Chapter 45: Needs

Maggie

I was almost running through the cellblock, on my way to meet my sister. She was in her own cell, making her bed. This time, she didn't have Judith with her. Not that I didn't like have Judy around, but it made me feel like we had less privacy. Not that she'd ever remember all the things Beth and I have talked about, but whatever.

"Beth" I said, standing in the doorway. She looked up, spooked. She had dark circles around her eyes, and she looked even skinnier. I tried to ignore it, and started saying what I came to tell her. "I have some great news."

Beth tried her best to smile. "What is it?"

I couldn't say it, so I just held out my hand. On my one of my fingers, was a ring. Beth grabbed my hand, and widened her eyes. She looked up, her eyes asking the question. I answered by nodding my head very quick.

"O my god!" Beth said, tears of happiness in her eyes. She put her arms around my neck, and took me into a hug. "That's amazing! Maggie, you're getting married!"

I answered her hug, not able to speak. I was still so overwhelmed myself. I was going to be a wife. Glenn's wife. I was engaged.

Beth let go of me and looked me in the eyes. "I'm so happy for you!"

Her mouth had a sweet curl in it as a smile, but her eyes told a different story. She was still sad, broken, inside. I smiled sadly at her, and took her hands in mine.

"What is it?" she asked, suddenly worried. I shrugged.

"I just wish you would be as happy as I am."

Beth avoided my eyes by bowing her head and looking at the ground. "I am happy. I am. Don't worry about me."

"Beth…I know you're not telling the truth" I said, but she let go of my hands, and turned her back on me.

"I've already talked to Darren, if that's what you wanna know" she said coldly, making her pillow flat with her hands.

"And?" I asked. Beth stopped with what she was doing, but didn't look at me.

"I need to think it through." She then continued. I frowned, not understanding what she meant.

"You…love him, right?"

Beth nodded. "With all my heart. But….I think it's too soon. I mean…I don't even know. We just need some time."

I stepped closer to her and lay a hand on her shoulder. "We just want you guys to be happy. I don't like seeing you like this. You look terrible."

"Wow, thanks" she smirked.

"I don't want you to look like this on my wedding. You'll ruin every picture."

Beth looked up with a smile. "Yeah, that's the most important thing, huh?"

We laughed a little, but then I got serious again. "Really, Beth. I'm not telling you to make it up with Ryan. I'd like to see it happen, but it's up to you."

"That's what Darren told me" Beth sighed. I nodded, feeling a little guilty again. I again was telling her what to do with her life. And it felt so wrong. I decided to give her some space. She needed space to think.

"I won't tell you what to do" I said, making my way to the exit. She looked at me, and smiled. She tried to let me think she was alright, but I knew she wasn't. She was mentally all over the place. But I knew I couldn't help her. It sucked, though. It must've sucked for her too, to see me so happy with Glenn.

I made my way back to the watch tower outside, where my fiancé was waiting for me. He smiled as I walked up the ladder. He extended his arm and helped me up. As soon as I stood on my own feet, he planted a kiss on my cheek.

"You OK?" he asked, probably seeing my worried face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But Beth isn't."

Glenn and I sat down on the mattresses on the ground, and I lay my head on his shoulder.

"Still the thing with Ryan, huh?"

"Yeah. She's lost. Confused. And I hate it that I can't help her."

Glenn softly kissed me on my head. "She'll figure it out. Ryan's a good guy, and he cares about Beth. He'll give her all the time she needs."

I sighed. I then realized how positive Glenn sounded about Ryan. "You think of Ryan as a good guy?"

"You don't?" he replied calmly, which told me that he meant what he said. "Ryan may did some bad things in the past, but he's not evil. What happened to him in Woodbury….he didn't deserve it. I saw him, you know. Merle brought him with me, forcing me to tell about where we were stationed . Merle had beaten him up. I almost didn't recognize him. But I saw it was him. And I thought that he needed to get out of there just as much as we did."

"That's why you saved him the other day" I concluded, and I felt Glenn was nodding his head. I looked up at him, and smiled. "And that's why I love you."

