May 2002-October 2002

She was still in the hospital, slightly bored. She could nap but she was almost too tired to sleep and every single time she closed her eyes, she imagined someone taking Emma away from her so she refused to sleep. Instead she flipped through the stations, stopping on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah's guest looked slightly familiar. His name was Dan and he was on the show talking about his boyfriend who died nine years earlier from swallowing pills. As she read the bio of the guest on the screen, her mouth dropped: "DAN: SAYS BOYFRIEND BRIAN DIED AFTER BUYING DRUGS FROM KNOWN MOBSTER." She sat up straighter, now realizing what was going on. Dan was Brian's boyfriend, she had only met him that one time when she had applied to Saks Fifth Avenue. Brian really had kept her separate from his personal life, she was starting to realize that now. He really had kept her away from the darker parts.

"So, you're saying your boyfriend hid his sexuality?" Oprah asked.

"Yes, one person knew but she never said anything. I don't think she did. She was a good friend of Brian's but she was dating his brother at the time so he kept her as separate as he could. He couldn't tell his family. The truth came out after he died and his family pretends he never existed."

"That's horrible," Oprah said.

"Yes but….yeah… he was never a drug addict. He killed himself after….well, he had a falling out with the female friend and he came back after the fight and then we fought and broke up. He cut himself off from everyone and-"

"He bought drugs from a mobster?"

"Christopher Moltisanti. Tony Soprano's nephew. I've been wanting to dig deeper into what happened and how he got the drugs….he had never touched them before and then suddenly-"

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said, putting her hand over her mouth. She looked over at her sleeping newborn and took a deep breath, "Hey, Em….I know this is asking a lot but if you could suddenly learn how to talk right now, that would be awesome."

Her eyes were glued to the television. Dan described the last night he has spoken to Brian. Brian had gone to a party on Long Island (the party where she and Barry got engaged), he had a huge fight with his friend (herself) because Brian believed the friend (herself) didn't want to marry his brother. Then Brian left and came back to the city and complained to him about the falling out which led to a fight between Brian and Dan which caused them to break up. Rachel was never referred to by name, simply as "the girl" or "the friend". Then Brian disappeared and was discovered a month and a half later by the friend (herself). Dan began researching the death and found some mob ties attached and he wanted Christopher brought to justice for selling drugs to Brian. Her mind was still fuzzy, still clouded but she knew. Christopher, that was Joey's cousin.

"So, I saw some baby just going to town on some chick's boobies. It was awesome," Joey said, walking in. Rachel looked at him, pretty sure the color had completely drained from her face. Joey looked at her and Rachel looked back at the television where Dan was continuing to tell his story to Oprah. She noticed Joey was watching now too. She felt sick.

"Oh, G-d," Joey said.

"Brian bought drugs from your cousin."

"Rachel."

"I knew he wasn't an addict. He….oh G-d. Joey, did you know?"

"I don't-"

"Please don't lie to me."

"When did Brian pass away?" Joey asked.

"Summer of 1993," Rachel said.

"I was living with Chandler."

"No you weren't. Not yet. You didn't move in until the fall. Where you before? And-and you moved into an apartment knowing you couldn't afford the rent and Chandler would have to pay it. Where did you live before?"

"L.A."

"You came home, Shane was dead and where did you stay?"

"I don't talk wanna about this."

"I do. Did you give him drugs?"

"No. No, I did not. Please believe me, I did not," Joey said as he sat on the bed and stared at her as she cried.

"Please tell me what happened."

"Okay….but I don't….Shane passed away in 1990. I was back in New York and I spent a three years couch surfing and one of the last couches I crashed on was my cousin, Christopher's and um….one day, this guy came by saying he wanted some drugs and Christopher sold them to him. I didn't think much of it until I was watching the news a few weeks later and there was a report on a dead body found in an apartment in the city and I put it together. I didn't know, please, please know that I didn't know. After, I got into a fight with Christopher and asked and then I found an apartment that I couldn't afford and moved in with Chandler. I needed to get out of there. I am so sorry, Rachel," Joey said, he was crying as well.

Rachel wasn't sure what she should feel. She thought she should feel anger, but she couldn't. She felt almost sorry for him. She had never really seen him be vulnerable with her. He was always so guarded.

"It's okay," Rachel said, gently touching his face.

"It is?"

"Yeah, Joe. I know it wasn't you."

