Chapter 52
Natla: "Sorry, about that. Seems she wasn't quite as ready as I thought."
Asuka collapses to her knees, clearly traumatized.
Shinji: "Asuka, ASUKA!"
Shinji hugs Asuka from behind, cuddles her, and then glares at Natla.
Yui: "Now, now, Shinji-kun. I'm sure Ms. Natla is doing her very best, right, Natla-san?"
Natla: "Ye—Yes, Yui-san. This is the first time I've seen a soul this badly damaged. What happened to her?"
Asuka: "Momma... She... She …"
Yui: "She came into contact with the Eva core, using what she thought was a safe-guard to keep from getting sucked in... and it worked... sort-of. Her body wasn't sucked in, but part of her soul was..."
Asuka: "Then she went slowly crazy! Mistook a stupid doll for me. Then I found her hung corpse, with the doll hung too!"
Natla: "...So part of her soul gets sucked out of her body, but instead of trying to repair the damage right away, GEHRIN decides the best way to proceed is to let the rest fester and then blend the whole thing back together again like they're making a sorbet. EESH! It's amazing we made as much progress as we did..."
Meanwhile, in the remains of a small town known as Negima,
Gendo arrives by bus under the guise of "Principal Kuno," a disguise he's used successfully for decades. He married into the Kuno family, sired two children, Tatewaki and Kodachi Kuno, and inherited the estate when their mother met … "an unfortunate accident."
This estate is the reason he's here now, as there's something he vitally needs from there.
Principal Kuno: (In English/Hawaiian) "Yeah, baby! I am back!"
Upon seeing him, the population, especially the teenagers, all flee in terror.
Principal Kuno: "Hahaha! That never gets old."
The news soon spreads to Ranma and Akane, now married near a decade, childless, though not for lack of trying, at the Tendo Dojo.
Ranma: "What?! That son-of-a-bitch survived the complete destruction of Hawaii?"
Akane: "Those Kunos have the devil's own luck! Not only does the patriarch survive Second Impact, but Nabiki and Kodachi are cranking out kids like they're going out of style, while we... "
Ranma: "Yeah. We've checked with Dr. Tofu. My little guys swim just fine, and your... equipment is in perfect order, but..."
Akane: "Don't say it! I know your junk and mine have been getting to know each other very, very closely, especially recently, but..."
Ranma: "Yeah. It ain't working, and nobody knows why. The Doc says jest take it easy and don't rush..."
Akane: "But it still hurts... Well, the little ones Nabiki pawned off on us aren't taking after their parents yet..."
Ranma: "Yeah, they're turning eight now, and they're sweet, sensitive, adorable little b..."
Akane: "RRRAAAAANNNNMMMAAAA!"
Ranma: "BADASS martial artists!"
Akane: "... That's true. They're grateful we took 'em in, and they're hard workers, household chores or training, doesn't matter. Couldn't ask for better kids."
Ranma: "Yeah, I ain't gonna treat em like my old man or ma treated me. Not gonna drag em across the world or make em swim ta China to dunk em in some cursed spring."
Akane: "And not sell them off as fiances for a bowl of rice and a couple of pickles?"
Ranma: (Shudders) "ESPECIALLY NOT THAT!"
Principal Kuno would have his own share of surprises when he got to the Kuno estate...
Tatewaki: "Ora, Ora, Ora. Hundred Sword technique!"
Principal Kuno: "Pathetic as always, son!"
Principal Kuno whittles the bamboo sword to wooden shavings with a pair of hair shears.
Principal Kuno: "You haven't improved at all, how disappointing. And what's up with this?!"
He stares at a very, very pregnant Kodachi Kuno.
Kodachi: "It's my husband Ranma's child! The latest of several! Oh I just can't get enough!"
Tatewaki: "He may be an in-law, but don't mention that blackguard in front of me!"
Kodachi: "Oh shut it! You always going off about Akane and 'Pig tailed girl'! They may be your concubines, but they still grate me for being near my Ranny-wanny!"
Principal Kuno: (In English/Hawaiian) "OH MY GOD!"
A very, very pregnant Nabiki enters the room and gets Principal Kuno's attention.
Nabiki: "Come with me please, Principal. You and I have much business to discuss, and I'll happily fill you in, as a professional courtesy."
Almost immediately after they step into the office, they can hear strange sounds from outside in the hallway.
Tatewaki: "Akane! Pig-tailed girl!"
Kodachi: "Ranma-sama!"
This is quickly followed by some moaning and grunting...
Nabiki: "Oh for the love of..." (shouting) "USE THE BEDROOM! IT'S SAFER AND CLEANER!"
When the hallway gets quiet again...
Nabiki: "And that's where the camera and audio equipment is, idiots. Now Prinicpal Kuno, please have a seat."
Kuno: "So what is actually going on?"
Nabiki: (Sigh) "As usual, your son and daughter are wrapped up in their own make-believe world, completely delusional. Tatewaki is firmly convinced that he's married to, and having sex on a frequent, regular basis with, both Akane and 'Pig-tailed girl' while Kodachi is firmly of the mindset that she's doing the same with Ranma-sama... This is all wrong, of course. Tatewaki is legally married to me and is using his own sister as a concubine while she's deluded herself into thinking her brother is actually Ranma every time she jumps into the sack, like right now..."
