Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: Thank you for the lovely words on this piece, your thoughts mean a lot to me as does your excitement to read the love story within the story (I am smiling widely over what is coming your way).
This song, "Gypsy" is amazingly perfect for Meredith at this point in her story, her coming back, and Stevie Nicks is just … oh well there are no words to describe her everlasting talent. So Enjoy!
Chapter 22 – Gypsy
Lyrics for "Gypsy" by Stevie Nicks:
So I'm back, to the velvet underground
Back to the floor, that I love
To a room with some lace and paper flowers
Back to the gypsy that I was
To the gypsy... that I was
And it all comes down to you
Well, you know that it does
Well, lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
Ah, and it lights up the night
And you see your gypsy
You see your gypsy
To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear
I have no fear, I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love
She is dancing away from me now
She was just a wish
She was just a wish
And a memory is all that is left for you now
You see your gypsy
You see your gypsy
Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
And it all comes down to you
And it all comes down to you
Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
And it all comes down to you
I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes
And it all comes down to you
I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes
And it all comes down to you
I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes
(she was just a wish)
(she was just a wish)
And it all comes down to you
Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
And it all comes down to you
###
Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 1 of 3
"And a memory is all that is left for you now."
Reluctant as I was to let sleep come for me after I awoke, I had no choice in the end. Derek promised me I would wake up again and after fighting it with all I had; I slipped under into the abyss of sleep with Derek coaxing me there, whispering in my ear that he would be the first person I would see in the morning.
Sleep came easily once I acquiesced to what my body desperately wanted, and all I remember was the feeling of Derek's hand over mine, the sound of the hard rain as it splattered against my window and of course the energy of our bubble. It consumed me … anesthetizing me to the world once again.
Throughout the night I floated in and out of a deep sleep, my brain working overtime to self-check and regain awareness. Rachel, my nurse, came in several times – maybe even on the hour to check my vitals – and uninterrupted sleep was fine by me, for truthfully I was a bit scared to fall asleep at all. She smiled reassuringly every time I woke up and I smiled back, her kind brown eyes told me everything was okay – we communicated without words as she moved through her markers – she winked when she was finished, each time slipping out of the room without a sound, except for the slow creak of my door-swing.
After she disappeared I let my eyes wander to Derek's sleeping form to check on him. I noticed he was always in a different position – he wasn't sleeping soundly – but who could really blame him.
As Rachel disappeared this last time, I trained my eyes on Derek once again. He was laying on his back now, his right arm raised above his head, his left hand on his belly. His chest rose and fell as it should – up, down, up down – his breathing regular and steady from what I could hear over the storm that raged outside. I focused on his chest and tried to mimic his even tempo. Thunder had boomed all night long, but the storm seemed to be hovering over Grace now, maybe finally moving over and beyond us.
Movement was literally in the air.
Without warning – lightening struck outside – literally shocking my senses awake and for a split-second the entire room was illuminated and we were frozen in time. And in that moment, I felt the momentum of life call for me. I can't explain it, but I saw Derek – the real man, not just the dream of him – I was reminded of his precarious state: he was little more than a shell, battered and bruised, broken and glued back together. And this changed it all for me, because I wanted for him was what he so desperately wanted for me. I wanted to be able to absorb his pain and suffering … only to replace it with the living dream.
As the room darkened again, Derek rolled over, facing me, hugging his pillow tightly like a child. Thankfully, he did not wake up. The dim predawn light cascaded down and around him from the window there and all of a sudden it added an eerie glow to his skin tone – he looked like a fallen angel, crouching away from something fearful – yes, my once-lover, my devoted friend, my confidant in all of this was still slightly broken. His worry lines were etched into his handsome face, even now with sleep upon him. I saw a man who was strong for me, but crumbling away on the inside.
