Chapter 48: She Is Worth It To Me

*Tobias POV*

I walk briskly to the Leadership Medical Ward, where Luke Clark has agreed to meet with me in his hospital room. I feel a little anxious; although I have technically interacted with him on numerous occasions, I have never met him as myself. I am now me again, I am whole. For me, this is really the first time I am actually meeting him. Although I only know bits and pieces, I am not blind – I know that there is some kind of relationship between this man and Tris. I am not blaming either of them, I know I was awful to her and basically gift-wrapped her and handed her over. But that time is over. I know that I will fight for Tris no matter what or who is in my way.

I have never considered myself a jealous person when it came to love. Probably because the only woman I have ever loved is Tris, and there is something to be said for loving someone so much that it consumes every part of your mind and body. It almost gives you this sense of security that the person that you love so much, must also feel the same way in return. I have never doubted her romantic loyalty to me, as my devotion to her could never be tested.

A memory filters in:

"Don't for a second think that I am interested in anyone but you."

I now find myself in a grey area, because my actions- although out of my control, still me nonetheless – have hurt her terribly. I have said things to her that were appalling. I have made her feel as though she was nothing. While at the same time, from what I have gathered, Luke Clark has always been there for her during the times that I failed her. I bite back tears remembering their loving embrace in the lobby the night of the Awards Gala, and his declaration of love for Tris when we were at Dauntless. This man genuinely loves her. She knows it, he knows it, and now I know it.

My mind is still reeling with the new information my brain is processing. I feel I have been trapped in a box of darkness and I am just now opening my eyes and was quickly presented a bad movie of my life over the last few months. The hardest part is reconciling myself as just being impacted by the memory serum, and then the experiences I had when Nita brainwashed me with her poison and video tools. I still can't believe that vile woman managed to inject herself with the serum. I would have enjoyed nothing more than dedicating my life to her slow, painful destruction. I need to forget about Nita and focus on the issue at hand. We all need to work together to make sure Tris is safe.

As I arrive to Luke's room I am quickly ushered in. There is a setup of monitors and numerous members of his team in the room, hard at work. The moment Luke sees me, he calls for everyone's attention and asks them to give us a few minutes alone. As they file out, my direct supervisor, Troy, pauses to say hello, and we shake hands. He already knows about the reversal of the memory serum and tells me it is nice to officially meet me.

As the last man walks out, he closes the door behind him. I stand tall and face Luke, who is eyeing me head to toe. I control my body to keep from fidgeting. It is still unnerving for me to feel like I am being studied.

"Welcome Tobias, or should I call you Four now?" Luke asks while motioning for a chair that is closer to his hospital bed.

"Hello, Luke. Yes, please call me Four. I'm assuming you've been brought up to speed on my situation with Nita and the memory manipulations?" I ask while taking the chair he offered. As Luke is sitting up in a hospital bed, I decide that I do not want to be standing over him for this conversation.

"Yes, I have. That's why I asked my staff to give you and I few moments to speak privately. I'm sure we both would prefer to discuss the subject of Tris without an audience," Luke states.

Well, he is not one to beat around the bush. We stare at each other in silence for a few moments, and then I speak first. "Luke, whatever may have happened between you and Tris these last months… I can't say I'm happy about it, but I understand that it was my actions that drove a wedge between Tris and me." I pause to calm myself. "I also want to be upfront with you. I love Tris Prior. She is the only person who matters to me. I deeply regret my actions these past months. I will never stop fighting to win her back. Ever."

Luke raises his eyebrows at me, he looks very confident as he then smiles at me.

I feel my cheeks flush with anger, "Is this funny to you? Are you so confident that I won't be able to win her back?!"

Luke chuckles at me, and then starts coughing with laughter, I assume as a result from his injuries. I reward him with a scowl. This guy is being such a jerk right now.

"Oh Tobias…excuse me, I mean Four." Luke smiles at me. "I am really glad to hear you say that you still love Tris, because you have dug yourself into a hole that I don't even think I would be able to pull myself out of. And I can be pretty persistent and charming."