"I didn't want that life. I ran from that life. Although, I will tell you something. Dan," Joey said, pointing to the television, "he's dead."

"Really?"

"If it hasn't happened already."

"Can you get it called off?"

"I-I don't think so."

"Please? Try?"

"I'll try. I'll say it was nine years ago and he's just bitter and forget about him. I'll try, but I can't promise anything."

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Rach."

"Does Chandler know? When you moved in and couldn't pay rent or utilities, what did you tell him?"

"Just that I couldn't pay it because I hadn't worked enough. I didn't tell him anything specific and he did ask a couple times in the beginning why I would move to a place that I couldn't afford and I said I needed to get away from some stuff and after awhile, he stopped asking."

"You owe him a lot of money."

"I know," Joey said, laughing.

"Like I bet it's like six figures."

"It is. Chandler and I figured it out. It's somewhere in the range of two hundred and thirty grand."

"Wow," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I really. I never wanted that life for myself, that's why I left. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had, I would have told Brian to get the hell out and go find you. Who would want to leave you?"

"Joe."

Rachel smiled as the two stared at each other. A strange feeling seemed to rise up within her. She almost felt like she wanted to kiss him. She leaned and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled at her as he got up and shook his head.

"I should go, I just wanted...I...I'll go find the boobies again," Joey said as he stumbled towards a chair and pulled a jacket off the back of the chair when she noticed a box fall on the floor. She watched as Joey picked it up and turned around. Rachel let out a gasp as she looked at the ring Joey had. It was the most gorgeous diamond ring she had ever seen.

"Yes," Rachel said, without really thinking. Joey looked confused.

"Excuse me?" Ross asked, standing in the doorway. Rachel jumped and noticed Ross. She realized what she was doing and looked back at Joey. What did she just do?

"What….oh, Rach-I-" Joey kept stuttering.

"What are you doing?" Ross asked.

"Ross," Rachel said.

"Did you just propose?" Ross asked.

"No, no," Joey said, standing up but still holding onto the ring.

"You just proposed," Rachel said.

"No, I didn't."

"But-" Rachel said.

"No, Ross is proposing," Joey said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"What? I'm not proposing," Ross said. "You just….and Rach, you just said yes?"

"No, no….no….I-I'm gonna go," Joey said, walking towards Ross, handing him the ring before walking off. Rachel lay there, staring at Ross still very confused by what had just happened. Did Joey propose? Was Ross? Did she just get engaged? She looked back at the television. Oprah was talking. Did Oprah hear any of this? Maybe she had an opinion? She looked back at Ross.

"You and Joey are getting married?" Ross asked.

"No, no...don't be ridiculous."

"You just said yes," Ross said.

"I-I-I don't know. I'm tired and he was there with a ring and-I'm-I don't know….were you going to propose."

"No."

"So, you just carry around rings just in case the mood strikes you?" Rachel asked.

"No."

"Ross, why do you have a ring?"

"Why did you say yes to Joey?"

"You first."

"You said yes."

"It was….I-why do you have a ring? Rachel asked. "Were you going to ask me to marry you?"

"No," Ross said.

"Okay?" Rachel was very confused.

"Okay….I thought about proposing. I wanted to propose...I want-well, do you wanna marry me?" Ross asked.

"No."

"'Cause you're married to Joey?"

"No….I'm...okay you had a ring in your pocket. Joey dropped it on the ground and I'm tired and I'm trying to absorb a lot of information. I said yes because I just did….I don't love Joey. It meant nothing…..but you proposing would mean something and you're proposing because we had a baby and we live together but still haven't fixed us and I want to fix us Ross. I want to make us work before we get married….again. Don't you see? I love you so much and if we get divorced….again….I won't be able to blame it on being drunk in Vegas. I want us to work."

"I understand. You don't love Joey?"

"Did you hear what I just said?" Rachel asked.

"Yes. I did. Well, how about this," Ross said, handing her the ring, "hold on to it. When you are ready, when you think we're ready, give it back to me and I'll take care of the rest."

Rachel took the ring and stared at it. It was a gorgeous diamond. Princess cut, stunning. She kept trying to take everything in. Everything was just so overwhelming. She had just had a baby and she was learning about what happened with Brian in addition to being proposed to or not being proposed to. She could feel herself choking up again and let her tears flow. She just needed to cry. Cry and nap…..Ross kept holding her, kissing her and comforting her.

