A/N: Bwahaha, another chapter! I don't have any more written right now, but I swear I will have it done by next week's deadline, or I will personally shoot myself. That being said, please enjoy the chapter, it's really long and lots of stuff happens.
Disclaimer: I killed Cecilia the Azalea for framing me for stealing FMA. It's not mine, please don't put me in jail again.
Chapter 41: New Boyfriend
We entered my room and I shut the door behind us. Eric seemed not to realize where we were at first, but at the sound of the lock clicking into place his head shot up and he looked frantically at me. "No, I shouldn't be here. I'll just go, I'll be fine." He tried to leave, but I stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm.
"I can't just let you leave like this, Eric. You're a wreck, and I don't want you to hurt yourself. I can't let anything happen to you." I pulled him over to my bed and sat him down, seating myself next to him. "I don't know what's happened to you, Eric, and I'm not going to ask you to talk about it unless you want to. What I do know is that what happened with Jackson earlier affected you a lot and that the last thing you need right now is to be alone. So just let me stay with you, alright?"
A tear ran unbidden down his cheek, and a gentle sob escaped his throat. He did not say a word, but the way he buried his face in my shoulder and allowed me to wrap my arms around him comfortingly spoke volumes. He trusted me enough that he would let me see him cry, something he hid from the world. I was, possibly, the only person outside his family who had been given that privilege. I felt an honor deeper than I knew how to express.
After he had cried all his tears, I patted his shoulder gently and suggested, "We have studies to complete, do we not? Work first, and then we can rest." I picked up his bag from where it had been left on the floor and handed it to him, silently inviting him to study in my room.
He stayed, and we worked quietly for a while, until I heard a soft noise coming from him. I turned and realized that he had fallen asleep and was snoring. I chuckled to myself and then went over and took his book carefully away, shifting him into a more comfortable position and leaving him there on my bed to sleep for a while. I was relatively sure, anyway, that he was nearly finished with his work. What he had left could surely wait until morning.
I went back to my own studies, finishing an essay and then a reading assignment before finally deeming myself done. I stood, glancing at Eric, and decided to let him stay the night. It surely could not start any more rumors about us than were already circulating. I prepared myself for bed and found my spare blankets, laying out a bed on the floor. I had been tempted just to share the bed with him, but was afraid it would make him feel uncomfortable.
As I was about to lie down, Eric shifted and sighed deeply, opening his eyes slowly. "Ed?" he asked, "Did I fall asleep?"
"It's fine, Eric. You can stay for the night, I'll sleep on the floor." I sat down on my pile of blankets, ready to crawl under them and sleep.
"No, I'll just go back to my room. I don't want to trouble you." He looked embarrassed and guilty, as if he should not have fallen asleep in someone else's dorm.
"I can't have you wandering about at night, you look so exhausted that you would probably fall down some flight of stairs somewhere and get yourself a concussion. Just stay, you're not putting me out at all, I promise." He had started to untangle himself from the covers on the bed, and I tried to stop him, but he pulled away and continued his task.
"At least don't let me take your bed. I'll sleep on the floor." He finally released himself from the blankets and began to get up shakily, looking as though the little sleep he had gotten had been his first in about a week.
I stood and pushed him back down. "Stay. You look like you're about to faint. Just sleep, I'll worry about myself."
"No, I can't." He looked alarmed that I would do that for him. "I shouldn't trouble you, it's not polite."
"Has anything you've done to me so far been polite?" I asked pointedly, "I take care of my friends, Eric. Sleep now, I'll talk to you in the morning."
Reluctantly, he laid back down as a small smile graced his face. "You called me your friend," he murmured as he fell once more into slumber.
I was startled at his words. Surely I had called him my friend at some point? I couldn't have completely neglected showing him how much he meant to me. In my mind, I went back through various conversations that I had had with him, and I quickly determined that while I had definitely shown him that I liked him, I had never specified that I really thought of him as a friend. I felt suddenly very sorry to him. He had probably been living with that insecurity for a while, and I had not seen it, or done anything to help fix it. I vowed to call him my friend more often in the future.
Watching his sleeping face, I pulled the blanket just a bit higher on his chest. "Yes Eric, you've forced yourself into my life and made me your friend whether I wanted it or not," I whispered, though I knew he would not hear me. Smiling slightly, I added, "And I'm glad you have. I needed a friend in this place."
xXx
I woke the next morning to the rising of the sun, as I always did. I groaned slightly at the uncomfortable ache in my neck and back, and realized that it was because I had slept on the floor. I glanced up at Eric, who still slept soundly, and stood carefully to begin folding up my makeshift bed.