I must look as confused as I feel. For a moment I think that Luke Clark is looking forward to the challenge of fighting over Tris. My pulse quickens, instantly recalling my greatest fear in the Fear Landscape Zeke recently put me through.

Fear Landscape Tris: "Why would I care that you have your memories back? Luke is such a better man than you ever could be. He is handsome, an incredible lover, he comes from a good family, he is successful and takes care of me…and the most important thing Tobias…" Fear Landscape Tris leans down to whisper in my ear, "I don't have to be afraid that he may snap and beat me or our children someday."

Luke has a lot to offer Tris, not to mention a clean slate. Versus, I have a lifetime of baggage and now months of bad history to overcome.

Stop. Stop. I tell myself. I need to push past this fear, and believe in us. I need to believe in Tris. We belong together.

"As much as I would love to continue to torment you, unfortunately, we don't have the time. Four, I am not your romantic rival when it comes to Tris. Not from a lack of effort on my part, but it never worked out between us. I am quite relieved that it didn't, at the moment, as it would have been a terrible fight to try to beat you, the real you that is." Luke smiles at me.

I furrow my brows at him, I think back to Tris assuring me that they have never kissed on the lips, but I am also not blind. I know this man loves her. "So you're not in love with her? I heard you in the Dauntless hallway…"

"Four, I do love Tris…but I am not in love with her. She has become an amazing friend. Maybe in a different life she and I could have been amazing together, but she…she still loves you. And these last months you were able to give her just enough to keep reeling her back in." Luke frowns at me as I feel my shoulders pull with tension. He is right, I have been so hot and cold with her. But I am guessing it was the moments I could not resist her pull over me that showed her, even if just subconsciously – that she should not give up completely.

"And what about her, does she love you? Do you know?" I ask quietly, realizing I am afraid to hear Luke's take on it.

He sighs, and shakes his head. "If she loved me, Four, we would probably be having a completely different conversation right now. But no, she has never been in love with me. For full disclosure…" he clears his throat, "We had agreed to try to date, and then I coincidently was notified of her involvement in the memory serum release the very same day. Now, I can only assume that was Nita. If anything, Nita did you a huge favor."

We both laugh, that stupid woman. I guess I owe her timing in this one instance.

As Luke calls for his team to re-enter his room, he turns to me one last time. "I know it wasn't entirely your fault, but you have hurt Tris tremendously. I hope that moving forward you will treat her well, the way someone as amazing as Tris deserves to be treated." I nod my head. The regret I feel is insurmountable, but not something I feel inclined to discuss with Luke.

+o+++o+

I notice that Zeke and my coworker Josh enter the room as well. It was Josh that had the foresight to immediately notify the Bureau Security Team of Nita's schemes and her involvement with the New Rebel Group as soon she revealed herself while on that call. As Josh walks further into the room I approach him at the same time.

"Josh, I don't know how to thank you. You have really become a true friend to me. I hope that will continue," I say. Although I have all the memories of my past, I know that Josh and his wife Amy are people I still want to keep close.

He smiles and give me a hug. I freeze, as I am again not completely comfortable with the physical contact. Josh notices right away and releases his grip. I smile at him and we both laugh. I will be different now, but I hope that the real me is someone that they will still want to be friends with.

Luke calls everyone to attention, he informs us that Tris has been located in Providence and is safe. She was already scheduled to have dinner at his parents' home, along with the parents of John's widow, Kimberly. I wince hearing her name, now reminded of how I blew off such an important conversation with this poor woman that had just lost her husband, not to mention being a support system for Tris as I had promised her I would…so I could eat pizza and watch a movie with Nita? It's disgusting the choices Nita was able to lead me to make. I am revolted with myself.

Luke informs us that as soon as Josh notified Security of the immediate threat to Tris that guards in Providence were able to intercept her at her new apartment and would escort her to his family home. As his father holds a position on the Providence Counsel their home was already under security watch during this troubling time. Tris will be safe there. I sigh with relief. Tris is safe, that is the most important thing for now.

With the pending Rebel threat the three leadership teams of Chicago, The Bureau and Providence agree to an immediate lockdown of transport between the three locations. Each city has security in place to keep order. I look at Luke and he shrugs his shoulder. He promises me that as soon the transport freeze is lifted he will make sure that Tris and I are reunited. Before I go, Luke agrees to my request that I Tris hears about my memories returning directly from me.