He smiled, with a little bit of the old, shy, Glenn in him. I kissed him on the lips.

Darren

I opened my eyes, and looked at the ceiling. I rubbed my eyes, slowly remembering where I actually was. Glenn, the prison, Merle, Ryan, Beth, Beth, Beth…

I quickly opened my eyes, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I almost fell down, before I realized that I was in the top of the bunker bed.

"Good thinking, mate" I mumbled to myself, and jumped down. I wiped my hair out of my face, knowing that it will just look like crap again.

I peeked my head out of the cell, looking right and left. There was a lot of sunlight in there already, so I must've overslept a little. Merle's cell was empty, so was Michonne's.

While putting on a shirt, I heard footsteps nearing my cell. I was putting on my shoes, when I felt a shadow standing in the doorway. I didn't need to look up to know who it was.

"Hi, Carl" I said. The sheriff's son let out a grunt.

"How did you know it was me?"

I shrugged, and sat up. "No one can sneak around like you."

"I wasn't sneaking around" Carl said, crossing his arms over his chest. I nodded, trying to look impressed.

"Sure, man. Whatever you say." I stood up, and grabbed my jacket from my bag. "What's up?"

With that, I meant to ask what he was doing here. Carl gave his sheriff hat a little swing with his finger, looking pretty badass.

"I didn't see you this morning, and you were nowhere to be found yesterday, and the day before that you were with my dad to meet the Governor."

I smirked. "Starting to miss me? That's cute."

Carl snorted. I noticed he looked really wise for his age. How old was he? Thirteen?

"It's boring around here. That's all I'm saying."

"You don't know half the stuff that's going on around here" I mumbled, stepping out of the cell.

"What do you mean?" the boy asked, and I kinda regret saying it. I started walking towards the C-block, the cellblock of the group.

"Well, there's a lot of drama around here, but you don't really see that, do you?"

Carl snorted. "Most of the drama doesn't concern me. It's too difficult, and I'll just try to stay away from it. You should do that too, you know."

"So I can hang out with you, you mean?" I said, feeling a little honoured that Carl started to actually see me as sort of a ….friend. But it also scared me a little. Carl may be a few years older than Clem was, but it still made me think of her.

Carl chuckled, a little nervous sound. "You could say that."

We reached the cellblock, and sat down at one of the metal tables. I didn't feel like eating now, so I decided to just sit there.

"How's your dad?" I asked, and I saw his mood go from jokingly to down. He lifted his shoulders, as if he didn't want to talk about it.

"He's been talking to Daryl and Hershel this morning, I don't know what it was about. He's been walking around, thinking. I think the Governor-situation is starting to take its toll."

I saw the worries on the kid's face, and felt sorry for him. I could not actually say I knew what he was going through, but I can imagine that it sucked.

"He'll figure it out" I said, trying to sound supportive. It didn't sound the way I had it in my head, but it seemed to cheer Carl up at least. He nodded, and looked up.

"You know, you're probably the only person who really talks to me."

I frowned. "You talk to the others too, right?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I used to talk a lot with Beth, but not anymore. She and Ryan broke up, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Can't do much about it."

"I guess not."

I then heard a loud, patronizing laughter. I glanced over my shoulder, and grunted.

"What? Not happy to see me?" Merle said. I noticed Carl lay a hand on his belt, probably where his gun was. I frowned.

Merle made his way over to us, and stood next to Carl. "Make some room, boy." He turned his head to me. "I'd like to have a little chat with your friend."

Carl looked at me, and I nodded. Carl stood up, and left. Before he disappeared, he glanced over his shoulder.

"How cute" Merle said sarcastically. I turned back to him.

"What do you want?"

Merle tapped with his fingers on the table. "Small talk. A descent conversation. We didn't have one since you got here, am I right?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I was quite happy about that."

"Well, sorry, bud," Merle said "but it had to happen once."

I folded my arms. "I'll ask again; what do you want?"

"Your help" he said, which surprised me. I lifted my eyebrows, and chuckled.

"You want my help? I thought you were smart enough to already know the answer; never."