Kuno: "..." (English/Hawaiian) "WHAT! THE! FUCK?!"
Nabiki: "You can quit the act now. You're nowhere near as shocked or emotional as you're pretending."
Kuno takes the classic "Gendo Pose."
Kuno: "Indeed, very observant Nabiki-san. It's so refreshing to drop that act and negotiate with someone seriously. So what are you getting out of this... arrangement?"
Nabiki: "Oh, I have a couple of very lucrative businesses going here."
Nabiki points at the cabinet behind her showcasing numerous VHS tapes and compact disks.
Nabiki: "You won't believe how insanely popular Kuno porn is. Any combination of Tatewaki, Kodachi, and myself sells really well, though if I'm starring in it, I do tend to price it a bit more. Nobody seems to mind."
Kuno: "And the other business?"
Nabiki: "As for that, Kuno offspring are even more highly prized for some reason. Frankly, I don't care what that reason is, good or bad, as long as I get paid a nice 'finder's fee,' auctioned to the highest bidder. Although if the child comes out of MY WOMB, you can bet your sorry backside that I'm doing the research to make sure the 'highest bidder' is going to give the child a good home. I do have a certain pride in being a surrogate mother, after all."
Kuno: "I see, and the others are okay with this arrangement?"
Nabiki: "Hahahaha! They've deluded themselves about that as with everything else! They think those brats are going to some fancy-pants boarding school to make them into fitting Kuno heirs... There's only one pair that gets a technical pass on that. The pair being raised by my sister Akane and her husband Ranma. They got the first born, mine and Kodachi's, both because Ranma's sterile, though Dr. Tofu doesn't have the heart to tell him, and I'm not going to, as Ranma and Akane giving up on trying to make their own would ultimately come back to bite me, but because the two of them did me some special 'favors' that help me set this all up. Which brings us to the question of why, after the better part of a decade, you came here, Principal Kuno?"
Kuno: "DAUGHTER! You may be an in-law, but you're a true Kuno heir through and through, unlike those two … disappointments. As to your question, there is an item that I need to collect from here, and I also need a place to stay for a while after certain... setbacks have made life rather difficult and screwed up my investments."
Nabiki: "I see. Well, I have no reason to refuse as long as you don't mess with my business and don't expect me to shield you should the authorities come knocking... Oh yeah. I'm a woman who has a history of routinely selling out her birth-sister for cash, so don't expect any special favors for an in-law."
Kuno: "Of course."
Nabiki: "That just leaves the issue of living expenses. How are you planning to cover your stay with us? I don't accept IOU's."
Kuno: "... This IS my house. All utilities were paid for, in advance, as was the routine delivery of groceries and other essentials. Surely you noticed that when you moved in?"
Nabiki: "Until you were declared legally dead, yes. You have been 'missing' for the better part of ten years, and of course there was that nastiness in Hawaii known as 'Second Impact.'..."
Kuno: (Sigh) "You are aware that with Furinkan High now a pile of rubble, and with my recent 'setbacks' that I don't have a reliable source of income or legitimate employment, right?"
Nabiki: "Oh, I don't know. I hear you're a mean hand at using those barber's shears. Ever consider being a stylist? I could certainly use one for my 'business venture.'"
Kuno: "Are you sure you want that? I could wind up shaving them both bald..."
Nabiki: "THAT would be perfect, but not on their heads, if you get my drift. It would save me a lot of post-production editing since I wouldn't have to throw in a bunch of mosaics..."
Kuno: (Smirks under tented hands) "Dear girl, I hear what sounds like an agreement."
Nabiki: "Splendid. In exchange for your styling services, you will receive full room and board, but that only covers eating normal meals, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, together as a family in the dining room. Snacks and so forth will cost extra."
Kuno: "Then dear girl, we have a deal."
Meanwhile, at the Ikari estate...
Dr. Fraser Crane has scheduled a group session for Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Major Misato Katsuragi, and to the surprise of the former two...
Misato: "I get that it's all well and good for the two of us to be in therapy together, but why here?"
Ritsuko: "The scenery?... Or is there another reason?"
Frasier: " Well, there are a couple of people I'd like the two of you to meet..."
Taking that as their cue, in rushes little Rea, who is greeted warmly, and then..
Rei: "Hello, Doctor. Major. I've been expecting you."
Misato: (Blinks rapidly) "Rei?... REI! You're alive! How... HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?!"
Misato grabs Rei in a bear hug and then starts rubbing the bluenette's hair, Trying to certify that she's not hallucinating.
Rei: "I am physically here, Major. This is not a dream or hallucination."
Misato: "Then how?..."
Ritsuko: "I can explain that, Major. The Rei you see here is and is not the Rei we know."
Misato: "And what does THAT mean?!"
Rei: "I am a clone, Major. One of many. Doctor Akagi, perhaps I should hate you with every fiber of my being for what you put me through, not the least of which is stealing away my childhood and drugging me into some kind of doll, a state shared by the remaining clones in Washu's lab, but take heart, I don't. Your actions gave me the best husband and wife a girl could ask for. Where are they?"
Misato: "Trapped in the cores of their respective Eva."
Ritsuko: (Weeping bitterly) "I'm sorry, so, so sorry!"
From the other side of the moon, the next Angel threat approaches...
To be continued...