+o+++o+

As Zeke, Josh and I leave the hospital room, I walk with purpose as they trail closely behind me. There is no way in hell I am going to wait a moment longer than necessary to be reunited with Tris.

"Follow me, I know just who to ask for help. I am going to Providence, and now." I say.

Zeke just smiles. Josh looks confused, but to his credit he keeps up with us.

+o+++o+

+o+++o+

As I enter the lab that Tris was working for I quickly scan the floor for Matthew. I know he will be able to help us secure transport. Thankfully he is deeply enthralled in his project and is still working at this late hour. He does not even notice us until I am standing right behind him and call his name.

"Tobias! Um, hi. Good to see you guys….what's up?" Matthew says as he eyes the three of us. I immediately notice he looks guilty, I see the signs. He averts his eyes, his hand trembles momentarily before he places them on his knees. I remember his regular pitch when speaking, right now he sounds startled, and nervous. I hear it in his voice. My mind quickly calculates the possibility – could he have been in on this batshit crazy plan with Nita?!

I am going to find out.

"When did you learn that Tris was moving to Providence, Matthew?" I ask, I make sure to keep the emotion out of my voice.

I notice that his mouth falls open, but he does look at me when he answers. "I only knew about it because I work with her on this team. We were all told that it was confidential information and for her safety we could not discuss it with anyone. So I didn't."

I study him while he speaks, his reasoning makes sense and is in line with that Luke had told us. "When was the last time you spoke with her?" I continue.

Matthew sighs, "I worked with her earlier today via teleconference while she is in Providence. I should say myself and a couple of other team members. Tris is going to wrap up her involvement in this research project over the next couple of weeks, she will be starting a new life in Providence. It is my understanding that…well that she needed a…new start."

My back straightens, I wonder how much Matthew knows about Tris and I. I recall the night of the Awards Gala and the pass he made at Tris. Granted, he had a few drinks to loosen his tongue, but I recognized his interest in her from a mile away. I wonder when Matthew's feelings for her changed. I think back to our time at the bureau before her 'death' – I never felt a vibe of romantic interest on his part for Tris. Or maybe I was too busy being self-absorbed with my genetic inferiority to notice.

"Um, Tobias…I am not sure what this is all about…" Matthew starts.

"Actually – please call me Four. You should know I have gotten all of my memories back." I watch his expression closely.

Matthew's eyes widen. He genuinely looks shocked. "What? That is incredible – you are literally the first person that has been able to come back from the memory serum! Congratulations…but…" he lowers his voice and whispers to me, "What if you are not the last…all the people that we wiped to avoid the war."

That's when I know, Matthew was not part of the plan with Nita. He genuinely looks terrified at the thought of us getting caught for the original serum release. I believe he was not involved in Nita's plan.

"It is a really long story, but as you know I have always been able to break out of serums. It was actually Nita's manipulation that kept me under as long as I was. All because of her sick obsession with me romantically, and her even sicker obsession with Tris as an opponent." I seethe, just thinking about Nita makes me instantly angry.

"Oh God…" Matthew mumbles, it is alarming how quickly he pales.

"Dude, what is it? Are you ok?" Zeke asks, he must notice the drastic change in Matthew as well.

"Yeah, I am fine. I just feel like a complete jerk. Four…I feel like I owe you an apology. God…shortly after Tris was found to be alive… I was able to secretly overhear a conversation between her and Nita. I saw a side of Nita…she was like a different person. She was nasty, cold and very mean to Tris. A much different image than what she would normally project…um, especially in front of you Four. Well, you as Tobias Johnson." Matthew breaths in and out to calm himself. "I thought about approaching you that day, and then… I just figured you didn't remember Tris and I really felt like things were over for you both. So I kept my mouth shut."

I bite my lip to keep from scoffing, I am waiting to see if Matthew will man up and finish telling me the actual reason.

"The truth is… I started having feelings for Tris. Please don't punch me in the face or anything!" he says carefully.

