Chapter 28: 2011

By the time Marion pulled up in the car park outside Robin's flat Alex was in a state of high emotion and desperate to get inside where she could hide away from the world and deal with everything that the day had thrown at her. She had underestimated how emotional the day was going to be. Her main concern had been whether she and Molly would get on alright after their recent problems and had been so busy worrying about that aspect of the day that she had overlooked the other possible problems she was going to face.

She felt ten tons of guilt envelope her as her fingers brushed the delicate gold necklace that her daughter had given to her for Christmas. The day had started off so well but had gone steadily downhill after her conversation with Marion about when Molly would be 'going home'. Molly would never be going home with her and Alex knew that. Every time the subject came up she tried to change it as quickly as possible but she had quickly run out of topics. Her highly emotional state worsened when Marion had enquired about the DNA testing and whether anyone had been charged yet. To her credit, Molly managed to reroute the conversation to another topic, now knowing at least some of the truth, but Alex wondered how long it would be before news of the partial match would leak out. She hadn't even come close to dealing with the implications of that yet herself.

The afternoon had been full of comments from Molly about things she was looking forward to when Alex was stronger and all the things they were going to do together. Alex's smile had faded steadily with each one. Inside she knew there was going to be no girly movie nights, no shopping trips, no visits to the beach… each suggestion Molly made broke her heart a little more.

As she finally opened the door of the car and stepped out carefully into the car park she felt as though her eyes were going to spill over at any moment.

"Thank you both for a lovely day," she could barely force the words out and keep that false smile on her face.

"Mum," Molly caught her attention with a grin, "having you back is the best Christmas present ever."

Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. That's it, the tears are going to come now.

"I'd better get inside," she said quietly, "it's so cold tonight. But thank you again, it was such a lovely day." She kissed Molly on the cheek, holding back the guilt and the tears and tried to smile. "I'll call you in the next few days, Mols, alright?"

"Ok, mum," Molly's smile simply burned her further, "happy Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Molly," Alex barely managed to whisper before she knew she was going to lose her grip on her emotions and hurried the best that she could into the building. Once inside the main door she closed her eyes and leaned against the wall, taking a few deep breaths. Her decision never wavered but that didn't mean there were not parts of it that she would take a long time to come to terms with.

When she managed to calm herself a little she slowly climbed the stairs, feeling more and more as though she was on safe territory with the two people who would understand. She couldn't imagine what she would have done if Robin and Kim hadn't been there after she'd awoken. Having others who understood about the nature of the world and could help her to plan her way home was proving invaluable. She reached the front door, more exhausted with every step and turned the key in the lock to hear raucous noises from inside. She closed her eyes and sighed, feeling a bit like a parent returning home to find her children were throwing a wild party.

"Hello?" she called out, slightly worried about what she was going to find. She peered into the lounge where she found various kinds of chaos in progress, with Kim suffering a violent attack of hiccups and Robin in hysterics about her plight.

"I thought you weren't going to eat too much today," he teased.

"I -hic- didn't!" Kim protested, "It was the bloody fizzy wine." She glanced up and saw a slightly pale Alex at the door. "Ma'am, hi," she said, trying to calm down and look a little more demure, "I didn't hear you come in."

"Just got home," Alex said with a weak smile. She tried to ignore the ancient christmas special of some cartoon show that Robin and Kim were watching TV, the strange drawings of what appeared to be turkeys travelling through space that were scribbled all over a sheet of paper on the coffee table and the various gaudy novelties that they'd rejected from a box of particularly cheap and nasty crackers. "It... looks like you've had… fun?" she said, more of a question than a statement.

"Well, fun is an interesting way of putting it," Robin began, "considering we spent half the day chasing turkeys back and forth in time."

"And getting - hic - phobic of the oven," Kim added.

"And then convincing vegetables to cook at different rates so we weren't eating the turkey in a different sitting to everything else," Robin added.

"And also, we have been drinking very heavily to get over the trauma," Kim concluded.

