Real Enough
16th March 2007
Firenze the Centaur still taught at Hogwarts alongside Sybil Trelawney and one evening after a rather remarkable discovery in the forest, which incidentally had interrupted his very important star gazing task, he made his way to the headmasters' office. What he hasn't realised was that Severus wasn't alone. He was in his private sitting room with Minerva, Remus, Harry, Pomona and Poppy.
"Firenze?" Harry looked over at him.
"Hello, Harry," the centaur smiled kindly at him before turning to Severus. "I was wondering if I might...have a word, headmaster," he said.
"Weren't you star gazing, tonight?" Severus asked.
Firenze had been talking almost non stop about his star tracking to everyone in the staff room and even to his students for weeks now and Severus had taken to simply rolling his eyes and drowning out the conversation whenever he was in the vicinity. Whatever was written in the stars didn't interest him at all. He'd made that perfectly clear.
"I was, yes, but...I...well, it's best if I show you...unless you are busy."
"Do we look busy?" the wizard scoffed, gesturing to his glass tumbler.
"Come in, come in," Pomona ushered him into the room. "The more the merrier," she said, happily.
"Ah, thank you, no," Firenze politely declined the glass that the enthusiastic witch held out for him. "I cannot stay. I must return to the forest. I am tracking the the alignment of the..."
"I hope you didn't come here to tell me about the ever so fascinating arrangement of the stars...again," Severus remarked, uninterested. Not even Minerva and Poppy's scowls could stop him from being, what most people considered, rude.
"No, no, I didn't," the centaur chuckled. "I know a lost cause when I see one. It's just that, well...I found something. Since it was on school grounds I decided that it would be best to come straight to you about it," he said.
"What did you find?" Severus asked.
"This," Firenze stepped towards him and held out the innocuous looking, but extremely powerful Resurrection Stone. "I know it's significance and I can sense its power," he said, "It would not be wise to leave it in the forest."
"The Resurrection Stone," Harry breathed, "I thought it was...lost."
"No longer," Firenze said.
"Did you...use it?" Harry asked him.
"I did not," he answered, solemnly. "For a moment I was tempted as I too have lost loved ones...but the price is too high. It is...a torment," he said and Harry nodded in understanding.
To be able to see your loved ones but not actually have them back with you was just as cruel as the Mirror of Erised; it showed you something that you could never have.
"I suppose...the only question is," Minerva began, nervously. "What do we do with it?" she asked. She, like the others, had heard from Harry just what the stone could do and she was very tempted to use it, as anyone would be and if given the chance she wasn't sure that she would be able to show the same restraint as Firenze.
Severus took the stone and examined it with a critical eye. Although he knew that it didn't actually bring the dead back to life, the thought of seeing Lily and even Albus again was impossible to ignore.
"Severus?" Minerva tried to get his attention and failed. "Severus," she repeated, louder and this time, he blinked up at her as if he'd been startled from a trance.
"It's still technically yours, isn't it, Harry?" Remus asked him, "Didn't Dumbledore leave it to you...in the snitch?"
"Yes...well, if it was even his to leave to me in the first place, but I don't want it," Harry shook his head. "I dropped it in the forest. I thought it was best if it never gets used again."
"Not an easy choice to make, I'm sure," Minerva said to him, sympathetically.
Before anyone could say anything else, Severus disapparated, leaving them all too stunned to move.
A second later, Severus was standing in the Shrieking Shack, staring down at the stone in his hand, he clutched it in his long fingers and waited. Then, without pomp or ceremony of any kind, he was suddenly joined by the first two people who'd ever cared anything for him in the world; Lily Potter and Albus Dumbledore. The only two people beyond the Veil that he truly missed.
They looked so real that it was almost possible to forget that they were dead. Lily looked so alive, so radiant and Albus looked just as powerful as he always had, his hand wasn't even cursed and his blue eyes were striking even in the dark.
"Hi, Sev," Lily smiled at him.
After all the years he'd spent wondering just what he'd say to her if he ever got the chance, for all the fact that he was renowned for his eloquence, for once, words failed him.
"Ah, Severus, my brave boy...I'd hug you if I could," Albus said, happily. "I know you dislike physical affection, but I must confess that I have greatly missed you," he said, gently reaching out to place his hand on Severus's shoulder.
Then, Severus found out why Albus couldn't hug him. The aged hand went straight though him, sending a shiver down his spine and the old wizard raised his raised his hand slightly so that it was hovering in the air just above the black clad shoulder. "Apologies," Albus whispered, and then stood back a little.
