Chapter 54
"Mom!"
Sakura turned around to find Sarada running toward her, her eagerness easily apparent on her face. Sasuke was following their daughter at a normal pace, and Sakura smiled briefly at him before turning her attention to the overly energetic genin who'd stopped at her feet.
"Sarada," she frowned. "Don't run in the hospital."
"Sorry, Mom," her daughter replied, looking reasonably contrite for a moment before breaking out into a grin. "Dad said he'd take us to Ichiraku for dinner!"
Sakura shook her head despairingly. "You've been talking to your uncle Naruto again, haven't you?"
"Yeah!" Sarada confirmed, seeming not to have noticed her mother's lack of enthusiasm. "Naruto-oji-sama was at the Hokage Tower when we got back from our mission, and Boruto-kun said he was starving, so Naruto-oji-sama said we should go to Ichiraku, but then Hinata-oba-sama - she was there too - she told him that she'd already planned to make dinner, so Boruto couldn't go, and Mitsuki said he had to go home anyway. But I thought Ichiraku still sounded really good, and it's been forever, so I asked Dad about it, and he said we could go tonight if it's okay with you. It's okay with you, right?"
If Sakura hadn't already gathered that Sarada was excited, the speed at which the words had tumbled out of the girl's mouth would have tipped her off, and she wanted to laugh as Sasuke came up and placed his hand on top of his daughter's head in what she assumed was an attempt to calm her down.
"So Ichiraku then?" Sakura asked him, smothering a giggle at the way Sarada was practically bouncing under his hand.
Ignoring his daughter's bobbing movements, Sasuke nodded. "It seems so."
Sakura sighed. "Okay," she agreed. "Just let me drop this chart off at the nurse's desk and grab my things from my office."
Sarada immediately looked put-upon. "Mom!" she whined.
Raising a warning eyebrow, Sakura caught her daughter's eye. "Hold your horses … I'll be right back."
With a dramatic exhale, Sarada crossed her arms impatiently. "Fiiiine …" she grumbled.
Sakura frowned disapprovingly and turned to walk down to her office, but once her back was to her daughter, she couldn't contain a small, fond smile; she really was happy to see Sarada so excited, because while things had gotten better in the weeks since her daughter's blowup, it hadn't been completely smooth sailing ... Sakura could tell that Sarada was often frustrated by the subtlety of her father's reactions to her stories, and Sasuke still hadn't gotten past his habit of automatically deflecting (or flat-out ignoring) any questions Sarada asked him about himself, though he had apparently revealed a few of his memories here and there while the two were training (one such memory, to Sakura's infinite surprise, had even involved Itachi and some kind of target practice exercise, according to Sarada).
In any case, this would be only the second time they'd gone out to eat as a family since Sasuke's return, and given her daughter's enthusiasm, Sakura had to think that it would prove to be another step in the right direction for the three of them.
Smiling again, she hung up her coat and snatched her bag, then headed back out to the hallway.
A couple of hours later, Sakura was walking beside Sasuke in a quiet that was rather surprisingly not awkward as they watched their daughter lead the way home.
Dinner hadn't been particularly entertaining, but it had gone fairly well … Sasuke had even volunteered a brief story about Naruto being mauled by a renegade house cat when Team Seven were genin. Though he'd relayed it with his typical lack of expression and Sakura was pretty sure she'd already told Sarada the story, their daughter had laughed, and Sakura knew that she had done so intentionally to encourage her dad, to show him that she had appreciated his effort.
Sakura smiled softly at her daughter's back, feeling closer to content than she had in a long time ... probably since the morning she had found out that Kakashi had bought her that brush -
She mentally shook her head. She wasn't going to think about that …
But apparently the gods had other plans for her, because no sooner had she tried to clear her mind of the silver-haired man than she happened to glance across the street and there he was, stepping out of the bookstore.
Just like that, the sense of contentment that had been beginning to form inside of her was shattered as she remembered the last time she had seen him, when he'd pulled her into a deep kiss after helping her calm down, after making her feel like everything was okay again.
Her breathing stopped, and her pace unconsciously slowed. She wanted to look away. She had to look away.
But she couldn't, and then he was looking at her, and all the feelings for him that she'd thought she'd finally been starting to get over came flooding back.
She wished she'd never turned her head. She wished he'd stayed in that bookstore for five more minutes. She wished they'd left the restaurant earlier … or later. She wished it weren't the 20th anniversary of Icha Icha Paradise, with its requisite special edition that was like catnip to the Copy Nin ...
Anything. She wished anything that might have kept them from running into each other while she was out with Sasuke and Sarada, while she and her husband and her daughter were probably looking like the picture of a happy family ...
It killed her to think of how he must be feeling, seeing her like that. She'd never wanted him to see that. It was irrational … she knew that she wouldn't have been able to avoid it forever, she knew that it had only been a matter of time, but that didn't stop her from wishing it hadn't happened, and the sadness she could see in his eyes - even from across the street, even though she could tell he was trying to disguise it - that sadness made a lump form in her throat, and she found herself wanting to go to him, wanting to wrap her arms around him and tell him that she was sorry, that she still missed him, that she still cared about him.
She knew it was wrong … she knew that she was supposed to be investing herself in her family and putting whatever it was she'd had with Kakashi behind her, but seeing him so unexpectedly … she hadn't been prepared for the way it made her feel.