Merle grinned mysteriously. "Yeah, I thought you would say that. But I think you'll change your mind when I say that you can save all these people here, including your new friend, if you help me."

I stared at him, slowly moving forward. I let my arms rest on the table. Was he telling the truth? "I'm listening."

Merle let one of his legs lean on the metal bench, and made himself comfortable, as if we were just chilling. "All I need you to do, is get me Michonne. We'll snatch her up, and deliver her to the Governor."

I widened my eyes, and my jaw dropped. "No fucking way!"

"I knew you would say that too" Merle smirked. I stood up from the bench, and shook my head.

"No way I'm doing that. Ask someone else to do it."

"So, you do want it to happen?" Merle concluded, and I wanted to tell him I was not. But actually, I couldn't really argue about it. I wanted these people to be save. At all costs. But I didn't want to pay the price. At least not directly.

I suddenly remembered what Carl told me. About his dad. About Rick talking to Daryl and Hershel. About him walking around, deep in his own thoughts. He was also struggling with it. But did he want to do it?

"Maybe" I said after a while. "But if you want to do it so badly, do it yourself. I won't make my hands dirty about it."

Merle snorted. "You already did, man. You already did."

Ryan

"Damn it!" I said out loud, standing up. I threw the gloves on the ground, and ran with my fingers through my hair. I was really screwing things up. Again. I didn't know what was holding me back. OK, I did know. It was just too obvious.

But I didn't want to think about it.

I walked through my lab, the dust flying up around me. I was sweating like an animal, my shirt glued to my back. How long had I been in here? Not since Rick and the others came back. And how long has that been? A day? Maybe two?

I turn my head slightly, to look at the sunlight through a small gap called a window. The bars in front of it make long shadows on the floor. Suddenly, I felt the urge to just walk up there, and climb out. As in an escape. It suddenly didn't make any sense to me. All this…it was just too complicated.

When the organisation I worked for exposed the world to the virus, I tried so hard to get out of here. I succeeded, and about a year later, I was back. Locked up, again. For the same purpose as before. But the second time, I was the one locking me up. Not some sick general or something.

I stood under the window, and breathed in the fresh air. After my escape, I had been surviving in the wilderness. It probably was the best time of my life, just being on my own, killing dead people, grabbing food from every possible place, and doing whatever I wanted. It may sound crazy, hearing me say I liked surviving in a world ruled by the dead, but after being locked away for a long time, it might just be the best thing that can happen to you. It's the idea of freedom. In this world, every living soul is free. And I'm talking about the living, not the undead. You're not being ruled by any government or army. There's no one above you. At least, not if you choose to have someone ruling over you.

I lifted my arm, and let the warm sunlight shine on my skin. If I counted it correctly, this was the fourth time I was locked up somewhere. First, after my internship and later my job in the underground of the CDC, then in this prison, then in a basement in Woodbury, and again in this prison. But each time, I survived. Even though the claustrophobia was killing me, I survived. There was always something that kept me going. First, I thought I was doing something amazing. I thought I was saving humanity, healing people. Turned out I was doing the opposite.

The second time, I only focused on keeping the cure in the right hands. I was the only one knowing the origins, and it was what kept me alive. If I truly wanted it to stay in the right place, I probably should've killed myself. But I didn't, because then it would get in the wrong hands easily. Maybe things would've turned out far worse if I died then. Maybe walkers would shoot lasers out of their eyes or something. I kept giving those idiots small tips, not the right ones, but just a little push in the wrong direction, only steps away from the right one.

The third time, in Woodbury….I had her. I had Beth to stay alive for. She and the others would be safe, as long as I 'worked' on the cure. I thought about her, every night. Every second I had room for it in my head. She was the person that kept me going. When I felt like blacking out, or dying, I thought of her. And she would magically bring me back to live. I dreamt tons of times of her dying. Sometimes she would be trapped in a burning building, other times a herd of walkers would eat her alive. But I knew that none of them were real. There were only three times I knew that what I had dreamt, was going to happen. The first time, I dreamt of my dad dying in a car accident. I told him that morning at breakfast, but he just kissed me on the forehead and went to work. 8 hours later he was dead. The second time, I dreamt of the virus I had created, and what it would do if it ever came out in the open; the walkers. It was what started this whole thing. Still, I failed to prevent my dream from becoming reality. The third time I dreamt a vision, was Dale's death, and the fall of the Greene Farm. I had been right about all of them. I had this fear, this cold feeling in my chest, that would make his way up my head, and turn into this high tone, a constant noise that would turn out as a scream.

