The Talk - Chapter Forty-Nine
Not mine. Its JK Rowlings. And before you read on I would like to tell you that the 'talk' in this chapter is a completely insane one and I do not agree with what she says, I just wanted to make out that the ministry were still morons, even after the war.
The day before the NEWTS arrived and they got the talk from Professor McGonogall.
'Any student caught cheating, which includes any type of charmed quill, cribbing cuff and other magical enhancement will fail all of their NEWTS. But I have another announcement; you will all meet in the great hall at four o'clock this afternoon to receive some instruction on life and other such things. Please be prompt.'
She left the room and everyone began chattering, 'life instruction,' what the hell was that? Hermione felt that it would lead to some embarrassing situations, why else would their Headmistress be so vague.
So rumours ran the mill, from people saying it was a test on how to determine whether you were entitled to curse someone's body parts off to the mad rumour that it was going to be a giant orgy.
Ron, who was evidently very suppressed and didn't realise that the best sex was in quality, not quantity, started the last. So at four o'clock, they gathered in the great hall and took their seats near a newly erected stage.
A woman came on, dressed in plum robes. She was chubby and had a conspicuous mole above her lip. Her face was red as if she had scrubbed it too hard and her nose had a bump in it. Her short brown hair hung limply, in an unflattering bob.
When she started talking, her voice seemed to have a south-eastern accent, and immediately annoyed almost everyone in the room.
'Hello boys and girls, I am sure that you know why you are here today, yes, we are here to discuss love.'
Several people looked surprised at being addressed to childishly, and several giggled when everyone knew the subject was not going to be love, it was going to be sex. But the witch ignored this and carried on.
'I am going to tell you the basics, and tell you about safe love. I might even have a few stories for you! So, lets begin with the obvious. What are the differences between a little boy and a little girl.'
Everyone groaned.
'A boy is different to a girl. A boy has a different,' and here she lowered her voice as if about to say something particularly shameful, 'reproductive organ, called a Penis. But a girl has,' a gulp, 'a vagina. And when a girl and a boy get older and they fall in love, they get married and have a baby.'
Hermione was trying to control her giggles, as Draco decided to heat this up a bit. He leant towards her and whispered seductively in her ear.
'She has no idea what real shagging is. How about we show her? I could pick you up, and take you hard and fast on that stage right now, make you scream my name so loud that people are deafened. Let her see the way your eyes go wild when you orgasm. I could rock your world.'
She shivered at this blatant turn on. He smirked and turned his attention back to this clearly deranged woman.
'And to make a baby, you have to love each other very much and then you make love and a baby is made.'
'A mans organ has to go into the female organ, and then as each person reaches their point, the mans little travellers go into the woman's hotel and if one reaches there in time, then a woman gets a baby. It takes nine whole months for a baby to grow and get ready before it can be born.'
'This probably all seems very disgusting right now, but in a few years time, you will start to find girls and boys attractive, then you can pick one to marry and you can have little babies.'
McGonogall had entered the room and was watching in disbelief at this clearly idiotic woman. How old did she think they were, five?
'But some boys and girls don't want a baby, and they have to stop it from happening. The best way to do this is not to make love, ever. But if you really are keen to share love with each other, then you can use a spell – 'Rigornis' – or you could use less reliable, muggle methods. These include a type of plastic wrapping paper called a Cordon and a type of pill. Another thing you can do is having a little injection. But this is wrong in many religions as if it is gods will that you have a baby, what right do you have to stop it?'
More sighs met this.
'I remember my first kiss very well, I was twenty-seven and fell in love with a man. But he tried to use me, so I stopped the kiss. But I had been tricked and had lost my first kiss to someone who didn't deserve it. That is why you should not kiss anyone before you are married.'
Draco turned to whisper in Hermione's ear again.
'Twenty-seven? Her first kiss when she was twenty-seven. And what the hell would she think of us?'
Even McGonogall looked shocked at the first kiss revelation. That was so not normal.
'So, you might like to know what will happen when you reach puberty.'
Everyone gaped at her; they were all 17 or 18, how the hell had they not reached puberty yet?
'Girls might start to develop things called Breasts. They are bumps on your chest, which a baby will suck on for milk – that is their only purpose. You might start to get hair in rather unexpected places, and you might start to smell, so you should shower daily. Plus girls will bleed once a month, because you have not fallen in love yet.'
Yet again, Draco whispered in Hermione's ear.
'Breasts, only one purpose? I don't think so. And it isn't just babies that get to suck them, after this, I am going to suck your nipples until you scream my name and I'm going to suck you until you come.'
Hermione whimpered.
'Boys might start to get a deeper voice, and these round things will appear next to your you-know-what.'
'You-know-what? God, it's a penis, a wiener, a sausage, a dick, a cock – call it what you want, but it is not an unnameable object,' Draco whispered to Blaise, earning a smirk for his trouble.
'You might even get some hair in unexpected places. Lets talk about how we can make sure the other genders do not notice. First, girls can wear something called a bra. It keeps your Breasts in place. At the end of this session, girls can be measured up if they want. Girls can also wear extra clothes so boys cannot see the difference. Boys can wear a magic cage around their organ to keep it little or they could get castrated, which is a good option if you are not attracted to females by the age of thirty or you have any other thoughts that are not wholesome.'
The headmistress had flushed red at her last words, always a danger sign. And this time, the headmistress spoke up.
'Excuse me, but I want to end now. How dare you say such a thing! If they are not attracted to someone, it is not their fault. I know a great man who wasn't attracted to females, one who would shock you to the core if you knew whom it was. A great man, one who gave his life to fight against the darkness. So I want you to get out of here immediately. Goodbye.'
And she promptly levitated the witch from the stage and out of the grounds. Madam Pomfrey took to the stage and talked to them.
'OK, I'm going to guess that you pretty much know what you're doing. Is there any questions about sex?'
About three hands rushed into the air.
'Macmillan?'
'I don't understand how we fit in or where the penis goes.'
'The penis is helped in by the female natural juices and if necessary, Lubrication. The penis goes into the vagina, you can't miss it. Abbott?'
'Does it hurt?'
'At first yes, because the boy must break through a special barrier and you may bleed but after that, it's pleasurable. Longbottom?'
'I'm not, but I know someone who is homosexual, is there something wrong with them?'
'Of course not, this person just feels differently to other people, and is following what they feel – they should be proud to stand apart, rather than to try and hide it.'
And with that, they all rose and left, people talking in varying degrees of shock at what that weirdo witch had said. Ginny was still laughing, Harry – having had no previous education in this subject – looked shell-shocked, Malfoy looked horny and Luna looked like she had just found a paticuarly nasty Nargle.
So, each couple returned to their dorms before dinner, needing some relaxation – or sex – before tomorrow. The most important day, for many, of their lives so far.