Severus had managed to progress to a point in his life now that he didn't weep uncontrollably at Halloween, neither did he drink himself into oblivion on the anniversary of Albus' death but it hadn't been easy. He'd always miss them both and the guilt he felt at their deaths was still there. Seeing them now was perhaps not his best idea and it brought back years of guilt and sadness that he couldn't repress.
Lily had died because of him and he had personally killed Albus. Nothing he'd done in the past and nothing he did in the future would ever change either of those facts. He'd go to his grave a murderer and he thought he'd at least come to accept that fact even if he'd never like it.
"I..." he breathed, trying to control his emotions. It was proving much more difficult than usual. His famed Occlumency shields, which were used to hide away his emotions, were on the verge of shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, threatening to take his iron clad control with them.
"Severus?" Albus tried to look through the curtain of long black hair which was obscuring the current headmasters' pale face. "Look at me...please," Albus pleaded but Severus just shook his head.
"I'm so sorry," Severus managed to say to them before he started to weep. "I'm sorry, Albus," he said, still hiding his face as tears fell from his closed eyes.
Despite seeing the man's portrait near enough every day, despite talking to him nearly every day, seeing the old wizard actually standing in front of him was different. He really hadn't expected it to be, but it was. It was even worse that he couldn't even touch him. Albus was always so demonstrative, be it a gentle hand on his shoulder or a soothing touch on his arm when the Dark Mark had burned, or even kind fingers raking through his hair when he was convulsing in agony on a hospital bed after a Death Eater meeting which had ended in torture. Albus, like any Gryffindor, wore his heart on his sleeve.
"I'm so sorry, Lily," Severus continued, "For everything...it was all my fault...all of it...the prophecy...you..."
"You made a mistake," Lily said, moving closer to him.
"If I'd listened to you...you warned me about them...and I didn't listen."
"You're stubborn," she said, fondly.
"How can you bear to look at me?" he asked, looking at her with eyes full of tears. "Are you even real?" he asked.
"Right now, I'm as real as you," Lily answered. "And I can look at you...because you're my friend. You always were and you always will be."
"But it's my fault you're..."
"Maybe, maybe not. He would have come after us at some point. We'd been openly opposing him and his followers. Maybe that's why he saw Harry as a threat...because we were too reckless."
"Now I know you're not real," Severus cried, "The real Lily would never say that."
"We're real enough, I believe," Albus remarked and watched sadly as the younger wizard shook his head in despair.
Severus leant back against the wall and looked away from them as he fell to the ground, sitting on the dirty wooden floorboards. He'd died in here once already and now it felt as though he was dying again, emotionally rather than physically this time. He wasn't quite sure which one was worse.
"...Should've known better..." Severus scoffed to himself. "Of course you're not real," he said, looking up at them.
"If we're not real, how would I know that my mum taught you to play the piano or that you could pick locks by the time you were six or that you used to smoke or..." Lily listed, desperately.
"Because you're..."
"Or you had your ear pieced at one point just because your dad told you not to and you hated it anyway, or you don't like chocolate unless it's chocolate orange..."
"Clearly..." Severus took a deep breath, "You are...figments...from my mind. You know...what I know and you tell me...what I want to hear."
"Well, you won't want to hear this," the red head put her hands on her hips. "You were stupid to join the Death Eaters in the first place. You knew what you were doing was wrong but you did it anyway. You were angry and scared...but that's no excuse."
As she spoke, Severus rested his head back against the wall, a look of resignation on his face. "You've done horrible things," Lily said, "And you hurt me...you joined the group that wanted to murder people like me just because of who my parents were."
"I never cared about blood purity..."
"But you still joined them knowing that that's what they believed. And you hurt me. I thought you were my friend and I was trying to help you back then. I tried to make you see sense but you...you called me..."
"...I was angry," he muttered, weakly.
"I know," she said, her anger seemingly fading away. "And I shouldn't have turned you away like that. Maybe if I hadn't...things would've been different," she said, kneeling beside him.
"No...they wouldn't," Severus sighed. "I'm...so sorry," he reiterated, "I'm sorry I ever called you...that name and I'm sorry that my actions lead to your...death."
"And I forgive you," Lily said, "If you forgive me for not accepting your apology all those years ago."
"You were right not to."
"No," she disagreed, "We were stupid children. Both of us. You're not a bad person, Sev," she told him, smiling, "You just forget it sometimes."
"You know everything I've done?" he asked and she nodded. He didn't think to question why or how she knew, she just did and that was enough. "Then how can you say that?" he demanded, "I've done...terrible things."
"Yes, you have," Albus nodded. "But you regret them and you went above and beyond to make amends. You gave your life to set things right. A lesser man wouldn't have done that."
