Torchwood Files: The Year That Never Was

Chapter 54: On the Valiant, Month 12

A/N: This is the last chapter that has Jack trapped on the Valiant. Warnings for violence and major angst.

Thank you everyone for sticking with the dark times. I have "Kiss kiss, bang bang" written, but the updates will be a little slower after that. (I want to make my story as good as possible!) Thank you all for the reviews! I'm working my way through responding to them all, so if I haven't PM'd you yet to thank you personally, I will soon. Please continue to review, though. It's my goal to get 10 reviews for one chapter.

And now...back to the Valiant.

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Jack stared into the middle distance in front of him, not seeing anything. All he could do was think about Ianto and what he had lost. The blood of the men who had killed Ianto long since dried on his skin as he sat amidst the carnage.

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"I'm falling in love with you," Ianto whispered as he fell asleep with a contented sigh.

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A harsh gasp, almost a cry of pain, startled Jack. He blinked to clear his eyes. Ianto sat up. He rolled his head from side to side, cracking his neck. He groaned in pleasure as something popped back into place. His forehead was clear, no bullet-hole, just smooth skin.

Shit, am I hallucinating again? Jack demanded of himself. God, it's my fantasy come to life! Ianto alive again, unable to die... but I can't get caught in by it. It's just another of the Master's tricks. No, not the Master. Never the Master. Goddess, why can't I remember that? Saxon. It's just one of Saxon's tricks.

Fuck, but I've been here a long time.

"Well, then, come on," Ianto said, almost cheerfully. "Get me out of these cuffs and we can be on our way."

Jack scooted backwards across the floor away from him, his eyes wide in horror. His back slammed against a wall. "No," he croaked. "No." It's Ianto's voice! But Ianto's dead. I saw Saxon kill him! I saw it. There's no way he could be like me. I'm an impossible thing! I'm a freak, a monster, something not even the Doctor can stand to look at. I'm wrong. Saxon would know if Ianto's like me, and he didn't say anything. He'd be able to feel it, like the Doctor felt my wrongness. God! Why? Why? Jack squeezed his eyes shut and tried to calm himself. It didn't work very well.

"Jack, focus," Ianto said, interrupting his thoughts and startling him again. "I need a key for these cuffs." He looked around the room, saw the bodies, saw the blood. "Shit," he whispered. "Did — did you do this? Because they killed me?"

Jack started shaking. "No, no, no, no," he chanted, pulling his knees up to his chest. "Not real," he moaned. "Not real. He's gone."

"Jack!" Ianto struggled to his feet.

Jack darted away as Ianto got close to him. "Goddess, why are you doing this to me?" he shouted at the ceiling. "I loved him! I loved him and you took him from me! Haven't you done enough? Why are you making me see him? Why?" Jack tripped on a body and fell. He stayed where he was, sobbing. Goddess, just let this torture end! Please, I'll take anything, any kind of pain, just not this. Not him!

Ianto sighed and rummaged around one of the bodies until he found a set of keys by feel. His forehead scrunched in concentration, he unlocked the cuffs from behind his back. He dropped them to the floor with a metal clank. Taking a quick inventory of the room, he gathered weapons and undressed one of the bodies, throwing the clothing at Jack's feet.

"Get dressed," he ordered. Jack didn't move and he advanced on him. "Come on, Jack, we have to move!"

Reluctantly, Jack dressed. When he was standing and ready, Ianto handed him an automatic weapon. Without thinking he checked the clip and made sure it was loaded and ready to be used.

"I'm like you, Jack," Ianto said. "I thought Tosh told you! I don't know how it happened, but I've died dozens of times and come back. The first time was when I was picking up Alice and Stephen. A pair of Toclafane followed them. I threw Stephen into the boat and took out one of the buggers, then the other one nearly beheaded me as I was trying to help Alice. I came back to life in time to disable it before it killed her." He shrugged. "Knowing you, I figured out what had happened immediately."

Ianto paused and looked at Jack. "We'll always have each other, now," he said softly, a gentle smile on his face. "I thought you'd be happy," he added uncertainly when Jack didn't respond.