And then I remembered our chat again and I knew that some of that worry was alleviated, that the storm would begin to subside now that I was awake. And that the levees had been repaired and that maybe he was sleeping tonight because of our words to each other and our mutual commitment to realizing our dreams. And then I thought, just maybe, maybe I held that kind of power – maybe I could heal and repair him – just like he did for me. Yes, I was back and I would make sure of that. I would make sure the dream would never ever die and that we would live it out together.
"I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes … and it all comes down to you."
Part of me wanted to jump out of this bed and go to him … sleep with him … wrap myself up in him. I wanted to soothe him straight away without thinking so much about it. I wanted to take his pain and throw it overboard and start fresh. But Derek was in a strange emotional place, for while I was – gone, sleeping, healing – he was managing a host of his own issues. Namely his guilt-complex over my crises of hope, his treatment of my injuries and the tension and strain he carried with him in his longing for his second chance at his dream.
It was a lot, it was a lot for one person to absorb and rise above and I could only lay back and marvel at his tenacity and devotion. And as much as I wanted to start fresh – I knew we would never be able to – for we had a tumultuous past and he had betrayed me like no other. I knew Derek would come to terms with his betrayal and that we would overcome that and work through it together. Again, I had the luxury of the dream in which we already had.
I blinked, making sure Derek was still there and then I closed my eyes once again, perhaps for the last time before I would awake in the morning and the intrusion of life would truly begin to mingle with my dreams, for real …a time when the lines of life and dreams would invariably converge.
As I relaxed into the uncomfortable bed, I found myself going back to our talk again, for it was raging in my mind much like the storm outside. I recall that after some ice chips and much-needed ibuprofen, my throat had started to feel better. Derek performed a battery of tests and while he worked, he talked and talked about my case and his life. I could tell he kept the mostly one-sided conversation light – I knew he didn't want to overwhelm me – but I insisted on knowing everything … the good and the bad.
Our time together in those first few hours was exactly what we both needed, both together and apart from one another. I watched and listened to his real words and he spoke to me, leaving no emotion unearthed. And as time finally moved forward, I literally saw his eyes and spirit become brighter and brighter with each passing moment and I felt a host of emotions I never thought possible.
The fact remained, I still loved Derek very much and waking up had only intensified that love.
Derek's sincerity was palpable and his determination in being honest and open with me about his feelings and my medical recovery were nothing short of beautiful in my eyes. He talked his way through my case for the both of us – attempting to cleanse and heal himself in the process – opening himself up to his fears while I tried to calm him the best I could with my simple, rudimentary questions and answers.
We had intended to keep it light, for we had all the time in the world for serious and all-consuming – but nothing is ever light and superficial for us and over time I found myself having exactly the type of conversation I secretly craved.
Even now as I lay here in my deep sleep once again, focusing on the orbs of Derek's beautiful blue gateways as a means of relaxing myself… I had to wonder if all that I experienced since waking up was a dream. I say that because it was in so many ways … this is exactly what I would have wanted to wake up to find.
I would have wanted the impossible: to wake up and find Derek completely available to me in mind, body and spirit. Our conversation from last night was on instant replay in my head now – running a continuous loop – and so I dared myself to remember every moment of this new dream-reality I woke up to.
"I have no fear, I have only love."
###
"Can I get you something stronger than ibuprofen?" Derek whispered in my ear – his proximity shocked me and it was if no time had passed – chills ran down my neck, hitting my toes with full force, before the sensation ripped back up to my skull. His fingers laced through mine, a perfect fit, as always … his hot breath breezed across the nape of my neck in just the right place.
"No," I said cautiously, testing my vocal cords. "A mint?" I asked with a small smile.
"Sure, it might burn your throat a little at first," he cautioned with a smile. "But I get it," he laughed.
I watched Derek cross the room to his lab coat and fish out a tin of Altoids. He crossed the room again and opened the tin. I took one and he placed the tin on the table next to me. My gaze stopped on that bright green book – my heart raced and a shiver ripped up and down my spine – why was that book here? Derek sat down, his thigh touching mine; he reached up and moved my hair from my face. I stared at the book, suddenly drawn to reach for it.