"I killed you," Severus breathed, trying to calm himself. "You were the only person to give me a chance...and I killed you," he said.
"Because I gave you no choice. There are a great many things I regret myself and that is one of them. I always asked too much of you but you always delivered, no matter what."
"I..."
"You know this already, but I don't hold you responsible for my death," Albus continued. "It was my own fault. When I touched that cured ring I signed my death warrant and you were well aware of it. You did what was necessary when I no longer could."
"You're not responsible for my death, either," Lily said. "You didn't kill me or James. We didn't have to stay and fight. We chose to," she explained, "I could have escaped that night. He gave me the chance to stand aside while he killed Harry but I didn't. I couldn't."
"I begged him to spare you. He probably thought he was being generous because I was the one who told him the prophecy in the first place, so he...Well...it doesn't matter, it was still my fault. I only told him so that I could improve my own standing in his ranks. I didn't know that it meant your son at first...but I still knew that someone would die and I didn't care. I only defected because of you," Severus admitted, "If it had been someone else...anyone else...I'd never have left him."
"You don't know that," she said and he shook his head at her. "You don't," she insisted.
"I'm not a good man," Severus sighed.
"Maybe not, but as Lily has already said, quite correctly, you're not a bad one either," Albus said, "People are far more complicated than that and nothing is ever quite that simple."
"I'm sorry," Severus repeated. He'd lost count of how many times he'd apologised to them but he had to make it count. They had to see that he was truly sorry even if he couldn't change what he'd done.
"I know," Lily smiled at him, "And I forgive you."
Severus could only stare at her in disbelief, his usual emotionless mask had been cast aside in the face of her forgives. "I forgive you, Sev," she repeated.
"I loved you," he admitted, quietly.
"...I know," Lily said, sadly.
"I always will."
"Sev...you're my friend...and I loved you too, but..."
"I...understand," he said, his silent tears still falling, "I knew you'd never...you loved Potter. I'm not a fool."
"Sev, please..." she pleaded.
"Don't," Severus said, "Just don't. I just...I had to tell you, at least once."
"I'm s..."
"No, you're not," he stopped her before she could apologise. "And that's alright," he said, taking a deep breath to try and stop crying. "You were my friend...before I ruined it all. That's more than I deserved," he added.
"You deserved a better friend," Lily protested.
"So did you," he countered.
But now, he'd gotten his tears under control but it felt as though the slightest thing could set him off again. He gently wiped his eyes and looked at them again. "How long...does this...last?" he asked, running his thumb over the stone in his hand.
"As long as you're holding the stone," Albus answered, "But...like the Mirror of Erised...it's not wise to let these things linger. You must let us go, Severus."
"I...can't."
"You'll see us again," the old man assured him, "Although I hope...and please don't glare at me for saying this...I hope, that it's not for a very long time. Live your life, my boy. You've earned it more than most. You were doing a fairly good job before this...headmaster," he said, smiling.
"Headmaster Snape," Lily said, "Has a nice ring to it."
"It does, doesn't it," Albus agreed.
"You're both...mad," Severus said, managing to smile ruefully.
"...One day, you will see us again," Albus said kindly after a moment, "Just promise me one thing. This is the last thing I'll ever ask of you."
"...What?" Severus asked, resigned.
"Don't keep looking back. You have a good life now. You have good friends. You have a remarkable family. You're not alone. There are people who care about you. Don't torment yourself with the past anymore," the old man practically begged him.
"Easier said...than done."
"I know," Albus said, "I..."
"I...can't keep it, can I?" Severus asked, unclenching his fingers from around the stone.
"It would not be advisable, no."
"I miss you...both of you," he admitted and they knew how difficult it was for him to say such a thing, even if they were merely figments of his imagination.
"This is not the way to remember us," Albus said. "Let go of the stone, Severus," he added, quietly.
"Not yet," Severus replied, still staring at it, "Just...one more minute."
About five minutes later, the door was thrown wide open to admit Minerva leading the way, no doubt with a 'Point Me' spell lighting her wand and the others following behind her.
Severus was still sat against the wall but the Resurrection Stone lay by his side on the floor and he was no longer crying. His eyes were still slightly red, so clearly he had been and he took a deep breath as they all entered the room.
"Am I to assume...that you are not...figments?" he asked.
"Figments?" Minerva frowned, confused. She lowered her wand now that they'd found him and shivered. It was warmer outside than it was in the Shack even though it was night and so therefore, quite cool outside. "We are not figments, no," she said, patiently, "Are you alright?"