But that was never when I dreamt of Beth. Because at the end, I would always find a way to save her. I would always get her out of any situation, and we would be together again. That was the thought I kept in mind while working on the cure. I was saving her from that burning building.

Then, the fourth and last time I had been locked up. When I stood there, with my arm in the warm sunlight, I realized that I was not prisoned by this lab.

I dropped my arm, and narrowed my eyes slightly. These walls weren't the things locking me up.

I was the one locking myself up. I imprisoned myself. It was just as Beth said. I was isolating myself.

"You're a fool" I mumbled to myself. I made fists of my hands, as I walked out of my lab.

Beth

"Shit" I cursed, as I ripped the fingernail off. Another thing ruined today. I sure was good at screwing up everything.

I stood up from the bed, and walked in circles through the small cell. I had been thinking about it all day. About doing it. About going there, and tell him.

But I didn't have the stomach for it. Something was stopping me, and I didn't know what it was.

"Honey?" The voice of my father dragged me out of my own thoughts. I looked up, to see him sitting on the stairs. He stood up, leaning on his crutches. "Are you alright? Maggie and I are worried about you."

I rubbed the blonde hairs out of my face, trying to look presentable, and made my way over to him. "I'm good. You don't have to worry."

Dad narrowed his eyes, and lay his hand on my cheek. "You've become skinny, dear. Have you been eating properly?"

I avoided his eyes, and nodded. "Yes, I've had breakfast this morning."

Dad lifted my chin with his hand. "You know I know when you're lying to me, don't you?"

I looked him in the eyes. "I know."

"Then why are you doing it?"

I swallowed a lump down my throat, feeling my eyes burn with tears. I didn't know why I felt like crying all the sudden. "I just don't want you to worry about me."

"But that's what fathers are supposed to be doing" my dad said, taking me in his arms. I rested my head on his chest, and I felt really safe there. "What's on your mind?"

I sniffed my nose, wondering if I should tell him. Normally, I would talk about these things with my mom. But she wasn't there anymore.

"I don't know what to do" I said with a soft sob. My dad softly rubbed my back.

"About what?"

I was really glad I didn't have to look into his eyes. "Ryan."

The rubbing over my back stopped for a second, as if he progressed the words. Then he continued, and I was kinda relieved.

"Do you know how you feel about him?" he asked. I sniffed my nose again, and thought about it.

"Yes. I know how I feel."

"Do you know how he feels about you?"

That didn't take me long. "Yes."

"Then, what's the problem?"

Through the tears, I still managed to smile. "You make it sound so easy."

"It is easy" my dad said, letting go of me. He looked me in the eyes.

"But I think it's too soon" I said, and my dad thought about it.

"It could be, but why be hasty? If you truly love someone, you'll do anything to be with that person. You know what your mom always used to say?"

"Don't mix mayonnaise with mustard?"

My dad chuckled. "That too. But the other saying."

I licked my lips, remembering the words. "The heart is the compass of love."

My dad nodded. "Exactly. If you love him, all you need to is let your heart guide you."

I let go of my dad, suddenly feeling the need of space. I took a deep breath, and lay one hand on my chest. A little to the right, at the spot where my heart should be. I tried to focus on that spot, asking that pumping muscle what I needed to do. I felt the strong rhythm in my hand, and I could swear my heart slightly jumped up from the energy.

I looked at my dad, who nodded supportively. I smiled, and closed my eyes.

I thought of Ryan. The first time I saw him, when he came walking on the field of our farm. Carl had just been brought in by Rick. I could see him, in the grass.

The moment, when he came into the kitchen, and said I made nice orange juice. The first time I blushed, and he grinned.