Zeke and Josh look back and forth between us, as if waiting to see what I will do. I roll my eyes.

When he sees I am not going to pummel him, Matthew's shoulders relax and he continues. "I never for a moment thought that Nita was actually doing anything to you Four. I just assumed that she was interested in you and wanted to intimidate Tris."

My mind is reeling, so Tris was putting up with bullshit from me and Nita for months. I hate what I put her through, she didn't deserve any of this. Damn it, I need to see her. And I need to see her now.

"Matthew, we came here because I need your help. They have placed a lock down on travel between locations. You know the bureau inside out, there must be some kind of emergency transport that is in place between cities, even for medical or research purposes. I need to get to Tris now. I can't wait. Please." I feel my desperation rising.

Matthew smiles at me, "Of course. Getting you to Tris is the least I can do. I'm sorry. And by the way, it took me about two minutes to realize that Tris was still in love with you, memories or not. I know she belongs with you. I do wish you both well, I hope you know that."

I nod my head. Zeke smiles, and Josh looks relieved that a physical altercation was avoided.

As Matthew works out the details with Zeke, Josh leans over to tell me that he is going to have to get used to 'intimidating Four' – but that it is impressive. I smile at him and laugh. He hasn't seen anything yet.

+o+++o+

+o+++o+

Less than hour later Zeke and I are sitting in the cargo hold of a transport carrying medical supplies. Matthew was able to get us situated as soon as possible, but only with two spots as Zeke and I will officially be traveling as guards to protect the supplies that are desperately needed by the Providence emergency room. Josh needed to return home to his wife. Christina offered to stay back and get Cara and Caleb up to speed, as they were not even aware that Tris secretly had packed up and moved. My hope is to convince Tris to return to the Bureau with me, and then we can hopefully make decisions together about our future.

So it is just Zeke and I …. Sitting on an uncomfortable transport floor. I look over to my best friend, he really is like a brother to me. It dawns on me, he never gave up on me. Were there moments when he was frustrated and furious with me? Absolutely. Gave up, not for a moment.

I lean my head back and rest it against the wall of the transport, I close my eyes for a moment and I think about Uriah. I miss that guy, I miss seeing him with Zeke most of all. I feel a pang in my heart. I know logically my involvement was an accident, a poor decision on my part to trust Nita. To trust her, over Tris's instincts. Nonetheless, Uriah is gone forever.

I look over at Zeke who just smiles at me. He looks so happy. In that moment I realize what an amazing man Zeke Pedrad is. He is strong, loyal and kind. He has been able to fully forgive me, and stick to it. I would not be here if it wasn't for him. Well, him, and a wonderful nurse that Tris had befriended. I can't wait to make it back to the bureau and spend some time with Gabriela. Hopefully I can show her I am not a complete asshole.

"What on earth are you thinking about with that goofy smile on your face Four? Are you fantasizing about your romantic reunion with Tris?" he says while wiggling his eyebrows at me.

I scowl at him. What an idiot he can be.

"Um, no. And if I was – why would I talk to you about it?" I cough.

Zeke then asks me if I would like any last minute love making tips. I am seriously considering gagging him for the remainder of this trip. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel my cheeks flush, and he responds by hysterically laughing at me. Some things never change.

The joker then tosses me some condoms to put in my wallet…just in case. God I want to dig a hole and crawl in it. But since you never know, I do accept them. Better safe than sorry later. Zeke assures me he only picked them up for me, they were not his…blah blah. I know he would never step out on Shauna. I also know…he is eager to get home to his family. I see now, that Zeke has sacrificed so much time away from Chicago, as has my dear friend Shauna by allowing him, in order to help me get my life back. I will be forever grateful.

I clear my throat nervously, I need to talk to someone about my doubts. There is no one better than Zeke.

"I am really scared. I don't know if she will be able to get past the things I have done and said to her." I frown, leaning my head back looking at the ceiling of the transport. "Nor would I blame her. I honestly can't say I would be shocked if she is done with me."

When a few moments pass and Zeke is still silent, I then look towards him. He is carefully looking at his shoes while biting his lip. My pulse quickens as anxiety sets in. If Zeke is concerned, that means things are grim.