I put the spare blankets away and had just finished dressing when a sigh and then a soft groan from the bed told me that my temporary roommate had awoken. I looked to him with a smile as he sat up, rubbing his head and wincing.
"Alright there, Eric?" I asked as I continued readying myself for the day, turning to my bag to ensure that I had packed everything that I would need for the day. He seemed to be more exhausted than was logical, even with the long practice the night before and waking up at dawn for more training. I was worried. Had he taken ill and had not told me? Surely he would have, right?
When I spoke he looked up at me with wide, startled eyes. "I should not have stayed," he said, seeming upset with himself.
"I told you it was fine, Eric. I don't mind giving my bed up for a friend once in a while." I walked over and laid a hand on his shoulder.
"You should. I'm not supposed to...oh heavens what have I done?" His distress was rising rapidly. I wasn't sure what was wrong with him, but I did know that I had to do whatever I could to fix it.
"You did nothing wrong, Eric, I promise you. If you really feel like you owe me, you can treat me to breakfast, alright?" I patted his shoulder for emphasis.
"Don't touch me!" he suddenly screamed, throwing my hand off. He seemed alarmed at the action, and I knew that alarm was echoed on my own face. He sat there panting, staring at me with those wide eyes, both of us unsure what to do.
Out of sheer instinct, I dropped to my knees by the bed, feeling that having me staring down at him was not helping anything. "Eric, I have no intention to hurt you. Remember that. I want to help you, but I need to know what's wrong." Where had I gotten this sudden patience? You would have been proud of me if you could have seen it. "I won't touch you if you don't want that. Did I do something you don't like? I can apologize, if that's the case. In fact, if you want to you can walk out of this room right now and I won't stop you. No matter what's wrong, I'm not going to judge you. You're my friend and I only want good things for you, alright?"
Tears began crawling down his face. "I can't be sure that you won't judge me for this, Ed. I can't know that you'll be able to see how horrible a person I am and still be my friend."
"I promise I won't judge, but if you don't want to tell me then you don't have to. You can walk out of here right now and we can just pretend that this never happened." I looked at him pleadingly, my eyes trying to speak all the words that my mouth could not. Attempting to convey my desire to help, my care for him as my first real friend here, my hope to maintain that friendship.
"If I walk out of here...you'll stay my friend?" I nodded and he considered that carefully. "No," he decided, "If we're going to be friends, these things will have to be confronted eventually, and this is as good a time as any. I just...you really won't judge me when you hear what I have to say?"
"I really won't, Eric. No matter what it is, I bet I've been through worse." Cautiously in case he still didn't want to be touched, I took his hand and squeezed it, smiling slightly at him.
He smiled back, and returned the squeeze lightly. "And you'll hear me out, all the way to the end?"
"Of course."
"And you'll still be my friend when we leave this room today?"
"Absolutely." I shifted on my legs slightly—the kneeling position was awkward—but he patted the bed next to him, and I stood and settled myself there instead. Wrapping a careful arm around him and allowing him to rest one tear-streaked cheek on my shoulder, I prompted him to speak. He took a careful breath, and then began.
"I...I really like you, Ed. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, my very first friend." I hadn't realized that I was his first friend. He seemed like the kind of person who would be surrounded by friends. "No one has ever liked me, they all said that I was...strange. But you...you didn't scorn me for acting differently." Had he acted differently? Perhaps I was used to the people in Amestris, some of whom were even weirder than he, so it hadn't had an effect on me. I suppressed a shudder as the thought of strange people in Amestris brought with it memories of Major Armstrong.
"When I told you my theory of your being a spy, instead of outright denying my claims, you played along. When you said that I could become your friend, I was so happy I could have died. No one else would have given me a chance, but you did. As if that was not enough, you noticed things. No one has ever noticed anything about me before, not even my sister. I'd gone through eating disorders in the past, and no one had said a word; to be honest, half the reason I did it was to see if they would. But you.... Not only did you notice, you offered to help me. That was such an amazing thing that I could scarcely believe it.
"Then...then you protected me. You protected me with so little thought to your own wellbeing that I realized how much you truly cared about me, even though you didn't voice it very often. You even cared enough to understand that I didn't want to always be protected, but to protect, and you offered to show me how. The things you have done for me, Ed, both the things you realize and those you don't, are so many that I cannot name them all. But last night...last night was it. The way you turned into a lawyer and protected me even though you could have just brushed Jackson off was breathtaking."