Alex rubbed her forehead.

"You don't say," she sighed, completely confused by everything that had been said to her from the moment she arrived back.

"You look exhausted," Robin said, a little worriedly.

"Been a big day," Alex said quietly.

Kim tried to stifle a hiccup.

"Is everything alright, Ma'am?" she asked.

Alex closed her eyes and seemed to sway slightly on the spot.

"Not really," she said quietly.

"What's happened?" Robin asked.

"Some heavy questions," Alex said quietly, "I wasn't prepared for them, that's all."

"Like what?" Kim asked.

"Like, when's Molly going to move back in with me," Alex rubbed her head and ignored a loud hiccup from Kim, "and whether the police are any closer to catching who did this," she placed her hand on her stomach, "all the kinds of questions I really wanted to answer on Christmas day."

Robin felt his high spirits deflating.

"Oh god," he sighed, "I'm really sorry Alex.

"That must have been really hard to listen to," Kim said quietly.

Alex nodded slowly.

"But the worst part," she said, "was keeping quiet and smiling, knowing that I'm not planning to be around for much longer." She shook her head, her eyes turned downward. Pulling the gold chain out from beneath her top, she said sadly, "Molly gave me this. It just needs the word 'worst' above it."

Kim and Robin looked a little more closely to see the charm on the necklace spelt out 'Mum' in fancy letters. They both felt a sense of sadness as they realised quite why Alex was feeling so down. Neither really knew what to say – Alex's position was unique and unenviable and there were no words that could help her in any way.

"Shit," Robin said quietly, "I'm so sorry. I didn't think about that."

Kim glanced from Robin to Alex and back again before she said quietly,

"Rob, why don't you go and make some -hic- coffee?"

"We just had one," Robin frowned in confusion as Kim made gestures with her head towards the doorway. "Oh…" He hesitated, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," hissed Kim.

"But you're the one who said you're no good with this sort of thing…"

"Yes, I know, but like Christmas it's a once a year thing," Kim told him, concluding with a hiccup and a firm shove out of the door. She turned back to Alex, a dark feeling settling on her shoulders, and walked back towards her. "Ma'am, sit down?" she said a little nervously. She felt awkward asking Alex to do anything. She couldn't put the idea of Alex's superiority out of her mind from years ago. She watched Alex take a seat a little reluctantly and then steeled herself for the kind of talk that she knew she would usually mess up. She hoped this would be the exception. "I know that… the situation isn't the same," she began quietly, "but I do understand in a way what you're going through." She saw Alex's eyes turn downward as she listened to Kim's words. "it's… more complicated than people would realise. It's not like you're choosing between two people, ma'am, you're… you're choosing between two different lives."

Alex's eyes rose and caught Kim's stare. Somehow she hadn't been expecting those words, but they made an extraordinary amount of sense. She had been looking at the situation wrongly for some time and she knew it now. She kept blaming herself for having to make a choice between Molly and Gene but it was a far bigger issue than that. It was a case of choosing between two different lives.

"Yes," she said quietly, "you're right. I am."

Kim muffled a hiccup and wished she hadn't had quite so much sparkling wine that afternoon. A clearer head and slightly less digestive distress would have made this talk easier, but how was she to know?

"My decision wasn't as awful as the one you're having to make," she told Alex, "because my choice didn't involve the difference between being dead or alive." She saw Alex's face become pale and grim, "but I had to make a choice between staying with Linda in a relationship which was –" she paused as she tried to work out exactly how to phrase it. 'Unhappy' wasn't the word. That was a word she used to spare the discomfort of others. She shook her head slowly, "which was destroying me… just to stay with my boys, or to make… the most heart-breaking choice I ever had to make… to kind of -hic- save myself."

Alex nodded slowly.

"People look at it as a straight choice between your family and Robin, don't they?" she asked quietly.

Kim nodded.