She was so happy to finally bring Emma home. She was happy to be with her daughter, stay with her and be near her. She was on maternity leave so she spent a lot of time at home with Emma. Being with Emma took priority over any other drama with the group. Joey and Ross had fought over what had happened in the hospital and while she wanted to care, she just could not bring herself to care at all. All she wanted to do was sit and watch her baby as she hit one monthly milestone after the other. Chandler was going to move to Tulsa for work, which was stupid but Emma was starting to grow and she tried to design clothes for her little girl. She thought maybe she would know how to make them. She had wanted to find out more about Dan and Brian but she kept forgetting. Emma was more important.

Soon it was October and Emma was five months old. Phoebe had decided to come over to visit as she was the only one of the group who had a work schedule flexible enough to allow for frequent visits and Rachel loved those. She got to have grown up conversations about grown up things.

"I can't believe he moved to Tulsa," Phoebe said. Chandler had officially left for Tulsa for work the night before.

"I can't believe you shoved him out the door."

"He moved to Tulsa….I mean-can I tell you something? He makes it very hard for me to keep liking him."

"Pheebs."

"He keeps abandoning us," Phoebe said. Rachel squeezed Phoebe's hand, understanding exactly what she was saying. Phoebe knew abandonment better than anyone and Rachel knew that. She was familiar with being abandoned and Chandler kept leaving, kept vanishing. Whether he was in the grips of drug addiction or leaving for Tulsa, he kept leaving and Rachel knew Phoebe was taking it personally.

"He still adores you."

"I know. He should quit his damn job."

"He should….so Pheebs, tell me about your date?" Rachel asked.

"His name is Mike and he and Joey have never met. He set me up with a stranger."

"He had no idea who Mike was?"

"None. I set him up with my friend, Sue Ellen and he set me up with a stranger."

"Will you go out with him again? Mike?"

"I don't know. It's weird….but I like him. I actually like this guy. Except-well-"

"What?"

"I like him…..like really like him."

"So? That's good," Rachel said, she had never heard Phoebe talk about a guy like this. Especially one she had just met and it was a little strange that she seemed so nervous.

"When do I unleash the crazy?"

"What crazy?"

"Come on….I mean, anytime I've gone out with a guy, I've kept my past very well hidden and then if I tell him a little….and then he runs. I know it's way too soon but Rachel, I just get this feeling that if I tell him-"

"I love your story."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, it's a horrible story. Awful and painful and I wish every single day that I could go back in time to when you robbed Olivia's and just have given you clothes or been nicer to you. You fought back. You overcame so much to get to this point…..you're unbelievable and if that makes a guy run then he's an asshole."

"Thanks."

"I also would wait a few months, you know...see how it goes," Rachel joked. Phoebe laughed and reached towards Emma who was sitting on Rachel's lap. Phoebe picked up Emma and placed Emma on her lap. Rachel noticed her friend look a little sad.

"Are you okay, Pheebs?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. I'm lonely, I guess. I feel like everyone has someone and I've never had anyone...or anyone serious...even David, the Scientist Guy, didn't last long. I hope this one works."

"It will. I mean, who wouldn't love you Pheebs," Rachel said. Phoebe let out a sigh.

"Can we watch?" Phoebe asked, motioning towards the television. Rachel reached for the remote and turned on Days of Our Lives. Joey has a major plotline which both she and Phoebe loved.

After Phoebe left, Rachel reached for the phone. She dialed and was happy to reach Chandler. She felt she needed to complain to him and tell him he was an idiot. He really screwed things up by moving to Tulsa for work, for a job he hated.

"Why don't you quit?" Rachel asked him.

"I can't quit. I'm...Monica and I wanna start a family."

"And not being the same state as her will help speed that up?" Rachel asked.

"I can't quit...we need money."

"You have a trust fund," Rachel stressed, it was just so dumb.

"I can't...that's for when the kids wanna go to school. What about for the other stuff, like when they wanna eat and-and people like to do that at least three times a day and I've heard that it's more than three times a day for a children," Chandler said.

"You forced me to quit my job. I'd still be a waitress if it wasn't for you."

"No, they would've fired you eventually," Chandler remarked.

"Take the leap, Chandler. Find something you love to do...I'd always thought you'd be good at advertising," Rachel said, purposely ignoring the dig.

"Advertising?"

"Yeah, you're a pretty good salesman."