"Where –"
"Do you want another blanket?" he whispered, interrupting me. "Sorry, you were saying?" he chuckled.
"No blanket," I said softly, thankful for the distraction. "I only need you," I added, surprised by my own bravado.
"Oh, you can't get rid of me," Derek chuckled, running his warm hand up and down my arm. "Didn't you see my cot over there?" he teased.
Hmm, so I was right, he had been sleeping in here. I smiled.
"You stayed," I said more of a statement of fact than a question.
"I stayed," he confirmed with a small smile.
"You're free," I announced.
"I'm free," he leaned in, planting his lips on my temple, healing me there, he smelled like home. I squeezed his hand.
"When?" I asked.
"About a week after you went under – everything was finalized – it was quick … it was …," he sighed, losing himself just a bit. "It was time. It was over and I was …," he sighed with a harsh whisper, trying to calm his voice and emotion.
But tears came and fell down his face with no inclination of letting up. I took his face in my hands and I forced him to look at me. I didn't say a word; for he needed to say more and I needed to listen. I ran my thumbs across his cheeks, wiping his fat tears away. He needed a clean slate and I needed to fill in the blanks so I could live in the here and now with him.
"I was consumed," he smiled. "With … you," he added. "Everyone knew it, Addison … oh and Mark, ah … Mark came and he whisked her away. It was better that way, I was … I was lost without you Meredith," he said, his voice cracking around the edges, he looked down and away from me, he was starting to break from the inside out. "I'm so sorry, I chose wrong, I'm sorry I broke you and I know that's not enough, but for now it has to be … I just don't want to upset you while you recover," he said rapidly, crying into himself.
Tears pricked my eyes while I let him have a moment. All I could hear was my heart pounding away in my chest while his head hung low.
"You told me," I said, my voice cracked, breaking through his cries. Derek's head shot up, his eyes locked on mine again. "About Mark … everything," I recalled.
"Yes, I told you everything, I talked to you all the time … you heard me," Derek said, somewhat mystified.
"You whispered," I smiled.
"Yes, every night, whenever I was alone with you – we all did, your friends too – but I told you everything," he smiled.
"Thank you," I said softly. My throat, rapidly becoming raw and tired.
"Welcome," he sniffled, breaking down slightly, his shoulders hunched as he shook his head.
I moved my eyes down to reach his gaze and locked mine on his. "I was lost too," I said carefully, reaching for his hand. I swallowed again, my throat engulfed in flames now. "Without you," I sniffled; tears clouded my eyes.
"But you found me, you came back," Derek said. He took my hands, kissed the tops and let them rest on the bed.
"I did," I said smiling.
"I'm not going anywhere," he confessed. "Are you ready for that?" he asked, his smile somewhat self-deprecating.
"Yes," I said, my heart went nuts.
"Are you scared?" he asked sincerely, moving closer to me.
"No … I was," I swallowed again. "I had a dream," I added, emotion clogged my throat up.
"You were dreaming … about what?" he asked, encouraging me.
"You … and me," I replied, tears covered my eyes again, Derek moved closer still.
"Good dreams?" he asked cautiously.
"Amazing dreams," I answered; my throat smoldering now.
'It was like this', I wanted to say. This could have happened in my dreams – this conversation, this cherished moment – this shift in our relationship, I couldn't have dreamt it better.
"Were you happy? Did I make you happy?" Derek whispered, so soft, so sincere, and even though we were alone now – I knew this conversation was meant for my ears only – the moment couldn't have gotten more intimate.
"Yes," I smiled, swallowing hard.
Derek passed a cup of ice chips to me and I fished one out and put it in my mouth, I was temporarily relieved of my pain. Derek smiled.
"Did you love me?" he asked, his unsettled eyes bore into mine.
"Madly," I said without looking away – it was a game of truth or dare at this point – he scanned my face, he looked like he was about to cry again, tears of joy I could only presume.
