The world has absolutely no sense
She sat on my lap, curled against my chest as I drank the coffee.
"Thank you," I said with a half-smile, my arm still firmly around her waist.
"I was thinking," I began, "about Jasper. And his ashes," the words felt wrong.
"Bella, everyone's...gone." I said slowly. "And the wedding," I swallowed a mouthful of coffee, quelling the lump that was forming in my throat. "Maybe there's something we can do? To include them? Symbolically?"
My brain was churning through fog, not quite able to make the connections. I felt hungover, my head hurt from the grief and my body ached from what I had done to try to rid myself of said grief.
The pain in his words seeped into my bones. He was officially without family.
I worked fast, thumbing through ideas in my head, one hit me, perfect. We were going to say our vows on the beach, so this would work very well. Plus, I would love to do something for Renee. I'm sure Charlie would too.
"Edward, there's this Japanese lantern ceremony. It usually takes place after three days of giving tribute to lost family members or friends, but essentially, we would have paper lanterns, that we would write a small note inside and set them on the water to guide the spirit." I twisted in his lap, the blanket covering his chest shifted down.
"Would you want to do something like that? If we have our ceremony on the beach, I mean, we could offer lanterns to everyone who comes. It would be a nice way for us to include everyone."
I set the cup down on the table to free my hands, holding her tightly. "I'd like that."
We'd both lost people profoundly important to us who would have been at the wedding. By participating in the ceremony, we would have a visual reminder of their presence in our lives. "It's perfect," I added, pressing my lips to her head. "Thank you."
The movers came to the apartment later in the afternoon to load the boxes, pack his mattress and drive everything up to his house.
We had our rehearsal party tonight at the house, I wasn't quite sure if Edward was still up to it. He hadn't said anything to the contrary, but I wanted to be certain. Everything was being catered, so we didn't have to lift a finger, other than to get dressed and show up.
We were almost to the house when I turned to him.
"Are you sure you're okay with tonight? We can change it to another night, tomorrow, or whatever. I don't want to make you feel pushed into being social if you aren't up to it. Everyone would understand."
He glanced at me from the corner of his eye as we turned toward the driveway, the moving truck was already there, waiting for Edward to open the door.
"Let your troubles fall behind you, let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you and I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain"*
"Positive," I reassured her. "There is nothing more pressing or important to me than this wedding."
Mostly.
It was true. This was the most important thing in my head. Was there lingering sadness over the loss of the last bit of family I had? Of course. But, it was time. All the ties had been cut to this life and I was more than ready to move on into my new life with Bella.
I reached out to touch her thigh the way I had on our first commute to the house, rubbing it lightly. "The best thing for me right now is to be with you and move forward with everything. I welcome the distraction."
The garage door opened ahead and I parked in the empty space furthest from the door to allow the movers ample space. With a quick kiss, I stepped out of the car and disarmed the alarm for the men, directing them toward a spare bedroom I used for storage.
Slipping a cigarette between my lips, I nodded toward the deck.
"Can we just... sit... for a minute?"
I followed Edward out to the deck, the smoke caught in the light breeze and swirled away from us.
"We can sit for however long you want."
I maneuvered easily to sit on the railing, crossing my ankles. I angled my face to better see his. He had pulled a hood up over his hair and it was casting shadows along his eyes and forehead.
I could hear the movers shuffling in and out with boxes, talking low to each other about size of the house and the lucky kid who owned it.
I listened to the water moving beyond the deck, the birds squawking and the trees moving in the wind.
When I had enough of everything, I started blocking the sounds one by one, keeping the movers in the background.
"We have a few hours before we have to get ready and the caterers won't be here for a while. Was there anything else you needed to do today?"
"Well," I thought for a minute, "I'm going to smoke this pack of cigarettes and kiss my fiance." I smiled half-heartedly. Both were true, but I hadn't thought beyond either.
The water moved in swells from the wake of a passing boat. I watched the movement, thinking about the lantern ceremony Bella suggested.
"I guess I'll need a shower," I added as the smoke escaped the corner of my lips and curled into the sky.
"What should I wear tonight?" My eyes drifted up to the edge of my hood, resting at my brows. "Will you just pick something?"
Extending a hand, I met her gaze with pleading eyes, my brows drawn together. I craved contact, someone, something beside me. Not just anyone. Bella.
"Hope brings you luck, doors open up.
And if you should fall, I'll catch you dear."**
I twisted my fingers in his and pulled him closer.
"I can help you do that. I bought a dress. Nothing fancy. Just, you know." I shrugged.
"Ang talked me into it." I laughed quietly.
I used one leg to reach out to his, hooking him behind his knee and holding him in place. I smiled up at him.
"You are all sorts of beautiful and if my heart was still beating, you would definitely make it skip all over the place." He exhaled a cloud of smoke over my head and smiled.
Score! Smile. All mine.
"I really am still completely blown away that you are standing here, for me. With me." I chewed at the inside of my lip for a moment before continuing. "I wished, but never believed."
"You framed the sun
Shot out the stars
You paled the sky
And hung the moon."***
"A dress, huh?" I moved between her legs, bracing myself with a single hand against the rail. Her legs wrapped around my hips, ankles locking behind me. The smile spread.
"When do I get to see this dress?" Our noses brushed as my lips ghosted against hers with each word.
"You... are breathtaking. And I may never believe that you're really mine. Forever."
Thank god I couldn't faint, because sometimes, his words mixed with his light kisses and intoxicating scent, completely send me over.
Smiling into his lips I spoke gently, "You can see the dress later. After we shower."
I moved suddenly when I heard the movers declaring their last trip into the house.
"They're done." I nodded to the house. "They're wondering where we are so they can let you know."
Before he could back away, I curled my hand into the hood of his sweatshirt, pulling his lips to mine. He was like every sweet dessert and corresponding spice wrapped into a delicious package made just for me.
I let him go after a brief moment and was rewarded a quiet groan. His fingers speared through the hair under the hood as she shook his head at me and sauntered off to find the moving guys.
*Rob Thomas, Little Wonders
**Better Than Ezra, Scared Are You?
***Better Than Ezra, Hung The Moon