"When have I ever sold anything?" Chandler asked.

"Okay, you were able to convince Phoebe to name a child after you...and even though you walked out on Monica before your wedding...you were still able to convince her to marry you-"

"That's 'cause I'm crafty and me walking out before the wedding was not because I didn't wanna marry Monica. She knows that. It was just 'cause I don't always deal things well."

"Okay, alright, the fact that we're still your friends after you did that, after we spent three months making sure you didn't die in a pool of your own vomit...and you still convinced us to stick with you...yeah,. I think you should look into that."

"Maybe, I don't know. I just...I'm..I can't quit now-"

"And by the way, your company sounds awful. I was talking to one of my supervisors about you and she pointed out how ridiculous it was that they basically forced you to go without giving you the chance to discuss it with your wife and they're not giving you a raise or a place to stay. Who's paying for your hotel?"

"Me."

"Chandler."

"How are things with you?" Chandler asked.

"Home. Joey and Ross are…."

"They're becoming the new Joey and Chandler?"

"No, no….they will never beat Jandler."

"Chanoey."

"After the proposal, it just sort of got dropped….which I guess is good and Ross and I are getting along. I need you back here. I need my lunch buddy."

"I know."

Rachel let out a sigh as the conversation continued. As he talked, she looked at the television that was always on recently. She became distracted by a breaking news report. She began paying attention to the news instead. They had discovered a body and they believed that it had been a mob hit. Then they showed a picture of the victim. It was Dan. She gasped.

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Nothing. Nothing….just something on the news shocked me a little."

"What?"

"Brian's boyfriend. He died and the police say it was a mob hit."

"Maybe it was one of Joey's relatives," Chandler said, clearly joking.

"Maybe. Chandler, how much do you know about Joey's past….before he moved in?"

"Not a lot. I know he's related to the Sopranos. He tells us what he wants to tell us. I think he protects us from a lot of the information but…."

"Yeah. I agree."

"I gotta go, Rach. Work."

"Stay on the phone with me and quit," Rachel said.

"Bye, Rach."

They hung up and Rachel kept watching. She got up and walked over to Ross' computer. She logged on and immediately started researching. She had never been very good with computers but she was motivated. She typed in Joey's name. She typed in Brian's name and then got Dan's last name. She kept looking up information, the only breaks she took were to look after Emma. It was all so fascinating, so strange.

"Hey, Rach," Ross said as he walked in the door. She jumped at the sound of his voice. She didn't realize how long she had been at the computer. It was now dark outside.

"Hey….what are you….what-"

"The day is over."

"Oh my G-d."

"Have you been on the computer all day?"

"Part of it. Researching Joey."

"Getting ready for your wedding?"

"It's been five months, let it go."

"We were on a break," Ross grinned as he walked up behind Rachel and gently began massaging her shoulders.

"And you wonder why I would say yes to Joey," Rachel mused.

"I don't wonder. He's sexy."

"I'm glad you're getting along better."

"Yeah, well...with Chandler in Tulsa, neither one of us have anyone else to play with," Ross mused, "are you thinking of joining the mob?"

"No. Ross….Joey's cousin is Christopher Moltisanti. Tony Soprano's nephew and when I was in the hospital, I was watching Oprah and Brian's boyfriend was on it talking about how Brian bought the drugs he used to kill himself from Christopher. Brian died in the summer of 1993, a couple months before Joey moved in with Chandler. Joey was staying with Christopher when Brian bought the drugs."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah….Joey told me and now Brian's boyfriend is dead and…..wow…." Rachel said as she got up and walked towards where Emma was starting to get a little fussy. She picked Emma up from her crib and began holding her, rocking her as Ross sat down at the computer. He began reading.

"Wow….maybe you could marry him. You'd be mafia wife," Ross mused as Rachel walked towards him.

"I'm not marrying him, jackass, but it gives an insight into Joey. He does hide a lot from his past, you know? Think about it. Obviously, you, Mon and I know everything about each other but the other three? Chandler, Phoebe and Joey…..we know everything about Chandler's past, everything about Phoebe's past….what about Joey?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Ross said as Rachel handed Emma to Ross. She grabbed and chair and pulled it up next to Ross as they continued to play internet detectives. It made her realize how little she and Ross had really hung out in the last five months, despite living together. They were having fun, laughing, looking up chat rooms and playing. Being a family together…..having fun together.