"If you were real, I'd be ecstatic," Jack answered in a rough, tear-choked voice after a long moment. "But a hallucination of Ianto telling me he's like me is more like torture. Something I'll never have. Something I'd wish for only when I'm being selfish. But I wouldn't want Ianto to go through life the way I do. I wouldn't wish this curse on someone I loved, even if it meant having him beside me."

"I'm not a hallucination. I'm real. Look, touch me." Ianto extended a hand to Jack, who shrank away, avoiding the touch. Ianto sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. "OK, let's say I'm a hallucination. Will you come with me anyway?"

Jack swallowed. "Where do you want me to go?"

"When you escaped last time, you wanted to get to the TARDIS," Ianto said. "How about we go there?"

"Um—" Jack paused, shifting the gun in his hands, considering his options. "Sure, why not?"

"Good. This way," Ianto said, leading the way. Jack fell in step behind him, a strange reversal of how they usually stood or walked. At the door to the room, Ianto produced more lock-picking tools from earrings on his other ear and got the door open. He turned left down the hall.

"I've been seeing and hearing things for months," Jack whispered as he followed. "They've been drugging me, killing me, torturing me. I don't know what's real anymore, half the time."

Maybe, just maybe, - maybe Saxon's so used to my wrongness that he's immune to the feeling, and Ianto's real? That he can't feel Ianto's wrongness? He shook his head forcefully. No! Ianto's not wrong. Ianto's never wrong. He always says he knows everything. If he knows everything, he'd know if this were real. He'd already know he couldn't die. And he'd have told me! I'm sure of it. Why would he keep that from me? If it were real, I could let go and love him. I could do it without fear. Goddess, how I wish that were true!

But I saw him die! I felt his blood on my skin. This can't be him. It can't be real. No way Ianto could be like me. I'm wrong, like the Doctor said, like the Master keeps saying. I'm a freak. The Doctor would've told me if there were another like me out there. Which means - this is a hallucination. It has to be. There's no other explanation.

"I'll help you figure out what's real, ashe," Ianto replied, unaware of the thoughts running through Jack's head. "We'll get through it together."

"You won't be able to," Jack said. "How can a hallucination help me figure out what's real or not?" Jack laughed harshly. "Ianto's dead. His body is on this ship. He can't be here if he's going to go back to normal. The ship is the eye of the storm. Anyone on it will stay as they are now, with their memories."

"So when everything's fixed, you'll come back to a Hub that hasn't been destroyed, a team that's not dead, but you'll still remember all this torture?" Ianto asked incredulously. "And no one else will? I won't?"

"Pretty much," Jack answered. He sighed and looked around, becoming more alert with each minute that passed. "Where is everyone? I've never seen the halls so empty."

"Don't know," Ianto muttered, distracted by his thoughts and worry for Jack. He turned down another corridor and froze. "Shit!"

Directly in front of them, a dozen guards stood, guns raised and aimed. Jack raised his own gun, determined to shoot through the Ianto hallucination. Bullets ricocheted off the walls and tore into Jack's body. In front of him, Ianto fell, blood blooming on his back from Jack's gun.

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***TW TW TW***

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Jack revived to find himself shackled in the boiler room again. It looked like it normally did, with no evidence of the bloodshed he remembered. He closed his eyes and let the chains hold his weight. He replayed the scene in the corridor in his mind, remembering reviving just in time to see Ianto's body being pushed out a door to the outside by a pair of black uniformed guards. He clamped his mouth closed on the scream that threatened to escape his lips.

What's real? he wondered. What's real? Was he real? Was he a hallucination? Goddess, help me understand!

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"I'm falling in love with you," Ianto whispered as he fell asleep with a contented sigh.

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"Ianto," Jack breathed, remembering.

"Yes, Jack?" Ianto asked, stepping into the room. Jack jerked on his chains, his eyes flying open. "You seriously didn't think that I'd leave you here, did you?" Ianto advanced. "Though shooting me wasn't your best move."

"Are you real?" Jack wondered.

"Of course." Ianto reached in his pocket and found the alien lock-pick device from the Hub. "Just give me a minute and we can get out of here."

"How?" Jack asked.

"I'm like you. I can't stay dead. I explained that already."

"That's what the hallucination said."

"Well, I'm not a hallucination," Ianto muttered. The first manacle fell away from Jack's wrist. "I wasn't a hallucination then, either."

