Fifty-Two
Attal did not forget me when he had his next reception. He was not yet presenting any of the compressed poetry we had been talking about, though. He was known to be late to any trend; late but with deep insight nobody had taken the time to think of before. It was amazing how a person like this could be labelled 'rebel' of his house.
I was invited and floated around; a blue dot in an ocean of bronze and green. When had I started to predict people's actions with any accuracy? A nasty voice inside my head claimed that I had always tried to make people do what I wanted and have them think it was their idea. At least, if you believed my boyfriend. I did. Not that I thought of him as my boyfriend any longer. He had become an ex quite some time ago. That didn't invalidate his point though.
Maybe I had just finally become good at it. Must have been the teaching. Teaching that by now lay way too far back for my liking. Stupid absentee husband; I couldn't even kick his shin. I was unable to kick his shin for one and a half years by now. It sucked. It had gotten easier to live with. Mostly I tried not to think about it to be honest.
In a way I had come full circle. Thrawn might just as well be an imaginary character again, unreachable, unattainable, but ready at hand in case of need. The amount of imagination necessary to conjure up a concerned husband might have increased, though, now that I actually knew him. But that didn't matter. What mattered that I had a job to do.
Attal's guests were a bit more liberal than House Csapla tended to be. Still I did feel the difference of tone when I was talked to. The proper pronouns flowed more naturally from their lips and they didn't even think about it. It was the natural order of things. The idea that I might actually not be an alien without status but a person didn't occur to them even after meeting me. Talk about privilege.
"You will understand when you get to know them better," Attal assured me.
I waved his concern away. "The First House has its own rules. Who am I to question them." The answer to that was actually 'Queen of half the fucking Space Beyond, you gormless tits.' Not that I would tell them. Instead I bowed my head and was grateful for the attention I got, no matter its shape.
Unfortunately, the more liberal crowd of House Csapla did not include anybody who would get me closer to my final goals. Why had I set my sight on such conservative targets? Oh, right, changing the mind of the whole Chiss Ascendancy. That would not work with the revolutionaries only. Even if the revolutionaries were rather reluctant to actually revolt. Careful Change To Established Authorities! Thoughtful Reconsideration Of Established Principles! It reminded me of something.
By now the colourful community had gotten used to the blue dot in their middle. And I made certain not to change my formal robes yet. That would have to wait for a special occasion. And while I was the blue among the colourful in public, it was the other way round when I went swimming with Sarah. There is was a pink dot among a deluge of blue. I got used as well to the one as I had to the other.
So far nobody had asked me to accompany them to the hot springs and I would sure not tell Sarah about them until I felt happier in my skin. Well, happier in my skin when everybody was able to see it. There was nothing wrong with my skin as long as I could put an amount of cloth over it that I considered decent. Fortunately, Sarah made no sign to take after her mother in that respect.
In general she was not taking after me a lot. On the one hand that was good because she would fit into this society better than I could ever hope to. On the other hand it was sad to see how her grasp of standard would likely never amount to much. I was just not enough people to leave an impression as deep as the Cheunh around her. Sometimes I even had to be careful not to switch to it when talking to her. I really wished, I had read up on raising a child bilingual.
Actually, I wished I had read up on raising a child at all. By now everybody who had started in preschool with her was in a higher group. I was not quite sure how the downgrading had been done, but Sarah had barely noticed and not complained. I should be grateful for that as it wouldn't last forever.
"You will both participate in the dinner,"Thorra instructed me, "and then put her to bed. Join the reception without drawing attention. You may stay as long as you please."
Now this was a definite step up the social ladder. Admittedly, it would have looked strange had I been missing from the inner circle now that I was so actively participating in any social life I could get.
So that was how it was done. Sarah was so wound up from the excitement of the dinner that it took a while to calm her down and get her to sleep. For a moment I was really worried my voice would give out before I could return to the reception. In the end my lullaby and the evening's routine won out.
Still, by that time the officially receiving part of the reception was over. It was a complicated and highly tangled web, deciding who would arrive in time to receive a formal greeting. I was glad I didn't have to think about that yet. I'd always rather slip in unnoticed and it would take years, or so I hoped, before my arrival warranted anything else.
I allowed myself to drift through the crowd for a while, to get a feeling for the mood. Nobody seemed resentful. I talked to those who caught my attention or those I had invited. Only those of them that had also been invited by another member of the family had already arrived. And if I got that correctly, only Storm had warranted an official reception.
"Let us slip away before he claims your time," Threll suggested, directing me into the direction of my rooms. "You have a promise to fulfil."
"Indeed, Mitth'rel'lapis," I replied. "And I intend to." I wondered how that sounded to an innocent bystander.
Together we made our way through the guests which was surprisingly easy. On my own I would not have made it from one side of the room to the other in under two hours. Maybe we had the look of people doing business.
I had hung up the paintings in the study. It was not ideal, but it would spare us the walk all the way to the shared parlour and risking to wake Sarah. As expected, he spent a long time studying them. I would never get used to the scrutiny people afforded my paintings. Though I would very much have liked to leave him to it, leaving him alone in my study would have been more of a scandal than staying.
"Very nice," he said in the end. "The setting could be better, of course." He looked around.
"Of course," I admitted. "The next time, I will make sure to confer with your schedule first." There was a small exchange of wordless sarcasm.
"Has anybody put a claim on any of them yet?"
I was speechless. That had not even occurred to me yet. Of course anybody outside the core family I knew could easily claim me out of any of the paintings just for talking to me. The idea that anybody would actually do that was new, because it meant that they'd be burdened with it afterwards and I couldn't imagine anybody actually wanting to own some of my art. If it was art.
"I'll take that as a no." Threll took an image with his pad. "I'll put a general one on them, then. I'll get back to you with the details before I leave."
I was still speechless when we had joined the reception again. A fact that Threll used as excuse to find people that actually had their wits about them. I was to feel free to approach him once I had managed to find mine again.
I took a time-out on the balcony, staring at the starless sky until I felt I had myself under control again.
"Don't say you didn't see that coming," Storm chided.
I had had my wits about me before approaching him as well. I was not suicidal. "I considered it a little too soon for anybody to show interest," I replied. "What is there to gain?"
Storm gestured that answering that was beneath him.
Suddenly I got the queasy feeling that failing my quest would not only put me into a bad position. It was something I would actively avoid thinking about. A good way to do this presented itself in a flash of bronze a little away.
My lor'kina let Storm know I agreed. "I shall instead better myself," I said nudging him along a little, "in the ways of the people. You may judge my efforts as you please."
He became suspicious at that. "Your fair speech is scare unless you intend great mischief."
"Nothing of that sort, I swear." I took a last step in the right direction. "Seeing how you know almost everybody and it is a scarce pleasure to honour you with introductions, I thought to grasp this chance to do so now. Csapla'tta'lernek has heard of you, of course, and followed news with great interest."
"And what makes you think I will agree to such a thing?" Storm sounded slightly amused.
"Mostly the fact that it would take you a very undignified run to escape your fate." I almost smiled, but we had reached the aforementioned Csapla who did not look as if he would let the opportunity pass by. "Kres'tor'manad, please let me introduce to you Csapla'tta'lernek." I bowed slightly. "Csapla'tta'lernek, the honoured Kres'tor'manad."
The two men examined each other and I took the moment to merge into the eddying crowd. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all.
And this is the reason I didn't update here.
