Hey guys. Thanks for the amount of reviews on my last chapter, it means a lot (: So I decided that I'm gonna wrap this story up. I don't know how many chapters that will take but I'll just see how it works out. And I think that when I've finished the story I'm gonna think of a good sequel and upload the first chapter of that when I've got a few good chapters, so that's probably gonna take a while. Thanks for still reading my story and being supportive of it (:
Enjoy the chapter (:
Chapter 54 iConfuse myself
~ * Sam * ~
I sigh as Carly, Freddie and me get back at Bushwell from the iCarly fan day. Today's been crap and I'm not exactly sure why I feel so angry and moody lately. Why is life so confusing?
I get out of the car and wait for Freddie to get out impatiently. I sigh again as he gets out. ''Well…later Carls.''
I wanna walk up to our apartment and walk ahead of Freddie, rolling my eyes as I look back and see Carly grabbing his arm, whispering something to him before he walks after me.
When we reach our apartment I wanna walk inside but Freddie grabs my arm. ''Sam we need to talk, you're acting weird lately!''
I sigh and rolls my eyes. ''I don't need to talk to anyone. I wanna be alone for a while.'' I yank my arm back from him and walk into his bedroom quickly, locking the door so he can't come in.
I hear Freddie groan and walking up to the door, banging on it. ''You've got to be kidding me! You're locking me out of my own bedroom!''
I sigh and groan slightly. ''Just go and take your meds and leave me alone for a while!''
''Alright whatever, we'll talk later. I'll be in the living room.'' Freddie sighs and I hear him walk away.
I flop down on our bed, staring up at the ceiling. What's wrong with me? Why am I being so mean and distant to everyone? And by everyone I mean Freddie, Carly, Brad, Spencer and Marissa.
I think I do know though…sometimes my own emotions get in my way, I don't know how to deal with them, I've always had that problem.
Normally when I felt heartbroken and angry, I would just run away, away from my problems so I didn't have to face and deal with them, that is what I've always done, but I can't do that anymore, not after what happened last time…That really taught me a lesson.
So now, I do have to deal with my emotions, I can't run away from them anymore, and that's the problem, I don't know how.
When Freddie was diagnosed with PTSD, it was a slap in our faces. I wanted to be there for him and help him through it so badly, but he just pushed me away. He pushed me away and he was moody and mean in a way I've never seen him before and I started to wonder if that might have been the real him…
The only thing he cared about was school. He gave me zero attention and that hurt, bad. I felt heartbroken, I knew he was being like this cause of the disorder but it wasn't like he was totally out of it, he didn't have to be this extreme.
It wasn't just me he hurt this badly though, Marissa was having a really hard time dealing with him too. All Freddie did was yell at her and ignore all the worries she had for him and everything she tried to do for him. I felt bad for her.
She tried to hide how sad she felt when she was around me to try and be there for me, but I saw through that and told her it was okay for her to be sad and we tried our hardest to be there for each other and keep going.
Who ever thought I would get along with Marissa better than with Freddie? I love how we get along so good now but I would rather still just get along with Freddie very well.
When Freddie started to feel better and act more normal again Marissa was over the moon, she immediately forgave him for all the horribly mean things he did and said because she was so happy she had her little own precious Freddiebear back, but I couldn't do that. I was pissed and angry at him.
I still am. He hurt me, so bad that I just felt heartbroken. He can't just act like nothing ever happened and like he didn't do anything wrong.
The worst part is that he doesn't even realize it, he doesn't realize that he's caused me to act like this. And that's annoying as hell.
Maybe I should talk to Carly about this. Cause I don't only act this way towards Freddie but also towards the rest of our little gang, and they don't deserve that. I guess I'm just full of anger, sadness that has turned into anger, that's something my body always seems to do.
I curl up into a ball and sigh. I don't wanna be this angry, I'm sure Freddie didn't mean to treat me this way, he was under the influence of his disorder but it still hurt like hell and I'm not a person that can just forgive people in a second.
I reach over and grab one of Freddie's shirts that's over his desk chair, hugging it close to me and smelling it before sighing deeply. God I miss him… I miss his love and I miss his affection… But I can't just forgive him like that after what he's done to me… I just can't.
~ * Freddie * ~
I sigh deeply as I sit on the couch in my living room. After Sam had locked herself in our bedroom earlier she left for about an hour and when she came back she locked herself in there again before I could even say anything to her.
What the hell is up with her? I really don't have a clue. Sam hasn't acted this way for almost a year and I really don't know what's bothering her. I thought she knew she could talk to me about anything, that she didn't have to hide her emotions from us and especially not from me.
I walk up to our bedroom door, knocking on it softly. ''Sam, baby please…please come out.''
I wait for her to answer and roll my eyes slightly as I hear soft snoring, She's fallen asleep…
I walk back to the living room and flop back down on the couch, sighing deeply.
My mom sits down next to me. ''Are you okay honey?''
