April 20

Dear Diary,

I hung out with Jacob today. He seemed different, withdrawn. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. I'm worried about him. I asked dad to read his mind but apparently Jacob's blocked it. Dad got nothing from him. Mom said that Jacob's okay; he's probably just having a rough time. I told her that I can't help him if I don't know what the problem is.

"Maybe this isn't your concern Nessie," she said to me. "He has the wolves to deal with; maybe something has happened with them. Let him be." When her back was turned, I stuck my tongue out at her. I know she's right; not everything revolves around me, but still. I want to help and I can't. That drives me nuts.

Dad is worried. He said that Jacob only blocks him when it concerns us. When he doesn't want us to know something important, Jacob suddenly starts reciting Poe in his head. Reciting Poe surprised me as well; I had no idea he liked him. I'm a fan of Edgar Allan Poe; I have his entire collection in my room. But I didn't think Jacob would be the type to like him. But then again, people find ways of surprising me.

Take Carmen for example. It turns out that she's been secretly hanging with Kaitlyn this entire year. Kaitlyn is such a bitch; she's been trying to find out information about my family and myself to expose me as the "freak" I am. And she enlisted Carmen to do it. So much for her friendship!

Guess how I found out? One of Kaitlyn's cronies, Emily, told me. She said that if I expose her she will deny it and since it's my word against her, I will look like the fool. I promised anonymity but don't trust her. Just because she said something doesn't mean she actually cares. She's looking to benefit herself and no one else. Seems like Kaitlyn's crew.

I thank God that Carmen doesn't know my secret. I'm sure she told her a few things, but luckily it's nothing that can link me to being a vampire. Sally was shocked when I told her. "I'm your best friend; you know that I would never tell anyone. I love you too much for that." And that is why Sally is my best friend; she is just awesome.

Nathan was pissed! He wanted to teach Carmen a lesson. I told him that shedding a human's blood was no way to react. He told me that he wasn't talking about killing Carmen. "That would be too good for her," he said. No, he wants to royally embarrass her in front of the whole school. "We expose her for the fool she is and Kaitlyn won't want anything to do with her." I don't know if I want that though. Yes, I'm hurt about what Carmen did, but she was a friend. Or so I thought. Do I execute revenge of some sort? Or act indifferent and hope everything blows over? Revenge shows I care, indifference shows I don't. If she and Kaitlyn are doing this to get a rise out of me, retaliation shows they have succeeded. But indifference does not give them any satisfaction. Decisions, decisions….

Leslie knows. I don't know if I told you that before. Nathan told her against his better judgment. But he said she's his best friend and if mine knows, why not his? I trust Leslie; she was awesome at cheerleading camp last summer. She totally took me under her wing this year and I love her dearly. I'm so glad that I have one more year with her.

Speaking of that, we are starting to look at colleges. My parents want me to go someplace without much sun so they can visit. I want to go to NYU. There's something about a college in a huge city that seems exciting. Aunt Rosalie is all for my decision, my parents not so much. I think we'll plan a trip to see what they offer, along with the U of Seattle and the U of Alaska. I promised them I would look at those schools as long as they looked and NYU. They agreed. I know they think I'll give in to them. I will only if I think it'll be the right choice for me.

Oh! I'm going to Volterra this summer for a month. It was mom's idea. She thinks that I should learn some things from Aro, Marcus and Caius. "You won't be a human forever," she told me. "Might as well learn from the best." Is she on drugs? I mean, seriously? I told her the best vampire education for me was my family. She agreed, but wants me to get to know Aro. I wonder if she has a plan.

Dad is completely against the idea. He knows how ruthless Aro is and what if he doesn't give me back? There's talk that he might want to keep me in Volterra and join the Volturi. I don't want that! I want to experience the rest of my human life and then experience my existence. How the hell can I do that if I'm trapped at Volterra?

Grandpa Carlisle is siding with mom. He is so naïve when it comes to Aro. He doesn't believe that Aro would kill his own kind without cause. I reminded him that I was the "cause" for him to almost execute all of them a few years ago. Basically, you look at Aro wrong and he can execute you. I don't trust him, but Grandpa Carlisle thinks I'm being foolish. That my human feelings are clouding my judgment. What the hell judgment do I need if I don't trust the guy? Wouldn't the fact that I don't trust him indicate my vampiric side is alive and well? Maybe I can convince Grandpa Carlisle to go….

Nathan plans to follow to Volterra. He said he can't be without me. I reminded him that Aro isn't aware he exists; he might rain Hell down on him. "I can be discreet," he told me. Then he smiled. "It took you a long time to figure out what I was. I can surely fool that idiot." He has a point!

I haven't said anything to Jacob yet. Knowing him, he'll freak out. He seems to think that he knows what's best for me. I know he experienced the Volturi when I was younger, but this is different. Aro wants me to join them; God knows what he would have me do. I'm assuming if I am one of the Volturi, then he can get dad and Aunt Alice as well. It's no secret he's been campaigning for them for awhile. He can't understand why they won't leave the Cullen clan to be with "the best." Apparently, Aro has no concept of the word "family." So that's why he wants me; I can be the collateral to get them. I told mom this and she disagreed. "Edward and Alice would never join them and he knows that. He just wants to get to know the most unique person in the world. Who knows? Maybe after that he will realize that half-lings can exist and vampires don't have to be so afraid."

I think my mother is full of shit.

We are still ironing out the details of the trip, but it sounds like I'll leave the first part of July. They want me to have some summer at home. Italy in July should be hot…not to mention sunny. Great. So I won't sparkle and I won't tan. I'll be in a place where I don't speak a word and trapped in a castle with men whom I don't trust. Great summer for me!

I really hope Nathan makes it. They can be very persuasive about discouraging visitors and I'm worried that they'll hurt him when he refuses. Nathan is like my dad; they are both incredibly stubborn. But he's promised me that he'll keep his status a secret. Since he has pale skin like me, he says he can pass. I reminded him that his heart beats and his eyes are brown. "Contacts are great," he replied. He is still figuring out the heartbeat situation. In the meantime, I think he's nuts.

So yay, there's my big news. I really wish I had more to share, but I don't. Basically, I'm worried about Jacob, Carmen is a traitorous bitch, college is on the horizon and Volterra calls. Wish I had more to share….

A/N: The plot thickens….

Thanks for reading! I truly, truly appreciate all of you.