With an acute ache in her chest, Sakura suddenly realized that the contentment she'd thought she'd been feeling that night and the last few weeks was much shallower, much more superficial than she'd allowed herself to admit, and she wondered how she could have ever believed it was anything but when all it took to derail it, to crush it into tiny pieces, was seeing that one man - that one impossible man - from a distance.
Kakashi had noticed Sakura before she had noticed him, and on some level, he'd hoped that she would continue to remain oblivious to his presence, because seeing her like that, walking with her husband and daughter, smiling … it hurt. It hurt, and he wasn't sure he would be able to hide his pain if she looked at him as though he were just another friend, as though she didn't want or need him anymore now that her family issues seemed to be sorting themselves out.
But she did notice him, and he watched her happiness abruptly fade as she stared at him, her steps slowing until she ended up a few paces behind her family. He wasn't sure which hurt worse … the thought that she might be falling back in love with Sasuke, the thought that just making eye contact with him from across the street was enough to make her sad, or the knowledge that there was a selfish part of him that was taking solace in the fact that he'd been able to elicit that sort of response from her, that he could see in her face that she missed him, that he still meant something more to her.
Kakashi wasn't sure how long he stood there, his gaze locked on hers … he knew it couldn't have been more than a minute, but it seemed like ages had passed when his focus on her was interrupted by the sight of Sasuke tilting his head back to find his wife and then looking from her over to him. Raising a hand and forcing his eyes to crease, Kakashi acknowledged the dark-haired man, then, for half a second, he let his fake smile relax into a small, crooked one as he met Sakura's eyes once more before turning to head in the direction of his apartment.
When Kakashi looked away from her and lifted a hand to greet her husband, Sakura felt like she was coming out of a trance, and she hadn't quite gathered her wits by the time he returned his attention to her, so she wasn't able to do much but watch as he smiled softly at her and walked away.
"Dad!" Sarada called out, causing Sakura to finally snap back to reality, and when Sasuke went to find out what the girl was pointing to in one of the store windows, she followed, plastering on what she hoped was an expression that bore at least some resemblance to the one she'd been wearing earlier.
Standing beside the man she'd loved for almost longer than she could remember while he listened to their daughter try to justify buying a new pair of gloves … it was a scene that represented everything Sakura had wanted over the last decade, everything that she'd ever wanted, really … until Kakashi.
It was all different now. Seeing him like that had shocked her into acknowledging that what she'd wanted for so long wasn't enough anymore, and she couldn't help but wonder if it ever would be. Sasuke had been showing more emotion; he'd been more engaged with her, with Sarada … but it still wasn't enough. He was trying, and it wasn't enough.
Feeling a hollowness in her stomach, Sakura glanced up from the gloves to look at her reflection in the window and was startled when Sasuke's eyes met hers. As she made herself smile at him, she had the thought that yes, he'd been trying … but she hadn't.
Not really.
With a surprising flash of clarity, she recognized that a part of her, however deeply buried, was always waiting for Sasuke to shut down again or to leave again, and she knew that that was affecting her ability to trust him, to open herself up to him.
Was this something that had developed more recently? Something that had come about after the clones, when he'd continued to stay away? Or had she never truly shared herself with him?
Sakura started to feel sick, and she had to drop her gaze from his back down to the gloves.
Though she hadn't let herself admit it before, the reality was that she'd always felt like she was walking on eggshells around him, like it was risky for her to talk too much about herself, like he would reject her if she did. And she'd hated the thought of him rejecting her, so she'd hidden her deeper feelings, the more complicated parts of herself, from him; she'd tried to maintain a lighter mood between them to counter his heavy personality, to keep him from seeing her as one more burden in his life.
She swallowed thickly.
She didn't know what to do … Her relationship with Sasuke was never going to be enough if she couldn't share herself with him, he was never going to be enough if all he saw of her was whatever small part she let him see … It didn't matter how much of himself he shared with her if she kept herself closed off from him … she had realized that.
But she didn't know how to change it. Even if it seemed like he might not reject her now, she didn't know how to open up to him, how to get past those ingrained fears, that instinct to do whatever it took to keep him from leaving her, even if it meant not being entirely herself.
She didn't know how to be with Sasuke the way she was with Kakashi - she'd never had to think about it with Kakashi … it just was, she just was herself with him. It was natural.
And it was wonderful.
"Come on, Mom!" Sarada shouted, and Sakura became suddenly aware that she'd been left behind, that Sasuke must have told their daughter that she couldn't have the gloves and the two had resumed walking back to the house while she had been busy being overwhelmed by an unwelcome epiphany.
Putting on another fake smile, Sakura jogged lightly to catch up. As she apologized for spacing out and took her place beside her husband, he slid his hand onto the small of her back, and she couldn't stop the stabbing guilt she felt, because he really was doing what she'd asked … he was being more open with her, more affectionate; he was making an effort to show that he cared.
And what was she doing? She was giving all of that, all of what she was asking him to give to her - emotion, thoughts, affection - she was giving it to another man, not to him. Even when she thought she wasn't, she was … she'd given more to Kakashi in one look from across a street than she'd given to Sasuke in any of the conversations they'd had over the last six weeks.
The knowledge made her heart hurt, and she was worried ... Would she ever be able to just be with Sasuke the way she was with Kakashi? Would she ever be able to trust him enough to let him in - to trust that he was really going to stay, that he wouldn't leave her and their daughter when he got to know her better?
And if she couldn't, if the best she could get to with him was a superficial sense of contentment ... would she be able to make that be enough?
A/N: Things will be picking up a bit now. Also, I'm going to do my best to respond to reviews ... don't want you guys to think I don't appreciate them!