I shake my head. ''No…Sam's locked herself in the bedroom AGAIN.''
My mom sighs. ''I know, maybe she just feels really tired.''
''That's not a reason to lock yourself up. She's been acting so weird lately, something's really bothering her but I don't know what. Can't you try and get her out of there? Maybe she'll listen to you…''
''I already did while you were doing homework in my room. She just said she wanted to be alone.'' My mom shrugs. ''I'm sorry sweetie.''
''Oh…'' I sigh. ''Well thanks for trying.''
''No problem. And don't worry. Maybe she'll be herself again soon.'' She stands up and kisses my cheek before standing up off the couch and walking to the kitchen.
''I sure hope so…'' I reply and sigh again.
I take out my phone as I feel it vibrate and open a text from Carly.
Hey I need to talk to you, it's about Sam. Come over.
I frown slightly and then stand up. Talking about Sam with Carly has always made me feel like I'm gossiping about her. But in this case it's obviously needed, we all want to know what's going on with her.
''Mom I'll be over at Carly's. Later.''
I put on a sweatshirt over my shirt as I start to feel a little cold and then walk out of the door and over to Carly's, knocking on it.
''Come in!'' Carly says and I open the door, walking in.
''Hey.'' I say.
''Hi. Come sit.'' She pats the spot on the couch next to her.
I walk over to it and sit down, sighing. ''So…I really wanna know what's up with Sam. She's locked herself in our bedroom all day.''
Carly nods and sighs. ''I know, she told me.''
I frown slightly. ''She was here?''
She nods again. ''Yeah, she said she wanted to talk to me.''
I nod. ''Ahh. I guess that's where she went that hour she was gone then. What'd she tell you? Anything about why she's acting this way?''
''Yeah um…that's why I wanted to talk to you.''
Shit, Carly sounded really serious. I really hope that what Sam told her wasn't too bad. No matter how much I hate how she's acting towards me, I love and care about her more than anything and I don't want anything bad to be going on with her.
Carly sighs. ''Okay so…I don't think Sam wants me to tell you this but I feel like you need to know.''
I gulp and nod. ''Tell me…''
''So basically Sam just has a lot of anger inside of her, you know that kind of sadness that has turned into anger. She told me that she doesn't mean to be so moody and mean towards me, Brad, Spencer, Gibby and your mom but she didn't mention you…''
I bite my lip. ''I-I'm confused…why would she act this way towards me?''
Carly bites her lip. ''Because…do you realize the way you acted towards her at your lowest point about 1,5 month ago?''
''Well, kind of… I-I guess I was a little irrelevant towards you guys…''
''It wasn't just a little Freddie. You completely pushed all of us away. And I don't know if you realized but you've said some really mean things at that time…''
I bite my lip harder. ''I…I don't remember being that mean… whatever I did I never meant to, I was just pushing you away because I didn't want to hurt you guys with how I felt…''
''I guess I understand that, and I know you were under influence of your disorder and medicine but the way you acted towards Sam did was horrible…I don't know if you know, but she was over here trying to keep herself from having a breakdown every minute of the day. You really hurt her Freddie… you hurt her bad…I know you never meant to, I know you would never hurt her on purpose. But right now, Sam is pissed… You know she can't deal with her emotions very well, and instead of running away from them, she has now turned her sadness into anger, like she's always been used to. She's heartbroken Freddie…''
I gasp slightly. ''Oh my god…I did this…I hurt her so bad to the point where she feels
heartbroken…I'm a monster!''
I can't believe this. I did this to her! I hurt her and this is my fault! How could I be so blind? How could I think that after the things I did we could just continue happily like nothing ever happened? I'm not even exactly sure about what I did and what I said to her…But I know it indeed was mean. In the process of trying not to hurt her, I hurt her more than I would have in the first place…I'm a freaking horrible person…
''You're not a horrible person Freddie. You just need to think of how you're gonna fix this. Apologize to her, tell her that you were in a dark place and that you never meant to hurt her.''
I nod, looking down. ''Yeah I guess… How can I ever fix this though? She's not just gonna forgive me after I apologize…she might even push me away more. I'm such an idiot! How could I let this happen? I might fucking lose her over this!''
''Freddie relax! You gotta think positive okay. We'll figure something out, everything will be okay. We'll help you alright? I love you guys, I want you to be happy and I'm not gonna let this ruin you guys' relationship. Don't worry…''
I take a deep breath and sigh, nodding. ''Okay…I'll try. Thanks Carls…''
''You're welcome. Oh and I'd advise you not to bomb her with your apologies today, just do it gradually and be sweet to her.''
I nod. ''Okay, I will…''
''Good.''
Oh god… I feel horrible. I broke my wife's heart. I love her so so so much and I can't believe I let this happen! The guilt is gonna eat me alive for the next couple weeks. I have no idea how to fix this but I'm gonna do everything I can. Sam's my everything and I can't lose her, I'm a fucking idiot… I need to fix this…as soon as possible.