Jack let his arm rest on Ianto's shoulder to support him as Ianto worked on the other manacle. His arm slipped through thin air. Ianto was gone as if he'd never been there. Jack hung by one arm. He struggled to get his feet under him.

Mad laughter filled his ears and he looked up to see the Master watching him. He scowled.

"Oh, this is fantastic," the Master exclaimed. "You actually think he's real, don't you?" He pressed a button on his laser screwdriver and the other manacle released Jack's arm.

Jack staggered and fell. He closed his eyes again in an attempt to tune out the Master's laughter.

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***TW TW TW***

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"Ianto?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"How long have I been here?"

"327 days."

"How long since I watched you die the first time?"

"Two weeks."

"And how many times have I seen you die since?"

"About twice a day, not counting the videos."

"But it's not real, is it? It's just more hallucinations?"

"Yes."

"And how many other hallucinations of you have I seen or heard?"

"Four or five a day, sometimes more when the Master's been especially cruel to you."

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"You're talking to me, Jack. I haven't been on the Valiant in weeks. The Master killed me, remember? Right in front of you. Then he shot my back to match with what you said you saw. He threw my body over the side of the ship and the Toclafane did their usual thing, tore his body to shreds. You watched that. He makes you watch a loop of the footage of my death at least once a day."

"So that's a yes? Yes, I'm crazy?"

Ianto sighed. "I love you, Jack. I don't care if you're crazy or not."

Jack snorted in amusement. "Great. A hallucination of my dead lover says I'm crazy."

"I said I loved you, too, or don't you remember what I just said?"

"I heard you. I just wish you got to say it to me before you died. I wish I had the guts to tell you before I left."

"So do I."

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***TW TW TW***

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"Ianto?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't. Not after Lisa. I promised you I wouldn't, and I always keep my promises."

"But if you're a hallucination, you might not be able to tell me the truth, because you're a figment of my imagination, right? You might not know what's true, since I don't know what's true anymore."

"I suppose so. But I'm real. I know the difference."

"I can't feel you when you touch me, Ianto. I think you're a hallucination this time."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

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***TW TW TW***

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"Ianto?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Are you real?"

"No, Jack. I'm just a hallucination."

"I wish you were real. I miss you. I want to hold you again."

"I know, ashe'ha. Believe me, I know."

"I love it when you call me that."

"I'm glad."

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***TW TW TW***

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"Ianto?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"How long have I been here?"

"361 days."

"Was the Doctor I spoke to last month real? Or was he another hallucination?"

"He was real. You could touch him, remember? You can't actually touch me."

"Only a few more days, then," Jack commented. "Then his plan will finally be ready to be acted upon. Then we can get out of here."

"Can I give you some advise?"

"Of course. I always welcome your advise."

"You need to build up your boxes again. You need to put all this torture behind you, so you can do what you need to do when the Doctor is ready for you."

"I've been trying. I only talk to you once a day! The Master's much happier now that I'm more 'fun' again." Jack sighed. "The Doctor was right. I have to distract the Master while I can. We don't have much time left. I can manage a few more days of his sadistic ways." He paused. "Shit, I said it again, didn't I? Saxon. I have to distract Saxon."

"I know you've been trying to build your boxes, and it's working a little, but you really need to make it work this time." Ianto paused. "And you have to stop talking to me. I'm holding you back from making it work."

"It's so hard to let you go," Jack protested. "I love you. I was wrong to run out on you."

"I knew you'd have to go with him, Jack. I know you needed answers that only the Doctor could give you. The real Ianto knew, too. He might be angry that you didn't leave a note, but he knows you had to go. I'm pretty sure he'll take you back when all this is done."

"When I go back, I'm going to make it up to you. I'm going to make you understand just how important you are to me."

"That sounds great, Jack. I'll look forward to it."

"I'll take you on a real date. I'll call it a date, this time. None of that 'it's just dinner' bullshit."

"I'd like that. Now, get working on those boxes!"

Jack took a deep breath and began preparing for the mental exercises necessary to re-create the boxes in his head to store away the torture and hallucinations to be looked at later, when it was safe to do so. He hoped that day came soon. He hoped Ianto would be there to hold him while he did it.

"Goodbye, Ianto," Jack whispered, resigning himself to another few days alone, without the Ianto hallucination that had been keeping him company for the last month. "I love you."