pressed his mouth against hers harder, his tongue begging entrance, which she duly allowed, turning a sweet kiss in to a heated, lust building embrace, where Eve found it hard not to rid him of all that armour that kept his skin from hers.
"Hey there, love birds. Unless you're doing this so I can sketch you to put you on a cover of a new book I'm writing, you may wanna tone it down." Varric suddenly spoke up, chuckling, forcing Eve and Fenris to quickly pull apart and to remember they weren't alone.
"Venhadis." Fenris muttered, which only made Varric chuckle harder.
Eve leant closer to Fenris to whisper in his ear. "We'll be in Kirkwall within the next two days and then we're locking ourselves in your room for as long as we can get away with." She sneakily licked a trail up the shell of his ear, feeling him tremble under her touch. "And it won't just be your delicious ears I'm going to lick either." She pulled away smirking to herself.
"You are a wicked woman." Fenris managed to say after a few moments where he had seemed lost for words.
"You have no idea." She grinned at him. "But you will."