She and Poppy knelt on either side of him while the mediwitch quietly performed a medical scan with her wand.
"He's not injured," Poppy reported a moment later.
"Not physically," Remus said, picking up the Resurrection Stone in a handkerchief from his pocket. He didn't want to touch it and run the risk of being tormented by the souls of the dead as Severus so obviously had done. In theory, if it didn't touch his skin, then it couldn't be used, at least that's what he hoped.
"He used it," Harry sighed, knowingly.
"They're...gone," Severus muttered.
"They?" Minerva asked him and he just nodded once. She placed a hand on his forearm and she could feel that he was cold even through the thick layers he always wore. He seemed to be genuinely surprised that she was able to touch him where the apparitions conjured by the stone hadn't been able to. So evidently, they were real. "It's freezing here. Come on, let's go back to the castle where it's warm," Minerva said to him, kindly.
Severus sighed and seemed to consider the idea for a moment before he pushed himself up off the ground, aided by his ever present mother hens, Poppy and Minerva. He was shaking slightly, presumably from the cold since it tended to aggravate his old wounds.
"Can you Apparate?" the deputy headmistress asked him and again, he nodded. "You go on ahead, we'll see you back there..."
She hadn't even finished her sentence before they all found themselves back in Severus' warm sitting room. The headmaster himself was slumped in his chair and Poppy threw up her hands in frustration.
"Of all the reckless...irresponsible..." she furrowed her brow.
One of the perks of being the headmaster was that Severus could manipulate the Apparition wards which he'd just done to allow himself to transport more than one person without touching them. A draining task and not generally a good idea but it seemed to be a night for bad ideas.
"You're welcome," he grumbled as he shifted in his chair so that he was more comfortable.
"As thoughtful as that was," Minerva said, "Was it really the best idea?"
"Probably not," Severus admitted.
"Here, Harry," Remus handed him the stone, still wrapped in his clean handkerchief. "It's yours," be explained.
"What're you going to do with it?" Pomona asked.
"...I think...I'll destroy it," Harry answered, heavily.
"That's probably best," Remus nodded.
"It doesn't make people happy...it doesn't bring back the dead, it just..." the younger wizard trailed off, looking at the despondent Severus. "It just shows you what you've lost," he sighed.
"A cruel trick," Severus said, "They weren't even real."
"They look real...even if they're not," Harry insisted, "That's what's so cruel."
Severus was grateful that they didn't ask him any questions after that and they seemed to understand his need for silence for the rest of the evening. When they were gone, Minerva stayed behind with him, watching him sympathetically.
"Are you really alright?" she asked him.
"...I will be," he replied with rare honesty.
It was generally only on the occasision that something truly dreadful had happened that Severus was honest about his emotions. Minerva learned to appreciate those times and to value the fact that he'd come to trust her enough to be so open with her. Trust didn't come easy to Severus, understandably, and it had taken years for her to earn his to such a degree.
"What happened? Who did you see?"
"Albus," he answered, "And...Lily. They looked...so real. So alive."
"I understand why you did it," Minerva said, "Merlin knows there's enough people I miss enough to want to see them again, but...it doesn't being them back."
"No."
"We don't even know if what you see with it is real."
"No," he repeated, staring into the flames burning in the grate. "But...he...wasn't angry with me and she...forgave me," Severus said after a moment. "They told me...almost everything I'd ever wanted to hear. Surely...if they were merely figments...she would have said everything I'd wanted to hear...she would've told me that she..." he trailed off.
Minerva sighed and stood from her chair. She walked over to him and tapped her wand against his glass tumbler. She vanished the scotch and filled it with water instead. Severus drank enough when he was maudlin and she hated to encouraged his drinking when he was depressed.
"We can't prove if what the stone shows people is real or not," she told him again. "But I think...I knew Lily well enough to know that she would have forgiven you and I know that Albus cared for you greatly. As we care for you now...you do know that, don't you?" she asked.
"I believe...you may have mentioned it...once or twice," he replied with just a trace of his usual sarcasm.
"Yes, because I feel the need to remind you on occasion when you act as though you're hated."
"Habit," Severus grumbled, feeling like a child being scolded.
"Even if I live to be two hundred years old, I'll break that habit of yours. You mark my words, Severus," she said, confidently.
He could only scoff at her as she smiled the same smile she always had at times like this and he had to admit, the thought that people actually cared about him, was a nice one. He'd never get used it even if he himself lived to be two hundred years old, let alone Minerva.
A.N. I read that the stone was lost in the forest somewhere and so I don't think it's completely unreasonable for it to have been found again after so many years.