"Did you trust me?" he husked. "Because you have a lot of reasons not to, I know that," he added softly.
"I learned to," I smiled, for I trusted Derek with my life.
"Did we last?" he asked cautiously, so softly, over the lump in his throat.
"Oh, yes," I smiled, taking another ice chip, he moved his hand up to my cheek, it felt warm and soft and completely familiar.
"Can you do something for me then?" he smiled … my Derek was returning, his eyes glistened against the fluorescent light.
"Anything," I answered, my heart pounded.
"Promise me," he sighed, moving closer still. "That you'll show me how to be the man of your dreams," he requested quietly, his voice laden with emotion I had seen only a handful of times since I had really known him.
"I promise … yes," I said with a small smile.
He was overcome with emotion, for I had my dreams to reference my feelings for him, a luxury he did not have. The tortured look on his face just broke me though; it just did me in. Derek moved even closer still. He cradled my skull in his capable hands with gentle force. He stared at me then, I felt our bubble, strong and purposeful – nothing could break through – nothing; the force was so much stronger than the dream, for it was real and ever-present and all-consuming now.
"I missed you, I can't … I can't tell you how much, there aren't enough words…," he leaned in and kissed my temple, once, twice. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. His words seeped into my every nerve and I melted a little more, I awoke just a little more. "My love, longing … my love for you it's an antidote for everything – I've ached for this moment – right here and now, I swear it. This moment in time … Jesus, it's just like a dream … you came back to me," he said, crumbling slightly, falling into me, his warm lips on my neck, his fresh wet tears soaking through my flimsy hospital gown.
"But it's not … a dream," I said into his hair. "It's happening," I added, but it came out like a stifled sob from deep within.
I paced my hands on Derek's skull, pressing his head into my shoulder. Situating my fingers in his unruly hair, I pressed him to me. I held him like a baby as he sobbed with relief. He kissed the bare skin of my neck. I lifted his head and his eyes caught mine … and I tempted fate by closing that miniscule distance and kissing him fully on his mouth.
It wasn't a lustful kiss by any means, but it solidified the meaning of us – it signified that Derek and I were found – that we found each other again. It was a kiss of longevity and fortitude, a kiss that withstood the test of time and dreams and comas and secret wives and everything else in between.
It was a tender, loving, life-giving and calming kiss. My dry lips pressed against his supple ones, but I had no care for that, for in this moment in the here and now, he needed that kiss like it was the air we all breathe and so did I.
Derek pulled away first and smiled, I closed my eyes, I could still feel his lips pressed upon mine, even as the heat dissipated, the sensation remained. I opened my eyes suddenly and he was just where I left him, staring at me in wonder – so, it was true – this was no longer a dream. I smiled.
"You kissed it better," he smiled slightly.
"I did," I confirmed.
Derek leaned in. "Do it again Meredith … please," he pleaded softly.
And so I did.
"Hmm … minty," he chuckled, before kissing me once more. I smiled and pulled back, yawning slightly when I did. "You need sleep," he suggested.
I began my protests, but he won in the end. So I closed my eyes and let my mind roll over Derek and my feelings for him. I had no doubt, with my dream-memories intact, that it would have been hard to let go of them, it would have been hard not to strive for them … and the truth was I loved Derek still, way down deep … and in most ways, I never stopped, whether in my dreams or before they all began.
###
So as I felt the morning break and my body began to wake up, I listened for Derek again and there he was, just like he said he would be. I heard the soft timbre of his voice – maybe on a phone call – and he lulled me without even knowing it, coaxing me to take the chance … to live once again with him in the here and now.
I heard the swoosh of my door-swing – momentum, life, it was all there for the taking – then I heard it's faithful creak and I knew without a shadow of doubt that I had indeed arrived on the other side of this life.
"I have no fear, I have only love."
Chapter 22 – Gypsy – Part 2 of 3 to follow.