He looked at me sheepishly at this point. "This is the part where you start to hate me," he murmured sadly.
I looked him firmly in the eye and told him, "Eric, no matter what there is hiding in your heart, you're still my friend. Remember that, and keep going."
A deep sigh, meant, I think, to sound exasperated and instead sounding tired, and then he continued. "It was that point when I realized I'd fallen in love with you." My breath caught, and he refused to look at me, almost pulling away, but I held him firmly with my arm and nudged him to get him to keep speaking. "That's why I didn't want to stay here, why I was in such a hurry to get back to my own dorm, where it would be safe, where I wouldn't have these feelings anymore. But you're too nice a person for your own good. You've kept me here, and now I've had to spill everything and you're going to hate me."
"I don't hate you, Eric." I said this in barely a whisper, so little air was behind it, but he heard, and I felt him relax, just a bit, against my shoulder.
"You don't?" he asked tentatively. Then, "Are you saying that...?" The partial question was so hopeful I hated the next words that I had to say.
"I don't hate you," I repeated louder, "But I cannot be that for you, Eric. I'm sorry."
He sighed, staring at his hands, and murmured, "I knew it was hoping too much that you would actually be homosexual. I knew it. I'm not supposed to be this way, why would anyone want me...I'm so stupid!"
I shook him slightly. "Eric, there's nothing wrong with the way you are. It doesn't matter to me whether you're a man or a woman or someone from the moon. I can't be with you because I already have a lover, and he is very important to me. I can't just give that up."
"Wait...he? Your lover is a man?" He looked up in extreme curiosity, though there were tear tracks on his face.
I nodded at him, smiling. "That is why we would never have been able to marry. Even where I came from same-sex marriage wasn't legal."
"But...you said you would never see him again. You're really going to spend the rest of your life being faithful to someone even though you have no guarantee that he'll be faithful as well, and with whom you'll never be able to be?"
"It's not about being with him," I sighed, "Though that was great." I thought of our last kiss before I gave myself up to the gate and shivered just a bit. "I love him so completely that I just can't imagine myself feeling that way about anyone ever again. That and...a little part of me wants to keep the memory of him fresh in my mind. I'm afraid that I'll forget him."
"How can you forget someone that you love?" he asked. "Never a day goes by when I don't think about my brother. His face may have dimmed slightly in my memory, but I still remember his smile, and the way he would ruffle my hair and praise me when I did something well. You don't ever forget the people you love, Ed. It's impossible."
The arm that I didn't have wrapped around him raised and I took his hand in my own and squeezed it. "I still fear it. Colonel Bastard was my one and only, the first person outside my family who could ever make me truly happy. There's nothing that could ever replace that, and I worry that his face will fade from my mind like my mother's has, like the faces of my best friend's parents, or like...like my father's."
"Someone you love that intensely can never be forgotten, Ed. Not completely." Without another word, without a single warning, he leaned up and kissed me.
My heart nearly stopped, but I couldn't reject him if I had wanted to. Which...I wasn't sure I did. Eric's kisses were extremely pleasant, now that I had the chance to really enjoy them. He was the only person that I had kissed seriously since you, and...to be honest I was a teenage boy with hormones who missed his lover. It took me several moments to put sufficient thoughts together in my head that I could decide to push him away, but by then he was already pulling from me with a satisfied look on his face.
"Remember though, Ed, that just because you have loved someone so deeply, does not mean that you cannot love again."
I looked at him in dismay. "Eric, please don't do this to me," I begged. A part of me wondered idly how he had become the strong, powerful one in this situation.
"I'm not going to push anything, Ed. But I have decided that I very much enjoy your kisses, and that I would most definitely like some more of them." With that, he flounced out the door, looking as if he'd gone back to his old self...with an odd new twist.
After he had left, I murmured to myself, "Have I gone from having a crazy friend to having a crazy boyfriend?" Part of me dearly hoped that was not the case. Another part was curious to see where this would lead. A third was screaming at me to get him into my bed as soon as possible, but I squashed that part viciously, as it was at the time highly influenced by too many hormones. A symptom of puberty, I am told.
I'm so sorry, Roy. Please don't kill me.
Suspense. I swear I have the idea for the next chapter all ready, I just have to put it into words. I'll get it done, I promise. Please review, it'll help encourage me to work harder.