"That's what they assume," she said quietly, "but it was so much harder than that. And every day there is a part of me that aches and hurts from being apart from my children. But every day I feel a little more grateful that I had the strength to make that choice and to step away from a life that was killing me inside into one that makes me happy."

Alex nodded again. Kim's words made a lot of sense. There was more at stake than choosing between Molly and Gene. If she stayed in the present for Molly then she'd lose everything else that made her happy. She had no life of her own in 2011 – she had no idea when or if she would be allowed to work again, or in what capacity, or whether anyone would even want her after being in a comatose state for so long. She had few friends, no relationship and her baby would grow up never knowing her father. More than that, she didn't belong any more. Her whole life was based in 1996.

"I wish there was a way to make everyone happy," she whispered.

Kim gave her a sympathetic look.

"I know," she said quietly, "but sometimes…. Sometimes you really, really can't. And you mustn't forget the most important person in all of this."

"The baby?" asked Alex.

Kim shook her head.

"You," she said. Alex contemplated that as Kim hiccupped and swore, then continued, "you'll never be happy if you stay here ma'am. And if you're not happy then how can you ever expect to make anyone else happy?"

Alex understood what Kim was saying. Even if she stayed for Molly what good would it do for her daughter to grow up seeing her mother so deeply unhappy? She could end up blaming herself for something that really wasn't her fault.

"I know," she said quietly, "I know."

"Molly will be OK," Kim said quietly, "it will be hard but she will survive. And I think, given time, she'll even understand. She's got a wise head on young shoulders."

Alex nodded and gave a slight but grateful smile.

"She's not the only one," she said, "thank you, Kim," although the loud hiccup that followed made her smirk a little and less able to take her friend quite so seriously.

"Bollocks, I need to go and drink some water backwards or something," Kim mumbled as she got to her feet. She looked at Alex seriously. "You're doing the right thing, ma'am. I'm sure of it."

Alex nodded slowly. She thought so too.

"Thanks, Kim," she said quietly as she watched her friend leave. She still felt guilt running through her veins but she knew Kim was right. She could never give Molly what she needed if she felt dead inside. She knew that being apart from Gene indefinitely would kill her. She had a whole life in 1996 and people who needed her. Plus, more than that, she needed them, too.

She closed her eyes as she nodded determinedly. She had to stick by the decision she'd made. It was the right one all round.

~xXx~

Kim felt strangely emotional as she walked slowly to the kitchen. Alex's situation had hit home with her on a number of levels. She wiped her eye roughly on her sleeve as a tear threatened to fall and show her up, before she carried on walking through to Robin where he stood at the sink, rinsing out some glasses and mugs. The calm and domestic setting betrayed the truth about what a strange and bizarre situation they were truly in, in so many ways. Whether it was sympathy for Alex's dilemma or the emotion of the festive season getting to her she felt moved to a gesture that was very un-Kim-like. She walked up to Robin and as he turned to face her she wrapped her arms around his torso and laid her head against his chest, closing her eyes and looking for a kind of comfort that she didn't usually need – or at least admit to needing.

"I love you," she whispered.

The words caught Robin off guard. It wasn't something they said to each that often. With the strange nature of their relationship they often found it awkward and difficult to say those words, even though they both knew instinctively how deep their feelings ran. Despite his hands being a little damp from the cup-washing, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

"Hey," he said quietly, "are you alright?"

Kim nodded against him before she finally looked up.

"Talking to Alex," she said quietly, "just reminded me how glad I am"

"Of what?"

"That I made the right decision."

Robin closed his eyes and pulled her face back gently against him for a moment. Kim's decision was something he was very, very glad about to. They stayed there for quite some time, ignoring all instances of hiccups and wet soggy hands until finally Kim drew back, her emotions a little more settled and a smile back on her face. She looked Robin in the eye. It was a look he recognised.

"Leave those until morning," she urged him, "there are more important things t do on Christmas day."

It had been a day of high stress and emotion for everyone and time to focus on something grounded, something real. Bed was calling their names.