When he ran outside, getting claustrophobic. I came to see if he was OK, and we talked.

When he put his arms around me. When he kissed me, after I hurt myself when we went looking for Sophia in the dark.

I went over all these moments. Moments like the ones where he found me in the forest, and he told me he loved me. When I told him I felt the same.

This one probably was the happiest moment of our relationship. From there on, everything started going downhill. But I didn't want to think about that.

I needed to think about the happy moments, the moments that made me fall in love with him.

A smile appeared on my face, and I opened my eyes. I looked at my dad, and I saw he had tears in his eyes.

"Dad? Are you OK?" I asked worriedly. He nodded his head, and wiped a tear from his eye.

"You're back" he managed to say. I was confused. My dad took my face in his hands, balancing on his one leg. "Right here, I saw you again. My Beth. You brightened. You opened up. You've found the right way."

I lay my hands on his elderly ones, and smiled. He was right. All this time, I had felt a strong pressure on my chest. It was gone now.

"Now" my dad said, sniffing his nose. "Go do what you have to do."

I nodded, and started walking towards the dark hall. With every step, my pace started to fasten. I started running, finally feeling some life in my legs that had been stumbling with a baby in my arms. Now, it was time to take care of myself.

I turned around a corridor, and there it was. The lab. I didn't hesitate, but stormed through the door.

"Ryan!" I called, but I got no answer. The lab was empty. The bottles, papers, pencils, tables, everything was still there. But not him.

I quickly ran around, calling his name, but he wasn't there.

I turned around, and ran back through the hall. I wanted to return to the cellblock, when I saw there was another hall leading to the lab. There was light coming from there. I stopped running, and stared at it. It was sunlight, which means there was a way outside. I wasn't familiar with this part of the prison. What if I ran into the broken part, where walkers crawled around every corner?

"C'mon, don't be such a pussy" I grumbled to myself. I marched over towards the light, my heart beating fast. I realized I didn't have a weapon with me. I'd take my chances.

When I made it to the light, I had to blink my eyes a little. I took another step forward, protecting myself with my arm.

When I could see properly again, I noticed a figure. A guy, with wide shoulders, and dark blonde hair. He had his back turned on me. He stood at the other end of a catwalk. Under us, was the courtyard.

I felt my heart beating fast again, but not because I was afraid.

"Ryan?" I called, and he turned his head slightly, but didn't turn around fully. I stepped towards him, certain of what I was doing.

"Hey, Beth" he said, a little awkwardly. I stood not far away from him anymore, but I think it was enough for now. "Didn't expect to see you out here."

"Yeah, I suddenly felt the need of fresh air" I said, trying to sound normally, but I didn't feel like it. I saw Ryan's cheek go up, as if he was grinning. Smiling. I wished I could've seen it.

"The air's not as fresh as it used to be" he said. "I'm sorry that I ruined it. But I'll make it better."

"Don't worry about it, it wasn't really your fault." I buried my hands in the pockets of my jeans, trying to look cool. But I felt just like the first time we met, in my kitchen. "Ryan, I've been thinking. About us."

"Me too." While he said it, he turned around. I was a little shocked by his face. He had tears in his eyes. Tears all over his face. He had been crying. Over me.

He bowed his head. "Sorry. I know guys are not supposed to cry."

"No, it's OK" I quickly said, and he grinned goofily.

"Beth, I don't want to go on like this" he said, and he really meant it. Just like he said he loved me.

"Me neither" I said, taking another step to him. We could look each other directly in the eyes.

"I miss you" he said, slowly lifting his arm. "I can't help it."

He softly touched my cheek, his rough fingers feeling cold on my skin.

"We can fix that" I said, with a slight smile. I grabbed his hand in mine. "But it takes time."

Ryan looked down at our hands. "I know. I can wait."

"Good." I planted a kiss on his hands, full of small wounds and scratches. Ryan's eyes brightened, and I finally saw life coming back in him. Just like it did with me. We needed each other to stay alive.

He pushed his lips on my forehead in a kiss. "I think that's a good start, isn't it?"

"It sure is."