I slowly release the air from my lungs, and close my eyes for a moment.

"Four, man… What the hell happened between the two of you, the night Nita got the milkshake to the face?" Zeke prompts. I immediately feel a tightening in my throat. It is always going to go back to that fight. That damn awful fight.

I love Zeke, but I can't. I can't go back there. I know I will need to with Tris, if she will hear me out. But I am too ashamed to tell him how I treated her. I will forever hate myself. I am afraid my closest friend will hate me too.

I can't lose the woman I love and my best friend on the same day.

"It was bad. And I am ashamed, and I regret it. I don't want to say more," I confess.

Zeke nods his head in understanding.

"For your sake, I really hope she can get past it. I'll be here – no matter what." He promises me.

"No matter what Zeke, I will never stop loving her. For as long as I live. I just pray I don't have to love her from afar." I add.

Zeke smiles at me sadly.

"I will fight for her, she is worth it to me." I swear it.

+o+++o+

+o+++o+

*Tris POV*

My time in Providence has been quiet. The Clarks needed to push dinner back one day, which was fine. It gave me another day to compose myself from the heartache I am feeling. I just need to remind myself that I am also dining with Kim's parents and they are helping their daughter deal with a loss that is much greater than mine.

My heart flutters painfully when I remember that John's child no longer has a father.

All because of the New Rebels group. A group that has the opposite obsession with Genetic Purity than the war we were able to suspend. Instead of protecting the Genetically Damaged, it appears that now it is the Genetically Pure that are at risk. When will this end? I keep going back to the thought that it is a simple blood test that we are allowing to define us, is causing so much anguish.

My new apartment is much more modest than the large home I had been given in the bureau. I am enjoying my time setting up the smaller space, I am able to make it feel more like home. It has one open space for the kitchen, a couch and a small dining area, one bedroom, and then a small den I will be able to use as my office.

I have worked a couple of hours during the day with my old team via teleconference. The end is in sight for this job, but it also makes the day go by faster so I will miss it. It is nice being able to still be able to keep in touch with my old coworkers; they have been sworn to secrecy that I am in Providence. For anyone that asks, they are to tell people I have the flu and I have been able to work from home, implying my apartment at the bureau.

I work very hard at keeping my mind from wandering to thoughts of Tobias. I am still struggling, I am still fighting to reconcile the way he treated me the night of our fight and then his declarations of love the last time I saw him. Then I remember, he also made me feel cherished while we were in Chicago. Only to make the sting of his later betrayal hurt even more.

Damn that man. He has hurt me so badly, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust in someone again. Or even trust in myself. I now doubt my ability to judge character, my willingness to forgive, to love, to trust. I have been hurt so badly, I am scared.

Suddenly there is a loud knock at my door. I quickly wipe away the tears that had fallen down my cheeks as I hurry to see who is there.

Opening the door I recognize the guards that I met with upon first arriving to Providence. They inform me that there has been a direct threat made against me and they want to move me quickly to the home of Luke's parents. I nod my head and invite them in while I get ready. I get an overnight bag just in case I will not be able to return home tonight.

My mind is racing, I can't believe this crap has followed me to Providence, I have not even been here a full week.

I lock the door behind me and follow the guards down my hallway. As we walk towards the elevator and wait, it becomes apparent the elevator is not functioning. The lights on the display panel are blinking. We immediately exchange glances and they change our route to the stairwell. Upon entering the guards make the decision to walk in the opposite direction then would be expected. We begin to climb up the stairs verses towards the main level.

Suddenly we hear a loud door slam coming from above. As if someone has entered the stairwell. One guard stays with me while the other walks ahead to investigate. There is suddenly silence. The guard that is with me motions for me to remain quiet and calm, I nod my head in understanding.

He pulls out his weapon and begins to climb the stairs silently.

It is then that I am quickly grabbed from behind and gagged before being carried off. It happens so quickly and then then I see nothing but darkness as though something has been placed over my face.

I suddenly hear a voice that makes my blood run cold. How can this be?! My worst nightmare is coming true.

"Hello, Tris."

+o+++o+ Chapter End +o+++o+